Tuesday, June 26, 2012

True Pride

June is Gay Pride Month!

But as June comes to a close, what did having "Gay Pride" mean for you? Was it about being proud of the fact that you are true to yourself, in spite of the nasty shame-on-you finger you were brought up with? Or was it about party-hopping to overpriced events, and spending all of your money on booze and drugs to hide the shame you haven't been adult enough to shake off from that shame-on-you finger?

Just about every gay media outlet we know of off the top of our heads, and learn of when we first come out--- incites our pride to be the latter. You have to search long and hard to find a gay media outlet inciting the 1st meaning of gay pride that I mentioned. Hence why I took this blog in the direction I have taken it. For I want to lessen that search for you.

I have been told by too many gays that I come off as angry in my postings. If I was the type of person to give a fuck about what others think, and not willing to bet my life on how right I am for what I stand for, I might take heed of their complaint. However, each time I heard someone say to me, "You come off angry", in reply I told myself, "Look at the source. Ignore them!".

For the one thing I came to notice of EVERY gay who has said, "You come off angry" is that---they use drugs and/or drink heavily.

The people who have called me "angry" travel with the lots that I've seen at national and internationally covered events like the Black Party and the Pier Dance, or local bar/club parties doing drugs by damn near breaking down bathroom doors, going in a corner, or because it's a big crowd, right there on the dancefloor. These events national magazines like Out and Instinct, and local magazines like Next, Odyssey, and Get Out! act like are the must-go-to parties for not just Gay Pride, but to be weekly outings that tell what it means to be "gay". Well, with such self-destructive behavior (including excessive drinking) being the norm for these events and racism in our everyday lives (all of which isn't a gay or happy life at all), is it any wonder why some gays decide to seek some kind of conversion therapy?

So the way I see it, to avoid being called "angry", I should lower myself to their way of life. A way of life where their conscious mind believes ignorance is bliss, while their subconscious knows that they are in misery, so they'd love some company. The problem is I don't find ignorance to be bliss, nor do I care to accompany them in the misery of keeping up the phony brave facades that makes them do drugs and/or be alcoholics in the first place. My brave face is 100% REAL.

Furthermore, how can someone who is supposed to be "sooo angry", never had plastic surgery, or any kind of facial injection, be 41 years old and look as young as I do? No matter how great a gene pool I came from, if I was really that "angry", I would not look like this. But if I follow the lead of those who call me "angry", I would damn sure look like them, which would be my age,...and maybe beyond.

So in my content of being true to myself, with my sober ears, eyes, and mind wide open to the world around me comes this poem about not just having what the gay media calls "pride", but instead having

Saturday, June 16, 2012

From Erik Rhodes' Death, I See

Based on what I've said in some previous blog posts, including my most recent, "Write That Down #44", it should be no surprise that I find the death of Erik Rhodes to be a mental note to myself as to how I got out of the porn business while the gettin' was good.

For from Erik Rhodes' death, I see a light....again. It's a light that I have seen repeatedly over the past 2 years since I retired from studio-based porn in September 2009. It is a light always reminding me that I am BLESSED. I am blessed beyond words for how God has allotted me the time to make myself known as more than "Tré Xavier". Fate has allotted me the time to make myself become known as more than a sexually stimulating presence. This time gifted to me has allowed me chances to be on my present steady climb of having my real artistic talents known, instead of coming off as a sex object only knowledgeable in enjoying sex, and miserable afterwards like Erik Rhodes was. I'm not saying that knowledge and misery after was all that Erik Rhodes had to offer. But unfortunately, that is all we have seen.

I met Erik Rhodes only once. A few years ago, before a NY Gay Pride March. It was just a quick introduction, nothing more. Shorter than many fans at a meet-and-greet appearance. So I never got to know him on any personal level, except by his blog posts that I've read about. The sad thing is that be they Facebook comments, tweets on Twitter, or comments on gay porn blogs - all of these internet outlets have an overwhelming majority of their commenters' feelings of "loss" from Erik Rhodes' death stemming from how he was a "beautiful man", or how "gorgeous" he was. The problem is that this makes his outer beauty be what gave him worthiness to exist in so many of their eyes. And that could have very well been what killed him, as he seemed to live a life to maintain that.

From what I saw of Erik Rhodes, the seeking of empowerment was piled on more than most. First, was by his initial building up of that physique, and then piling on more. Because all guys who hit the gym for bodies like that are seeking a visible sign of strength to hide the strength they are lacking within. And adding steroids, or any supplement like a steroid to the mix, is an even greater indicator. Follow that up with how the gay porn industry seems to suck many dry of their spirits the way it does, Erik Rhodes' chances of surviving his demons were lessened even more.

All too often, I have seen gay porn bloggers take pot-shots at porn actors when they take on a venture outside of porn. One of the most frequent and notable haters of mine to my knowledge (even since my retirement from studio-based porn) has been the editor of TheSword.com, Zachary Sire. And I have not been his only target. There have been others (past and present) in the industry that he has done this to. Saddest part is how Zachary Sire is not the only hateful gay porn blogger.

These bloggers treat our outside ventures as if you all have been betrayed by us. I know because before I retired, any time I heard a porn actor friend or associate of mine say that they are done doing movies, I felt betrayed. But I never acted out on that feeling of betrayal. Probably because in the back of my mind, I knew---

---IT'S GAY PORN. So you need, thereby automatically seek an outside venture for your future to identify yourself by. And if you don't seek that outside venture to identify yourself with, porn becomes a prison. Like the ones the hateful bloggers have made for themselves. These kind of bloggers have limited themselves to writing about gay porn and nothing else, and since misery loves company, these bloggers want the porn actors to do the same. So when a porn actor shows any signs of moving on, they get a bullseye on their back. But the reality these bloggers need to face is that just because you have confined yourself to porn's prison by writing about it only for all your days, doesn't mean that a porn actor has to do the same by fucking in front of a camera for all of his days.

This leads to my question to Zachary Sire, bloggers like him, and the cynical fans who applaud them every time they write posts mocking people like myself who do something outside of porn:

What is there to mock?

The reason why me and other past and present porn performers do things outside of the porn industry is because we don't want Erik Rhode's story to become our story. We don't want to be imprisoned by our porn personas.
We don't want our legacies to be about how "cute" we were, or how "hot" we looked while fucking. We want to be remembered for being something more meaningful. Something beyond being only sexually and visually stimulating. Maybe introduced visually, but with the end result stimulating you mentally. Thereby making us something greater.

Sadly, Erik Rhodes, whose real name was James Elliott Naughtin, never got the chance to do that. All we know about James Elliott Naughtin is that he was troubled as "Erik Rhodes".

So with him no longer having to live with those troubles, may James Elliott Naughtin truly Rest In Peace.

Tuesday, June 12, 2012

Write That Down #44

Based on all that I have said about the porn industry in recent months, one would think I have a a great regret about doing it. The truth is,....I actually don't.

The porn industry is a vile world when it doesn't need to be, for it can be of good use (I'll save greater explanation for my autobiography). However, the reality that makes me speak so badly of it is because it is a world run by leeches who are seeking to feed off the insecurities of those needing validation for their worth. Be those insecurities because of their orientation, the undeserved feeling of worthlessness after a molestation or rape, or whatever.  And this is nothing you haven't heard said before in one way of wording or another.

Even with that being the case, I took some good from my time in the gay porn industry. By doing appearances, I became comfortable enough on a stage or in front of a camera to improvise if I have to. And improvisation was something I was horrible at before porn. My being in porn also made way for me to do this blog. I had a poetry website before getting into porn, and no one paid it any mind. I started blogging as "Tré Xavier", and people not only got to see me as a porn actor with a brain, but they also saw I had real talent, as an actual performer. And not just an erotic one. The "Tré Xavier" name is how I did a poetry reading last year. That name is why I'm being asked to conduct discussions on racism in the gay community. That name gave me the beginning that I segued into becoming known by my legal first name that you now know me by.

So this is another case of how every dark cloud has a silver lining. That's why my latest "Write That Down" quote reads:

Now this quote may have been inspired by my time in porn, but I'm sure you can make it pertain to situations more personal to you.

Sunday, June 10, 2012

Come See Me: The Gates Of WiL

I know this is sudden, but Monday night I will be a guest on the internet talk show called "The Gates of WiL" a show hosted by WiL Group. Wil, another guest, and myself will be discussing that "dirty" word that many in the gay community (Whites especially) don't want to acknowledge ---

RACISM in the LGBT community.

It will air live on NotStr8.tv at 10 PM EST. Hope you can tune in, and if you can't tune in, it will be available for watching later.

But I'm sure you know that things like this are better viewed live.

Thursday, June 7, 2012

Embrace Some Silence

How many of us know someone who seems to be unable to be alone?
Their bedroom is a revolving doors of tricks. Or they get a new "significant other" almost immediately after taking a breath from getting rid of the last. Or when they should be spending some time alone contemplating how they got to that bad place (and how not to repeat it), they're instead always out partying, drinking, and/or drugging to make themselves blind to the world around them.

All of these things are ways for them to avoid the silence they need for soul searching. The problem is...they refuse the silence. For in that silence, we are forced to admit to our flaws, as well as their sometimes disastrous consequences to ourselves and to others.

Probably because the sentiments are so deep within me, as they've been expressed before in some way in the posts "You Think I Should Envy You?" and "Hook-up Sex Equations", this following poem became so easy to write. So much so that it came to me in the middle of the night, and was completed in less than 24 hours.

Monday, June 4, 2012

Me, Too Titillating For YouTube?

If you are a loyal reader, or have been keeping up recently, then you are aware that on May 22nd, I was a featured performer for an erotica salon called "Titillating Tongues". I already told in previous posts what I was going to do, as well as the song I was going to sing, and the song I was going to do a striptease to.

When I arrived at the SoHo Playhouse, I was told the order of events. The 15-slot open mic was first, an intermission, then followed by the featured performers like myself, and I was scheduled to be 3rd. That all happened as said until after the intermission, the 1st featured performer being introduced....was ME.

But I have no complaints. For after you watch this video, and read on to what happened after the cut-off point of it, I think you'll find my performance made for a tough act to follow.

The sudden end is the point where the video started to get too hot for YouTube. So I'll have to tell you what you missed seeing.

I slid my pants down in sync with the decrescendo in the music bridge of song to reveal my net boxer brief. 
I then turned around to sit on the chair again. This time, I put the red blanket over my lap, and proceeded to simulate masturbating under the blanket as the lyrics of the song say:

When I'm all alone
I lie awake and masturbate
I love to hear the sounds you make
Baby, here I come
Baby, here I come

In the video, not only did I bring a blanket onto the stage with me. I also brought a bag. What people didn't know was that in the bag was a Colt Anal Douche kit - the only time a porn studio like Colt would ever get this Black man's money. During the break before my performance, I went to the men's room and filled it with watered-down lotion. So no one knew that what I was stroking was actually the nozzle attachment of the douche bulb. And when the lines of "Baby, here I come/Baby, here I come" were heard,...I squeezed the bulb, and the fake cum shot straight up to my chest and chin. Followed by another squirt onto my chest and stomach. This was obviously the highlight of my performance for this and rubbing the fake cum into my torso made the audience go crazy. However, I wasn't done thrilling them.

While still under the blanket, I took off the net boxer brief, under which I was wearing this sling thong. I walked forward holding the blanket against me with some thinking I was naked underneath. Grinded a few time, and to close my striptease, I laid the blanket on the stage, and dry-humped it to the music.

Now you see why the rest of this performance could not be recorded and posted on YouTube.

So aren't you now sorry you missed it? Maybe next time such a chance to see me perform live like this arises, you'll take me up on it because obviously, if I promise a good show, I deliver.

Who knows? Maybe next time, I'll use real cum. Just kidding....or am I? ;-)

Saturday, June 2, 2012

The Hair Down There - The Video

This trick eagerly undid his pants
For a night of sex by chance
Couldn’t help but stare
For the boy was bare
Where there should be pubic hair
Was he was of the human race?
Thank God for the sight of his face
For just the view of no hair
To grace his pubic land
Made him look like part of an alien clan
What’s the deal with the thorough shaving
Or enduring the pain of a wax
Nature marked you with this gorgeous trail
But you insist on denying the facts

Now, physically true adult, come here
True, by keeping your hair down there
That will tickle my nose
And tickle my lips
When you plug my mouth for a dip
Or when you thrust into my bottom hole
That coarse hair aids my lost of control
So show me au naturel
Or maybe even trimmed
But I’ll question your adult pride if you come bare skinned
I don’t mind pulling out hairs after
From my teeth, tongue, and ass
For that hair shows your pride as an adult
So in that regard, you passed

Females’ shaved and waxed vaginas
Males shave and wax above their cocks
Immatures putting themselves through abuse
All for the sake of recapturing youth
But I revel in having the pubes of an adult
Not that reminiscent of a child
Should you crave the sight of the latter
I’ll fear you might be a pedophile

So look and be teased
For it’s down there
What you yearn to taste
It’s down there
The tool you seek
It’s down there
Let the coarseness graze you
For the tool it hovers lives to praise you
Do you want to be and play with an adult
Or with a child?
The truth may be in how you wear and crave the hair
Down there

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