Monday, February 25, 2008

Saturday, February 23, 2008

Space Invaders

I have said before that I am very territorial. Any thing that warrants me proceeding it with the word "my" I am very protective of. And that definitely includes my space.

In clubs, one's personal space seems to often be invaded, especially if you're someone considered good-looking, which is probably why I seem to notice more and more good-looking men saying that they hate the club scene. I recently had a couple of incidents that I'd like to share with you, that put me on the verge of getting quite nasty. Both of these instances happened at Splash in NYC.

One night I went out, and before I started dancing, I noticed this thin guy about my height coming up behind guys and dancing up on them. After I started dancing, he made his way towards me, and I just kindly walked away to another part of the dancefloor leaving him behind. Later on however, he seemed that when it came to me, he wasn't taking "NO" for an answer. First off, instead of coming up behind me, he got right in my face. That invasion of my space immediately made my blood boil. I tried backing away from him, and he just kept repeating to me, "Show me what you got! Show me what you got!"

I politely put my hand on his chest and slowly pushed him away from me. But like I said, he felt my saying "NO" was not an option. That foolishness almost became his undoing. He came at me again. This time I grabbed his arm, and pushed him away from me. Not saying a word, but I know there was a fire in my eyes that covered the heinous fantasies that were about to justifiably become reality in he kept pushing the issue. He then said, "I don't want to fight you - just dance."

I finally open my mouth and said, "I don't want to dance. So if you don't want to fight, walk away."

He then started yelling at me while backing away, "You've got nothing! You've got nothing!"

I really didn't give a flying fuck what he yelled at me, as long as he did it while moving away from me. You see, I haven't struck another human being in more than 20 years. Now take into account the things that have made me angry enough to hit someone that I've written about in this blog, PLUS the things I don't tell you about from my past and present day job, my school days, my ghetto trash neighbors, etc. All that in a 20 year span. What kind of force would come from a punch with that much physically unreleased anger behind it. Not to mention that many bigger guys notice that I am already pretty strong for my small size. A punch from me on that thin guy could have not only sent him flying like a cartoon character, but caused him some serious physical damage. And that was my fear. My losing control making all that aggression physically reaching the surface causing a disaster. A disaster that if he only respected people's space, the possibility of it happening would have never existed.

The other instance was just last night. I was dancing and this short chubby guy next to me facing my side decides he wants to dance with me. What's the problem? He grabs me first. I never turned in his direction to make eye contact which anyone having knowledge of proper etiquette would know is how to check for an invitation into someone's space, especially if you plan to touch them. Maybe they knew who I was. Maybe they were fans. Fans or not, my space should have been respected by them presenting themselves in the respectable manner of eye contact, not physical. BUT to make things worst, since I ignored his friend, his taller buddy dancing behind him yells to me, "Yo!"

I turned to my right, looked the 2 of them up and down, then turned my head back forward and went back to my dancing in my own little world. Because when I heard that "Yo!" I was on the brink of exploding, because this scene was giving me flashbacks to the aforementioned situation with the thin guy. It was soooo on the tip of my tongue to tell that guy, "Bitch! You uncouth ghetto trash sack of shit, who in the FUCK are you yo-in'?"

The problem was that I knew that if I said anything, my verbal violence would have eventually led to physically violence at any given moment.

By the grace of God, my annoyance over this was taken away moments later by the unexpected arrival of Vin Nolan and Sergio Anthony. We hung out together for a bit. I got to see Sergio's new tattoo and his tanline near his ass from being away in Mexico. That sight definitely brought to to think ,"Annoyances? What annoyances?" But since today is back to reality, before I go further I must say to Vin and Sergio -
Thanks guys, you helped a great deal.

So I close by asking any of you who may have done these sort of intrusions into someone's space at one time or another, is the possibility of someone violently defending their personal space worth that dance you're trying to force them into? Is invading someone's space really worth risking a black eye, bloody lip, broken nose, or worst? Think about that next time you try a move like that.

Tuesday, February 19, 2008

Mental Health Withdrawal

In light of the recent tragedy at North Illinois University occuring right after my recent entries regarding mental health, and the "medications" prescribed, I think I should now address the recent revelation by the gunman, Stephen Kazmierczak's girlfriend that he was off his medication when he did that tragic act to other then to himself.

Have you ever noticed how when people who get prescribed those mental health meds exhibit more extreme behavior than they did before they started and while they were on those meds? Extreme behavior very similar to that of a drug addict going through withdrawal. When a drug addict goes through withdrawal, they behave worse than they did before they started taking their drug(s) of choice, as well while they were on those drugs. This only further proves my point as to how these doctors and pharmaceutical companies are becoming legalized drug dealers.

The tragedy at NIU could have been avoided had Kazmierczak not sought the help he needed from a doctors thinking that a pill would kill his demons. That is the same logic that gives births to drug addicts, but just because the title "Doctor" is in front of the person's name, many people think their word is golden. However, incidents like the NIU tragedy show that is nowhere near being the case.

So I close this entry urging you that if you feel that you may be one of those who needs some kind of medication(s) for mental health - THINK AGAIN. Stop catering to a doctors' wannabe-God complex, and don't research these meds and their side effects for yourself. And seek the support of friends - on this earth and beyond. How many tragedies will it take before you realize that I'm on to something? Be well.

Monday, February 18, 2008

My Talk With RealTALK!

I was worried all day about my interview. People even noticed that I seemed a bit distant at times. I've done interviews before, so what had me so wired about this one. It was because this one was live. The one I did for DList with JJ-Shonsay was the closest to RealTALK because it was an online chat. The others were emailed questions, and with those one can plan their responses more carefully and not step on any toes. But being me, as most of you know by now, if and when I do step on some toes, being that I do have the Aries trait of brash honesty, 99.something % of the time I really don't give a fuck.

I didn't really step on any toes and say anything I haven't said already in one of my blogs. However, I did make a slip about someone looking older than what they really are. It was something for some odd reason, a couple of friends brought up in conversation. Then during the show, someone asked about my being older and keeping up with my younger counterparts. In response, I mentioned how most people are cast with people who fit their supposed age group and this person seems to usually get paired with older or older-looking guys for that same reason. When I went that route in the conversation, I tried so hard to avoid saying a name mainly because I have no ill-feelings towards this person. In fact, I never did say his name, but one of the hosts guessed it. And with that Aries honesty again, I confirmed. I chuck up that Freudian-slip and my stammering as being nervous. Other than that I regret nothing that I said or did during the interview.

I was surprised to find that we had to keep our language "as clean as possible". My thought was this is internet radio. As much stuff as people (mainly children) get access to on the internet with no trouble at all, there's concern over some curse words or explicit sexual references while interviewing a porn actor at 11:00 at night. Is it just me, or is that strange? But let me state that hosts Big Ceaz and Papi Chulo are not responsible for that reasoning. It may not even be BlogTalkRadio's reasoning. Whoever's reasoning it is, I did find it quite typical of Republican hypocrisy.

Even with my Freudian-slip, my stammering, and having to control my raunchy mouth, I still enjoyed being interviewed by Big Ceaz and Papi Chulo. So check it out for yourself. Enjoy.

Thursday, February 14, 2008

BLAK! Bruthas Live And Kinky!

I wrote before about my doing a movie for the new company, Forbidden Funk Media. Well, you guys should go check out the website. And I finally know the title -

BLAK! Bruthas Live And Kinky!

The movie comes out next month and I'm quite excited about it. As I said before, going into the world of fetish is a new thing for me, and I'm always looking to try something new. My rules is always, "I'm all for kinky, but not about pain."

And I told you that I couldn't wait for you to see what I looked like in the leather gear they hooked me up with for the movie. Well, feast your eyes on this:

It's a rarity for me to say it about myself, but I really think I have to agree with if you think this looks HOT!!!!! Thanks to Peter Lau for being a phenominal photographer. That's why I have been so anxious for you to see it. Now, you'll get to see the action that comes with it when BLAK! Bruthas Live And Kinky! is released in March.

Exhausting And Overextending

I am not one to make New Year's Resolutions. My feeling is if you want to make a change within yourself, don't wait until the next year. Let that desire to change plant firmly in your brain, then make it happen. If it happens around New Years, then it's just a coincidence.

Such is the case with me. While I was on the verge of leaving the adult entertainment industry, because of it being so rampant with racism. I decided that I was no longer going to write blogs on the matter with the intent to make change. Instead, I will write blogs on the matter for the sake of simply venting. So this will be the 1st about racism with that intent.

The reason I decided to stopped fighting was because I took a real good look at racism in general. What I came to realize is that with racism, one tends to exhaust and overextend the very race of people they are trying to make the dominate race in that industry. Whether it be the adult entertainment industry, corporate world, hip-hop music scene, etc.

Look at the corporate world, thanks to White racist corporate figure heads, the number of Whites who stay late at the office and away from their families compared to the number of any other races is staggering, and contributing to the high divorce rate (and if not divorce, more cheating) among Whites because they allow their corporate life to take precedence over their family life. I'm not saying minorities don't cheat just as much, but they are more free to go home and be a member of their families, unless they're foolish enough to try and compete, thereby suffer the same fate of divorce and cheating due to the same reason as their White counterparts.

I've come to realize that the same holds true for the adult industry. Especially in gay porn, from Lucas Entertainment on the East Coast to Falcon Studios on the West (with Pierre Fitch once being an exclusive - remember "birds of a feather..."), Blacks, Asians, Indians, and other minorities are constantly looked over during the casting process as if we don't fit into their storylines when their tales have no need for White as the specified race, except for their own racist visions. Remember, as I said earlier of how with racism, comes the exhaustion and overextending of the very race they are trying to make dominant. Let's look at the possible results that have recently surfaced in these companies trying to make the statement "white or near white is the only beauty."

I'm sure that signs of the troubles of that brought forth the deaths of both Kent North and Danny Roddick were not invisible. They had no business being in front of a camera. Now while the studios can't and shouldn't play babysitter, they should have shown the humanity it took to leave them to do the much needed work on their private lives, regardless of what Kent North or Danny Roddick said. But the producers and directors were so hung up on having their "White face" on display that they chose to ignore them.

Now for the most recent trend - "gay-for-pay" actors Marcus Allen, Mark Dalton, and Nickolay Petrov going violent. The thirst to say "White is the only beauty" has reared it's ugly head in this trend as well. They could have got anybody else for these roles, but they were so obsessed with their "white is right" mentality, they chose self-conflicted White men for the part. Ignoring the possibility of how (let's forget Black for just a moment) but an Asian or Indian playing those same roles. There is beauty to be seen within these races as well, yet racist producers and directors chose to ignore them. Now, look what they must contend with. Violent people who have put a blot on the reputation of these studios that they try to cover up by talking about a bevy of new releases, so that we forget their fuck-up. And you know what -

- when you have the fuckfaced audacity to be a racist running a studio in the melting pot known as the USA, a blot on your studio's rep is just a smidgen of what the fuck you deserve.

The reason I decided to stop fighting is because I realized that all the racism of these studios gives me and other ethnic actors a better chance at pursuing a lasting relationship. Even though I am still single, at least I don't have to tell my boyfriend that we can't have sex because I have another movie to do. I can date him, and really get to know him. He won't be to me what most pornstars have to call relationships - a constant pretty face or sugar daddy to call your boyfriend, nothing more. Hence the reason their relationships usually don't last long, because eventually in that routine, someone gets tired. And they either start wanting something real, or the ones who continue to be shallow want the same routine, but with a new face.

So with that advantage, you're probably asking yourself what I recently asked myself.

With that advantage what have I been fighting for?

As an Aries, I naturally like a challenge, and as an American citizen, I deserve that challenge of trying to maintain the balance between my sex life on and off camera. But thanks to racist studio heads, I have been denied the challenge that I was willing to take on from the 1st time I opened up a magazine looking for a chance to be a part of the adult entertainment industry.

The point I have come to now is that I am now taking a negative and turning it into a positive. So I'll leave these studio heads to be racist pigs. I will leave them to kill off their own in the process. And not just in the physical sense like Kent North and Danny Roddick, but in the spiritual sense as well by using these "gay-for-pay" models who are living a lie to themselves and their significant others. After all, lies to yourself and/or others always wear down the family structure.

So from here on, I'm going to do my thing whenever the opportunity presents itself, instead of searching and fighting for it. I'll continue to vent about racism, but not with the purpose of trying to inspire change. I am leaving racist studio heads to be what they always have been and always will be - their own worst enemy.

Monday, February 11, 2008

RealTALK! Live Interview on February 14th

Although the person that I am has not been recognized by mass adult media outfits like AVN or Fleshbot, I love doing what I do and showing the heart that I have which is something pornstars are not advertised as having. So when Papi Chulo recently invited me for an interview on RealTALK! LIVE with Big Ceaz, I wouldn't dare say "No", because he is one of those few people who took note of why I write this blog. To show us adult entertainers as being more than just sexual creatures, but human beings with a heart, mind, and soul.

Let me first admit my fault in why this is just happening now, while Papi Chulo has been a friend of mine on both MySpace and DList for quite some time. Papi Chulo contacted me wanting to start a Yahoo! Fan Group in my honor back in August. I finally got back to him last week. After seeing numerous MySpace bulletins about interviews with other celebs in both adult and mainstream entertainment. We had a fun conversation where I felt so comfortable that I was trying not to give too much away to him right then, and leave room for him to discover something new about me during an interview.

What I'm looking forward to most is undoing the stereotype many studios carelessly put out there about porn actors. Booking them for interviews for them to sell the sex, and nothing else. Nothing about what made them who they are. For 1), as I stated earlier, my blog disputes that theory of porn actors being just sex object; and 2) every interview I have ever done so far is one where either they freely appraoched me, or I seeked them out. I have no exclusivity to a studio that makes it their call as to who I get interviewed by or make an appearance for. I am a porn actor who is in power of himself. Practically all of the big names right now can't say the same. So their notoriety has come at a price.

I may get deeper into this and other matters, but definitely fun ones when the interview takes place LIVE this Thursday from 11 PM - 1 AM (Eastern Standard Time). Call in because I would love to hear what you want to know about me that I haven't talked about already in my blog. The number will be (646) 200-0752. And if you miss it, you can go to the website and hear it later on.

Listen to Real Talk With Big Ceaz on internet talk radio

When it's the audience turn for the Q & A, I'll be waiting for your call.

Take A Trip To Show World

Last Saturday morning, my cell phone rang about 10:45 AM. On the weekend, I never call anyone until about 2 PM at the earliest, because you never know what kind of mischief they are sleeping off or still in the midst of during the morning hours. In fact, you may recall my encounter with the 2 Swedes. Well around 10:45 AM that Saturday morning, I simultaneously had 1 Swedish dick thrusting and throbbing in my ass while another was doing the same in my mouth. With that in mind, since I knew by the ringtone that it wasn't Mom calling, I thought that whoever was waking me up with this phone call, better be calling with something good.
The phone call was from Taino, my scene partner from Knight Stick Films upcoming 1st feature "ALL OUT ASSAULT".

It turns out he threw my name in to be a dancer for a new gig he just started. So at this point, I felt I got woken up for a good thing after all.

Unlike on a porn set with my scene partner, with a dancing gig I practice restraint in the fact that I don't make my intense attraction to my fellow dancers known. With that being my credo, I had to kick that restraint into high gear because I walked in to find that all of my fellow dancers were fuckin' hot. Definitely earning their name,
BUFFBOYZZ. So the restraint I had to practice was to remain a BuffBoy, and not become the BuffBoyzz's FluffBoy.

If you add that plus the stage letting me go beyond the limitations of dancing on a bar, I had a fun night where I will be coming back for more. And I hope you will come by, say "HI" to me and the guys. The ways we can welcome and entertain you are listed in this flyer:

If thoughts of what you may have missed already doesn't get you there, then I don't know what will. Things like me and Taino getting messy in a show where he sprays me with whipped cream and with the passion of a hungry animal licks it off of me. It was one of those moments where being messy is so damn hot. Well, that was just 1 moment among others. And remember, seeing is believing, so to learn of others, you have to come over and find out. Because we will definitely motivate you to want to come back for more.

Thursday, February 7, 2008

Denied Self Becomes Violent Self

While I have definitely had my say regarding my disdain for "gay-for-pay" actors, a new news item that has been brought to my attention thanks to Men Of Color Blog, has brought forth another reason to light as why studios should stay away from these guys.

I have admitted to being a fan of his, even considered him as a possible scene partner knowing he was "gay-for-pay", but when I heard that Nickolay Petrov was being charge with attempted murder, I started to realize that there seems to be a trend going on here. It seems that every gay porn actor that makes the headlines because of some act of violence is a "gay-for-pay" actor. Look at the other people I can use as evidence - Marcus Allen, Mark Dalton, and one of my very own past scene partners, Double R (from what I've heard) is in trouble with the law in a way that could put him away for a long time.

Now, I am in no way about imply that truly gay men don't have a violent streak. But you have to wonder, does the fact that these "gay-for-pay" actors denying their true selves contribute to the violent acts there are accused of. Are they taking violence as a way to show the manhood they fear losing if they admit that they're gay or bisexual? Or is the violence against someone else actually them using their victim(s) as a punching bag for how much they want to hit themselves for lying to themselves and the women in their lives about their sexual orientation?

I'm sure that is the reason for that violent streak because, I was once there myself. I admit to having a terrible temper, but before my realizing my sexual orientation and embracing it, I had a lot less control over it. In fact, I left my last job out of fear that my temper was going to get out of control, and I would become another news story of a disgruntled employee. Even though, I have a great deal to be angry with my present employers over that could put me in that same state of mind, since my sexual awakening, the thoughts to resort to a horrific degree of violence are under control. Why? Because my anger towards my former employers compounded with my anger towards myself for lying about who I really am gave me a need to release that self-inflicted inner-rage. Now, even though my present employers are assholes inept at being humane, with the anger gone due to my resolving the issue of my sexual orientation, my anger towards them is strictly towards them. And I never get angry enough towards them that it blinds me to the fact that no employer is worth me risking my life as a free member of society.

It has been theorized that gay-bashers attack gays out of self-loathing they feel because gays live the sex lives the gay-bashers have thought about even for a flash at one point or another, but feel guilty because of the environments the gay-bashers were raised in. And these "gay-for-pay" actors committing these acts of violence may be even worse, because compared to gay-bashers who usually attack total strangers, more of these "gay-for-pay" actors are attacking people who are a part of their life, be it business or personal. With that in mind, I believe that it is safe for me personally to theorize that their victim becomes a target when they in some way remind the "gay-for-pay" actor of his gay acts that he tries to bury because he's not on a gay porn set at that time.

Once again, I must address this to the studios hiring these guys, who as it seems that because of their denial of themselves are more capable of these violent acts than your already out and proud gay/bi man. Because of this potential for violence due to self-loathing, these guys are a risk to the image you should want to present. I am not saying that a truly gay/bi man is not capable of the same degree of violence, but when you are knowingly bring someone in denial of themselves into the fold, you create an almost 100% risk to creating a mentally unsafe environment for your truly gay actors. Remember my incident with Double R? These "gay-for-pay" guys bring their uneasy vibe from their self-denial with them, and since producers and directors aren't the ones topping or (even more uneasy) being a bottom with these guys, you don't know of what us actors have to mentally put ourselves through to deal with these guys. What would be even worse though would be if you didn't care.

At this point, I do not totally fault the porn studios for hiring these guys. There is a fascination with them as to how they call themselves straight yet fuck men. But now that I have presented this reality to myself, and passed it on to you, I hope this fascination is over for you as it is now over for me. With that being said, should this "gay-for-pay" trend continue, I will begin to hold studios responsible. These are obviously unstable people, more unstable than most, and allowing them into the fold of gay porn to deal with the demands of it will only increase their instability.

Tuesday, February 5, 2008

Dr. Wannabe-God

First off, before I continue, I'm sure some of you are psycho-analyzing me, and saying, "He's doing porn because he lost his faith in love."

And those thinking that couldn't be more wrong.
I have always thought about doing porn, even before Danny came into my life. As I have said in the past, I can take the porn industry or leave it. It is not a neccesity to me. Therefore, had I ever found the man of my dreams before, my desire to do porn would have never seen the light of day, and I would have had no regrets. So my being single made me free to pursue porn because I had no one to answer to. Unless my relationship was already open, I can't see myself asking my life partner if I could do porn. By holding true to that standard, it shows that I still have faith in love and romance.

My situation with Danny, and others boils down to the same thing I told Danny when he brushed me off. The fact is that the American healthcare system looks at those who are ill as cash-cows. I'm sure that the cure for HIV/AIDS, cancer, and other diseases are out there, but our healthcare system doesn't really want to hear of it as much as they say they do. The average American citizen does, but not them.

Think about it.
If they totally cure you of your ailment - be it anxiety, depression, HIV+ status, or some form of cancer, since these are such epidemics, there's money to be made off of these things. If they cure it, you longer need their services, and no longer need to pay them the huge amounts of money they charge you. Trust me, if and when any of these are no longer such epidemics, the American medical community will be willing to send you to a free clinic in no time, just as they do with syphillis gonorrhea, etc.

In regards to mental health, the bottom line is this - as far as I've seen from these guys I've been involved with, the taking of these meds never end. I dated one guy who took pills for depression, and he felt good to stop taking them, but his ever-so-trustworthy doctor told him, that if he stops, he'll have thoughts of suicide. So my questions is, when does he stop taking them? If you call yourself loving this person, are you going to have to love a drug-dependent person for the rest of your life? This is what our trusted medical community has given us. A society of drugees, hence the reason why their greed has made the U.S. healthcare system the worst ranked in the industrialized world.

What scares me the most is the fact that I could have been in that number. Remember, before my sexual awakening, I had depression, anxiety, yet I am not, nor have ever been on any medications. It's because those demons surfaced for me, and I fought them all. I didn't need a doctor telling me "take this, it'll make you feel better." Why don't they just send people out to a street corner in the ghetto, and tell them to get some weed, cocaine, "E", "K", or whatever letter of the alphabet drug will do the trick of making them feel they have conquered their woes. Because then, Dr. Wannabe-God makes no money, that's why.

And I say "Wannabe-God", because that is exactly what he/she is trying to be. My demons were, and are still being conquered by my faith in God, not faith in man. I have no intentions of sounding like a preacher with this, but this is how I survived my contemplations of suicide, my fear of socializing, etc. How are you surviving yours? I advise you to talk to God, talk to a minister, talk to a friend, talk to your family, and when all else fails, talk to a mental health doctor. But when a mental health doctor advises you to pop a pill he/she prescribes to make you feel normal, in reality, you will never take the time to solve your problem, so you're going to find yourself so busy feeling so good from Dr. Feelgood's pills, you'll fear, and won't look back on your life at what brought you to that point.

How do I know this? Because that was Danny. Never wanting to talk about the past that brought him to the state that he was in.

Well, I want a man in my life, not some cowardly overgrown little boy. And a man faces his demons head on, therefore drug-free. Which includes both illegal substances and doctor-prescribed ones.
As I said at the start of my last entry, I know what I said may not be a popular opinion. Sorry, to those who disagree, but I don't care much for your upset. UNLESS you can prove my logic and experience in this matter to have led me to be wrongly informed, I will stand by everything I have stated within these past 2 entries. So I leave you with this - if you can prove me wrong, being that I do allow comments, I now give you the floor....

Monday, February 4, 2008

Danny Boy: A Mental Health Matter

In light of the latest Britney Spears drama, such as the possibility of diagnosing her as being bipolar, I felt the need to make public my feelings about how the medical community is handling mental health. And what will say here is not from inexperience. I have enough, and I have had enough of keeping silent about what I see people in American healthcare doing to our society. What I say may not be a popular opinion, but it will be one that unless you can dispute the logic I will present to you, I will hold it as being a fact.

Let's get this 1st thing out of the way.

I DO NOT believe Britney Spears is bipolar, as I don't believe that it exist for a great many people who are diagnosed with it. I believe that her erratic behavior has been brought about by her present lifestyle, and some unresolved demons in her past may be reaching the surface. And when you lead a fast-paced life, those demons that were surpressed will start to make their presence known, because your new fast-paced life probably doesn't allow you the time that you once had to keep them under control. PLUS, anyone who is bipolar would have been exhibiting errratic behavior all along. So with that in mind, I repeat, I DO NOT believe Britney Spears is bipolar, therefore some doctor prescribing her some pills is not going to get her all better. That so-called doctor is just going to make her use the pills as a crutch, which would make that doctor a legalized drug dealer.

Now my experience on which I base this logic.

I have been involved with guys who were taking one form of medication or another for a supposed mental ailment that they had. The one I remembered most was Danny. He claims to suffer from anxiety attacks so he was taking Paxil. I din't know much about Paxil or mental ailments at the time, especially since even with my previous thoughts of suicide I never went the route of so much as seeing a psychiatrist, psychologist, therapist, etc. But my 6th sense always worried about the fact of him being on that medication. And he was the 1st and only guy I ever said "I love you" to.

Our problems started after when I realized that I needed to ask myself, "who was I loving?" Was I loving the version of Danny that was on Paxil? And hopefully after he stops taking Paxil, will the personality that he exhibits still be lovable? First of all, it wasn't actually lovable to start with. One minute, he would seem so enamoured with me,telling me that he's so glad that I'm a part of his life, and how he always wanted someone who showed him as much caring as I did, then when I want to plan for us to get together, he would become distant. Where was the mental stability that Paxil was suppose to bring forth? It probably never existed, OR the Paxil had overstayed its welcome in his body.

One day, Danny called me telling me that he had Bell's Palsy. My 6th sense kicked in, and I automatically sensed that Paxil was responsible. So I went online, and did an internet search using the phrase "Paxil side effects". I wound up online for hours looking at website after website saying how Paxil only works for about 4 years, and that side effects could include mood swings, and temporary paralysis. I asked Danny how long had he been on Paxil, and he said the magic number - 4 years.

At first, when I presented him with what I found, he was so thankful to me, and saying how he was going to get off of it. Then after a couple of doctor visits, he was basically telling me I didn't know what I was talking about.

We had a back and forth of being in each other's lives for about 2 or 3 years. And it's now at the point where we see each other, and don't say anything. He has seen me on the PATH train a total of 3 times since I moved out to Jersey City, and he can't even bring himself to look at me now. And it could be no other reason but guilt. I have no problem looking at him, because I did nothing but try to help him, so I have no guilt about what I've done. With him coming from a family where the stability of love was so little, while my family had it in overkill, I was trying to have that middle ground with him.

While writing this, I'm asking myself, if he could have gotten off that Paxil, would he have been someone I could have truly loved, and him naturally having the mental stability to love me back? Maybe, but thanks to whatever doctors put him on that road, we will never know. And I say that with no regrets, or hopes of fate changing so I will know.

I will get into my further criticism of the medical community in how they are handling this matter tomorrow.

Friday, February 1, 2008

Baña! Baña!

Last Friday night after a long time since my last trip I wrote blogged about, I went to Baña. I knew I was going to get into some mischief, and my lusting eye found a target to imagine myself with as soon as I walked downstairs and saw the attendant to check me in.

He was tall, nice-built. And as I checked him out from top to bottom, I notice he had a fuckin' hot ass. He looked awfully familiar to me,and just recently I realized why. He was a spitting image of Playgirl model Jeff Defrances, right down to the long hair.

And it's not that far a stretch to think something could actually happen. Remember last time I went to Baña, one of the attendants went above and beyond the call of duty and tended to me by giving my ass a pounding I was more than pleased with. In fact, I ran into him while I was there. He was in one area, while I was walking up the stairs to the pool and jacuzzi area. We said our "hello's", and while I wanted to stop and talk, I kept it moving because I know myself. Remembering that body and that dick was going to make me want a confirmation fuck. You know - just to make sure he was as good a fucker as I remember.

This time, I finally got to wear the swim trunks I was hoping to wear when I last tried going to Baña, but it got cancelled.

So how do you think I looked wearing this number? I love N2N Bodywear. Their designs leave so much, yet so little to the imagination at the same time.
I went and sat in the jacuzzi, and realized that this cute comedian I once saw at an event was there as well. Not only was he there, but he was checking me out. I gave him a few glances that I progressed to accompanying with a smile. I thought we were going to interact right there, but he later got out, and to my surprise, it turned out he was totally naked. Damn, I wish I knew how to swim, so I could have tried sucking him off underwater. I've seen it done in porn movies. Most recently in the appropriately named, "Underwater".

That night, I was wishing I could do it myself.

Well, I did eventually get to fool around with him. I got pretty bold, guys. I walked pass him, looked at him, stopped, and just reached out for him to feel on his hairy chest. We just stood there making out for a bit. And I did mention that he was a comedian, I have to say that when I reached down to feel his cock and massage his balls and ass - I discovered that they all would bring a smile to your face, but not out of laughter. You'd smile because you had the chance to grab hold of them.

After that makeout session, I was left to have fun with some other hotties. One of these hotties, made his hotness short-lived by his lack of tact in makeout skills. Such as the fact that he called himself biting my lip when he kissed me. Problem is he really did bite my lips. Any skilled makeout artist knows that you don't actually bite the lips, but let your teeth graze the lip with just enough force that you can pull it. And he lacked the same tact with my ear. And I was thinking, "Wait, a fuckin' minute! When in the hell did you become Mike Tyson, and I became Evander Hollyfield!"

Maybe he should try that makeout style at a party held by an S & M enthusiast, because I like making out not having to wonder whether or not blood was drawn from my body. Unless I was making out with the sexiness of Vampire Lestat. And this dude was not it. But I soon had something to take my mind off that makeout woe.

Now, to be honest, I'm not normally into older guys, but I started drooling when I saw Colton Ford. His body is soooo fuckin' amazing. Why wasn't I doing porn when he was doing it? Although with my luck, I probably wouldn't have had the fortune of him as a scene partner. Well, along with his body being amazing, so was his voice, and his dancing with the sexy guys and gals of The Daisy Spurs. They put on a rousing show that I never expected to see at Bana. And just about everyone at the party came in to see the show.

It was a fun night. I did miss the fact that I didn't see my fellow cast member from "All Out Assault", Mike Dreyden, who was working the clothes-check area for those who didn't purchase the ticket that gets you a locker. Since I had paid for use of a locker, I really had no reason to run into him, but it was would have been cool to run into him by chance and say "Hi". Especially since he it was announced that he would be working the clothes-check in his birthday suit.

Well, you have to admit, even though I missed that, I made out pretty well, because Baña was hotties galore. I was tended to by hotties, made out with some hotties, and watched some hotties (both male and female) perform. So Baña boys - when's the next one?

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