Sex, Then Violence Resurrection, Part 2

The last time I was physically violent with someone was in my freshman of high school. And even that was not as severe as what happened last Wednesday night. So it has been about 23 years since I allowed myself to be provoked to retaliate with physical violence. And that physical violence is not "ghetto" behavior as S. Sparling would like to access for his own racist justification. It was a human reaction. Because to whatever capacity our time together showed us to be, whether it was strictly sexual, strictly platonic, or a mix of both, a trust was being established between us that allowed me to feel that a word like "nigger" would never come from his lips directed at me, no matter what differences we had along the way.

My questions to myself are (1)What made me lose it so that I actually slapped him? And (2)who else besides him was I slapping when my hand hit his face?

As a writer, I taught myself to live by the saying "Stick and stones, can break my bones, but names will never hurt me." It was my way of building immunity to my own weapon that you've seen me use so often during the 3 1/2 years of me blogging - words. So what was so different that I reacted this time? It was because I've been called so many things in my life that nothing much can phase me now. BUT I have never, ever been called "nigger" by a White person before. In some White people's actions maybe, but not the actual word emitted from their racist lips. So I've concluded that to be the reason why I lost it so much that I slapped him.

As for who else was I slapping, that's easy to answer. Like I just said, some White people's actions say the word, "nigger", that's who else I was slapping. Such as:
I was slapping every porn studio head whose actions say the word, "nigger" as they overlook medium to dark-complexioned Black models by sticking to their "Whites and light-complexions only" rule or due to the recession are just now treating darker-complexions as marketable, or use them to practice tokenism.
I was also slapping every club and bar owner, and party promoter in New York City that have a mixed patronage, but never hire Black go-go boys and bar staff, and when they do, once again - it's tokenism, because such an actions also say the word, "nigger".
And lastly, I was slapping every Pierre Fitch-like faggoty queen I've encountered who says White skin feels better. Because such a statement also says the word, "nigger".

So in short, when I slapped S. Sparling, he was taking one for the racist team he showed himself to belong to. I wonder does he think it was worth it? Does he realize what he's done? And with that much rage behind that slap, plus all the other garbage I've been put through in those 23 years that I didn't but wanted to react violently to, I also wonder does he have a mark to remind him of that night? If so, I won't say it's a job well-done, but I will say he got what he deserved.

After he finally caught up to me, he seemed to be trying to sneak-attack me. Good luck with that since he was wearing flip-flops. He said he was going to call 9-1-1.

My response, "Feel free." And I kept walking, as he appeared to be telling an operator that I was walking real fast, and trying to get away from him. Partial lie, because I walk fast naturally. But I was trying to get away from him, because that was the reason I walked away so quickly after slapping him. I knew that if I stayed near him, I was going to hit him again, once again at any given second, and it wasn't going to be a slap next time. And with that much rage already unleashed by a slap that he claimed to cause a ringing in his ear, what would happen from the impact of me punching him? MAJOR DAMAGE that I would rather not put into words here. So YES, I did need to get away from him.

He was to some degree aware of this, as he kept trying to bait me into hitting him. He insulted my blog, insulted my being in porn calling it "disgusting", yet he wanted in especially when I told him of my possible deal with FlavaWorks. Once I informed him of how I ended talks on that deal, that's when he started stepping back from me. The problem with these new verbal attacks from him is that they were the verbal attacks that I for years taught myself to be immune to, so he's already said the worst he could say to me, and he paid the price for it with that slap across the face. If I was an unstable someone else, maybe he'd get the suicide beating he seemed to be craving by shooting off at the mouth.

Anyway, it was becoming obvious even before that night of how he was a user. There's an ex-boyfriend of his who is also a fuck-buddy AND is 23 years older than him. Once he told he that his father was physically abusive to him it became apparent that this ex was the product of an ongoing daddy-complex. You see, this ex gets him in free to places, including the sex party where I met him. And I guess, the fuck-buddy deal is payment. So while he tried to insult porn, he's a hypocrite by prostituting. And that's the only reason he goes to these places is because he's getting that free ride. That's also why he agreed to come to DRIP with me, because there was no cover charge, and he came to the Seven Deadly Sins:Pride party, because I was on a comp guestlist. As all these things started coming to light, I had to keep him near to learn was I on the right track in concluding the worst about him. And with that word coming from his lips, I had no idea how ugly he really is inside that is sure to make it's way on the outside, as racism always does.

What was worse was to discover that this guy was a stereotypical White person. And my most loyal readers know how much I loathe stereotypical people of any race or nationality. He accused me of being pretentious, arrogant, and acting like I know-it-all, YET his attempt to lecture me shows him to be all those things. And the reason why is because as a stereotypical White person, he tries to live his life believing he's superior because he's "educated". To squash that delusion of grandeur I have 1 name for you - George W. Bush. He's what would be considered "educated", but if he was so intelligent by way of that education, President Barack Obama would not be stuck having to clean up the mess that George W. Bush made over those 8 years he was in office.

To think back that I allowed a stereotypical White person to eat my ass, I now wish I hadn't douched, took a laxative, and force fed him my shit. Especially since I know he isn't into scat. It would have been a stinky dish he well-deserved to be fed.

This guy's life is riddled with people connected to him out of his negative issues. He also claims to have another ex that is stalking him. I've always been able to see things from all sides of a situation. Even if I don't agree with how they handle it, I at least understand their motivation. According to Sparling, in the case of this ex, this ex often accused him of cheating during (if I remember correctly) the 4-year tenure of their relationship with Sparling claiming he was falsely accused. Well, sad to say, but I may have to believe the ex might have been on to something. You see, Sparling has told me (paraphrasing), "I'm a slut, and I know it, so I can't do relationships."

Well, if Sparling is a slut who by his own admittance can't maintain a monogamous relationship because of his slutiness, is it not safe to surmise that he did actually cheat as his ex accused him of doing. I brought this up to show how according to Sparling, once again, it's the other guy's fault, and in his warped mind, he did nothing wrong to provoke negative behavior.

But while my feeling is S. Sparling's not worth it, kick him to the curb and move on, I very much understand (if this tale is true) the ex's point of view as to why he would obsess. Just as that night I came to the conclusion of how my 1 month of getting to know Steven was wasted, this ex is probably feeling his time was wasted on a more emotional level over the much longer length of time of 48 months = 4 years. Once realizing that, the ex obsessing may not be correct, but it is understandable.

Sparling puts himself in these fixes, and the only ones unaware of that side of him are people who he isn't trying to use. I actually feel sorry that he lives his life that way. Sparling has a life full of illusions of love ahead of him, with the real thing far from his grasp.

While enraged by that word, I still feel pity for him. That odd combination makes me proud that I slapped him, and sorry that confronting his ignorant ways came to that, all at the same time. But as they say, "every dark cloud has a silver lining", and I'm looking at the many silver linings in this cloud, such as for starters, Steven Sparling is dead to me, because just like any other racist, he is not worth existing in my life.

So as I move ever upward, I cheer, EXCELSIOR!!!!

Sex, Then Violence Resurrection, Part 1

I have often told of how a 1st time experience for me is usually an extreme experience for me. Well, this time is no different when after 38 years of age, for the 1st time ever, I experienced a White man directing at me in a derogatory fashion, the word ---- "nigga".

There are a few things that makes this story become worst, hence the aforementioned extremities. Such as the fact that this person was a fuck-buddy who I've written about here lately. The Jackson Heights, Queens resident to be exact. Another thing that makes it worst is that this guy is a schoolteacher, so if it's not scary already, it will be after you learn how this came about, then realize that this person is molding young minds with those young minds calling him, Mr. Sparling. If I wanted to be real bitchy, the UNcropped version of those pics from Folsom Street East might not sit well with the NYC Board of Education.

The way this situation unraveled was after I invited him to the Wednesday night indoor pool party, Drip at the Grace Hotel. We get there, and he's sits there like a lump on a log. Not looking to be the least bit social. He even dogged the event saying that it's nothing but a bunch of people standing around drinking, and that it's not what he expected. My thought is that it's a pool party, what the hell was he expecting. He shouldn't have been expecting it to be like a bathhouse, because I already told him that the party doesn't go that way.

DRIP is somewhere I would seldom go alone. I felt since I had someone with me, cool. Especially someone I wanted to get to know. Maybe I'm a rare breed that likes to get to know his fuck-buddies. Plus, I don't really care to have an entourage when I go out. Since he wasn't having fun, I took the initiative of suggesting other places. To those, he never responded. So after sitting there, and sitting there, and sitting there, I had enough and confronted him by asking, "Did I waste my time inviting you out here?"

He seemed shocked to be asked. And more shocked when he realized I was upset by his anti-social behavior, claiming he was being nice by sticking around. I asked him how is he being nice by sitting there lifeless. When he's called on his shit, NOW, he decides to leave. He tries walking away from me as I'm explaining my feelings on the matter. He tries shutting me up since he didn't want attention drawn to himself for being called on his infantile behavior, and since I talk with my hands, he tries putting them down, and I told him, "Don't touch me!"

We left, and went outside. He started accusing me of throwing a hissy fit like a 12 year-old, YET he's the one putting his hand over his ears and making noises to drown me out. I'm trying to talk out a situation that I have every right to be annoyed over, and I'm being told to "Shut up".

He accused me of treating him like he's my boyfriend, which is not true. I treated him as I treat anybody else when I invite them somewhere that I've been before - I watch over them to make sure they don't get in any bad situations since I already know the good and shady ways of people at that event. Even if that event is a sex party, it may seem unorthodox, but I stick to that credo of looking out for those I invite to come along.

After being told to "shut up", and feeling that his overblown sexual ego made him believe I was doing anything but look out for him, there is no doubt I was most likely going to raise my voice. Because, I am a grown man. And while I've made many mistakes and had many misfortunes in my life, my being dumb enough to be his spouse or unfortunate to be his child do not fall in the categories of my mistakes and misfortunes. Therefore, tolerating being told to "shut up" is not going to happen, so raising one's voice to defend oneself is a very likely response of any self-respecting individual. But to him, my being loud in the middle of the street after being offended by him is a sign of "ghetto" behavior, when the fact of the matter is that anyone of any color could react the way to his behavior of trying to tell an adult to "shut up" by raising their voice in return.

So as we near the corner of 45th Street and 6th Avenue, he says to me, "You know, you're being real ghetto nigger right now".

To show how color made no difference to the tales of my sexual escapades, in recent blog posts (including those about him), I neglected to mention the fact of the guys' race. In this case ---- this guy is White.

Now, I'm sure that makes his words to me take on a whole new meaning. You have seen me use that "n-word" here, and my hope is that for any Black person doing the wrong that provokes my using that word in a derogatory fashion reads it and becomes motivated to get their shit together. For any White person to use it however in 2009, says that you see me as a Black person before seeing me as a person PERIOD. Clearly, he even during our trysts, he saw my color, before he saw ME. That thought only added to my rage.

When he first said it, I looked at him, and said, "Excuse me?"

He then repeated it, and started lecturing me about my behavior.

My good and bad side were in debate at this point.

The angel on my left should saying with it's Pollyanna-tone, "Turn the other cheek".

While the devil on the right said, "Let's see, do we smack him, or punch the shit out of him?"

First, the devil took his pitchfork, poked the angel off of my left shoulder, and said, "Beat it, bitch!".

Now with the angel gone, there was no conflict between my good and evil sides. I was now all evil. Which spells "danger" because my evil side is dangerously conniving.

During his lecture, I made sure I looked him right in the eye while he spoke. Because holding his gaze was going to make whatever way I retaliated a total surprise. Thinking to myself of how he really thinks I'm going to let him get away with saying "nigger" to me without the slightest bit of repercussion. In the words of Bugs Bunny, "He don't know me very well, do he?"

I always knew my temper could get to this point. The point where one's ego is so overblown that they would talk, talk, and talk, and I was going to cut that speech short with one verbal and/or physical blow.

Tonight was that night.

I don't even recall the words he was saying, but to even my own surprise, my hand just flew up and ----

WHACK!!!!!

----right across his face. His already light eyes lit up like beams from the shock. Out of the blindness from rage, I didn't feel it before, but now in hindsight, I remember feeling the contour of his face's bone structure under my hand. In fact as I'm writing this, I am feeling every curve and every gap on the right side of his face in my hand.

I yelled, "THAT'S IT!!! I'M DONE!!!!", then I walked away crossing to the other side of 45th Street, then proceeding to walk down 6th Avenue. After at least a minute later, he then comes running behind me.

What happened next and my further analysis of him is what you'll have to tune in tomorrow for.