I Said I Was A Sex Blogger, And He Ran Like A L'il Biatch!

I was standing in front of the DJ booth. In this deep dark, I felt myself being watched. So then I had to figure out by whom. It turned out being a tall, slim, dark-haired white guy at a diagonal to my right. We slowly started exchanging glances. As this continued, 2 others guys came on each side of me, closing me in, which I hate. So I moved over to stand against the wall to the right of the DJ booth, which actually put me still at a diagonal behind the guy, but a very slight one. He turned, and the exchange of glances continued. He then proceeded to stand against the wall next to me, but still not saying a word.

This made me think back to my playmate from "French Kiss, Big Bliss". Introducing himself to me by saying, "Either we can keep looking at each other, or one of us can say 'Hello'." So instead of us continuing to gawk at each other, even with him standing next to me against the wall, I initiated conversation by saying hello.

We exchanged names. His name was Robert. He was White American, but born in Spain. Well, whatever the case, he definitely adopted the too typical American attitude towards sexuality that I've encountered.

For during our conversation, we talked about what we do for a living. He's an actor. As for his liking what I do, he was okay with me saying that I worked in a sex shop as my day job. However, when I added that my side job is that of a sex blogger, Robert did the oldest escape line in the book by saying, "I'm going to go use the restroom." Then added to show the finality of how this was a move to escape, "It was nice talking to you."

This is not the 1st time a guy has turned tail and ran when I tell them I'm a sex blogger. It has happened enough times that as with all such blog posts, I'm forced to make it public knowledge because it is indicative of a greater problem in the American gay community. And I must say American, because that is who this has most often happened with. With European suitors, along with the initial fascination most Americans give, they've also at least allowed me to say the truth of how I practice discretion. They at least allow that much to be said. Hence why I'm still in touch with my playmates from my years old blog posts, "Sexy Sweet Swedes" and the aforementioned "French Kiss, Big Bliss".

As my most loyal readers have seen, I don't put you on blast by name unless you have wronged me.

With that I'm sure some of you are asking: How did Robert wrong me? He did so by wasting my time. For so many gay males give off this idea that since we're out and proud gays, we don't have to abide by the sexually oppressive norms of the hetero-normative. Well, if you are a gay person with an issue with talking about sex, then you're a hypocrite to that bullshit hype about all gay males. A hypocritical hype often found with American gay males. Hence why in a sexually permissive space, a visiting European is often underwhelmed. Since they are not above lowering themselves to the colorism and racism I often write about, I have found myself passed over for a white/light American. But you can see they were just settling for the optics. For they later come back around trying to get me. Due to finding the sexual energy of who they settled for disappointing.

If you want to know what exactly I write about with sexuality, then simply ASK. One can very simply ask me questions like:

• Do I write about sex in general, and/or do I talk about my own sexual experiences?
• And if I do the latter, how discreet am I?

2 simple questions I could very simply gave the answers to with the evidence being throughout this blog in posts telling of my sexscapades. Unfortunately, members of this Grindr generation (like Robert) are too socially inept to communicate in one-on-one conversations. So they are totally oblivious about asking any simple question(s) that can put their mind at ease on a matter. 

I'm sure some of you are quick to say that not everyone wants to be written about. I am totally aware of that. Hence why with my 1st Amendment right to freedom of speech, I use discretion. However, with that discretion, if you've done nothing to be ashamed of, then you should have no problem knowing that such a tale of your sexual prowess (or lack thereof) is out there. Those who have allowed shame by activity, ethnic, religious, and workplace cultures, etc. to impose upon their pride in their sexual behavior are those most uncomfortable about such tales.

Being insightful, I can very easily surmise as to what some guy's apprehensions are. They feel my being a sex blogger means:

• I'm studying them. Well, isn't that what anyone is supposed to do when they meet someone? You should be getting studied by the person you meet even if they are a mortician. So my being a sex blogger should not make a difference. The insecurity that males try to hide just makes them more aware of it. For they believe;
• I'll be more critical of their sex skills. This is a threat to the typical male because as I have said in a post for Thotyssey NYC, we males are taught to think we're all-knowing when it comes to sex. So being in the presence of a sex blogger threatens a blow of that cover. Exposing how much males are not omniscient about sex as they pretend they are. Well, truth be told, if the guy possess such unfounded arrogance, blowing that cover is what he deserves. Otherwise, if I'm unsatisfied, I would do as I advised in that Thotyssey article, and honestly and respectfully communicate my dissatisfaction.
• I'm going to without a doubt write about the encounter. At one time, that might have been the case. Because contrary to what many believe, I don't have sex as often as people think. So each sexual encounter was  a celebration simply because it happened. Especially after my late coming out. Now however, with my maturity, I've made the rule to write about the encounter when the sexual experience has actually taught me something. Knowledge to pass on to you, my readers. And since I don't have sex that often, and am sober when I do it, it makes the details to pass on that knowledge easier to remember. With that being the case, sexual encounters that are all about pleasure may or may not be spoken of in articles. And if they are, as long as I'm practicing the aforementioned discretion, there should be no need for worry.
• they are actually doing something shameful and fear exposure for it. Such as those who fetishize one because of their color, ethnicity, age, religion, etc.; or those leading double lives because living their truth would be hurtful to the ones they have never lived their truth with from the start. And if you are doing such shameful things, you are concerned about being exposed to the public for it. Well, there's an easy solution to avoid being called out for those things, be it by a sex blogger (like myself), or a random person you crossed needing to vent on social media...
  
  DON'T DO THE STUPID SHIT THAT MAKES YOU DESERVE BEING CALLED OUT FOR!!!

The problem is that all of these are based in guilt and shame about their sexual behavior. The first 3 bullet points though might very well be for no good reason. As some of that sexual behavior that guys are feeling guilt and shame over is simply them being gay. Hence those who drink to the point of drunkenness even when they don't even plan to so much as kiss a guy. They want to numb themselves to their action as a gay male.

This leads to another wrong of Robert. His alcohol consumption for liquid courage. Many, too many a gay males are okay with this. Completely ignoring the fact that using liquid courage to express any part of yourself, especially your sexual self is not a man.

And liquid courage is why Robert  tried coming back to me. Yes, you read correct. He was fooling around with someone else. I was standing nearby by paying him no mind. Then I saw a hand reach out for me, and it turned out being Robert. In response, I swatted his hand away and my inside voice made its way outside for me to say "Alcoholic faggot!"

He evidently heard me, and tried growing a pair of balls with his tone by saying, "Excuse me?!"

I leaned forward to give him a closer look in the eye and responded, "I said 'alcoholic faggot!'", and then walked away.

Don't try showing me the pair of balls that grew from being tiny seeds on you only because you poured liquid courage into them. Because I will get a sadistic joy from embarrassing you for it taking liquid courage for you to seemingly grow a pair.

I make no apologies for what I said either. For we, the American gay male community have too many "Roberts" among us. So while "faggot" might be an ugly word to use, as I said before, needing alcohol to be the sexual self you want to be is not a man. Thereby making it ugly behavior. And someone needs to call all such people out on that ugliness. The reason it took me so long to come out was because I did not want to claim I "needed" substances in my body that morph my judgment in order to be the sexual being I want to be.

So in short, this behavior by Robert, and there being so many versions of him among us shows that we need to do better for ourselves. Doing so will hopefully cause a chain. One in which doing more right to ourselves will lead to us doing more right to others.

The Social Destruction of Fan Paysite Pornstars

I have a friend with benefits that I have fooled around with for a few years now. We have discussed numerous times about making a video because the sex between us ---- my dick inside his beautifully round ass----is SO FUCKIN' HOT.

Sometimes, when we get together, I'm ready to place both of our smartphones so we can make a video from 2 angles instead of just 1. However, just as quick as it enters our minds, we let it leave. It's because our lust for each other takes precedence. Making the only buttons we want to push not be those on a camcorder, the camera app on our cell phones, or the webcam on our laptops. Instead, the only buttons we want to push are those in and on our bodies to trigger one another's erogenous zones.

If porn actors and others with accounts on fan paysites like OnlyFans, JustForFans, and 4MyFans had that same kind of depth towards each other, then such sites would not presently be all the rage. Nor would they be a new rabid sign of how we are failing each other. For while we already know that sex is a commodity to them, their account on such sites shows just how deeply troubling such an outlook on sex really is.

When I did studio-based gay porn, I cherished my sex away from the camera. I never even propositioned a playmate during that time about recording us. Hence why the videos of me with someone on my XTube account are all after my retirement from studio-based porn. It's because I wanted my sex partners to know that I wasn't "on" while I was with them. I also wanted them to know that the sex I was having with them was about me enjoying their company first and foremost. Enjoying and reveling in the pleasures born from the sights, sounds, taste, textures, and smells from the joy and intimacy of the sex. Unlike those on these fan paysites, my playmates weren't a means to build up my marketability, even as a sex educator. If they exemplified a point that I've often made, like my playmate in "Why It's WE Fuck", it was strictly by chance.

In that and all of my other videos with someone, we were so into each other that we never looked at the camera. Unlike many on those fan paysites. Many of them can't get enough of looking at the camera while fucking. Never realizing how that look in the camera exposes:

• their desperation for validation through porn
• 
  
  
  an indicator of how in their narcissism, they want to make money from memberships so bad that they refuse to enjoy their sex partner and communicating that to their sex partner by looking into their partner's eyes. And sometimes, if they do look in their eyes, it's not with their own eyes. They instead use the eye of a camera. Lessening their intimacy with that person. Signifying so much more social ineptitude;
• 
  a sexual display that is all a put-on. When these porn actors play to the camera in their videos, you are never allowed to play voyeur and see their true sexual self. So if you're dumb enough to pay for it, then you're paying for a fake display. And the more you pay for it, the more it reveals your lack of respect for the connection that should come with sex. Especially when it is to be viewed by others.

I'm sure many have one of these fan paysites to have sex where they can reclaim control over their sexual self and escape from the loud-mouth and scrutiny of a porn director living vicariously through them. Working in such conditions, I understand a porn actor's need to escape. However, they need to wise up... Because what good is their "escape" when during their sex away from a studio, they're still playing to the camera? Also, where is the reclaim of power over their sexual self? Because in the end...

You are still somebody's bitch. You are still owned.

The difference is that instead of being owned by a studio-based porn director, you've now become a owned by your subscribers. Going from clocking in and out to be one power's bitch, then clocking in to being an even greater power's bitch. And quite often, it's within the porn actor's own place of residence. So where is the "home", and where is the "sweet" in your "Home Sweet Home" now?

Sadly, you sold it. While selling away the joy of having a praiseworthy sex life. And the "praiseworthy" I'm speaking of is solely about the serenity and intimacy that a mentally and emotionally healthy sex life should have. Because call it a job or not, it's still sex. Therefore, even if it's just a tryst, it needs that spiritual connection to be mentally and emotionally healthy sex. And that does not happen in many of these fan paysite scenarios.

Some on sites like OnlyFans have the fuck-faced audacity to ask you for tips so you'll see the very content that you subscribed to them for in the first place, which is deplorable. Many porn actors try to say they don't deserve to be looked down upon, but when they pull stunts like this, they most definitely deserve it. Because a subscriber already paid to see you totally naked, and/or to see you fuck. So asking for anymore money is you being another greedy, lecherous stereotypical prick that the sex industry is known for. So you're keeping the negative stigma associated with the porn industry very much alive. Congratulations, asshole!

With such methods, the way many do their fan paysite accounts makes them always "on". So they in turn have no real sex life. And the more members of our community act like this is okay, the more we are contributing to the lack of intimacy in our community's relationships.

Speaking of intimacy in relationships, let's address those who are on these sites and claim to be in relationships. What does this say about their significant other?

Well for starters, their "significant other" can't really be that significant. To themselves or the porn actor they're involved with. For after all I have said here thus far, do you really think allowing an even longer chain to the porn industry than that of a common studio-based porn actor makes an emotionally and mentally healthy relationship? Or does it contribute more so to the growing social dysfunction in the gay community?... I say the latter.

Since this is so often for the sake of bigging up the amount of material to put on their fan paysite accounts, and making "commercials" for their porn careers, it causes and justifies the lack of respect many have for sexual performers today. The ripple effect of this ignorance is that it causes true exhibitionists like myself to be seen just as worthy of disdain and unworthy of respect. In spite of the fact that our respect for you as a voyeur is the reason why you are never charged so much as a penny.

I have never, even while I was doing studio-based porn, charged viewers for watching my tube site videos. I always kept links to my porn accounts near the top of this page because over the years, I love the way I have learned to masturbate. I love the sex that I have learned to have. And I love that you enjoy watching me learn both. You can't really put a price tag on that love, or those connections.

This is why I am so troubled by many with these fan paysites. It's because they don't know of that love. Even if they say they do, their actions of having such an account, performing the way they do, and charging you money for it speaks way louder than their words.

Porn actors need that away-from-the-camera sex more than anyone. But having one of these accounts blinds them to the how sex needs to is a nature-blessed joy to cherish and the high percentage of times it needs to be held sacred. Even if they claim to find the person hot that they make a video with, how cherished and held sacred is that sex by all parties? Knowing that the main reason it was recorded was not to have a cherished memory of the encounter. Instead, it was recorded primarily for the purpose of making money. Even if a porn actor suppresses that acknowledgement, it is still there in your brain for you to feel less than because of it. Which leads to porn actors acting out. Most likely by doing more scenes, and taking more pics, then using the likes and purchases by subscribers and followers to distract them from dealing with the ugliness of it all.

So the real one who suffers in this obsession with seeking subscribers are those with the accounts. They are selling out their intimacy all for the sake of greater porn stardom. Being a fighter for exhibitionism and a healthy state of mind with it is why this troubles me. So for now, the best I can do is what I do when my compassion crosses paths with an addict... Distance myself from those who feel the need to go this route, but leave myself open to advise them if/when they alas realize, or even simply open up to suspecting that they have made a bad call.

It sadly needs to be this way because our society is already plagued with social ineptitude because of obsession with forms of social media. And the gay community as a whole is even more so socially inept by its unawareness and denial of how we define one another and gay sex by ways taught by porn. So such people need to be left alone until they realize the harm to others, and to themselves that they are contributing to.

No Longer Mr. Handsome NYC

Back in June, I won the title of Mr. Handsome NYC.

Part of my requirements as winner is to throw a fundraiser. I was all for this. In fact, I started contacting possible sponsors like immediately after winning. However, my selection and what was promised by those possible sponsors was looked upon as bare-boned. My search for sponsors was so brief because I was unaware of how much went into doing such a fundraiser, since I had never done such a thing. Plus in this case, I was unaware that the money for the benefiting organization did not come from a portion of admission. So with my writing 3 blogs, doing appearances, and as a union brother reminded me when I posted about this matter on Facebook, 1 or 2 union bargaining sessions each month since my day job unionized, there is no time for me to take on such an undertaking.

I offered the host, Hunteur that instead of doing a fundraiser, to simply host one night of the Handsome NYC party where I could choose a theme, decent porn, and music to set the mood. I believe since I had never done a fundraiser before, hosting a party night would me a much more reasonable dip of my toe in the water or organizing an event than adding fundraising to those duties.

Well, my offer to simply host a party was denied. So I was instead asked for the return on my crown, which is fine by me.

 For being the perfectionist that I am, I saw the crash-course offered of how to make a fundraiser being against my work ethic. I need to have the time to give my all. I was given a full year of my reign to make that fundraiser happen, but with all that I am presently doing, it would have still been a rush job to do an entire fundraiser.

Furthermore, I can't work with my position in gay nightlife being misconstrued as it was. For it was believed that I was greatly involved in gay nightlife. This is a great misconception that could have been avoided by paying close attention to my writing, and what kind of notoriety and lack of notoriety it results in.

For anyone who really takes note of what I write would realize what I write about gay nightlife is from the position of being an observer. Not by any means do my writings show me to be "connected" on such a friendly level with anyone in gay nightlife to be considered "involved". If I was, then how come after all of these years of blogging about gay nightlife have I never received a Glam Award nomination? Exactly. So entertaining that misconception was an added pressure I won't allow. Nor am I under any obligation to prove or disprove it.

Looking back on this, I realize now that part of the reason for the lack of contestants which allowed me to win that contest by default might be because of another reason besides the pretentiousness in gay NYC now. I feel the lack of contestants might be because possible contestants know someone who has done fundraising already. Thereby giving the potential contestant knowledge that I didn't have. They already knew about the barrage of emailing and back and forth that must be done for a fundraiser where the money to the beneficiary does not come from the admission. Either that, or they don't have the online following to feel confident in doing as much as host a party like I had offered. So they bowed out of the idea of competing. With that said, I believe that if the responsibilities after winning are scaled down some, then contestants who sign up (then actually show up) might not be so hard to come by.

In any case, I hope the best of luck to my alternate. I'll get the crown back to Hunteur when I'm out and about at that time. As for those who showed me such support before, during, and after winning the contest, I give to you a WHOLEHEARTED THANK YOU. 💋

It's All BUTT Love - Social Media Experiement

What does it take to do all of those Facebook Live, Instagram, and Snapchat videos? Considering how many of them show such mundane instances in one's day, one should wonder how much time they are wasting by watching them.

Case in point, I don't need to see you grocery shopping. Or walking to work. Or walking to your next gig... All with a stoic look on your face. IDGAF because...

WHAT THE FUCK DOES THAT HAVE TO DO

WITH YOUR BRAND????

And the answer is...

UNLESS YOUR BRAND IS "NARCISSISM",

NOT A MUTHA FUCKIN' THING!!!

This has always ran through my mind, but I thought more deeply about this while making the following video I posted on Instagram:

How do I plan on sleeping like a baby? By rubbing one out before I pass out with @tenga_pr's Flip Zero. #sextoys #masturbation #tenga #flipseries

A post shared by LeNair Xavier (@lenairxavier) on Apr 23, 2017 at 7:51am PDT

Afterwards, I left everything but my smartphone and the Tenga Flip Zero. Did what I said I was going to do with my Flip Zero, then went to bed. When I woke up the following morning, I came up with the idea to give this narcissistic craze a whirl. But to make it not be totally pointless, I still made it contribute to my brand.

So I decided to dance naked. I  told you I contributed to my brand. With every decision from the song, how much of the song, as well as how much of my body would show was decided upon, set up a tad more, and shot in less than an hour.

My decision after this was if it took that much work to quickly put together something that might actually contribute to the part of my brand meant to showcase the sex appeal of males over 30, especially of color, then what the fuck is wrong with the social skills of guys who take the time to post videos that contribute absolutely nothing to their brand.

It's fuckin' ridiculous!!!

Well, this is the end result of that experiment. It has gotten 800+ views at the time of writing this post. So I hope my snap decision to do this experiment contributes to my brand of representing being black, sexy, fit, high energy, while over 40.

What do you think?

It's All Butt Love from LeNair Xavier on Vimeo.