Chemicals In Our Night

Waiting On Karma & Father Time

The following poem was written speaking to the Whites who act entitled because gay media has foolishly endorsed them as the epitome of beauty for their white skin. Which in turn has lead to many having an attitude of them wanting to be only with Whites, or the light complexion members of other ethnicities. But for some, for the reason I'll explain in this poem this attitude changes. And the same holds true for Latinos, Asians, Middle Easterners, and Blacks of light complexion who have that same attitude because their light skin is giving them a very temporary pass. So they need to heed this message as well. For this attitude comes with a price. A price delivered by Karma and Father Time. Hence the title of this poem, "Waiting On Karma & Father Time".

Office Chain

My online chats and hook-ups, as well as adventures at sex parties and the backroom at the NYC bar, The Cock, have definitely given me a great deal of insight in people's psyche. And one sad fact I have repeatedly found was guys saying that they don't get out much because they're always working. This explains the sexual aggression I see that is based in desperation.

Well, people need to prioritize, and make a decision. Are you going to have a life worth living, opening yourselves up to finding someone truly worthy of saying you're committed to? OR are you going to let your job wear you down, and settle for someone who simply tolerate because they're either getting just as worn down, or mooching off of the finances from you being worn down?

Make a decision, because the clock is ticking, and so is your heart...But for how long?

Who Am I To You?

You know that moment when you feel one (or more) of your friends has one foot in the grave, and another on a banana peel. For them not being there for you like you have repeatedly been a listening ear and offered to be there for them for their events, through their illnesses, and/or addiction(s). Well, those are the people this poem is addressed to. So it is not just one person in particular. In fact, you could be reading this right now. So I've been pushed to that point where I needed to ask...

...WHO AM I TO YOU?

If you feel that you have been pushed to that point, feel free to share the video, or share/download the audio I uploaded to my Soundcloud account, and pass it along to the guilty party.

For whether you use your own words or mine, this problem in your life won't become a fixed problem until you take a step to address it.

PROOF I Don't Owe You A Feel Or Fuck

To close out my weekend, I went to the ManMeat (formerly known as Milk Chocolate NYC) after-hours sex party. It seemed that the Black guys there were wondering why I wouldn't play with them. Well, I already had reasons that pushed me to write "Black Guys, I Don't Owe You A Feel OR A Fuck!". And unfortunately, there were other "fine" specimens who were stupid enough to find my lack of interest hard to believe by confirming what I wrote with actions that cemented my views.

1)When you check your clothes, check your fuckin' hat, too! So many Black guys follow this that they all look the same in that dim light. And you can easily tell that it's a "Black thing". For if you take all of these ethnicities there, and how many of them are wearing caps, the percentage of Black guys is the highest by a very large margin. This may be a personal peeve for me. For I'm a common sense person, and I know that small as a cap may be, it can limit how much you can do with a playmate without having to worry about it falling off, getting in the way. But why are they wearing it in the first place? Some do it just because. But with so many in one ethnic group doing it, you can't help to surmise that it's a cultural thing. My feeling is why wear a symbol of a culture that's going to get in the way of your fun. Like I said, I'm a common sense guy, so I know I'm Black, the place is dimly lit, I'm not the only Black guy in the room, and that a cap takes away from your individual body outline. Therefore, if I go walking around with my hat on as a Black culture symbol, and others do the same, I can't easily be told apart from anyone else. And I pride myself on my individuality.

2)One Black guy was wearing not one, but TWO pairs of underwear. Yes, you read correct. TWO PAIRS OF UNDERWEAR SIMULTANEOUSLY. One of them sagging. Are you fuckin' shitting me? Call me "cocky" all you want. But do you really think I'm going to give my body to some stupid ghetto trash nigger who even at a sex party can't give the ghetto trash nigger concept of "sagging" a break?! And he looks at me weird when I back away from him, or move his hand. This made me so close to screaming, "Mother fucka, you look like you just stepped out another cheap ass ethnic porn video! Which makes you ghetto trash, which makes me too good for you! Stop following that stupidity, then maybe your chocolate stick can meet and fill my chocolate hole. For your individuality brings you further up to my level. But right now, your heart, your mind, your soul, and your dick are all too small. Thank you!"

3)It's been awhile since I bottomed. So I was so glad to finally come across someone who wanted to top me, and lay some pipe in my ass. It just happened to be a fit White guy. Maybe it was my hunger for cock in my hole, but as far as I'm concerned, he gave me the fuck of my life. And he could have gave it to me for hours. And this was just a quick Round One.
After that Round One however, there was this one muscular Black guy with dreadlocks who is known for having a big dick who wanted a go after the White guy. I never even saw his dick. I only knew it was him by the reaction of other guys he topped prior, and his joyful "Yeah"'s for hurting a bottom upon entry. Not asking my permission. He just went gunning for me as if it's my job to stay with my back arched and comply. For that reason alone, he was a TOTAL TURN-OFF to me. And don't think your big dick intimidates me. The fact that I've been double-penetrated should be proof of how it doesn't. But his ego...DISGUSTS ME!
He epitomizes EVERYTHING I hate about the images of Black guys put out in gay porn. From his no-ass having gym-body to his overcompensating ego and sense of entitlement because of this big dick. So much so, that he had the fuck-faced audacity to act like I'm the one with an attitude problem when I moved away from him. Well, he needs to cash this reality check, and if you know him (or someone like him), pass these words on to him:

You having a big dick, doesn't mean that every one who bottoms is to be at your beck and call. For not every one is dumb enough to be a size queen. So in addition to having a big dick, thinking we should be at your beck and call makes you A big dick. Thank you!

After instances such as these, you can't possibly think that what I said in "Black Guys, I Don't Owe You A Feel, OR A Fuck!" was me exaggerating. Unless, you are low enough in self-esteem to comply to them, Black guy doing this behavior, or a nigger shit bitch non-Black who imitates it. So let me close with reminding those of my brothers who happen to be Black like me that we as a whole need to better present ourselves in the gay community, and society overall. And that includes at a sex party. Because this behavior is not cutting it.

Hustlaball For Hustla's Fall

I will admit that there was a time I had enough issues with Hustlaball because of its racist performance roster that I had my own personal boycott of the event. Now while that racism is somewhat fading, some will try to say that I'm never satisfied. For I still have an issue with hearing that event's name. In fact, I think I always have. I just repressed my loathing.

You see, while I was in the porn industry, I tried to not be judgemental of escorts. Even though I was fully aware in my mind that their existence in the industry was lessening the beauty of the sex we see in porn movies. Once I decided to say the truth not only in my head, but also aloud, that's when I decided to leave the porn industry, and become publicly vocal about the ugliness of prostitution, or its sugar-coated word, "escorting".

This of course has led the naive that still surround themselves with these people to feel that I have (as someone once said to me) "been on a high horse" since my leaving the industry. Well, if I'm on a high horse for deciding to not surround myself with a bunch of people who are doomed for dead-end lives by dedicating themselves to having dead-eyed sex,...then I will make sure that since you're so low down that my high horse dumps its shit on you. As my way of saying goodbye before I ride off to a destiny worthy of my intellect.

So this post is calling out myself. Not for hypocrisy. But on my long-overdue maturity. How my eyes have been opened as to how Hustlaball still should be boycotted. If not for racism, as I'm sure it still perpetuates the "Black guys as overly aggressive tops" belief, then simply for its praise of prostitution. For it still teaches our young gay males that drugs, alcohol, and prostitution are the way to acceptance by your fellow gay male. Leaving out the truth of how many old guys are not trapped in that world, which I'm sure very well contributed to the drug addictions, depression, then suicides that have killed some porn actors in the past, present, and future.

Anyone in the business that tries to tell you my claim is false is doing what many in that world do ---live in denial. For while I was in the industry, I've seen many performers do drugs before and/or after a show. Plus, the event is called "Hustlaball" for a reason. It's a gathering of hustlers a.k.a. prostitutes a.k.a. hookers a.k.a. whores. Which is why my most loyal readers may recall how I once got propositioned at Hustlaball by a patron,...while I was a patron myself.

Now, if you want to go to this event, that's on you. This post is just letting you know the self-destructive escapist world you are contributing your money to. If you can live with that, have at it.

Why Gay Males Have Anal Sex

The title might seem like it has a simple answer. However, this is me we are talking about here. So you know that I can see that there are a few more factors as to why gay men have anal sex beyond answering such a question with the obvious question....

What Other Hole Is There?

This is the perceived simple question-answering-a-question that I am speaking of. As gay males, besides the mouth, we have no other orifice for a male to put his dick. But there may be more to it than just that, which I'll explain later.

Sex As A Weapon

Let’s get this sad, but very real fact out of the way.

Since the dawn of mankind, anal sex has also been used as a weapon by heterosexual males to belittle, humiliate, shame, and avenge. Unfortunately, whether based on cultural or personal history, this practice of anal sex as a weapon has followed some gay males into their sex lives today.

We see it all too often in porn scenarios where Black tops have this aggression towards White bottoms that can easily be surmised as them using sex to avenge their enslaved forefathers, as seen in Chi Chi LaRue’s “Blackballed” series. Or websites like ThugHunter where in the 21^st century a White guy uses anal sex to humiliate Blacks like they did during slavery. Or sites like FraternityX, Men.com, HazeHim, ItsGonnaHurt (and the list goes on) where anal sex is used as a weapon against their partners or themselves.

What makes this so sad is that such scenarios are imitated by the many of us who initially used gay porn as their gay sex guide book. So it is not until they grow up into real men therefore have an individual mindset will these gay porn connoisseurs truly appreciate the beauty of anal sex.

Admiration & Rewards

If you’ve ever had or witnessed straight sex in real life or in a porn scene, then you know males will put their cock in any orifice on their sex partner that they have admiration for, and that their partner will allow. Hence why straight guys besides having vaginal, (and like us) oral and anal sex, some also titty fuck their women. So gay men having anal sex is more than about there being no other hole on a male. It’s also about admiration of the beauty of the male ass. Followed by rewarding the bottom for how good he feels inside, and the top rewarding himself for finding such a great feeling bottom.

So anal sex is just like anything else. When done for the right reasons, anal sex is a beautiful thing. To watch. To feel. To hear. And even to taste. So be of a safe and sound mind, and make your beautiful anal sex adventures.

HIV, STDs & The Power of CHOICE

Earlier this month, I made up this collage and posted it on this blog and on Facebook. I knew being as brief as it was that it might require some explanation. Because truth be told, as much as many of us try to put forth the facade that we don't need things explained to us, reactions prove otherwise.

Such as the exchange between me and a Facebook friend via the comments when I posted the photo there. While I understand where he is coming from with a great deal of what he said. As I said in my reply, my offense to his reaction was that he harped on my using the word "CHOICE". I highlighted the word "CHOICE" out of respect for us all being adults in this situation. So I felt acting like I was wrong for saying "CHOICE" was him greenlighting more of the patronizing safe-sex messages that have been drilled into our heads thus far.

Let me start explaining why I made this collage by saying that I am not pro-barebacking. Nor am I trying to be the condom police intruding upon your bedroom. One reason I made this collage was because I am pro-choice on condom use, and I feel encouraging both of those other extremes is quite dangerous, and I for one am so sick and tired of seeing us adults treated like children over this matter. And the reason adults are treated like children is mainly because of America's attitude towards 1)addressing sexuality with their children, and 2) respecting as adults we have the power of choice. So this leaves the media to try doing the job parents should have started since the children were late pre-teens and continued from there.

I want the media to respect us, the target audience. But in order to show that respect, whether parents did their part of not, certain aspects of sex must be taken into account by the media if these messages to combat contracting HIV and other STDs are to have the desired effect of decreased transmissions.
TAKE NOTE of how the nature of sex is to be in the heat of the moment.
TAKE NOTE how as adults we have inner voices that gives us the power of choice.
TAKE NOTE that  the nature of sex is that there should not be a barrier between you and your partner. Therefore, sex with a condom is unnatural. However, because of the times we live in with various STDs that we may need to go against nature. Therefore,...
TAKE NOTE that which based on the aforementioned nature of sex (being in the heat of the moment) going against nature is not always so easy to do. And also
TAKE NOTE that we live in a time where more and more people (young and old) are using sex to fill emotional voids made by physically and emotionally unavailable parents and significant others, mainly due to putting career before family.

If all these things are taken into account, we can try to come forth with a more effective, and less condescending message. I say "try" because the sexual repression of our society has done its damage to both, our youth and our adults. On a subject like sex, no matter how well-intended these safe-sex messages are, you can't treat an adult like a child and expect him/her to respond without rebellion. Instead, they are going to listen to nature, which is sex void of that barrier called a "condom", even though they're aware of the fact that it includes risks. So all you can appeal to now is their adult power of choice.

Hence why in that Facebook commentary, when the matter was brought up about when making a choice that you are also choosing the consequences, part of my response was to ask him as I now ask you, ...Do you REALLY think we don't know about the consequences of our actions? This is what I mean in us adults being treated like children in regards to the matter of condom use and STD transmissions. We are well aware of the consequences, but we are talking about SEX - an act that has a nature of being done in the heat of the moment. This is why if someone falters in their condom use, you have little to no right to play judge, jury, and executioner. Doing so tells me that you pointing and shaking that "Shame on you" finger at someone is your way of making yourself seem sexually superior (which you're not), since you're trying to distract others from seeing how many times you've made that same mistake, or different ones in judgement.

This may seem like I'm not getting off topic, but I'm not. I'm just taking a moment to elaborate on how in saying "different mistakes", I am referring to another reason I made this collage. It was to counter the infantile and hypocritical antics of some anti-barebacking porn directors. Such as loud-mouths like Chi Chi LaRue with his "Shut Your Hole" PSA, and Michael Lucas with his alleged rules towards performers who have done bareback porn. Before buying into their crap, be aware of their different (and still repeating) mistakes in judgement of making a fetish of Black males, and encouraging life on the down low with their swift hiring of "gay-for-pay" bitches in denial porn performers. The hypocrisy of these and other porn directors should be found astounding, but after my experience in the industry it's not surprising at all. For I have long said that we most of us were told about condom use before most of us even  faced the reality of our being some degree of gay. So blaming porn producers like Treasure Island or Dark Alley Media is scapegoating. I will give credit where credit is due, and say that at least most these barebacking companies don't use "gay-for-pay" bitches in denial. Unlike Corbin Fisher, Sean Cody, and Bel Ami who have started to use barebacking as a way to compete in the game, but try to lessen the heat of scrutiny with claims of mandatory testing prior to shooting, which is not 100% fool-proof. Now, Chi Chi LaRue, Michael Lucas, and the like may use condoms, but they're guilty of the same scapegoating.


And though I don't owe you this, I'm only confessing this to further prove that I practice what I preach, and have been doing so for quite some time now.
In early 2003, within my first year after coming out, I contracted a STD. I sat in Chelsea clinic unlike I am now, uneducated about HIV and other STDs, but fearing HIV mainly, even though I used a condom with the person I got that STD from. But while waiting for the diagnosis and possible treatment, I told myself, "Whatever happens LeNair, you made a CHOICE to suck that guy's dick. You made a CHOICE to let him suck on yours. And since it takes 2 to tango, he made a CHOICE to let you suck his dick. And he made a CHOICE to put his mouth on yours." So on that day, I taught myself to own the consequences of my actions, and how the foundation of much of what happens to us is CHOICE.
And FYI - the STD turned out being syphilis.


All this said, the bottom line message of that collage is as I said in my Facebook comment:
I made this picture to combat the patronizing rhetoric and say, "I respect you have the intellect to know what to do, BUT it is up to you to do it. And if you don't, then that's on you and whoever CONSENTS to being with you.
If you go bareback and get HIV or some other STD, that's your fault. OWN IT! Even if you asked their status, they say they're disease-free, so you go bareback, and get something, that's your fault as well. OWN IT!"

Like I said before, it's all about us being adults, and treated as such. Acknowledge that, then maybe we can create a message to slow transmissions down.

Run From The Fun

The stigma of there being massive drug use in the gay community was once believed to be due to gays needing to escape from the shame brought on by society for them being gay. After all, drug and alcohol abuse are known tools of escapism, so it makes sense.

Well, in the last couple of years, a lot has changed. Gays are more accepted in society and the mainstream media. In the United States, not that I care so much, but our own recent Election Day saw gay marriage become legal in 4 more states. Also, celebrities who rightfully kept the public guessing their sexual orientation have now revealed their homo- or bisexuality. So with such progress in acceptance, and less need for shame, why is drug and alcohol abuse still so rampant, maybe even growing in the LGBT community?

My suspicions that it's actually growing arose from my noticing how it's gotten bad to the point that drug addiction and alcoholism it is now playing part in gay porn videos thanks to sites like Fraternity X. Sure, some of you might look at the animated gifs and  say, "Oh, it's just weed." But maybe you need to look further.

For add to that the fact of how some of their video descriptions specifically talk of how the guy in the scene was "partying", which we all know means drug use. Even if we don't see it, the mention of that word "partying" says to us crystal meth, cocaine, or some other drug besides marijuana is being used heavily to motivate the sex play. Now if drug use hasn't grown in the community, then porn scenes like ones from sites like Fraternity X are only solidifying the stigma that I've seen firsthand to be true --- of how many porn actors really are drug abusers and alcoholics.

In any case, for some gays, whether it's marijuana, crystal meth, cocaine, extacy, k, heroine, some other drug, some kind of alcoholic drink, or even poppers, one or more of these are not just an occasional sex play "helper". Instead, they're a requirement for their every sex play, which lessens their worth to me. And don't hate me for saying it. Because if you thought more of yourself, and the quality of the sex you were having, you wouldn't be doing any it trying to call it an "enhancer".

After this and my documented encounters with drug abusers and alcoholics, this all made me more so than ever put my foot down as to what I will and will not tolerate from a sex partner, or life partner in regards to drug and alcohol abuse. So now that you know the backstory, please take heed of:

Since so few people seem to have such rules in play for themselves, that makes this poem very necessary. So for the sake of the LGBT community erasing that stigma of us all being drug abusers and alcoholics ashamed of ourselves and our sex play, please pass this poem around, so the words can inspire more and more of us to live by its message. Thank you.

Dope Dick

Just about every gay male and straight female who has spent time with an alcoholic and/or drug user knows of what I'm about to tell you. With alcoholics, it's called "whiskey dick". With cocaine users, it's called "coke dick". With other drugs, I don't know what it's called. But since all of it takes an idiot to repeatedly put themselves in these situations where alcohol/drug prohibits the guy from being able to "perform" sexually, I have simplified it all with the term "dope dick".

The term "dope dick" is already in use in the Urban Dictionary. However, I think my reasoning behind defining it as such is better than any meanings they have listed.

For instance, my most loyal readers may recall my blog post from September 2007 The Cock-Adieu-I Do and Coke-I-Don't. Well besides that patience trying incident with a drug user, there was another that I never spoke of.

One night out, I met a guy who was kind of husky, but I still found myself attracted to him. This was odd because husky guys who can be healthy are not at all my ideal body type in a sex partner. It was probably for this reason that when he invited me back to his place, I went along. For as a single man, I like being taken out of my routine type every once in awhile. Just present yourself with the heart to inspire it. Also keep in mind that this was before I became as versatile as I am now, so I was still more of a bottom. Anyway, we get back to his place, start fooling around, and when it comes time for him to get hard, after all my fondling, and sucking on his dick ---no reaction. At this point he confess, "I did a little coke earlier. I'm sorry."

But wait! IT GETS BETTER!

This was after 3 a.m., and then he tells me, "I don't feel comfortable having strangers staying in my bed. Sorry, I know I'm being a dick", which means not only am I not getting the dick that I came back there for because his drug addicted ass can't get it up. But to top it all off, he was enough of a fuck-faced faggot to send me home after 3 a.m. from as far as he knows, an unfamiliar spot!

This warranted my response to his self-proclaiming of him being a dick with me saying, "Well, at least you know that much about yourself." So after I left his apartment with his repeat apologies that was about to get me to bloody up his apartment with his own busted skull, I made my way home. Luckily, I knew the area enough to know where to go.

I must confess that I am no stranger to being the dope who gets "dope dick". So my right to damn the stupidity of getting dope dick comes from my being on both sides of the situation. I met this cute French guy who was here on vacation. We were fooling around in a group in a bar bathroom, but as things progressed, I could see that we took a greater liking to each other. All that time, my dick was doing a see-saw of hard and soft. It was like my brain was trying to decide that although I wasn't drunk, whether or not to let the alcohol take hold of my cock's ability to get hard. Afterwards, we discovered that we had to go home not only on the same train, but get off at the same stop. So we rode the train together. After we got off, he invited back to where he was staying. I loved seeing his naked body, but the see-sawing of my dick continued.

We got to the point of where he positioned himself to bottom for me. I looked at his ass, while stroking my dick, and I got hard. But the moment I paused to put a condom on, the see-sawing of my dick had it go down. I did have one try where I was able to get inside him for a good 30 seconds. And though he seemed to love it, it wasn't enough time to stimulate me to stay hard. So the attempts at putting on the condom kept happening to me about 2 or 3 more times to where all we were left with was jerking off.

It is for reasons such as this that make guys go bareback when they shouldn't. Because if I could have avoided that condom, or been dishonest enough to pretend to wear it and fuck him raw, my dick would have been in his little French bubble butt while turning him in all directions to do the Gay Kama Sutra.

What made me think I had a shot was because when I drink, my alcohol drink of choice is seldom the only drink all night. I go back and forth between alcohol drink, then water or soda, alcohol drink, then water or soda, and I repeat that switch all night. And even though I only did it like 3 times, I probably didn't have enough in my stomach for that to work in its usual capacity. Hence the see-sawing of my erections all night.

I'm not a constant drinker. I am not an alcoholic by any means. So this was the night I discovered that I was susceptible to whiskey dick. Had I known before what I know now, I would have never went home with that French guy, because I would have known that I couldn't perform. So why waste both of ours time? What I fault those other guys for is the fact that by their reactions to the cocaine's effect on them, they've done this before. So it's quite likely that they've disappointed others as well.

Like I said before,I'm no stranger to being the dope who gets "dope dick". So from this incident with me as "the dope", my right to damn the imbecility of it comes from my being on both sides of the situation, AND unlike most, owning it.

So with all that in mind, I’d like to close not with a poem to sum up all I have said here, appropriately titled,

True Pride

June is Gay Pride Month!

But as June comes to a close, what did having "Gay Pride" mean for you? Was it about being proud of the fact that you are true to yourself, in spite of the nasty shame-on-you finger you were brought up with? Or was it about party-hopping to overpriced events, and spending all of your money on booze and drugs to hide the shame you haven't been adult enough to shake off from that shame-on-you finger?

Just about every gay media outlet we know of off the top of our heads, and learn of when we first come out--- incites our pride to be the latter. You have to search long and hard to find a gay media outlet inciting the 1st meaning of gay pride that I mentioned. Hence why I took this blog in the direction I have taken it. For I want to lessen that search for you.

I have been told by too many gays that I come off as angry in my postings. If I was the type of person to give a fuck about what others think, and not willing to bet my life on how right I am for what I stand for, I might take heed of their complaint. However, each time I heard someone say to me, "You come off angry", in reply I told myself, "Look at the source. Ignore them!".

For the one thing I came to notice of EVERY gay who has said, "You come off angry" is that---they use drugs and/or drink heavily.

The people who have called me "angry" travel with the lots that I've seen at national and internationally covered events like the Black Party and the Pier Dance, or local bar/club parties doing drugs by damn near breaking down bathroom doors, going in a corner, or because it's a big crowd, right there on the dancefloor. These events national magazines like Out and Instinct, and local magazines like Next, Odyssey, and Get Out! act like are the must-go-to parties for not just Gay Pride, but to be weekly outings that tell what it means to be "gay". Well, with such self-destructive behavior (including excessive drinking) being the norm for these events and racism in our everyday lives (all of which isn't a gay or happy life at all), is it any wonder why some gays decide to seek some kind of conversion therapy?

So the way I see it, to avoid being called "angry", I should lower myself to their way of life. A way of life where their conscious mind believes ignorance is bliss, while their subconscious knows that they are in misery, so they'd love some company. The problem is I don't find ignorance to be bliss, nor do I care to accompany them in the misery of keeping up the phony brave facades that makes them do drugs and/or be alcoholics in the first place. My brave face is 100% REAL.

Furthermore, how can someone who is supposed to be "sooo angry", never had plastic surgery, or any kind of facial injection, be 41 years old and look as young as I do? No matter how great a gene pool I came from, if I was really that "angry", I would not look like this. But if I follow the lead of those who call me "angry", I would damn sure look like them, which would be my age,...and maybe beyond.

So in my content of being true to myself, with my sober ears, eyes, and mind wide open to the world around me comes this poem about not just having what the gay media calls "pride", but instead having

10 Reasons Why I Am Single

After 10 years on the social scene, sexually active, and out as a predominately gay bisexual, I have never been involved with a guy for more than 1 month. So I decided to take a look at myself and make a list of what I've done to make myself single. These are 10 of the reasons I came up with so far....

Paying (Ends---My "Friend")

Recently, I gave another guy a chance to become involved with me. Well, he got past a month. A week past to be exact. But there were too many issues that my perceptive eye knew would be a problem, yet not only did I gave it a go anyway. I also tried to deny the existence of these issues.

Such as his being so unable to let go of his long gone ex that even after taking me for a picnic in Central Park, he would not consider us dating. Now, while I'm 15 years older than him, his ex is 20 years older. I was well aware that our age difference was pushing it in me being a daddy-figure, but an ex 20 years older is a definite. This became more evident when you take into account that we met as volunteers at a sex party where he would initiate conversations with MOSTLY the older patrons. This plus him not having the best relationship with his father will show any mental health professional worthy of their degree exactly what it showed me...He has sexualized the love he felt void of from his father.

This is just one of the flaws I tried overlooking, and I felt early on that it along with the others that I saw early on would come back to haunt me. And so they have. In fact, my recent blog posts "Socializers & Escape...Um, Artists", "Write That Down #37", and "Blog Rep For Truth...TESTED" are all based on his insensitivity and shenanigans. And please don't try giving him the excuse saying "Well, he's young." Because getting by on that excuse is why so many young Americans grow up to be old Americans not worth a damn.

Now, you are probably asking yourself, if I saw this early on, why would I bother with him for even that long? It's because I see the potential in these people, and how they're so weak in one way or another that they've allowed life to beat them down. In short, they are my former self before my coming to terms with my orientation. Actually, they're even more beat down than I was. So since opposites attract, I guess I'm drawn to filling the void that I know of to some degree all too well.

So to be honest, all signs were there that it was going to fail early on, but I gave it a go anyway. Why would I do this? It's because I was testing myself to see if guys not getting beyond a month with me was really their fault, or was it me being too quick to judgement therefore not accepting their flaws - flaws being a trait that we all have as humans. Now, since I put myself in the line of fire, you may be wondering what right do I have to be angry? I am angry because I'm so often right in my initial assessment in thinking the worst of people (hence why my circle of friends is so small), that I on occasion put myself in the line of fire hoping that for once - FOR ONCE...someone would prove me wrong. Because when it comes to perceiving negativity, I am sick and tired of always being right. Sadly, this was another such case. I just took a little longer than usual to admit it.

Now, some of you may feel that it's cruel of me to post his picture. Well, first of all, his acts of insensitivity were cruel, uncalled for, and I by no means deserved them. And if I ever exhibited the same bad traits to someone, I want someone to put me on blast as a wake-up call for me to get my shit together. But while I know I'm not perfect, the truth is no one has because no one can. Why? It's because just as in my collage "Evil LeNair, Good LeNair", I gave the good. I gave of myself to where they experienced kindness that was the closet thing to heaven on Earth for them.

But now,...the fact that it was never grasped onto for dear life, unappreciated, therefore returned unlike I deserved it to be is why now, they get "the Evil in LeNair". So my dark side just makes me use my artistic talents to vent saying cruel but honest things where I don't care if  he laughs or cries, lives or dies in response to them. My normal human compassion...for him, is now dead.

At this point, there are some desperadoes (more old than young) who I'm sure are near to the point of drowning in their own saliva looking to save this "poor" soul. My advice to you is...Go ahead. Show your desperation after all that you've been told, and all that will be confirmed.

With all that said, the poem that came out of this is one I'm sure many of you could relate to on some level. For it tells how you get involved with someone hoping for the best, but as time goes on, you feel like you're paying for the crimes of the person's ex, and how a point comes where your self-respect makes it a must to say, "ENOUGH!!!!"

Of my many artistic talents, I like to draw, but I haven't done it for quite awhile. My time modeling for Leslie/Lohman has resurrected my desire to draw, and I decided to make this the project where I put my new work on display. So along with the poetry, all of the drawings in the video were mine. It's not my best talent, but if you're going to critique it, do take note that you should base critiquing of my drawing prowess on whether or not these drawings helped to tell the poem's story. Please do not base your critique on 1 particular drawing style. For it will lessen the validity of your critique. Thank you.

Now, moving on to make happier times hopefully meeting REAL men.

Blog Rep For Truth...TESTED

Last week, someone I was involved with for about a month found himself to be in what he alleges was a racist incident at a NYC bar. This person who is White alleges that he went into the bar which he frequents with no problem. He then alleges realizing that his friend who is half-Hispanic was nowhere to be seen. He said that he went outside to find his friend, and his friend was standing outside claiming that the bouncer said that he wouldn't let him in. This is the point when the person I was involved with realized that there was a bouncer at the door. He alleges that he politely asked the bouncer why his friend wasn't allowed in. With no explanation given beyond the words, "He's not allowed in", the person I was involved with took it as a racist incident. With that being the case, he said that he then got in the bouncer's face and said, "Ha!"
This was allegedly countered by the bouncer punching the person I was involved with in the chest. And 2 more punches to the chest after that.

The person I was involved with suggested that I write a post telling of this incident. Now, with racism being a possible motive as to why the half-Hispanic friend was not let into this bar, you would think I would be all over this story. But while I'm telling this much of the story, what is absent is my detail-orientated style of blogging by using names, photographs, and links. With my style of blogging, this story could put me on the map of the blogsphere more than I already am. So why am I refraining from doing this story in such a fashion when I have all the tools? It's because of something I heard Judge Judy once say...

...I LOVE Judge Judy. And I recall in one episode, she told a plaintiff that as a plaintiff, "when you come into court, you must come into court with clean hands."

The problem is that while this bar might have been practicing racism, the person I was involved with is the same person who was the "escape artist drinker" to inspire my recent post, "Socializers & Escape...Um, Artists", and he and his friends had already been drinking elsewhere when they arrived with him admitting to me that he had been a little intoxicated. So along with his getting in that bouncer's face yelling "Ha!", I have firsthand knowledge of his belligerence after drinking. For me and him have had verbal battles over the phone because of him giving me bitchy attitudes for no good reason. And God only knows what situations have transpired in his past because of his belligerence after drinking that he knows he can't honestly tell me he's in the right about. Regardless, there's a history that I know of personally that I can't in good faith support his story.

His bitchy attitudes after drinking always result in him needing to apologize to me after, hence the price of Regret I spoke of in "Socializers & Escape...Um, Artists". Now, one part of my Christian upbringing that I still try to maintain is forgiveness. And God forgives us repeatedly. And I try to do the same. But the fact is am not God. I am a human, and that gives me a limit to what I can and should tolerate. And with that limit, I can't keep putting myself in the scenario to forgive someone when they are repeatedly apologizing for the same crime in such a short span of time. And in this guy's case, it was him repeatedly apologizing for some verbally abusive outburst after some level of drinking.

In any case, because of the drinking he did that night and his drinking with a side order of apologies that he kept serving me, the guy I was involved with did not have the "clean hands" Judge Judy spoke of. Far from it.  His hands wreak of alcohol, and not the good cleaning kind you find in hand sanitizer. Therefore as a writer, representing his side of the story would be me putting my blog's reputation for truth on the line. And the same would hold true for an attorney agreeing to represent him in any court case that could have been conjured up because of that incident.

There is a reason I have never been sued. Especially when I write a post and either email or tweet the person I am speaking of in the post. It's because the truth I present is undeniable. So it should be no surprise that with using the word "alleges" as many times as I did in that 1st paragraph and this guy's history of belligerence after drinking that I would chance this blog's reputation for telling the truth by telling of that incident in any greater detail.

So with my blog's reputation for truth tested....I do believe that I have PASSED with flying colors.

Socializers & Escape...Um, Artists

Look at that! Isn't it beautiful? The beautiful colors of a bar.

The properly placed bottles to show off the gorgeous variety of shapes and colors of the liquors. And in some bars, beautifully colored lighting around those bottles meant to enhance those shapes and colors.

Sad thing is there is a fool born not every minute, but every second that falls prey to those ingredients of appeal.

A couple of weeks ago, a friend had a birthday celebration at his place. We were all drinking, but after the cab ride we took to attempt to go to a bar, I found myself very much wasted the same way I was in "Fucked Up & Fucked So". And like in that blog post, I found my body rejecting the alcohol by constantly vomiting. Considering the fact of how I can actually put away a good number of drinks if I want, but choose not to, this new incident of drunkenness made me ask myself as to why when I get that wasted can my body no longer hold in alcohol, meanwhile others hold in the liquors and end up doing something stupid, like being belligerent to those in their circle of friends and loved ones.

Well, I may have very well figured it out. It's probably because I unlike them am a social drinker, while others are drinking for the reason most people do ---out of escapism.

There are sometimes when I'll go to a bar and won't drink at all. I just simply went there to get out of the house, get the energy of other people around me, and nothing more. If I do drink, I'll have an attitude similar to the one I've had in most of my drug experimentations of "well, since it's there...whatever." Then I'll proceed to ask for one of the most simple drinks or weakest beer. I do this because I'm not drinking for the sake of escapism. And I think my vomiting is for the same reason. It's because since I'm not using alcohol for escapism's sake, my body has no desire to hold on to a strong liquor.

You see, I am no different than anybody else when it comes to having problems. I have aplenty. But unlike aplenty of people, I don't run to alcohol, drugs, and/or even sex as tools for escape. If I do use sex, nowadays it's in the form of masturbation, because I've reached a point of maturity where I don't like to involve others in my form of temporarily getting away. I already know others suffer like I do. But to avoid bad karma, I have no need to show myself living by the credo "misery loves company" by using another person's presence to drink, snort, shoot up, pill-pop, fuck, suck, or lick the pain away. I'd much rather suffer, pray and figure out my way to a brighter tomorrow alone, because whatever doesn't kill you makes you stronger. And having the strength to go it alone without a controlled substance or sexual intercourse as a crutch makes you even stronger.

That previous paragraph may make me seem as if I think I'm some kind of saint. Trust me, if you've read of my sexual exploits, you know that I am far from that. But I have made my mistakes and have learned from them. Such as using sex with someone as a crutch.

Whether your crutch is sex, drugs, and/or alcohol, there's a reason to rethink using these crutches. If more people consider these reasons, they wouldn't use them as much. Or maybe not at all:

1) Blackouts - It's no fun being unable to recall your actions. Because if you don't (or can't) become self-aware of your bad history by saying you lived it, you are doomed to repeat it;

2) Hangovers - that headache after heavy drinking is no fun either. Especially for an Aries like myself. Since the body part that rules an Aries is the head, a headache to us is like Kryptonite to Superman. And the worst the headache, the more weakening the Kryptonite is to the Superman we think we are.

In all seriousness, the real problem here is that while social drinkers like myself are more likely to throw up the alcohol, thereby lessen the impact of a hangover, those who drink out of escapism will be more likely to suffer a hangover because their bodies hold on to the alcohol. For the simple reason that the alcohol is their believed tool of escaping their problem. When in all actuality it's not. This leads to why before you think of getting wasted, you need to ask your problems...

3) Going somewhere? - Because the answer will be an echoing "NO!!!!" All due, Einstein, to the undeniable fact that whatever problem you called yourself running from,...it's still going to be there when you come down from your high or booze binge. And in your foolishness, you've actually added

4) Regrets to your list.  Giving yourself more problems by all the apologies you have to now give out for what you may have said  or did because of your drunken lushy state....Congratulations, Dumb-ass!!!

What I have said here may seem harsh, but it is a harshness that's necessary. And I know this because I have used it on myself. In my moments of drunkenness, I have lost memories of fragments of time, my vomiting lessened the impact of a hangover, and do have regrets because while I may not have become a belligerent drunk, I do regret putting my friends in a situation where they had to take care of me by doing things like helping me to simply walk out of a bar. So the only thing on the list that I didn't have to deal with is me deluding myself that my problems were going anywhere.

Now, are all these pretty shapes and colors worth the list of prices one must pay for trying to run away from the problems life might throw your way?

Next time you go to a bar, take a drug, or use a lay to attempt to be an escape...um, artist, you might want to think about that list.

To Sam: Emails of Intervention, Part 2

After Sam's falling off the wagon in Part 1, I kept texting him messages to show him how much damage he was doing to himself, and how much he was pushing me (or anyone else who cared) away. None of those messages got a reply. On my way out Friday night, I did send him a text saying:
I hope you are doing what you need to get better. I wish you well.

To my surprise, he replied Saturday afternoon:
I am sober, 3 days again

I returned with:
Glad to know you're doing better. Keep it up. Take care.

To my surprise, Sunday afternoon, he called me. We had a nice long talk, and he at one point said that all had happened to him was not all his fault. He said he wasn't feeling that social, but I did let him know that I was planning to go sit in Washington Square Park, and invited him to come along, so I'd check in with him to see if he felt better by the time I got there. Once there, I texted him. He said his doctor/friend was coming by. So I told him to enjoy his day, and that we'll talk later. He replied:
Def. Thanks for sticking by me.

So I left it at that for that day. Come Monday however, like I said, when addicts fall off the wagon, they must earn the trust of people around them. So hoping for the best, I went to a hook-up site hoping to NOT find him online...

...THERE HE WAS. And once again, I checked the other sites, and he was there as well.

I sent him an email via one site with a casual tone asking what was he up to.

I could see that he opened the email, and I immediately got a reply stating that he was with a buddy on the UES.

I asked him if he was sober. I could see that email was opened as well, but I never got a reply to that one. Because of this wait, I decided to put my foot down, sending another email saying:
Answering is very important....TRUST ME!!!!

He replied:
i'm high why

I decided this was it for me. I couldn't do this to myself anymore. So I sent him in reply:
THEN YOU'RE DEAD TO ME. I've tried my best to stand by you, but I can't stand by you when YOU FOR YOUR OWN GOOD insist on NOT standing on your own.

I'M DONE!!!!

I guess you're choosing the body bag rather than fighting to be a real man.

I was having my own problems during this time, and while I was standing strong through it all, learning Sam had faltered again did the unusual....it broke down my emotional wall to the point that I actually sat in my room and cried. For he, like everyone else in the situations going on with me at the time, had failed to do their part while I did mine. Basically in this case, I obviously wanted Sam sober more than Sam wanted it for himself.

I called Sam choked up asking what was he doing to himself. And sent text messages to try to wake him up to realize the damage he is doing.

Such as:
I hope you're proud of yourself....YOU FUCKIN' COWARD!!!!
and
If you're on a drug binge on the UES, then what about your dogs?
and
Yesterday, you said all you lost was not ALL your fault.
Well, YOU chose to go with this "buddy".
YOU chose to take that hit.
Then whose fault is it?!


Some now believe that there is a gene that makes one susceptible to addiction. I DON'T BUY THIS. This "gene" is nothing more than a scientist making another excuse for people  not taking full responsibility for their actions. If there was such a gene, then why am I not an addict after trying so many different things. I have said it time and time again that I believe the key to addiction is ACCESS. The difference is that a real man or woman is self-assured enough that even when they have access, even if they have to fight themselves to do it, they muster up the strength it takes to still deny themselves of the drug by saying one simple word ---- "NO".

Therefore I don't believe that Sam has such a gene in him. I believe that he like any other addict is just plain and simply not self-assured enough to say "NO". I've had access, so why have I had so many times of saying "no", while there were those other times when I said "yes". It's because I demand myself to be in control of me. I was never doing it to seek approval like some schoolkid falling prey to peer pressure. These people are so desperate for approval, they don't give a damn about where they get it. As long as that the approval comes from the people perceived to be "popular" in their society, and that doesn't necessarily mean those who are for the greater good. And sadly enough, drugs is an easy way to rub elbows with "the popular people".

With that in mind, I'm sure that many "party-boys" recognize that picture of Sam. And I'm sure they are running from these posts, or putting their heads down just like he is doing in that picture...but in shame as they should. For they know they are living this same kind of so-called life that is just a step away from being their story. That is,....if it's not the story they are living already.

After collecting myself, the next day, I sent Sam an email. This was it for me. I told myself that I couldn't do this to myself anymore. I had to stop trying to be the superhero and save the day with my wisdom for people who don't do the actions to back-up their claims of how they want to save themselves. I was finally allowing the reality to set in....that I have to let Sam be his own hero.

So the last email reads:
Sam,

 Yesterday when I called I broke down because you are not the only one with problems. I am in the midst of some of my own, but news of you high again just broke down my emotional wall. Just the day before, you invite me to having dinner with you sometime this week, and the next day, I find you online on every hook-up site on another binge. How am I supposed to feel? I feel like all the time I spent to help you in some kind of way is now wasted. And with everything else going on with me, I can't put myself through trying to help you when you won't help yourself.

 You keep talking about getting away from the drugs, and that it because of where you live. WRONG!!!! Stop with the bullshit excuses! BLAME YOURSELF! BLAME YOURSELF FOR NOT BEING MAN ENOUGH TO SAY "NO" TO EVERY DRUGGIE THAT WALKS YOUR WAY! BLAME YOURSELF FOR USING DRUGS TO RUN FROM YOUR PROBLEMS INSTEAD OF BEING MAN ENOUGH TO FACE THEM! Like I said, I am in the middle of my own problem, but I'm not getting cracked up to run from them. BLAME YOURSELF FOR NOT THINKING BETTER OF YOURSELF TO WHERE YOU HAVE THE FAITH IN YOURSELF THAT I WAS TRYING WITH EVERY FIBER OF MY BEING TO HAVE IN YOU!

 If any of this hurt you, I really don't give a fuck! Because it's the truth that I'm sure no one has told you. And if they have, do you have to wind up in a body bag before you get it?!!!!

 Try Being U2B. FREE

That was the last email I sent him. And I have not heard from him since. So whether he's dead or alive now, I don't care, because the truth is...I CAN'T care. If I try right now to send emails or phone calls and get no reply, I can't concern myself with the horrid possibilities anymore. Horrid possibilities such as it turning out that he has OD'd and been dead so long in his apartment that his 2 dogs now have no choice for food but to eat at his dead carcass. I can't concern myself with that, because he won't concern HIMSELF with that. I can't put my life on hold trying to save his, when he refuses to take part in saving himself.

This is the lecherous life of an addict. Sucking out your strength that makes you able to deal with hardships of life, because they need the company for they are too cowardly to make that strength for themselves. So their goal whether they are aware of it or not is to make you just as in despair as they are.

Well, are you going to let that happen? I personally REFUSE TO!!!!! Moving on....

To Sam: Emails of Intervention, Part 1

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