Breeding Black Armor By White Insecurity

People are the products of their environment. These environments have often programmed their proclaimed standards long before you met them. If those standards contradict your own, those signs of that environment might fade a bit in your presence. Unfortunately, like a computer, they often reboot in that person when they leave your presence.

So since most media, events, and the most-respected people in gay society do not teach inclusiveness, we have moments where some (mainly blacks) get overwhelmed feeling like the outsider. Even if they normally forge head-first into the situation as a means to combat it, like myself.

Such a situation has people wearing an armor, even if the event has us totally naked. And with that, there comes a point when that armor must come off. You can and should take the armor off yourself. Otherwise, it will fall off unexpectedly. Resulting in awkward, and sometimes dangerous situations.

I usually take the armor off myself. By either the event ending in time, or me removing myself from the situation. Recently at a party however, I didn't do the latter, and the armor fell off. Thereby creating, not a dangerous situation, but definitely an awkward one.

The host had no idea as to what caused my usually cool, calm, and collected self to suddenly bolt out the door. I later explained giving a much more condensed version of what I'm saying here now.

Many black males experience this, but will seldom (if ever) reveal it out loud. Meanwhile, those whites and light people of color whose selfishness refuse to discuss racism since they so massively benefit from it need to learn empathy and compassion.

At the aforementioned party, I was fine a t first. However, the smaller the crowd got the more I felt the energy making me "the black man in the room". Many black male party-goers feel this. Either drinking themselves into stoopers, or making themselves the main drug connection for whites, and getting high with those whites to avoid feeling the reality of being "the black man in the room". That's why I'm more prone to address it. I'm always sober enough to see it, feel it, therefore remember every detail to acknowledge our community's moments of progress, but too often lack thereof.

Like I said, this is something I, and every other black male feels at just about any gay event in this country. And the only way to avoid it is to exile ourselves further by attending all-black parties like the one I mentioned in a Facebook post I wrote about a Latino I played with at a CumUnion party. And as a born and raised New Yorker, therefore a born and raised American, I should not have to exile myself like I'm in Pre-Civil Rights Movement America when the year is 2017. Especially when the heads of gay media, party promoters, and porn producers further inciting this racism are transplants to this multi-colored and multi-ethnic mecca that is my home.

Any black male you meet telling you they know not of what I speak is in denial. Either that, or they're telling you a bold-face lie to cover the guilt racially insensitive whites and bougie people of color try laying on us. Calling us blacks who speak honestly on this matter, "angry black men" if we dare to bring this matter up.

The question created by these situations are:
Why are blacks and other darker people of color still being made to feel inferior, when they are not by any means?

Well, the answer is the same as it has been throughout American history. It's what brought forth slavery. It's what brought forth segregation. It's what brought forth gender inequality along with too many other forms of inequality... WHITE MALE INSECURITY.

This insecurity is born out of how it is very likely encoded in our DNA that when we are put on any kind of pedestal, we fear the day (and way) we fall off of it. And it is inevitable that we will fall off of it. For every thing man produces has mortality.

So a white male's time on a pedestal appearing as the epitome of sex, beauty, and intellect; light-complexioned people of various ethnicities given those same props because the whites running media consider them as "passing"; all of the aforementioned seeing a person of a darker color or certain ethnicity, and initially liking what they see, but turn their eyes away just as quickly because the programming kicks in to think of those people as "ugly"; and for all of them, youth being their ticket to climbing that segregated ladder...

ALL OF IT WILL DIE AT SOME POINT. Ageism dismissing older gays will start it on its way. As for its final resting place, maybe not in my lifetime, or yours, but these ways of life will die. And no matter how much of a bravado is put on by those benefiting from that racism, every one of those people are dreading the day their time of being seen as a stud, a muse, or a genius dies.

Worst part of it is that for generations, these gay males still have never realized, therefore ignored teaching the next generation that the more they play into that racism, the more they act entitled to its perceived benefits, the more it's going to hurt when it's time to come down. It's probably because each generation had and has an arrogance saying things like, "I like what I like just because" or worst, "It will never happen to me."

Well, don't we already see the signs that beg to differ? For you can't miss seeing in the bars and clubs, the lonely old white and light-complexioned males buying lapdances and "alone time" with go-go boys. And long before that and very much on-going, how older guys are the main clients for escorts/prostitutes. So basically, those younger gays doing these gigs, are doing so for their lonely future selves.

How much worst does it have to get for us to realize that this RACISM (sexual and otherwise) NEEDS TO STOP???!!! All of this makes it clear how actions like this racism in the gay community creates a chain of livelihoods that shouldn't even be called "livelihoods". For they are making our community put on a happy face when in all actuality, we are imploding.

Therefore, all of the aforementioned acts create a path that benefits no one.

Porn-Induced PTSD

The other day, I posted on Facebook about an incident that occurred the night before at The Cock's underwear party, Playpen, in which a guy from my past invaded my personal space. As I was writing about that incident, I realized that while being angry about someone invading your personal space is a natural and justified response, I saw myself get on the verge of violence. And it's not the 1st time that violent urge has occurred as an instantaneous response. Luckily for me, having outlets like my drawing and writing have been my therapy to hold the monster back.

This initial violent urge started after I retired from doing gay porn. Don't get me wrong. I have always been protective of my personal space, as everyone should be. However, my 1st response would be to instinctively yell at my violator. Much like a dog barks at a violator to warn them to not proceed with that violation, for an attack with violence will be the next action. The problem is after I retired from porn, I see now that my initial reaction to violations of my personal space has me having to force myself to do the instinctive yell. For my more instinctive initial reaction is to get violent to protect my personal space. Realizing that let me know something is wrong. So now I had to figure out what exactly is wrong.

What I have concluded is that it's some kind of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) brought on by my time in porn. And if you are a gay male, and this claim seems odd to you, then it's a hideous sign of how we as gay males are taught to have no boundaries for who we let touch our bodies, unless based on superficial credentials. Such as skin color and financial standing.

As gay males, we are led by many to allow any- and everybody to touch us. It started from the high number of gay youths who had to turn to prostitution after being thrown out of their homes by hypocritical Jesus freak parents/guardians. So it was a means of survival. For them. The problem now is that the chain of abuse has been put in play. For older gay males are prostitutes' primary clientele. So they teach the newly out gays that letting yourself be touched, no matter how disgusted you are by the person is how you survive. It's how you get ahead.

This is especially true in gay nightlife. Even more so if they're willing to tip. You are to let it be a stroke to your ego, because such appreciation for your beauty won't last forever. Well, I'm 45 and patrons still try stroking my ego - so so much for that theory.

Now, for those times that a patron is a cheap piece of shit who cops a feel without tipping, you're allowed your human nature to be annoyed by that patron feeling entitled to your body just because you're scantily clad. However, the desired reaction from you by most patrons, party promoters, and venue owners is to suck it up to avoid making a scene. And in the gay community, since the worlds of nightlife often lead to gay porn that set of rules follow. Rules that I myself allowed.

For when I was in porn, I would go out and be a lot more permissive of guys touching me, even if I didn't want them to. It was a means to sell a love for the porn persona.

Now, with me no longer needing to sell that image, my body is 100% MINE. I can be out and about in my undies or naked at an underwear or nude party, and feel no obligation to be touched if I don't want to. And my being in my underwear or naked entitles no one to put their hands on my body without an invitation from me via eye contact or verbal means.

I've long realized that the porn industry as a whole gives a false sense to performers that they own their own bodies. Unfortunately, the fact is it's the studio you're an exclusive for that owns your body. If you're not a studio exclusive, like I never was, then that ownership of your body is being passed along like a baton in a relay race. So regardless as to whether you are a studio exclusive or not, your body is never yours. And it will never be yours again until you leave the industry. This realization is what gave birth to my poem, "Boss of My Body".


This aftermath of being in porn further proves why I'm right to advise guys to not get in it. It's an ongoing process of no longer living that life. Maybe I would have less of these conflicts with guys invading my personal space if I wasn't an exhibitionist. However, that doesn't diminish the fact that I have a right to be an exhibitionist in an allowing space. It doesn't diminish the fact that "No" means NO the 1st time. Nor does it exonerate the guys who invade my personal space from deserving shame for their blatant social ineptitude that makes them disregard my saying "NO".

Violence as punishment is something I hope to continue to avoid. I have used various art forms as therapy to avoid it thus far, and I plan on continuing to do so.

With that said, I do feel for those past and present in the porn industry who are suffering from that stress, or will be in the future. For the lights of their porn-stardom will fade on them at some point. Either by their own choice, and/or by an undesired exile by the industry's ongoing desire to prey upon the desperation for validation and naivete in newer and younger models. Thereby, kicking out who they feel is old and overexposed.

So I wonder, will they mature as I have? Will they realize that there is a problem? If so, do they have the means to get those feelings out like I do? Or will it eat them up inside, and cause them to act out? Or will they do as most (if not all) present porn directors who used to be porn actors?...Start their own porn company with the same rules they were taught, thereby leading the chain of porn-induced PTSD to continue.

For some, these questions have already been answered. For others, all we can do is wait, and hope for the best. Unfortunately, as long as the industry continues to endorse prostitutes and gay-for-pay bitches in denial before exhibitionists, it's sad to say that we must expect the worst, while hoping for the best.

Go-Go Boys Racially Profiling Blacks... For Drugs

Recently, I wrote a post on Kinja about the roles depending on race/ethnicity that are ordained by the racist whites running gay media and nightlife. Two of the labels I stated as being put upon blacks were those of poor tipper and drug dealer. I should know. BOTH labels have been put upon me.

In numerous posts, I have made it no secret how many go-go boys do racial profiling in targeting patrons for tips. So if you're a person of color and notice a white patron getting more attention for their $1 tip than you, it's because they were taught the prostitution "mind"-set of targeting first old, then younger white males. And whether this is a practice taught by party promoters or more seasoned go-go boys, now you know what you're seeing. Also, you also now know to never tip his racist faggotty pig ass again.

So I already knew about go-go boys doing racial profiling for tips. However, imagine my surprise to see them do racial profiling...for drugs!!!

Yes, you read correct. I've seen a go-go boy do racial profiling for drugs. Now, it's bad enough to have had a number of situations where a white/light bar patron racially profiled my black self as knowing where to get drugs. And if you think it's not racial profiling, then explain this:

Some white/light people walk into the bar. Walking past numerous white/light people, and they don't stop and chat with another patron until they stand near you, one of (if not the only) black people in the room. And their greeting is them asking you if you know where they can get drugs.

Those doing this kind of racial profiling even includes a former Next Magazine cover model. But a go-go boy racially profiling a black person (or any other person of color), AND while on the clock is insulting to  the patron. Especially when that patron is a paying American patron.

I know because I am that paying American patron.

These Brazilian go-go boys are a duo. One with light hair, and one with dark. They were doing as they always do, when not on a box, tip-toeing around the bar, primarily targeting anyone alone. For in their minds, "alone" and "lonely" are synonyms, when actually they're not. For being lonely is being sad from being alone. I know their modus operandi so well because I was alone to do what I always do, observe and learn, which in turn makes me happy to be alone. But since they're one of my targets of observation, they would never fathom that.

However, on this night, the dark-haired one came up to me, which I found odd. For his light-haired partner always talked to me, but never him. In fact, the dark-haired one only shuffles across the floor, grinds up on a guy who makes their interest known by gawking at him, then says “Thank you”, only occasionally talking to anyone beyond that. So him opening his mouth to simply greet me when I was paying him no mind put me in even more shock. Well, I was trying to figure out what brought about this change in him to socialize with me. It didn't take long to find out.

For the very next thing he said after his greeting was,..."Do you know where I can get some cocaine?"

Hearing that question reminded me as to how I was one of few black guys in the bar, and how many white guys he stuck to his routine with of not talking much unless he was tipped. So between that, my being anti-drugs, being racially profiled by white/light patrons in the past, plus the unprofessionalism it takes for a go-go boy to try getting drugs (especially from a patron) while on the clock, I had to maintain my composure. For I was at a dangerously violent level of PISSED.

So I snapped back with the reply, “You don’t get to be my age, and look this good doing that stuff. So NO.”

Avoiding looking me in the eye, he turned his head and gave me a quick “thank you”, while doing his signature foot shuffle. Going away with his certified jackass tail between his legs.

If you follow my "Calling Out Ass Holes" Tumblr blog, you may know that the racial profiling in bar/clubs regarding drug use has happened to me before. It's recounted in the post titled, "Dancing While Black", where I was once removed from the dancefloor and searched at the (rightfully so) no-more Roxy. All because according to the sellout males of color who searched me, I "fit a description".

Never mind the fact that from what I've witnessed, since my coming out, the ones carried out of the bars/clubs for being wasted from drugs or booze has more than 80% of the time been white, followed their accepted person of color, light-complexioned Latinos.  Blacks and dark Middle Easterners are actually about 10%, or maybe less to be the ones carried out. So we're the good minority. Yet, you have the white heads of nightlife people treating us like we're the bad minority. Like the bad minority is supplying the drugs. And if nightlife people want to go that racist route, then let this scenario light a fuse in their sphincter that explodes when it reaches their stomach...

It's the simple law of economics. Supply & Demand. Even with illegal drugs. Let's say for argument's sake that the drug dealers are black. Well, if that black drug dealer is supplying the drugs, he can't supply the drugs if there is not a demand for product from the low sense of self-worth displayed by those white/light people and/or their Uncle Tom co-horts. So it's these white/light people needing to be carried out of the bar/club who keep the drug dealers in business. Plus, these blacks most likely don't have the connections to get these drugs. But the well-to-do whites targeted by go-go boys do. So there's your real supplier. Yet, just like with the American justice system, the racists running gay nightlife are targeting the black middlemen in the chain of the drug trade. As if that is going to solve the problem.

Well, I've seen some of the minority drug dealers no longer allowed to hang outside the bars. So if that was stopping the drugs, then why am I still being approached by whites asking me if I know where to get drugs? It's because their racist asses are still getting high!

This is what the white/light privilege and entitlement has brought to the gay community now???

It has already made white/light people of all ages feel entitled to touch go-go boys without tipping. Interrupting patrons of color who actually are tipping, all so they can make out with go-go boys, or buy them off the bar with money, promises of sex and/or drugs. All this, YET blacks still get racially profiled for being the main association with drugs and not tipping go-go boys. Well, if blacks do start ignoring go-go boys, you blame us based on how we're treated.

For while I'm sure what happened to me in this instance is not a common incident of racial profiling in gay nightlife, I'm sure it's a sign of the next step. That step where this sense of entitlement, privilege, and preferential hiring meant to cater to racism has now led to white/light staffers boldly racially profiling black patrons. For the racism promoters are catering to leads them to have no fear of consequence(s).

In fact, if the promoter or bar owner learns of this post, I'm sure that the most reprimand that will probably happen to that go-go boy afterwards is him being told to not approach me (specifically) again...because I'm a blogger.

The problem with that is just like many might not know of me as a blogger who calls out such occurrences, the next black person they approach in such an unprofessional manner could also be such a blogger. One even more popular than myself, but taken for granted because blacks are perceived by many as being powerless in the gay community, especially gay media. Or a white/light blogger who witnesses such actions, whose humanity and racial sensitivity make him find such actions from a go-go boy intolerable. Whatever his color, he might be an even more well known blogger whose post like this can do way more damage...

So party promoters and bar owners, THINK ABOUT THAT.

With that said, these promoters better check these go-go boys before bloggers like myself do it for them. Because I'm tired of people of my skin color and darker being made to appear as not good enough to dance on the bars and danceboxes of gay nightlife. Yet, these white/light boys are treated like the saints of beauty & sexuality. Being allowed to pull racist shit like this to patrons, and keep on dancing.

And I know such unprofessional behavior is not the case of every white/light go-go boy. And that's another reason I'm writing this post. For in recent years, I've seen too many go-go boys who are allowed to be this unprofessional that they put those who are professional under suspicion as being just as bad as them.

So THIS ALL NEEDS TO STOP!!! And if calling this situation out needs to be the beginning of that ignorance's end, then so be it.

Comment To Broadly's "Why Gay Porn Stars Keep Dying"

I recently came across an article on the website Broadly titled "Why Gay Porn Stars Keep Dying". With my porn past, and all I have said in the past about the industry and its most loyal fans, you know I have a viewpoint on this. So due to how much I had to say, and even more so, since there is no comments section at Broadly, I found the author's email address and write him an email to give my comment.

So the following is an open letter of that email:


Hello Steven.

As a former gay porn actor, knowing that I've been eyewitness to all that leads to these porn actor deaths made me unable to sit through all of what you wrote.

For the reason so many porn actors die young is because the industry preys upon their desperation for validation. I knew because I like "Alex" came from a religious upbringing. And after my first day on a porn set, I felt sexually liberated. Like my having gay sex for all the world to see validated my degree of homosexuality. But when confronted with the racism, I saw the truth of the industry and how much bad we were contributing to the gay community. For whether studios admit it or not (and practically all won't), gay porn is a teacher to a newly out gay, and has taught many of the older gays now of how to interact with each other. It is for this reason that the community is also to blame for these porn actor deaths.

For the gay community needs to stop letting gay porn be its teacher of how to interact with other gay males. Just because we're gay doesn't mean that we have to be rebellious like teenagers, and spit on what our straight parents taught us about courtship and commitment. But the gay community led by gay porn's illusion of how we are to interact with each other does it all the time. 

And why are gay porn actors treated like the community's heroes? For seeing them at bar events as go-go boys, these white and Latino go-go boys are the most obnoxious with a sense of entitlement that is sickening. They have no work ethic whatsoever. Why? Because the racism of the industry makes them feel like the world is theirs. But give it a few months to a year, and reality kicks in. And they need drugs & alcohol to numb themselves to the reality.

Maybe my being a man of color who wasn't the white-ordained picture of black male beauty kept me grounded in knowing that my opportunities in the business were slim, which made me keep my work ethic in check. So in that case, being black and not a sell-out were a blessing as to why I'm alive today.

Now, while I didn't read to entire article, one of the things that made me stop was my absolute disgust at Conner Habib, and you giving him a platform to speak ignorance such as this from your article:

 When I spoke to Habib, he stressed to me how empowering porn can be. "You learn how to have sex with people you're not attracted to and you learn to perform all sorts of acts that would normally be exhausting. It's a really intense skill set, and the people who succeed are the people who do it well, who can perform."

Let me tell you firsthand, porn STARTS OUT making you feel empowered, but soon after, if you ever stop to get your sense of self back, you'll see it's all an ILLUSION. For what stable-minded human being wants to learn how to have sex with people they are not attracted to? If you say prostitutes, let me clearly state that for that reason, prostitutes are NOT stable-minded people. I've had prostituting moments in my porn career, and I knew that if I kept doing scenes under those conditions, I'd become like most gay males are thanks to porn...an emotional cripple. For sex be it with a life partner or one-night stand should be about a spiritual connection.

With that said, for Conner Habib to make such a statement, his "activism" is obviously to further make gay males self-loathing emotional cripples who do stupid shit because of that self-loathing. Therefore, if Conner Habib has any kind of degree in regards to mental health, then it needs to be revoked immediately. 

Now, you have my permission to post this. I have no reason to hide the truth that I speak. Thank you.

Keep Being U2B. FREE,

LeNair Xavier originally gained notoriety in the underground as adult entertainer, "Tré Xavier". Now, since parting ways with the porn industry, he is making a brand of LeNair Xavier - as a writer, blogger, artist, performer, and model. Still demanding equality, and not just racial equality. But in all areas he believes in, and is asked to lend his voice.

http://TresX-RayVision.com

http://lxtreme.tumblr.com

http://callingemout.tumblr.com

Talking EXPLOITATION et al. with Justin Samuels

My last blog post was about my annoyance with a guy I briefly dated, but remained civil with named, Lovari. For announcing he was producing porn with Latino Fan Club, which features a lot of guys claiming to be "on the down low".  And I've made it no secret about how I feel about that and "gay-for-pay". Hence my annoyance.

Shortly after, Lovari did an interview with blogger/author Justin Samuels who  mentioned my blog post about Lovari in that interview. I then found myself verbally attacked by commenters and responding by re-iterating points I had already made in my blog post about Lovari. Most comments were signed "Anonymous" (chicken shits), and to be honest, I suspect that some were from Lovari himself. For the wording was too similar. Plus, if more than one person's brain is that ass-backwards, then we are truly doomed as a community.

Anyway, to be fair, Justin Samuels offered me an interview to explain my point of view for his audience. I graciously accepted, and not only did we address my viewpoint on producing porn with guys on the down low. We also addressed the state of gay nightlife, gays in the military, and gay marriage as well. So check out the interview:

LeNair Xavier on the Exploitation in the Porn Business and Gay Club Scene 

 

Hustlaball For Hustla's Fall

I will admit that there was a time I had enough issues with Hustlaball because of its racist performance roster that I had my own personal boycott of the event. Now while that racism is somewhat fading, some will try to say that I'm never satisfied. For I still have an issue with hearing that event's name. In fact, I think I always have. I just repressed my loathing.

You see, while I was in the porn industry, I tried to not be judgemental of escorts. Even though I was fully aware in my mind that their existence in the industry was lessening the beauty of the sex we see in porn movies. Once I decided to say the truth not only in my head, but also aloud, that's when I decided to leave the porn industry, and become publicly vocal about the ugliness of prostitution, or its sugar-coated word, "escorting".

This of course has led the naive that still surround themselves with these people to feel that I have (as someone once said to me) "been on a high horse" since my leaving the industry. Well, if I'm on a high horse for deciding to not surround myself with a bunch of people who are doomed for dead-end lives by dedicating themselves to having dead-eyed sex,...then I will make sure that since you're so low down that my high horse dumps its shit on you. As my way of saying goodbye before I ride off to a destiny worthy of my intellect.

So this post is calling out myself. Not for hypocrisy. But on my long-overdue maturity. How my eyes have been opened as to how Hustlaball still should be boycotted. If not for racism, as I'm sure it still perpetuates the "Black guys as overly aggressive tops" belief, then simply for its praise of prostitution. For it still teaches our young gay males that drugs, alcohol, and prostitution are the way to acceptance by your fellow gay male. Leaving out the truth of how many old guys are not trapped in that world, which I'm sure very well contributed to the drug addictions, depression, then suicides that have killed some porn actors in the past, present, and future.

Anyone in the business that tries to tell you my claim is false is doing what many in that world do ---live in denial. For while I was in the industry, I've seen many performers do drugs before and/or after a show. Plus, the event is called "Hustlaball" for a reason. It's a gathering of hustlers a.k.a. prostitutes a.k.a. hookers a.k.a. whores. Which is why my most loyal readers may recall how I once got propositioned at Hustlaball by a patron,...while I was a patron myself.

Now, if you want to go to this event, that's on you. This post is just letting you know the self-destructive escapist world you are contributing your money to. If you can live with that, have at it.

Gay Pornstars,...Our Gay Super Heroes?

Every live appearance I made during my time as porn actor, "Tré Xavier", I never fully understood why patrons were treating me like I was some kind of superhero, or a god. Granted this was between 2005 and 2009, so I partly understood because being gay was still not as accepted in the mainstream as it is today. Therefore, gay porn was a gay male's only outlet. Making gay media hail any guy sexually expressing his homosexuality for all to see to be a "coming out' hero. Even though that was the case, I still always said to myself, "So what if I'm a sexually liberated individual? So what if I'm an exhibitionist? I'm not a god, so I shouldn't be treated as such."

If I said that to myself back then, you know that I'm definitely saying it now. For the porn scene has changed for the worst since 2005. In fact, it is that change that caused me to announce my retirement from the industry in 2009. But the change has gotten so bad now, that not only do I have no understanding at all of why pornstars are held up like heroes of sexual freedom in our community, but I am also straight up disgusted by it.

The reason being that when I was doing studio-based porn, there was a 50% chance that a porn actor was also an escort (or male prostitute). One reason that made me leave the industry was because I felt that percentage was rising. And I was right. It has now risen so much that you can find about 90% of porn actors with profiles on sites like Rentboy, RentMen, HourBoy, etc. or advertising their escorting services on websites for sex hook-ups. And contrary to what some may try to mislead you by telling you, as I recently said in this Facebook update, there is no sexual freedom in prostitution (or the sugar-coated word, escorting):

One reason I started doing porn was because at that time it was the only way a male questioning his orientation could see another male comfortable with his homosexuality. With that in mind, my plan was to be paired with guys showing real attractions, not fake ones. For hardcore porn isn't the fake sex in "Brokeback Mountain". Hardcore porn has the guys in front of that camera going all the way. Also, I wanted to use various forms of media to tell those questioning males, "If being gay is what you are, it's OK. You don't have to do porn to show it. But it's OK if being gay is the sexual part of you."

The problem was that the gay porn industry didn't care about sending such a message of depth, then or now. Hence the premise of using "gay-for-pay" porn actors that some porn studios are still throwing around as a marketing ploy. And I once pointed out how that denial of themselves has resulted in repeated cases of "gay-for-pay" porn actors being jailed for violent crimes. Meanwhile, questioning gay males continue to live double lives. Or worst, kill themselves because they fear living the lie, and/or leading that double life shown by "gay-for-pay" porn actors.

Add to that so many porn actors being escorts using the same empty-souled, dead-eyed sex in porn scenes as they do when turning a trick, my question is:

Why are we as a whole still making these guys into our gay superheroes?

The soulless sex porn actors have in front of those cameras is nothing to be admired. What they do today (more so than before) is teach our gay males to be empty to get by. Go to that dead place within like a molested child does to get through the abuse. For that is what a prostitute does everytime they turn a trick. With that being the case, are these porn actors of today what we should make our heroes? No, they are not. Yet gay media is quick to post stories praising them, and gay nightlife makes them a draw for their events. Well, the time of porn actors being the heroes of sexual freedom that we need has passed. And that is a reality an older viewer needs to face, and males in what I call "orientation limbo" need to note in order to avoid the confusion while they figure themselves out.

While my porn career consisting of 8 movies, 10 scenes, and 14 scene partners had me having some degree of attraction to most of my scene partners, they were a few where I had to fake my way through the scene. For the guy came off stoned, woman-hating, or a walking negative stereotype. So those few times taught me what a prostitute goes through with practically every trick they turn. Therefore, I'm well aware of how ugly those scenes of mine are.

With that being the case, I have now started taking the stand that I will not go to a bar/club event that promotes a porn actor as their guest or party host. The only time I might reconsider this position is for a charity event. Other than that, they are nothing I want to see. For knowing of their empty sex as escorts off-camera makes the fullness of their on-camera sex questionable. Thereby decimating the beauty of sex a voyeur should take in the sight of, and making them nothing I care to see live.

Since this avoidance to create genuine chemistry is what the gay porn industry has sadly become, I close by asking you again:

Why are gay porn actors STILL treated like our gay superheroes?

Sex Is..., Not...

At Titillating Tongues last Friday night, while I titillated the crowd with the sexy lyrics of "Be My Pillow", I led in with the preceding more serious poem. For I felt someone needed to address how the gift of sex should be treated, but by too many actions and so-called occupations (some based on communities & cultures), the gift of sex is actually mistreated. This in turn leads to unhealthy expectations in our sexual relationships, regardless of whether or not those sexual relationships are casual or long-term.

With that said, it should be no surprise based on my recent events and writings that I consider gay media's green-lighting of male prostitution and the low self-esteem shown in porn scenes as major influences as to why this issue needed to be addressed. And as you can see, I even point to the excessive domination and submission in the leather scene (shown by my participation in the movie, "B.L.A.K. (Bruthas Live And Kinky)") and being flogged (which I was at last year's Folsom Street East) to be examples of this problem. Showing myself participating in these things makes it clear that I have not been a saint in contributing to this problem. Even though I had misgivings about such sexual behaviors before those experiments. So I am hoping that this poem brings me a step closer to redemption in this matter.

No Rentboy & Some Body Rain

Unlike in the straight community, in the gay male community, male prostitutes, or the sugar-coated word for them, “escorts” are put up on a phony pedestal so their usually old gay johns can stroke the their egos. And I’m sure you can understand, that by stroking a hooker’s ego, it is a lot easier to have them at your beck and call. Especially when it’s a male hooker’s ego. It’s now to the point that besides ads in the back of gay nightlife magazines, for these guys, there’s the party, HustlaBall, and now The Hookie Awards. Both highly publicized in gay media, which makes the gay community seem extremely dysfunctional. So I hope me showing that I’m against this behavior shows that we all are not so fucked up in the head.

Most gay porn actors today are more prostitutes, and less exhibitionists, while with my gay porn past, I was and still am an exhibitionist, never a prostitute. But I do admit to some rare prostituting moments in front of the camera, and I was very briefly involved with a prostitute. So I know what I’m talking about in using this poem to tell how these guys are by no means dateable, even when they try to date a fellow escort.

Of course my many gay readers know that one of the many synonyms for male prostitutes is “rentboy”. Which is why the title of the poem was “No Joy With A Rentboy”.

This was not an easy poem to write, or present publicly as I did in the above video. For I do know some guys who escort, and it pains me to know that by living this life, they are greatly lessening their chance to find that special someone many of them hope to find. Even lesser chance than me because of with my sexual openness. For I may be sexually open and liberated, but it's a big difference when you make your sex for sale. Also, with Titillating Tongues being an event open to all orientations, I'm sure some may feel that what I said in my intro of "No Joy With A Rentboy" made the gay community look bad to the straight people in the room. But the fact is I didn't start the putting of male prostitutes on a pedestal. Gay media (some of whom are probably their clients) did. And its followers followed. All I did in my intro was expose that fact.

The 2nd poem entitled, "Body Rain" is a term you may have seen me use before within a poem. It's a term I used to describe sweat from sex/lovemaking. However, this is the 1st time I've written something focusing solely on that subject. For my reading that night, I felt it was a good contrast in my personality. Showing that if I need to address a matter I will, but I also have a romantic side that can find the most simple things in nature sexy.

With that said, I hope you enjoyed the poems. Also, if you're in NYC on the 3rd Friday of the month, that you will come see me at the next Titillating Tongues should I announce presenting material there.

Seeking The Silver In The TIM Dim Cloud

At the end of February, I was attempting to make a brief return to porn. The studio was Treasure Island Media where in one email  to describe the shoot said they were "treating it like a paid audition" with a group of 5 or 6 guys who were all versatile and ready, willing and able to flip-fuck - and it was a total bust. I can't speak for the others, but for me, I could not perform with someone's body odor reeking in the room. Especially when we were instructed to wear deodorant. As far as I knew, this was not supposed to be a bear shoot where stench is looked upon as a badge of honor. Yet instead of the director telling the person with the body odor to either "hit the showers, or hit the road", we all had to try to endure that stench, which intensified as the heat in a hotel room rose because of NO AIR CONDITIONING.

This is why if I make an official return to porn, I'm sticking to my rule of knowing my scene partner beforehand, because I let that rule slide once since making it, and look what happens! Had I known this guy would be there I would have probably bailed on the idea of working with him, because I've worked with that guy before at a live appearance, and seen him at parties, and body odor was something I experienced EVERYTIME while being near him. I would go into greater detail about this, but that's not the main idea of this post. That was the bad part of the backstory that I thought would lead to the good part of that day.

The good that I thought came of it was when me and one of the other guys on the set,  Aandré hit it off - from the moment we saw each other. As soon as he saw me, he started making out with me, and I wasn't going to complain, because I felt the magnetism as well.

Being the shy guy that I am, before the attempt at shooting began, we were exchanging glances, and once the shooting began, we were not only the 1st to fuck, but the 1st to flip-fuck. However, as I mentioned before, the smelly guy's body odor was killing my hard-on. Once the director ended the shoot, Aandré invited me back to his place to pick up where we left off on the set.

We did pick up where we left off. That night, the sex was HOT AS FUCK. But we didn't get to the sex right away that night. We talked - alot, and this became our way everyday that week. We grew so close, so fast that I wound up living there for practically a whole week. This led me to feel that this was the silver lining in the dark cloud that was the Treasure Island shoot.

In those talks, he revealed to me that he was an escort, and has been for some time. He also revealed that he didn't want to do it much more if he was to be with me, and I was open to trying a relationship, be it monogamous or open. I must admit to having more misgivngs about dating an escort than I would a porn actor. It's because as I've stated repeatedly about the difference between the 2 sex occupations. Porn actors are supposed to have an attraction to their scene partners, while escorts don't have to, which actually makes it that much more of a mental strain on them. This furthers their need to be detached, which is unhealthy for the mind and body. Now for an entire week and a half, Aandré made it clear he wanted to be attached to me instead. So much so that he didn't even want to see any of my movie scenes, and I was willing to be with him while he continued escorting.

What happened in that week and a half?
Aandré had a call with a client. The moment that happened Aandré's upbeat mood did a complete 180 degree change, with all desires for his future that he conveyed to me dying in that moment, and yet to be resurrected. So in short, me and Aandré only lasted 10 days. An intense 10 days, but only 10 days nonetheless. 10 days that made me feel that the dark cloud that was the Treasure Island shoot broke the rule of how "every dark cloud has a silver lining". For this cloud now seemed to have none.

You would think this would make me heartbroken, but the truth is I'm more disappointed. And above all disgusted by his presence for wasting my time. For while I try to look at every one as an individual, between my failed hook-up with Jason White and now a failed romance with Aandré, I'm starting to re-think looking at escorts as individuals, and say that they are all cut from the same cloth - the dirty cloth of empty emotions.

That cloth I speak of is that of how there is something in an escort's life that they are not dealing with - an emotional wall that they refuse (and in some cases, are too cowardly) to take down. The misfortune is when they bring this mindset into a relationship, platonic or romantic. They're emotionally detached people who can only appear to thrive when they are amongst others who also live a life of detaching themselves. All other people are kept at a distance, and anyone in the mental health field will tell you, this is a self-destructive life.

To explain to me one of the reasons he escorts, Aandré once said, "It allows me to treat people like shit, because I can't treat you like shit."

I'm not being sarcastic in saying this, but I would hope that a good psychiatrist would ask him the same question I was too shocked to ask him at the time in response to that statement. That question being----What in your life (namely your past) would make you purposely take a job that makes you treat people like shit?

Therefore, while André said to me that he's not boyfriend material because of his escorting, I'm realizing NO ESCORT IS BOYFRIEND MATERIAL. For to knowingly take a job that makes you treat people like shit, because the johns treat you like shit makes you treat others like shit that you claim to love and/or care for. So you make yourself part of an ugly cycle of disrespectful behavior. The sad thing about Aandré is that he's been escorting for almost 20 years. I say this to point out, he's not getting any younger, so when is he going to take himself out of that ugly cycle and make himself not only boyfriend material - but emotionally attainable. He needs to man-up and deal with his issues of his past. And my loyal readers know that I practice what I preach by saying this, just as I documented on this blog my overcoming my racism towards other Black men, among other things.

In response to Aandré saying that he's not "boyfriend material". I told him that just the fact that he can say that shows that he has the potential to change it, but he's just too lazy to do the work on himself to make that needed change happen. And because he won't make that change, Aandré, other escorts, and the many who live such detached lives as well are all destined for loneliness that includes drug use (prescription and/or illegal) to escape the pain of that loneliness.

At this point, I have a life worth living to proceed with, and I don't, can't and won't care beyond writing this post to show my concern. Any other action holds me back to progressing just like Aandré is doing to himself right now by being in this escorting "game", especially at his age. So Aandré's 180 degree turn has now justifiably sparked my 180 turn in my empathy.

I was hoping that maybe I could take Aandré along on my journey of growing with me, but he is now just another existence who let me down. Because of his emotional instability, he's another Danny. Luckily, while Danny took years for me to realize I was wasting my time, I used that as a lesson. Hence why with Aandré, it was less than 2 weeks.

So as you can see, nothing good came of that day. Lousy protocol for a porn shoot, and I left with a lousy excuse for a man.

Or did some good come of it after all?

Maybe, just maybe some guy escorting will stop being in denial and realize that they are living the life of detachment by reading this post they'll see the sadness that is Aandré mirrored in their own life. Maybe this post will make them realize how contemptuous they are making their existence to be to where no one of value will want them, and they will man-up, and start the hard work and face the trials to make themselves worthy of someone of value.

If this is the silver lining in this dark cloud, even with the aggravation fate put me through to expose it....I say THANK GOD FOR IT.