Gotta Kick Myself: Porn Regrets Born

While many of us are basking in the joy of Barrack Obama becoming the Presidential Elect, along with this great new day, comes our duties of a normal day such as my entertaining and educating you with this blog.

The subject matter has nothing to do with this year's election. While I am quite proud of the outcome, I am more than aware that enough has been said and will be said about it to choke a horse. So I would like to present a good sidetrack, if you will.

I am someone who lives their lives with few regrets. If I fuck up, I just deal with the consequences and take them as a lesson to be learned, which is why I should have no regrets. That has changed recently with me hearing of Nickolay Petrov pleading guilty to pretty much being a killer for hire. When I read a post on Men Of Color Blog about it, I posted this comment that explains my regret:

First off, let me apologize for the length of this commentary.

In my interview in ULTIMATE STARZ, I was asked if I was making a movie called, "Tre X's Orgy" who would I want as my four co-stars.

I chose Nickolay Petrov as one of those four. And that is the one and only answer I regret giving in that entire interview.

It's scary to think that the one time I would have put my disdain for "gay-for-pay" actors aside, I would have wound up having my ass pounded by a guy with so much anger in denying his true self that he lets it out by way of violence towards others. Maybe that's why he fucks like a primal beast? Realizing that may be the case, what I used to love seeing, I now no longer do.

And he's not the only proof of this. Marcus Allen, Mark Dalton, and an actual past scene partner of mine, Double R are also "gay-for-pay" actors accused of violent crimes. With "gay-for-pay" actors being the most (maybe only) type of gay porn actors accused of violent crimes makes the "gay-for-pay" hype even more scary.

Producers, directors, and fans need to ask themselves what I did about Nickolay, "What the hell are we doing hyping up these cowards in self-denial."

At least I'm admitting to my poor judgement. When will the rest do the same?

While I regret naming Nickolay, I am still looking at how as they say "every cloud has a silver lining". That cloud being the racism within the gay porn industry. This is a case where that racism may have very well saved me from having to regret something worst that fantasizing about Nickolay Petrov. That regret being of actually being in a scene with Nickolay Petrov, just as I regret the one I did with Double R. So odd as it may seem to say, I may very well need to say at least in this case, "Thank you, Racism. You saved me some regrets."

With that in mind, I wonder how do guys like Kurt Wild feel knowing they were fucked by a killer for hire. Then again, Kurt Wild is a bad example, because he's also "gay-for-pay" insisting he's straight while he's married with children, so may be very well have that same violence by way of self-denial pumping through his veins. And I know from which I speak because while I admit here and now that I have a bad temper, it was way more out of control before I came to terms with the truth of my sexual orientation.

So on this great day in American history, just as many should soon come to regret their lack of faith in our Presidential elect, since I am not that foolish, I have a different regret that's nowhere near as bad in its place. And while I'm kicking myself for it, I hope during the next 4 years, those others have regrets that makes them need to kick themselves much harder.