Gift For Your Wishlist, Pornstar

If I seem angry over this, it's because like my annoyance with today's go-go boys, I see a massive degree of selfishness and laziness (among other displays of incompetence). When I think about how I obtained whatever I have, such actions confirm the stigma of how your typical male porn actor is far from a man. He is instead DISPOSABLE for being a LEECH.

All of my adult life, when I wanted something, I worked for it, saved for it, and once I got it, I could be proud of myself for the fact that I got it on my own. Not by me putting it on an Amazon.com wishlist and someone lonely old guy desperate for validation. In fact, I've had an Amazon.com account for years, and have never used the wishlist.

Case in point as to how much I've done on my own:

• Anytime during my porn career that I attended parties like The Black Party or HustlaBall, I didn't have a studio, or the agent pimping me out hook me up in exchange. NO. I paid for my ticket with my own hard-earned money.
• The cameras I bought to do many of the self-portraits I did to promote myself. Such as the one that I took the photos with that appear with my interview in the book "Ultimate Starz". Who bought that camera? ME.
• The PC I used to edit those and all photos, write my emails, promotions, apply to studios, etc. Who went to the computer store, bought the motherboard bundle, casing, memory, video cards, and CD/DVD drives to put that PC together? ME.
• And who put that PC together? ME!

So if I'm disgusted by seeing male porn actors not being self-sufficient, I have a right to be. It because they are living up to every negative stigma I have had to fight against then an dnow. So they cause us to fall back. Not move forward. This is why when these porn actors die, you see so much commentary on blogs showing how much no one really cares. For they lived lives that made themselves appear disposable.

And when you live a life of mooching and being a leech, why should we care?

Gay Pornstars,...Our Gay Super Heroes?

Every live appearance I made during my time as porn actor, "Tré Xavier", I never fully understood why patrons were treating me like I was some kind of superhero, or a god. Granted this was between 2005 and 2009, so I partly understood because being gay was still not as accepted in the mainstream as it is today. Therefore, gay porn was a gay male's only outlet. Making gay media hail any guy sexually expressing his homosexuality for all to see to be a "coming out' hero. Even though that was the case, I still always said to myself, "So what if I'm a sexually liberated individual? So what if I'm an exhibitionist? I'm not a god, so I shouldn't be treated as such."

If I said that to myself back then, you know that I'm definitely saying it now. For the porn scene has changed for the worst since 2005. In fact, it is that change that caused me to announce my retirement from the industry in 2009. But the change has gotten so bad now, that not only do I have no understanding at all of why pornstars are held up like heroes of sexual freedom in our community, but I am also straight up disgusted by it.

The reason being that when I was doing studio-based porn, there was a 50% chance that a porn actor was also an escort (or male prostitute). One reason that made me leave the industry was because I felt that percentage was rising. And I was right. It has now risen so much that you can find about 90% of porn actors with profiles on sites like Rentboy, RentMen, HourBoy, etc. or advertising their escorting services on websites for sex hook-ups. And contrary to what some may try to mislead you by telling you, as I recently said in this Facebook update, there is no sexual freedom in prostitution (or the sugar-coated word, escorting):

One reason I started doing porn was because at that time it was the only way a male questioning his orientation could see another male comfortable with his homosexuality. With that in mind, my plan was to be paired with guys showing real attractions, not fake ones. For hardcore porn isn't the fake sex in "Brokeback Mountain". Hardcore porn has the guys in front of that camera going all the way. Also, I wanted to use various forms of media to tell those questioning males, "If being gay is what you are, it's OK. You don't have to do porn to show it. But it's OK if being gay is the sexual part of you."

The problem was that the gay porn industry didn't care about sending such a message of depth, then or now. Hence the premise of using "gay-for-pay" porn actors that some porn studios are still throwing around as a marketing ploy. And I once pointed out how that denial of themselves has resulted in repeated cases of "gay-for-pay" porn actors being jailed for violent crimes. Meanwhile, questioning gay males continue to live double lives. Or worst, kill themselves because they fear living the lie, and/or leading that double life shown by "gay-for-pay" porn actors.

Add to that so many porn actors being escorts using the same empty-souled, dead-eyed sex in porn scenes as they do when turning a trick, my question is:

Why are we as a whole still making these guys into our gay superheroes?

The soulless sex porn actors have in front of those cameras is nothing to be admired. What they do today (more so than before) is teach our gay males to be empty to get by. Go to that dead place within like a molested child does to get through the abuse. For that is what a prostitute does everytime they turn a trick. With that being the case, are these porn actors of today what we should make our heroes? No, they are not. Yet gay media is quick to post stories praising them, and gay nightlife makes them a draw for their events. Well, the time of porn actors being the heroes of sexual freedom that we need has passed. And that is a reality an older viewer needs to face, and males in what I call "orientation limbo" need to note in order to avoid the confusion while they figure themselves out.

While my porn career consisting of 8 movies, 10 scenes, and 14 scene partners had me having some degree of attraction to most of my scene partners, they were a few where I had to fake my way through the scene. For the guy came off stoned, woman-hating, or a walking negative stereotype. So those few times taught me what a prostitute goes through with practically every trick they turn. Therefore, I'm well aware of how ugly those scenes of mine are.

With that being the case, I have now started taking the stand that I will not go to a bar/club event that promotes a porn actor as their guest or party host. The only time I might reconsider this position is for a charity event. Other than that, they are nothing I want to see. For knowing of their empty sex as escorts off-camera makes the fullness of their on-camera sex questionable. Thereby decimating the beauty of sex a voyeur should take in the sight of, and making them nothing I care to see live.

Since this avoidance to create genuine chemistry is what the gay porn industry has sadly become, I close by asking you again:

Why are gay porn actors STILL treated like our gay superheroes?

No Rentboy & Some Body Rain

Unlike in the straight community, in the gay male community, male prostitutes, or the sugar-coated word for them, “escorts” are put up on a phony pedestal so their usually old gay johns can stroke the their egos. And I’m sure you can understand, that by stroking a hooker’s ego, it is a lot easier to have them at your beck and call. Especially when it’s a male hooker’s ego. It’s now to the point that besides ads in the back of gay nightlife magazines, for these guys, there’s the party, HustlaBall, and now The Hookie Awards. Both highly publicized in gay media, which makes the gay community seem extremely dysfunctional. So I hope me showing that I’m against this behavior shows that we all are not so fucked up in the head.

Most gay porn actors today are more prostitutes, and less exhibitionists, while with my gay porn past, I was and still am an exhibitionist, never a prostitute. But I do admit to some rare prostituting moments in front of the camera, and I was very briefly involved with a prostitute. So I know what I’m talking about in using this poem to tell how these guys are by no means dateable, even when they try to date a fellow escort.

Of course my many gay readers know that one of the many synonyms for male prostitutes is “rentboy”. Which is why the title of the poem was “No Joy With A Rentboy”.

This was not an easy poem to write, or present publicly as I did in the above video. For I do know some guys who escort, and it pains me to know that by living this life, they are greatly lessening their chance to find that special someone many of them hope to find. Even lesser chance than me because of with my sexual openness. For I may be sexually open and liberated, but it's a big difference when you make your sex for sale. Also, with Titillating Tongues being an event open to all orientations, I'm sure some may feel that what I said in my intro of "No Joy With A Rentboy" made the gay community look bad to the straight people in the room. But the fact is I didn't start the putting of male prostitutes on a pedestal. Gay media (some of whom are probably their clients) did. And its followers followed. All I did in my intro was expose that fact.

The 2nd poem entitled, "Body Rain" is a term you may have seen me use before within a poem. It's a term I used to describe sweat from sex/lovemaking. However, this is the 1st time I've written something focusing solely on that subject. For my reading that night, I felt it was a good contrast in my personality. Showing that if I need to address a matter I will, but I also have a romantic side that can find the most simple things in nature sexy.

With that said, I hope you enjoyed the poems. Also, if you're in NYC on the 3rd Friday of the month, that you will come see me at the next Titillating Tongues should I announce presenting material there.