Open Letter To A Jealous Cunt From The Cock

The other night at The Cock, I ran into a guy I've made out with a couple of times before there. He told me that after our last meeting, a guy that he had never met before came up to him right after I left and said to him, "That guy you were with... He has AIDS."

So the following is my open letter response to whomever this guy is who said that about me...

Dear Jealous Cunt From The Cock,

I understand you told a playmate of mine that I have AIDS. To correct you, I do not have AIDS. I am HIV+. And to top it off, I am undetectable, and have been for a number of years now. So I am untrasmittable, and probably much to your chagrin, nowhere near death due to HIV, AIDS, or any other disease for that matter. For also probably much to your chagrin, I am in great health.

Perhaps you said that I had AIDS without knowing about my publicly revealing my HIV+ status. If such is the case, then you're just an envious asshole.

However, if you did tell that lie because of coming across my online revelation, then you're not only an asshole. You're also a fucking idiot.

For like I said, I publicly revealed my HIV+ status already. I uploaded a video to my Vimeo, then shared it via my Facebook & Twitter, posted a snippet on my Instagram account, wrote a post about that revelation on my blog, and recently made it an ongoing series with an article on KinksterMag. So even if I didn't tell him about my status at that time, which I did not, I had already put it in enough places online that it was only a matter of time before he found out. Whether by my revealing it to him directly, or his discovering it by chance.

With that said, I must say THANK YOU.

For you maliciousness gave me the opportunity to reveal to him the truth of my status. The reason I hadn't said anything to him thus far about my being HIV+ is because for me, one of the gifts of being undetectable is that my HIV+ status is no longer on the forefront of my mind in my social meetings. I take my medication everyday, and it is no longer a weight weighing on my mind. I drink, but don't get drunk. Nor do I do do drugs. So I am not doing anything that can be counterproductive to my HIV treatment.

That is why as I turn 48 this Sunday, I can look this good, and be healthier than many 20 and 30-somethings who drink excessively and do drugs. Here is a recent picture to remind you:

Now, the ignorance and internal ugliness that it took for you to make such a statement about me to a stranger makes one question if you can say the same as I about your alcohol and/or drug intake. Were you drunk? Were you high?

Actually,... who gives a fuck?! Whether you are substance-free of not, your action was a clear display of your ENVY. Your UGLY SOUL. You being CUNTy.

Whether you were lusting for me, or lusting for my playmate, you lost your shot at both. For if you at some point wanted me, this has definitely sealed your fate that there will never be a "we" between you and me. And my playmate's reaction to your actions shows he has no interest in you either.

Hence why FYI -  He and I are still cool.

So next time you want to try a move like this, I strongly advise you to not only get your facts straight. But make sure I never learn who you are.

You see, if your story was created by reading my blog at all, then out of your maliciousness, you have conveniently ignored the history of my blogging. One that has a history of putting gay bars, clubs, media sites, porn studios, porn actors, and their  managers on blast by name for their ignorance against me and/or one or more of my communities. So you are not safe from being dealt the same if I ever learn who you are.

The only thing saving you from being put on blast with photos and links to your social media now is the fact that my playmate did not point you out to me. And I think he's nice enough not to. But if he ever does, you had better pray that I don't know you well enough by name and/or face. Otherwise, everyone will know by name how hideous you are on the inside, which in many's eyes will make its way to the outside. That is if it hasn't already.

So your best bet to avoid a more public well-deserved public shaming that this open letter is show yourself, and come to me like a man with an honest apology. Have a good day.

I'm HIV+: No Bravery Applause Required

I always knew the day of me going public with my HIV+ status would come. My original plan was to come forward with it within in the pages of my autobiography that I have long been working on. But at the rate I’m going, scientist might actually find a cure by then, which would make not much need for the revelation. 

The thought to come forward with this revelation came when I got an invitation for Vladimir Rios’ exhibit of “I Still Remember” to be held at his gallery La Via Galerie in Livingston, NJ on World AIDS Day, December 1, 2018. I was one of the models in the photo narrative. The invitation also offered some guests to speak. Upon reading this, a conversation with myself started. It said: 

“NOW!” 

“’Now’ what?” 

“Now is when you’re going to publicly reveal that you’re HIV+” 

The idea of going public with my HIV status is not a new one for me. It is actually been a thought of mine for a long time. What might have caused a postponement was a potential playmate being a know-it-all.

He was someone I met at a condom-only party. We made out, I went down on him, giving him a mind-blowing blowjob, then we cuddled and chatted in the afterglow. During that conversation, I mentioned my day job and my being a sex educator via my blogging, which piqued his interest even more. We exchanged numbers to hook up one-on-one, then one night, we chatted via text. He said that outside that condom-only sex party that he liked to play raw, so he wanted to know my HIV status. I told him the truths of how 1)the joy of playing raw was mutual, and; 2)that my being positive, but undetectable. After disclosing my HIV status, I confided in him that I often considered going public with my HIV status.

Well, I have always said that my brain works like a both a male and a female's. Confiding in him with my thinking about coming out publicly with my HIV status was my female thinking, as females just tend to vent, and not necessarily seeking a solution. The male thinking is what this guy did. He considered my venting as an ask of "What should I do?", when even if I was seeking advice, the right thing to do was to recluse himself from giving it because he was in no position to offer a suggestion.

For he was HIV-. Therefore, he has no first-person experience as to what I have to consider by publicly coming out as HIV+. The most he may have ever done is watch someone else’s life from the outside looking in. And coming out as HIV+ is very much like the coming out as gay, bisexual, pansexual, transgender, etc. An outsider can demand that you be honest with yourself, but they cannot by any means so much as suggest when you tell such a truth about yourself to the outside world. Especially, if you’re a public persona on even the smallest level. 

Well, for the record, that hook-up outside of that party never happened. It was not because of his suggesting that I come out publicly. Although, it should have been the 1st sign of his being a know-it-all who talks too much as all know-it-alls do. It was about something else completely in which he unjustifiably showed himself to be a know-it-all. Therefore, an annoyance in the long run.

So while that might have caused me to postpone my coming out publicly with my HIV status, part of what definitely kept me quiet is that so many people have come out as HIV+. To the point that as I said in my speech at “I Still Remember”, saying you’re HIV+ is for me now just stating a matter of one’s being. Then I realized that while that may be the case, that too few of those faces of healthy HIV+ males in the media are those of Black men. Of course, they exist, but the biggest names in gay media still being the racist behemoths that they are still paint white and light complexioned males as the heroes of our society. Meanwhile, I have either heard tales and/or been eyewitness to some of these white/light faces partaking of the very same unhealthy practices that I speak against. So where are the many healthy Black males to disprove the negative stigma of what HIV looks like? And do so without the hypocrisy that the racism of many gay media outlets allow white/light males?

Too few on both counts. 

And I believe that is what incited that conversation with myself to make World AIDS Day 2018 be the day I publicly admitted to being HIV+.

So now that I have put the truth out there, I know I have incited many questions. Many questions about some things I've said in the past about safe sex, barebacking, HIV, and STIs. Well, let me warn you... we are talking about ME here. So while you may think you can surmise an answer, you will likely find you need to talk to me a little more for the correct and honest answer.

For that reason, I am open to emails, interviews, discussions as a moderator, guest speaker, or participant to expand on this. Plus, I am realizing that this revelation is an opportunity to expand on my knowledge I can share as a sex educator.

So let the expansion begin....

Come See Me: Sex/Intellect - Same Body, Same Mind

Since 2011, I have been invited to read poetry at The Rainbow Book Fair's COME HEAR! Poetry Salon.

It is an invitation I consider an honor, and for that, I have always graciously accepted. So the invitation to read this year is no different.

For the last few years, I have tried to make my 5-minute appearance within those 6 hours mean something. Something that will linger after I have walked away from the microphone/podium. Last year, I did it better than ever with the poem "Beauty To 44 & 5 Despites". I was constantly stopped by other poets and guests thanking me for addressing the way under-discussed topic of ageism in the gay community. And for that, I thank all who have viewed the viewed the video I did of me reciting the poem shortly after.

With that said, this year, I'm combating how here in America, we as a whole have a problem looking at a person as an intellectual being, as well as a sexual being in the same space and time. Over the years, I've often felt this was why I never saw fans of mine at both my appearances at Will Clark's Porno Bingo and the discussions I've moderated for Men of All Colors Together. This makes us hypocrites in how we present ourselves to the world, for Americaas a whole is nowhere near as evolved as we present ourselves. And I would like to change that. So my plan is to do 2 poems. Two (2) poems that make it unavoidable to see me as both a intellectual and sexual being because there is no break in my 5 allotted minutes.

So what poems can you look forward to for me to accomplish my goal?

Praising Missionary, which is a sexy (sometimes raunchy) foreplay poem about being a bottom, and proud to do so in missionary position.

The necessity for this poem is because "thanks" to porn, both being a bottom and missionary position are seen by many in our community to be ones of weakness, worthy only of disrespect. If you think I'm lying, look at the profiles of bottoms on hook-up sites, and how the bottoms at backrooms and sex parties (too often) allow themselves to be treated. So with this poem, I'm using erotica to instill a much needed mutual respect between bottoms and tops, primarily in the missionary position. With the bottom having the rare chance in any art form to initiate demands for that intimacy.

We Are Armed (H.I.V.E. Soldiers) is my poetic declaration written for those who are HIV+ and their allies.

It's to be their stand against those who are show prejudice towards those with HIV.

I'm scheduled to be on from around 3:15 - 3:20 pm. So if you're in NYC on April 9th, I hope to see you there. And while I'm shy, you don't have to be.

Please, feel free to come up to me and say "Hello".

Mike Dozer's Condom Stance Provokes My Reiteration

I read in Attitude Magazine's post about pornstar rapist Mike Dozer's sentencing that he was a former "anti-condom ambassador"?!

Reading that made me feel the need to reiterate my ongoing stance on bareback sex, and why I feel that way.
A term like "anti-condom ambassador" brings to mind the hashtag #BBBH (BareBack BrotherHood). A hashtag I may have used to get the attention of those loyal to that hashtag, but I have never defined myself by it. Nor should you, unless you practice barebacking, are HIV+ , and know your prospective playmate is also, OR you're HIV- , practice barebacking, and just before your hook-up, both you and your prospective playmate just got rapid test reading negative. Otherwise, why would you define yourself that way? Or as an "anti-condom ambassador"? Defining yourself by such terms and not conveying it to your prospective playmate tells me that not only are you a massive risk-taker with your own life, but you do the same with your partners as well.
And with that, plus the pedophilia encouraged by porn films (like those by Nica Noelle), look where that got Mike Dozer.
This is definitely a judgement of barebacking, but not in the way you might think. For even though it was "fashionable" to do so at the time, while I was doing studio-based porn, I never publicly bashed barebacking, nor did I condone it. With that in mind, there was no way you would have found me being one of Chi Chi LaRue's hypocrisy brigade bitches with her hand up their ass screaming "Shut your hole!" 5 years ago while they have profiles on barebacking hook-up sites. So I was glad to be too Black (and too individual enough) to have never reached the height of porn-stardom to have even been asked.
My stance on barebacking has always been that it's a matter of choice. This is me repeating myself to my long time readers, but I've long felt that condoms are unnatural, because there should not be a barrier between you and your sex partner. HOWEVER, we must consider using condoms because of all of the STIs one can catch. So if one (myself included) gets infected with anything, he should be a man and accept those consequences.
I have long gotten flack for this position on the matter. In fact, during my discussion "Gay Porn: Teacher, Indicator, or Both?", when the issue of barebacking in gay porn came up, I expressed this position, and got into a heated exchange between a guy in the audience claiming to be a counselor. He seemed to have gotten so heated that during the intermission a few minutes later, he never returned. Although, that was before Truvada being used for PrEP was not so widely known or accessible. So even though I didn't need others supporting my view to validate it for me then or now, I'm sure I now have more supporters on my stance.
Anyway, I've admitted to barebacking. I've admitted that some of my homemade videos are barebacking videos. But I am not so loyal to my feeling that condoms are unnatural that I'm not going to take precautions with strangers. However, there have been occasions where I have barebacked with a stranger. Hence why I'm not a harsh judge of someone who is usually firm on condom use, and having a slip from their regimen. For sex is meant to be spontaneous. So what I am critical of is a condom-user who falters, and tries covering it up by publicly giving harsh criticism to barebackers, while never once publicly admitting to their personal misstep in their sexual practice. That's why you should never trust someone that critical of someone who barebacks. They're often epitomizing the old saying..."Doth protest too much".
What has prevented Mike Dozer's story from becoming my story is the fact that I have never gotten so caught up in the turning a blind eye and false sense of sexual entitlement bestowed upon porn actors that I've lost my sense of what is morally right and wrong. Or my sense of what is right and wrong in the eyes of the law. Fooling myself into believing that there are no consequences for my actions. And that is what you have in all areas of Mike Dozer situation. From his pursuing a minor to his attitude towards condom use. To the point he could proudly wear a t-shirt that says "Condoms are for pussies."
All one can do is shake their head at that.

The Expendable Gay Male

Why are so many gay males single?

It is a question often asked, but no one seems to have a real concrete answer. And if they do come up with one, they often do the talk, but not the walk. Well, while I am not perfect, I plan on letting this post show that what I say here comes from being both the wronged, as well as the wrong-doer. So I have learned my lesson. And by the end of this post, you'll learn how we can discuss this further in person.

Whether you meet a guy in a bar/club, at a sex party or backroom, or via an online hook-up it has become a norm that we have come to accept and display behavior to one another that says:

"I got horny, hit you up online (or left the bar/club with you), fucked, and never thought that for one second I owed you the courtesy of treating you like anything more than a hole to stick my dick in and/or a stick to tickle the nerve endings in my ass tunnel with. So excuse me for acting like that moment and night never happened, and/or not remembering your name. It's because in short, you weren't human to me. You were an expendable object simply there to satisfy my horniness. And I used you because I got sick and fuckin' tired of using my hand and sex toys. And for some unforeseen reason, you just happened to be a hole or stick that came with a pulse."

And hook-up websites and apps have only exasperated this problem. For they take away the face-to-face human interaction once required for a hook-up, which made us more human, therefore less often seen as expendable. Also, many gay males lessen their manhood by saying things like a guy named Douglas said to me,"Hey, it's a hook-up site. You take it too literally and too personally. It is what is and will always be just that. It's not the Love Connection with Chuck Woolery."

Keep in mind that Douglas is a minister-in-training. So with an attitude like that to exonerate himself from being dismissive of one's time, body, and emotions in a hook-up, only a fool would go to his ministry. For his statement is waaaay less embodying of those of a man worth being called a "minister". But I digress.

Anyway, just because the idea of dismissing the person as existing after doing the deed is considered "protocol", that doesn't make it right.

(If you think it does, come to my discussion on 1/23/15 and I'll give you an indisputable example to solidify this point.)

Now, I'm not saying that after a hook-up that you have to date, then call a realtor, because you're immediately a couple. What I am saying is that from the moment that guy either clicks on your online profile, approaches you at a sex party, touches you in a backroom, lust for you in a bar/club, or so much as kisses you in any of the aforementioned places, it is your God-ordained right to demand that he remembers the fact that first and foremost, YOU ARE A HUMAN BEING. So after sex, he should not be allowed to treat a Fleshlight or Tenga Flip-Hole with more respect than he treats you.

And if it's not those instances that gay males are using as a means to treat one another as expendable. It's circumstances like color/ethnicity, age, and even HIV status.

I've went over color/ethnicity enough times that I don't have to go there in great detail right now. If you're new to this blog, you can easily click on one of the links under "Category", and you can easily find stories to support how we are ostracizing each other for no good reason.

The same can also be said regarding HIV status as a means to treat one another as disposable. I also went over this in great detail in the blog post, "The 'Are You Clean?' Challenge".

What many gays don't seem to realize is that all of this ostracizing makes for bad Karma. Bad Karma punishing us for that dehumanizing treatment, which in turn makes many gay males end up alone. And Karma being the tricky bitch that she is will get you. For even after you think you've found the "love of your life", Karma makes you pay by taking that love away. It's payback for however many times you didn't show simple human courtesy to a person you shared your body with.

There is always that parent, family member, former friend, or job that distances themselves from us after we come out. However, that cannot be used as an excuse as to why so many gay males do it to each other, then end up alone and lonely in our old age. We have to start breaking the cycle of belittling.

And it won't stop until we address how it exist, and act humanely to one another to counter it. Hence why I will be continuing this in a discussion I'm moderating on January 23rd at the LGBT Center in NYC. There I will give more details to my stories, and give you the floor to tell some of your own. So until then....

The "Are You Clean?" Challenge

It has been 12 years since I came out to myself and have been sexually active. And one question that has bothered me for damn near all of those 12 years is the question, "Are you clean?"

My annoyance with this question started with my sexual encounter that I told in a blog post I wrote for Men of Color Blog 3 years ago entitled "Solving Enigmas From The Stigma". Since that incident happened back in 2003, that means that I've been carrying around this annoyance without publicly addressing it for over a decade now.

What makes me feel the need to address it now is because of the disrespect I feel when asked that question. My feeling is that whether you are HIV- or HIV+, if someone asks you, "Are you clean?", as long as you have done the 3 S's (shit, showered, and shaved), then you have every right to answer with a "yes", and should feel no shame about it. For if they can disrespectfully word a question, they don't deserve the answer they are actually fishing for so they can claim a false sense of sexual superiority.

I've come to realize, especially at this point in this stage of HIV's history, if you are using condom, there is no need to even ask someone's HIV/STI status. It's like if 2 straight people hook-up, if there's to be condom use, a woman doesn't ask a man if he has sperm in his semen, a man doesn't ask a woman if she has eggs, and neither ask "Are you clean?". Why? Because the need to ask those questions were alleviated when the 2 of them decided to use a condom, and/or some other contraception. So if any such question is asked, then they shouldn't be fucking. And the same goes for a gay male. So for gay males to do so is another way where we become our own worst enemy. It says that we're so self-loathing that we see ourselves as the diseased freaks the conservative right wing has made us out to be. Furthermore, the idea of questioning status among casual sex partners was initiated when not as much was known about HIV, nor was it at its present level of being treatable. So to ask the question of status today is not for peace of mind. It's because our society has not evolved with the changing, but improving facts of HIV. Therefore, HIV+ people are still branded with a "scarlet letter". So people are looking for that aforementioned false sense of sexual superiority.

Also, while some are not using the word "clean" to mean HIV-, but instead using it to mean "STI-free", it makes no difference. You are still on that same search for fake sexual superiority.

With all that said, I am including myself in those guilty parties back in 2003 in the hook-up from "Solving Enigmas From The Stigma". I had 100% intention of using a condom like I actually did anyway. So there was no reason for me to even ask him his status. My asking was not to seek a feeling of superiority. It was instead out of my own selfish curiosity of coming face-to-face with an HIV+ person, which in a way made him a social guinea pig for my personal experiment. But I was new to the art of hooking up at the time, and have since matured. So for that, if I could see him today, or if he's reading this, I wholeheartedly apologize.

The question of HIV status is a question to demand when you are going into a relationship, or if you plan to play bareback. However, even playing bareback, guys lie. It can be because unless you got a test immediately before fucking, you don't truly know, or it can be out of sheer maliciousness. For there are many HIV+ people who are at peace with their HIV status, take their medication so they have undetectable viral loads, and take care of themselves enough that if you play bareback with them, you are at less risk of HIV or any STI than you would be with someone claiming to be negative. Meanwhile, there are other HIV+ people who are not on medication, and such refusal makes their viral load through the roof. So in their misery, seek to infect others by lying about their status when asked.

Why did I say "disrespectful wording" earlier? It's because that's exactly what it is. For let's examine who usually uses the word "clean" to mean HIV- and/or STI-free:

a)people with racial hang-ups;
b)who do drugs, but if HIV-, have been lucky thus far;
c)alcoholics;
d)people whose claimed sexual taste are based on porn-induced age and racial roles;
e)someone who is possibly married, therefore cheating.
and the most common of them all,
f)someone you meet for a hook-up at a bar/club, sex party, online, or for some other outing for that becomes a one-night stand who easily for no good reason, acts like the sex never happened;

And the list of fucked-up mindsets goes on and on. My point is...that while you may be HIV-, while you may be STI-free, calling yourself "clean" does not compensate for the fact that because of you practicing one or more of those things that make you call a guy "clean", your soul obviously is NOT clean. So the words "Are you clean?" is a means for such HIV- guys to feel a false sense of sexual superiority when they actually are not only no better, but may actually be worse due to a void in their humanity. For sex, and your mind are very much intertwined. That's why it has long been said that the brain is the greatest sex organ.
 
Let me be clear, that a one-night stand does not have to become a date. However, unless you accept that downtrodden logic that says "that's what men do", you'll never realize that any person who dismisses you without reason after they've shared their body with you has that massive void in their humanity. And I say this as someone who has some of the guys I've written sexcapade blog posts about still on my Facebook friends list, and still chat with from time to time.

Now, back to the original point of this post. Those still desperate to feel sexually superior and hate on HIV+ people have completely ignored what I said in the beginning of this post of how long I've felt this way, and will try twisting my viewpoint to mean that it I at some point became HIV+ as well. Well, considering how my position on this matter started with me as a newly sexually active HIV- person, whether or not I've maintained that HIV- status is relevant only to my suitor(s), but irrelevant to you. For if I am HIV-, then that means I have a degree of compassion that makes me more humane than you. And if I am HIV+, then that means I'm now in a position to practice publicly what I've preached privately for over a decade. So either way, I have nothing to be ashamed of. But since being "superior" is your goal by using the phrase "are you clean?", you however are still a total failure at being superior, regardless.

There is so much in-fighting within the gay community that needs to stop. If it's not ageism, it's racism, and if it's not racism, it's sexism. All of it makes our community as a whole continue the chain of oppression started from the conservative right wing for centuries. Well, we need to catch up with the times, and give one another the love and acceptance that gay media keeps demanding from the conservative right wing.

In short, again I say,...PRACTICE WHAT WE PREACH...Don't you think?