Why I Still Love Gay Sex Substance-Free As I Near 50

This year I turn 49 years old. That's just one year away from me being 50. Half a century old. Well, in recent months, I have come to realize that I am enjoying sex a lot more. Even when writing Evolution of My Bottoming and Evolution of My Toppping, I was unaware that this growing love of sex was happening. What makes me most proud of it is the fact that this joy is achieved without any kind of  substances. No poppers. No alcohol. No marijuana. And nothing harder. This joy of sex from foreplay to orgasm is made from a clear mind.

So with substance-abuse being too much a common part of gay sex, I decided to take a step back and think about what got me to this point. And what can I say for others in my age, or will at some point become my age, feel inspired to follow so they can have the same joy. I'm not going to promise you that some of these reason won't be controversial, but like I said, they got me to this point. Maybe they can do the same for you in some way.


I came out late
Over the years of questioning my sexual orientation, I observed and listened to various aspects reported in the media of gay male sexuality by gay males. This allowed me to decide if I ever came out as gay or bisexual what I wanted out of my gay sexual encounters. Instead of like many gay males who come out young, listening to a more seasoned gay male who is very likely jaded and doing various physically and mentally unhealthy means to escape past traumas that have left scars on the body, heart, and mind.

This is not to say that coming out young is a guarantee of you not coming up with a list such as mine. But my observations have shown me that it is not common for a young gay male to make such a list for themselves. They often follow the aforementioned wrong path young, then grow old still following it, and passing it on to the next generation of gays. Hence the massive substance-abusing dysfunction that plagues the LGBTQ+ community today.

I've gotten over my prostituting moments
Unfortunately, prostitution is a commonality in the gay male community. Ignorant and often hypocritical parents push their children towards prostitution by throwing them out of the house when the child is discovered to be any degree of gay. Also, other (usually older) gay males exploit them with prostitution through gay nightlife, porn, and escorting sites. This leaves that gay male to survive by turning the only thing they have left into a commodity--- their body.

No one of mentally and emotionally sound mind sets out to be a prostitute. So prostitution is what a mentally and emotionally healthy person resorts to when they are broken down by the world around them, and backed into a financial corner. Sadly, the older gay males in our community, particularly those on the down low and the older gays selling out the younger gays don't want our community as a whole to ever realize that. That is why the escorting sites are allowed a place in many Gay Pride Marches.

The problem is as someone who was never an escort, but had prostituting moments in his porn and go-go dancing career, I am too aware of what that life does to one's psyche.

I have written a number of times about how much I loathed the gay-for-pay bitch in denial, Double R, who I got stuck working with in my scene for "Love of the Dick IV". His antics made him nothing I wanted to have sex with, yet out of a need for the underpaid rate ethnic studios pay their models, I did it. That prostituting moment haunted me for quite awhile. Resulting in me often having flashes of it during a sexual encounter in which I was feeling great joy. This especially would happen during encounters in which I was topping. Resulting in me losing my erection.

Keeping that result in mind, what do you think would happen to someone who makes such joyless sexual encounters their everyday? Like an escort. Making sex a chore, instead of a means for pleasure. A compartmentalizing that is contradictory to what sex was made for. One would have to use something, like drugs or alcohol to lessen the reaction to or totally repress flashbacks of such encounters. And do note that the more times you do it, the more flashbacks you're setting yourself up for having. Hence why substance abuse is such a commonality in any sex work void of sexual attraction. And sadly, such emotionless sex work is a commonality in prostituting, being a porn actor, or being a go-go boy.

When I told a friend about those flashbacks, he suggested that I seek professional help for it. I paused considering it for just a second. Because not to be the media-proposed black male refusing mental health assistance, I realized it was unnecessary for me. For in that revelation to him, and numerous times prior on my social media formats, I realized by that point that I no longer had the flashbacks. I had self-therapized through my writing.

This is why if you've seen me in recent months at a sex party/backroom as a top, then you've seen me enjoying my bottom for a good while. Not abruptly stopping like I used to, which was before because a memory flash killed my hard-on. Now, such abrupt stopping is because the bottom overdosed on poppers and/or he's a size queen that never does kegels so his hole is too lose to pleasure me.

With that said, the reason I am growing in my love of sex as I get older is because I no longer have to repress a flashback to that trauma from surfacing. Nor do I have to block out a reaction to one.

I believe in God, but not religion
Another cause of substance abuse for many gays is because they are trying to repress hearing the anti-gay teachings of their parents and/or religious leaders. If you've read my poem and backstories about the guy I refer to as "Poppered Preacher", he claimed to love poppers, and do recreational use of meth... He was studying to be a minister when we met. But further proving the hypocrisy of religion, he is actually a minister now.

Besides him, I have yet to meet a gay male who has close ties to a church or religion who does not partake of some kind of substance abuse, and that includes poppers. This is not to say that it's impossible for one to exist, but it thus far seems extremely rare. The reason for that rarity is because they need to tune out the voices telling them that their love of gay sex is wrong. Like with prostituting, they need to repress the voices, or avoid reaction to them.

My attempt of belonging to a church to house my belief in God ended with Poppered Preacher. And while I had already come to a point of hearing less of a voice damning me for my love of the male form (heart, mind, body & soul), it really became silenced after he incited me putting that final nail in the coffin of religion.

So like I've said in that article and many social media posts, I still believe in God. To the point that I will not date a guy who doesn't believe in God. But my belief in God is not confined to me following a religion or church.

I don't play games
Many gay males play games in their sexual conquest. It's a subconscious overcompensation to give a big "FUCK YOU" to those who said that we are "less than" because we are some level of gay; because we gay males, instead of using our dicks to create children with and give pleasure to the opposite sex, we use our penis (and butts) to give pleasure to another male. In short, being man enough to live that truth. Unfortunately, many of us undo that earned manhood each time we treat each other as disposable entities to proclaim our sexual worth.

These issues can contribute to anyone of any color as to why they partake of substance abuse during sex. However, there is one thing that can incite substance abuse during sex that I just realized its existence over New Year's. Thereby also realizing the many ways it spares me.

I am not white, or the socially acceptable light-complexioned
For New Year's, I traveled all the way from NYC to Lancaster, PA to be with someone who I thought was a friend. A true friend with benefits. He is white, the same age as me, and looked good for his age, so I thought. On the night I arrived, when we were supposed to be having sex, he was doing marijuana, cocaine, and to my surprise, meth. I will admit that I did partake of the former 2 of the 3. Being true to how I've always said that my sex partner is my only high, my partaking was not out of a "necessity" for a high. It was instead because even though I've had enough experiences to know the answer, I was still wondering if I'm missing something in asking: WHAT IS THE PAY-OFF TO DRUG USE DURING SEX?

This time around however, I finally realized that while there is still no pay-off, I was and always will be missing a trait as to what drives the "necessity" in people like him...

I'm not white. Nor am I light-complexioned.

I'm sure you're wondering what that has to do with anything. The fact is that it is naturally ingrained in our DNA that none of us are any better than the other. Especially because of color. However, just about every aspect of the gay community and the media influencing it is run by insecure, racist white males. And they advise every white male to pride themselves on their being white.

Focus on the colorism within racism, and you also have light-complexioned people of color assuming the same kind of behavior. For I have long said that the racism in the gay community makes the gay community like Pre-Civil Rights Movement America. Where light-complexioned people are given preferential treatment and the preferred color over medium to dark-complexioned people in regards to sex appeal.

This makes sexual conquest much more obtainable for both white and light-complexioned people. However, as with all things so easily accessible, the people become spoiled. Taking the sex and the person they have acquired for granted. Treating them as disposable entities. That's why in sexually permissive spaces, white and light-complexioned males jump from one person to another way more easily, without the slightest bit of remorse over wasting that person's time. Meanwhile, a medium to darker person of color finds a person of interest, and wants to hold on to them for a bit. Yet to a white/light person willing to take them for granted, they can come off as being overly possessive.

In any case, being the socially acceptable color can eventually make a white/light person’s easy access to sex become old. Sex will lose its excitement and be nowhere near as stimulating substance-free as it was in their younger days. So they start to believe they need a new sensation to give sex a boost. That new sensation could be from anything from poppers, marijuana, or harder drugs, like cocaine, heroine, or crystal meth. Like in the aforementioned situation I had.

When I find someone I desire to have sex, I have less of a false sense of being sexual royalty plaguing my mind. I already don't fit the mold simply because I'm Black. But I am not altering my appearance with the intent to fit the racist white porn-induced idea of a "beautiful black male" either. For with my small frame, there's also my refusal to shave my head as a means to remove my African descent. So be my encounter in private or in public, I'M FREE. Your typical white/light male does not have that luxury. If they are not expected to at least be a certain body type, they are always expected to choose a certain color and body type and behave a certain way during sex. In addition to their encounters becoming boring, these added pressures also contributes to the substance abuse during sex.

This is not to say though that a white/light person can't have the same growing joy of sex that I do. Just as racist imagery makes some black males ignorantly pride themselves on their large penis, white/light males have to stop priding their conquest on their white/light skin. For that is enabling both racism and colorism, to which the karma for anyone of any color is emptiness and loneliness. Even during the act of sex.


Sex is a natural act, and the pleasure from it is to be obtained naturally. However, you diminish how naturally that pleasure is obtained when you add lack of self-identification, as well as religious ghosts, ego-stroking head games, and attitudes of entitlement to the mix. For all of those things will have you seeking a way to numb your conscience from reacting to them. Then you will have to ask yourself if that pleasure is real. For how actual was that pleasure when the only part you remember is the substance you took to get in the act. Yet you remember little to no specifics of the pleasure itself.

So the best thing to do is to rid yourself of that mental and emotional baggage to make yourself a better lover, and overall,... a better you. And part of that being a better you is to remember that just because you're getting older, that doesn't mean that the joy of sex has to get old,...and boring.

The Real on Why I Hate Poppers

If you follow me on any form of social media, then you know that I have made it no secret of my great disdain for poppers. Well, it is one thing to have a disdain for something, but it becomes a stance of arrogance to refuse an in depth explanation for that stance.

Once at The Pleasure Chest, they had a sex-ed skill-share for people wanting to be sex educators. One of the required task was to make a 10-minute presentation on a sexual topic, to which other participants gave criticisms on your presentation. The topic I chose was “Popper-Free Anal Sex”. And while I took most of the criticism well, and was actually self-aware enough to know, one criticism was substance-abuse enabling, and capitalism-driven for a sex retail space willing to sell poppers.

I was told that my calling partakers of poppers ignorant was me shaming them.

I’m sorry, but I am supposed to think that I said something wrong? For I pride myself on seeing the big picture on a matter before speaking publicly about it. Plus, when I say anything against poppers, I am talking to adults. Adults who should know better than to intentionally hold a bottle mere millimeters away from their noses to sniff. Especially since that bottle houses amyl nitrates — a chemical that if ingested any more directly (like swallowing) can result in immediate (and possibly fatal) harm to the body. Such as this doctor’s quote from a Vice article shows:

“It is not thought that amyl leads to many long-term issues, but there are some short-term risks,” Dr Boylan says. “It is possible to develop an allergic reaction over time. Another rare but serious complication is methaemoglobinaemia, which means the blood becomes unable to carry oxygen. This can be life threatening, and it happens when a person swallows rather than inhales poppers.”

Am I really supposed to coddle adults who should have the common sense to figure out just a smidgen of this information?

Take note that the person who accused me of shaming was a cis female. She does not live with seeing this ignoring of common sense repeated in her community ad nauseum. Unlike me, who sees it repeatedly since the gayness in my bisexuality has me way more so in the gay male community. Hence why I made it my topic for that event.

I feel no wrong in shaming in this instance. For if a parent is any degree worthy of the title of “parent”, then there are instances in which teaching the difference between right and wrong requires shaming you for doing the wrong. Plus what other choice does one have when common sense is often met by many popper users with an addict's aggression to defend their drug of choice. So real educators, ones not marionetted by corporate bottom lines are left to pick up where too many "gay parents" have fucked up.

Before we go any further, know that I have survived over a decade of contemplating suicide because of not owning my orientation. I did not survive and endure all of those days and nights of angst to finally come out, bottoming, then delude myself into thinking I’d be cooler if I became a substance abuser by doing poppers. Hence why I make no secret as to how since my coming out, my enjoyment of anal sex has led to me being tag-teamed by beer-can thick dicks, double-penetrated (more than twice), practically gangbanged, and still get compliments on having a tight hole. All without poppers.

My dislike of poppers is more about me wanting what every person engaging in sexual intercourse should want — — to be the center of my sex partner’s attention.

If I’m to share my sex partner’s focus, I want it to be with another human being if we’re having group sex. I don’t like the idea of sharing that focus... with a bottle? A bottle as much as 35 times shorter than me and containing a harmful substance. So the frustration that has come through much of what I’ve written about poppers over time is my concern as to why more gay males don’t want the same for themselves. And gay males are already prone to self-esteem issues as an oppressed community. So the use of poppers in my eyes becomes an acting out over those issues.

Furthermore, when one encourages another to use them, they are encouraging that person to follow a path that is counterproductive to the ongoing fights for 1)being gay, and; 2) having anal sex considered a healthy sexual practice to celebrate sexuality.

I come at this matter with such veracity because I’ve been masturbating since I was about 10 years old. Eventually I realized that fondling of myself was me introducing my body to sexual stimulation. Well, from the pleasures I got from that fondling, then playing with my butt hole once I discovered gay male sex was usually anal, I felt if those pleasant sensations were so much as an inkling of what actual sexual intercourse felt like, then I wanted nothing, nothing, NOTHING to interfere with my brain receiving the messages of how much pleasure I was feeling. Nor did I want anything to interfere with me remembering what exactly I did to my body to achieve that pleasure, so I can pass on that information to my sex partner(s) if need be. Or who gave that pleasure to me.

I find it to be absolute insanity to allow anything to interfere with that sensation. To the point that I will not date a guy who does poppers. So while some white/light-complexioned guys treat medium/dark-complexioned guys as being “good enough for a lay, but not to stay”, that’s how I treat guys who do poppers. And I feel no shame about it. For at least my discarding of such guys is based on a health-conscious decision. A behavior they can change if they choose to. Unlike the aforementioned white/light-complexioned guys whose racism and colorism makes them discard you over natural traits like darker skin and almond-shaped eyes. Therefore, beyond your control.

I personally get highly offended when I either see online profiles of guys claiming how they “can suck dick all day by doing poppers”, or seeing the actual action at a sex party/backroom by a guy on his knees sucking every dick around him and interrupting his suck with a huff of poppers. What offends me is how such a guy is lying to himself about his love of oral sex. Anyone who claims to “need” poppers to better their endurance of oral sex is telling themselves a lie.

For I love giving blowjobs. If you put 5 hot guys in front of me with their dicks out, I’ll suck on their dicks so long that my jowls might look like those of Kanye West by the end of it. And I don’t need to huff on poppers to suck on them that long. My love of sucking dick, those guys’ sex appeal, and my ego about my oral prowess is all the drive I need.

I’m sure some feel that I owe no one this explanation. After all, the term “poppers” alone is illegal is some places because it shows illegal intent to use amyl nitrates by huffing. Even XTube is aware of this fact. Hence why I had to change the title in the description for my XTube video embedded in “Poppers! We Don’t Need No Stinkin’ Poppers!” For XTube has outlawed the use of the word “poppers” on their site. Even if the purpose of the word is to eradicate poppers itself.

However, what motivates me to give this explanation is because poppers have so heinously infiltrated the gay male community, it is seeping into the anal sex lives of straight people as well… But by the misleading advice of gay males who were advised by the misled before them. So it is an ugly passing of a spiked baton showing that this substance abuse is an epidemic. One that a detailed explanation of one’s adversity to poppers might be one of the last stitch efforts to eradicate this interference to our anal-sex-loving lives.

With all this, am I bragging? In order to get the message through, YES.

So join me so that I will have no reason or right to brag. For doing such great sexual feats will instead become for all of us in the anal sex-loving community, a common place statement of being. Thereby making bragging become wasted breath. But right now, my bragging is still necessary.

Nathaniel, R-U A Rapist?

For the first time in awhile, I went to the NYC gay bar, The Eagle for their Jockstrap Happy Hour. At this event, proceeds go to a charity by way of a $5 cover as most patrons strip down to usually a jockstrap or some other kind of underwear and enjoy cocktails, beers, conversation, and flirtation. Most guests from my experience partake of these things well and act respectfully towards one another's personal space. However, there is often someone with such a rabid level of social ineptitude that they can ruin it for someone.

Well, on this night, the name of the person with the rabid social ineptitude was Nathaniel.

I paid my cover and entered the bar. In less than a minute, this tall, slim black male came up to me introducing himself by saying "Hi, I'm Nathaniel". Even though I don't know my degree of celebrity, knowing that I have some at all still makes me wonder if such an abrupt introduction is either a social media follower or someone seeing me as an Average Joe.

He immediately offered to buy me a drink, and I refused. I shouldn't have to explain why I refused. However, since using one another is such a commonality in gay society endorsed by its media, nightlife, and porn, An explanation for my refusal is necessary before I continue.

When a guy offers to buy you a drink, he wants something. If you don't want conversation with him, don't accept the drink. If you don't want to kiss him, don't accept the drink. If you don't want to end up having sex with him,... DON'T ACCEPT THE FUCKING DRINK!!! So in practicing what I preach, I refused. Because your sex appeal in that person's eye (and/or their desperation) is what got you the offer. And I'm not going to let my sex appeal get me something from someone who I know wants something in return, but I have no intent of giving what they want to them. That's what justifies Karma's action when she takes your sex appeal away by way of your subconscious guilt making you age poorly.

Anyway, after my refusal, he persisted in trying to talk to me. I said I just got here, and I wanted to settle myself first. He seemed to get the hint. He told me to enjoy my evening, then walked away. As I was waiting, I was so in a rush to get in the bar that I forgot I needed to use the restroom. So I went. When I returned, I went to the opposite end of the bar. Once there, Nathaniel came back, and started talking to me again. And it wasn't like he was approaching me out of drunkenness that made him forget we met just a few minutes earlier. He was well aware that we spoke before because this time, he did not introduce himself.

In response to whatever he said, there were many things I said that made it clear that if I was to entertain his company at any point, that moment was not the time. Such as how a few times when he said that it seems like I had a wall up, one time I responded by saying, "I do. Because I don't know. It comes down the more I get to know you." In whatever various ways I said that, I told him the truth each time. Another time in his rambling I responded by telling him, "When I first walk into a space, I like to assess the room. Get a feel for it. And to focus and get an honest assessment, I like to do that alone. Hence why I often go places solo."

He still kept talking to me. In fact, he even furthered his closing into my personal space. For most of the time, he was leaning against the bar with his left hand. Leaning into me at a less than 45 degree angle, which was inciting my porn-induced PTSD to do something drastic.

With hindsight being 20/20, I think one of the things that saved him from a heinous reaction was the fact that my porn-induced PTSD is incited more by being actually touched, which even in his close proximity to my body, he never did.

As he kept getting such responses from me defending my justified personal space, he became unjustly defensive in both his verbal responses, and his body language. Such as how he went from the less than 45 degree lean to taking his other hand and putting it on the other side of me, closing me in.

The whole encounter had me so annoyed that I only remember bit and pieces of what he said. At that moment all I recall is that he was asking me how old I was. I told him that I would tell him if he would stop trying to corner me. Me having to negotiate for my personal space to avoid responding with a physically violent reaction made his existence more insignificant with every letter of every word he spoke and every millimeter of his movement. For he was trying to close me in to possess my time and space.

Now, as a Black man in the racist clusterfuck that is the American gay community, I am more than a little aware of how disregarded a black male can feel. Especially when we have been passed aside for white/light-complexioned guys by someone claiming to like, or even love us. In every scenario from a backroom tryst to a long-term relationship. However, the accumulation of such hits does not justify Nathaniel (or any other black male) imposing upon someone's personal space. Especially not in that fashion. And especially not the personal space of a stranger --- what I was to Nathaniel.

With all this said, I must publicly ask Nathaniel this...

Nathaniel, are you a rapist? Have you called yourself having a conversation with a person giving only a few inches, instead of at least a foot between that person and yourself? Have you gotten defensive when they ask you to back up? Even if they ask with the utmost politeness? Have you gotten defensive when their polite words show they would rather be left alone?

I must ask these questions because based on your behavior on the night of April 19, 2019, you have all the makings of a rapist. Repetitious in executing power moves upon the personal space of a person you have no claim to. So if you don't fix this behavior now, I expect to hear news of you being accused, arrested, indicted, tried, and convicted in due time.

I actually hope you have done no such extent of harm to someone. But if you have, I hope this article inspires them to come forward.

I Said I Was A Sex Blogger, And He Ran Like A L'il Biatch!

I was standing in front of the DJ booth. In this deep dark, I felt myself being watched. So then I had to figure out by whom. It turned out being a tall, slim, dark-haired white guy at a diagonal to my right. We slowly started exchanging glances. As this continued, 2 others guys came on each side of me, closing me in, which I hate. So I moved over to stand against the wall to the right of the DJ booth, which actually put me still at a diagonal behind the guy, but a very slight one. He turned, and the exchange of glances continued. He then proceeded to stand against the wall next to me, but still not saying a word.

This made me think back to my playmate from "French Kiss, Big Bliss". Introducing himself to me by saying, "Either we can keep looking at each other, or one of us can say 'Hello'." So instead of us continuing to gawk at each other, even with him standing next to me against the wall, I initiated conversation by saying hello.

We exchanged names. His name was Robert. He was White American, but born in Spain. Well, whatever the case, he definitely adopted the too typical American attitude towards sexuality that I've encountered.

For during our conversation, we talked about what we do for a living. He's an actor. As for his liking what I do, he was okay with me saying that I worked in a sex shop as my day job. However, when I added that my side job is that of a sex blogger, Robert did the oldest escape line in the book by saying, "I'm going to go use the restroom." Then added to show the finality of how this was a move to escape, "It was nice talking to you."

This is not the 1st time a guy has turned tail and ran when I tell them I'm a sex blogger. It has happened enough times that as with all such blog posts, I'm forced to make it public knowledge because it is indicative of a greater problem in the American gay community. And I must say American, because that is who this has most often happened with. With European suitors, along with the initial fascination most Americans give, they've also at least allowed me to say the truth of how I practice discretion. They at least allow that much to be said. Hence why I'm still in touch with my playmates from my years old blog posts, "Sexy Sweet Swedes" and the aforementioned "French Kiss, Big Bliss".

As my most loyal readers have seen, I don't put you on blast by name unless you have wronged me.

With that I'm sure some of you are asking: How did Robert wrong me? He did so by wasting my time. For so many gay males give off this idea that since we're out and proud gays, we don't have to abide by the sexually oppressive norms of the hetero-normative. Well, if you are a gay person with an issue with talking about sex, then you're a hypocrite to that bullshit hype about all gay males. A hypocritical hype often found with American gay males. Hence why in a sexually permissive space, a visiting European is often underwhelmed. Since they are not above lowering themselves to the colorism and racism I often write about, I have found myself passed over for a white/light American. But you can see they were just settling for the optics. For they later come back around trying to get me. Due to finding the sexual energy of who they settled for disappointing.

If you want to know what exactly I write about with sexuality, then simply ASK. One can very simply ask me questions like:

• Do I write about sex in general, and/or do I talk about my own sexual experiences?
• And if I do the latter, how discreet am I?

2 simple questions I could very simply gave the answers to with the evidence being throughout this blog in posts telling of my sexscapades. Unfortunately, members of this Grindr generation (like Robert) are too socially inept to communicate in one-on-one conversations. So they are totally oblivious about asking any simple question(s) that can put their mind at ease on a matter. 

I'm sure some of you are quick to say that not everyone wants to be written about. I am totally aware of that. Hence why with my 1st Amendment right to freedom of speech, I use discretion. However, with that discretion, if you've done nothing to be ashamed of, then you should have no problem knowing that such a tale of your sexual prowess (or lack thereof) is out there. Those who have allowed shame by activity, ethnic, religious, and workplace cultures, etc. to impose upon their pride in their sexual behavior are those most uncomfortable about such tales.

Being insightful, I can very easily surmise as to what some guy's apprehensions are. They feel my being a sex blogger means:

• I'm studying them. Well, isn't that what anyone is supposed to do when they meet someone? You should be getting studied by the person you meet even if they are a mortician. So my being a sex blogger should not make a difference. The insecurity that males try to hide just makes them more aware of it. For they believe;
• I'll be more critical of their sex skills. This is a threat to the typical male because as I have said in a post for Thotyssey NYC, we males are taught to think we're all-knowing when it comes to sex. So being in the presence of a sex blogger threatens a blow of that cover. Exposing how much males are not omniscient about sex as they pretend they are. Well, truth be told, if the guy possess such unfounded arrogance, blowing that cover is what he deserves. Otherwise, if I'm unsatisfied, I would do as I advised in that Thotyssey article, and honestly and respectfully communicate my dissatisfaction.
• I'm going to without a doubt write about the encounter. At one time, that might have been the case. Because contrary to what many believe, I don't have sex as often as people think. So each sexual encounter was  a celebration simply because it happened. Especially after my late coming out. Now however, with my maturity, I've made the rule to write about the encounter when the sexual experience has actually taught me something. Knowledge to pass on to you, my readers. And since I don't have sex that often, and am sober when I do it, it makes the details to pass on that knowledge easier to remember. With that being the case, sexual encounters that are all about pleasure may or may not be spoken of in articles. And if they are, as long as I'm practicing the aforementioned discretion, there should be no need for worry.
• they are actually doing something shameful and fear exposure for it. Such as those who fetishize one because of their color, ethnicity, age, religion, etc.; or those leading double lives because living their truth would be hurtful to the ones they have never lived their truth with from the start. And if you are doing such shameful things, you are concerned about being exposed to the public for it. Well, there's an easy solution to avoid being called out for those things, be it by a sex blogger (like myself), or a random person you crossed needing to vent on social media...
  
  DON'T DO THE STUPID SHIT THAT MAKES YOU DESERVE BEING CALLED OUT FOR!!!

The problem is that all of these are based in guilt and shame about their sexual behavior. The first 3 bullet points though might very well be for no good reason. As some of that sexual behavior that guys are feeling guilt and shame over is simply them being gay. Hence those who drink to the point of drunkenness even when they don't even plan to so much as kiss a guy. They want to numb themselves to their action as a gay male.

This leads to another wrong of Robert. His alcohol consumption for liquid courage. Many, too many a gay males are okay with this. Completely ignoring the fact that using liquid courage to express any part of yourself, especially your sexual self is not a man.

And liquid courage is why Robert  tried coming back to me. Yes, you read correct. He was fooling around with someone else. I was standing nearby by paying him no mind. Then I saw a hand reach out for me, and it turned out being Robert. In response, I swatted his hand away and my inside voice made its way outside for me to say "Alcoholic faggot!"

He evidently heard me, and tried growing a pair of balls with his tone by saying, "Excuse me?!"

I leaned forward to give him a closer look in the eye and responded, "I said 'alcoholic faggot!'", and then walked away.

Don't try showing me the pair of balls that grew from being tiny seeds on you only because you poured liquid courage into them. Because I will get a sadistic joy from embarrassing you for it taking liquid courage for you to seemingly grow a pair.

I make no apologies for what I said either. For we, the American gay male community have too many "Roberts" among us. So while "faggot" might be an ugly word to use, as I said before, needing alcohol to be the sexual self you want to be is not a man. Thereby making it ugly behavior. And someone needs to call all such people out on that ugliness. The reason it took me so long to come out was because I did not want to claim I "needed" substances in my body that morph my judgment in order to be the sexual being I want to be.

So in short, this behavior by Robert, and there being so many versions of him among us shows that we need to do better for ourselves. Doing so will hopefully cause a chain. One in which doing more right to ourselves will lead to us doing more right to others.

L.D.(T.) R.B. - Substance-Free Anal Sex

I am not a stereotypical gay/bi-guy by any means. I am both very anti-drug and anti-poppers. Especially during displays of my degree of gay, like anal sex. I take great pride in being against drug/substance use during sex for they help in defining myself as someone with true pride in their gayness. Regardless as to whether those drugs/substances are Molly, cocaine, meth, recreational weed, or even poppers, or booze. 

For I enjoy gay sex with a clear mind. Be it a dick in my ass, or my dick in someone’s ass. With my brain able to take in and clearly remember every stroke, thrust, throb of a cock, twitch of an ass tunnel, and/or squeeze of a sphincter, be it pleasing or uncomfortable. Making me able to easily weed out who deserves another chance to play, and who to banish away. 

With that strong position, a couple of months ago, I made a 20-minute video explaining further the root of my anti-popper stance. However, I realize that I never told you the exact details as to what I am doing to practice what I preach. What has my late coming out, and being drug/substance-free before that and since taught me so that I can scoff at the thought of huffing on poppers to ease anal play. So I think it’s best that I tell you now.

Starting with telling you to remember the initials: L., D., R., B., and sometimes T, in between the D & R.  

L is for LUBE - Unlike the vagina, the anus and rectum are not self-lubricating. So lube is a must. Since water-based lubes are easily absorbed into the body, a silicone-based lube is the best option for anal play. However, many are concerned about their sheets and other materials around becoming stained by silicone lubes during their anal play session. If such is the case, you can choose a water-based lube. Just make sure it is thick enough to give a cushion, and that thickness has some longevity. You might also want to consider a hybrid lube, which is a combination of water-based and silicone lube. With the silicone being what gives such a lube its longevity, and the water-based part being what makes it less staining.

D is for DESIRE - There are 2 things you need to desire to aid in your having substance-free anal sex. And if these 2 things are not in play, there is no amount of lube that is going to make anal sex any easier.  

One thing to desire is to desire having anal sex. And the desire has to be you wanting anal sex. Not you wanting to please someone who wants anal sex. Thereby making the next desire be to desire the person you’re having anal sex with. If you’ve had anal sex enough times before, you can go right to the R of this list. But I you’re new to anal sex or just encountered a new sex partner, then you need to acknowledge the T and why it’s in parenthesis. 

(T) is for (TRUST) - For reasons I stated in “A Sexually Geeky’s Why I ♥ Sex”, if you’re new to anal play or having anal play with a new partner, TRUST IS A MUST. You have to trust your partner. Primarily trust that your sex partner will be patient with you as you grow in patience with yourself. In the case of those who are not new to anal sex, but are having it with a new partner, you need that trust even more so. For the newness of your sex partner can cause anxiety that might make even a pro bottom clench their bottom. Any lack of that trust in yourself and/or your partner will lead to a grab for the poppers, or any other substance one uses to relax their sphincter. The problem is many of such substances are illegal and harmful, instantly and over time. Plus, with such substances in your system, you’ll lie to yourself. Never truly mentally or emotionally getting to the next step, which is... 

R is for RELAX – The closer you come to wanting anal sex so bad that your hole is twitching because it wants to grab your partner’s penis or desired sex toy, the more you can become relaxed. For now, your body is on a mission to let that person or toy inside to give you sexual satisfaction. If you are not new to anal sex, then this should happen right after desire. However, if you’re an anal sex novice, then that relaxation will come, not immediately after desire, but after trust in yourself, then your partner. 

B is for BREATHE – While you are finally being entered, as a reward to yourself for successfully following through all the aforementioned steps, take a deep breath as your sigh of relief. Relieved that sexual satisfaction is coming from that penis or sex toy inside you.

The reason I also suggest taking that breath while being entered is because it actually helps create suction to the penis or toy going inside you. This seemingly tedious task for you is in reality the start of the great sensations you will give your male-bodied partner. Sensations that will only intensify as he thrusts inside you, or you ride on him.

Why? Because with that deep breath following all the aforementioned steps, you are now properly prepared for substance-free anal sex. 

I am well aware that my position is not the most touted in popular gay circles. Nor with sex shops trying to make money off of the too common substance abuse habits gay males pass on to straight friends expressing interest in anal sex. Well, I have no interest in complying to either. For following the lead of those gay circles and such sex shops makes us less than what we should be during sex. You see, because of the misinformation, jaded past, and corporate greed that drive them, they refuse to tell you this fact...

Your sex partner should be your high and if needed, anal sex facilitator.

In fact, your sex partner should be your only needed and requested high. Plus, reliance upon substances for anal sex that are any degree harmful further justifies the argument of homophobes and the sexually narrow-minded that anal sex is dangerous, therefore unnatural.

So isn’t it time we start exhibiting and praising sexual behavior with anal sex that proves them wrong? I think so.