Like You - See All Gays As Sexual Equals

There have been enough instances in which my medium to dark-complexioned self will see a white or light-skinned guy check me out, look like they want to talk to me, or just fuck and be my top, but never make a move. However, they have no problem approaching a white or light-skinned guy to become their top, or approach a medium to dark-skinned guy to be his bottom.

Another instance I have seen often is a white or light-skinned guy who claims to be completely versatile or a versatile bottom, and while he might seem to be open to playing with guys of various colors/ethnicities, his urge to top never seems to surface with medium to dark-complexioned males. Instead, his urge to top only happens with white and light-skinned males.

These are definite displays within sexual racism.

Sexual racism is not just saying, "I'm not into <insert color/ethnicity here>". It is also limiting a person of a certain color/ethnicity to being only one specific sexual role. Such as the porn-induced idea that if a medium to dark-complexioned black male is to have sex with a white or light-complexioned person, that medium to dark-skinned guy can only be a top.

Also, the idea says that black males within that hue must be aggressive in their topping. Aggressive in a way that to the sane eye borders on sexual brutality and rape. A style that is a sexualization of white guilt demanding punishment. So if it's in porn today, then that means the porn producers and directors are problematic creatures in the mix. And the performers regardless of color are also problematic. Prove every bit as to why I think of most porn actors as a past poem states, "Fuckable Body,..Unlovable Soul".

I know some are quick to say that there are more blacks bottoming in porn now. Yes, there are, but not many. Nor do they have a variety of looks like their white counterparts. And before I continue, take note:

The few porn scenes that you see of blacks bottoming would have never come to be if I didn't speak up about it during my time doing studio-based porn under the name "Tré Xavier", as I pointed out in an article on my "Calling Out Ass Holes" Tumblr . In short, there would be no them if there was no me. 

So I started needed conversations then, and I am starting needed conversations now.

While I did write that article and see the slight changes, it hasn't changed the overwhelming racist sexual expectations of many white and light-skinned males enough. Like most forms of racism, it is so indoctrinated into all of our minds that most people of every color don't realize they're exemplifying it. That includes the black males playing the roles of the overly aggressive.

In most possible sexual encounters, I am still expected to be a top to a white/light person. Never mind the fact that my bubbly ass makes me much more desirable as a bottom than my proportionate dick does as a top.

Still, white/light-complexioned guys, (even when they are over 6 feet tall) come to my 5'6" 145 -160 lbs. frame having me being their top be their initial ass-umption. Meanwhile, a white/light-skinned male with the same height and weight and front and back endowments is either negotiated with about their position, or immediately assumed to be a bottom.

If you have problems with the white guy being assumed to be a bottom, then you are missing the point. For the point is at least there is multiple choice of how a white/light-skinned guy is approached. I, as a medium to dark-skinned Black man, don't get that same multiple choice. In any case, it's a clear sign that there is some racial profiling about medium to dark-skinned black males with their sexuality, and it needs to be addressed.

Of course that needed talk won't happen when the ignorance of many white/light-skinned guys is so obvious around us. It is shown in them doing studio-based porn. It is shown in the porn they do to show on Twitter, Chaturbate, OnlyFans, and the like. And it is shown by those not doing any kind of porn at all.

If you think I'm wrong, and are ready to give the prostituting stereotypical gay porn actor a pass by saying that he was paid to do that, then explain his OnlyFans, JustForFans, 4MyFans, etc.! If a white/light-skinned guy does studio-based porn as well as porn on those fansites, you practically never see him top a medium to dark-complexioned male on those fansites. What is so telling of how brainwashed and racist they actually are is the fact that the purpose of those sites for them is to do things without the puppet strings of a studio-based porn producer and director. Yet, there they are. Still under the puppet strings. Being another white/light whimpy, wincing bottom over the black dick that has sold out to yet another white person's desire to fetishize them.

With that said, just because you're a white guy doing 1 or 2 scenes for NoirMale, your run back to your all-white world still exposes you are a racist. OR because you have signed up to be the latest token black male topping white boys for CockyBoys, you're still a sellout and part of this problem. Neither scenario (or one like it) exonerates any guy of any color as to how much they are another lump of feces floating around in a septic tank. Thereby further exasperating this problematic imagery.

And yes, as much as the gay porn industry tries to deny accountability for how we gay males see each other sexually, I still beg to differ and cite porn as both a teacher and indicator. Based on the facts I am presenting here, disgustingly more so, teacher.  

This is why when we speak of "not being into" a person of a certain ethnicity or color, we must ask ourselves if our feeling that way is naturally us as an individual, or if something outside of our nature influenced that definition of beauty. White entitlement and the spoiled brat mindset it enables causes many white males to refuse to do that pause and look within. Hence why they are the quickest to call their racism "preference".

And colorism being a branch of racism that makes the gay community like Pre-Civil Rights Movement America entices many light-skinned people of color to play along for acceptance.

Now, black males are by no means exonerated from blame in this problem. After all, the black porn actors (past and present) in such interracial scenes, and the black gays who heed to the call of such white/light males to play what I call the "gorilla nigger" are willing participants. I am proud to say that I am not one of those black guys. I have probably lost most of the white/light guys I've dated because of it. If so, their loss will one day be a real man's gain.

Hence the need for this poem. We are about to head into the year 2021. So by now we should all be seen more as equals in all ways, and that includes sexually. Yet we are not, and that need to stop TODAY.

Why I Still Love Gay Sex Substance-Free As I Near 50

This year I turn 49 years old. That's just one year away from me being 50. Half a century old. Well, in recent months, I have come to realize that I am enjoying sex a lot more. Even when writing Evolution of My Bottoming and Evolution of My Toppping, I was unaware that this growing love of sex was happening. What makes me most proud of it is the fact that this joy is achieved without any kind of  substances. No poppers. No alcohol. No marijuana. And nothing harder. This joy of sex from foreplay to orgasm is made from a clear mind.

So with substance-abuse being too much a common part of gay sex, I decided to take a step back and think about what got me to this point. And what can I say for others in my age, or will at some point become my age, feel inspired to follow so they can have the same joy. I'm not going to promise you that some of these reason won't be controversial, but like I said, they got me to this point. Maybe they can do the same for you in some way.


I came out late
Over the years of questioning my sexual orientation, I observed and listened to various aspects reported in the media of gay male sexuality by gay males. This allowed me to decide if I ever came out as gay or bisexual what I wanted out of my gay sexual encounters. Instead of like many gay males who come out young, listening to a more seasoned gay male who is very likely jaded and doing various physically and mentally unhealthy means to escape past traumas that have left scars on the body, heart, and mind.

This is not to say that coming out young is a guarantee of you not coming up with a list such as mine. But my observations have shown me that it is not common for a young gay male to make such a list for themselves. They often follow the aforementioned wrong path young, then grow old still following it, and passing it on to the next generation of gays. Hence the massive substance-abusing dysfunction that plagues the LGBTQ+ community today.

I've gotten over my prostituting moments
Unfortunately, prostitution is a commonality in the gay male community. Ignorant and often hypocritical parents push their children towards prostitution by throwing them out of the house when the child is discovered to be any degree of gay. Also, other (usually older) gay males exploit them with prostitution through gay nightlife, porn, and escorting sites. This leaves that gay male to survive by turning the only thing they have left into a commodity--- their body.

No one of mentally and emotionally sound mind sets out to be a prostitute. So prostitution is what a mentally and emotionally healthy person resorts to when they are broken down by the world around them, and backed into a financial corner. Sadly, the older gay males in our community, particularly those on the down low and the older gays selling out the younger gays don't want our community as a whole to ever realize that. That is why the escorting sites are allowed a place in many Gay Pride Marches.

The problem is as someone who was never an escort, but had prostituting moments in his porn and go-go dancing career, I am too aware of what that life does to one's psyche.

I have written a number of times about how much I loathed the gay-for-pay bitch in denial, Double R, who I got stuck working with in my scene for "Love of the Dick IV". His antics made him nothing I wanted to have sex with, yet out of a need for the underpaid rate ethnic studios pay their models, I did it. That prostituting moment haunted me for quite awhile. Resulting in me often having flashes of it during a sexual encounter in which I was feeling great joy. This especially would happen during encounters in which I was topping. Resulting in me losing my erection.

Keeping that result in mind, what do you think would happen to someone who makes such joyless sexual encounters their everyday? Like an escort. Making sex a chore, instead of a means for pleasure. A compartmentalizing that is contradictory to what sex was made for. One would have to use something, like drugs or alcohol to lessen the reaction to or totally repress flashbacks of such encounters. And do note that the more times you do it, the more flashbacks you're setting yourself up for having. Hence why substance abuse is such a commonality in any sex work void of sexual attraction. And sadly, such emotionless sex work is a commonality in prostituting, being a porn actor, or being a go-go boy.

When I told a friend about those flashbacks, he suggested that I seek professional help for it. I paused considering it for just a second. Because not to be the media-proposed black male refusing mental health assistance, I realized it was unnecessary for me. For in that revelation to him, and numerous times prior on my social media formats, I realized by that point that I no longer had the flashbacks. I had self-therapized through my writing.

This is why if you've seen me in recent months at a sex party/backroom as a top, then you've seen me enjoying my bottom for a good while. Not abruptly stopping like I used to, which was before because a memory flash killed my hard-on. Now, such abrupt stopping is because the bottom overdosed on poppers and/or he's a size queen that never does kegels so his hole is too lose to pleasure me.

With that said, the reason I am growing in my love of sex as I get older is because I no longer have to repress a flashback to that trauma from surfacing. Nor do I have to block out a reaction to one.

I believe in God, but not religion
Another cause of substance abuse for many gays is because they are trying to repress hearing the anti-gay teachings of their parents and/or religious leaders. If you've read my poem and backstories about the guy I refer to as "Poppered Preacher", he claimed to love poppers, and do recreational use of meth... He was studying to be a minister when we met. But further proving the hypocrisy of religion, he is actually a minister now.

Besides him, I have yet to meet a gay male who has close ties to a church or religion who does not partake of some kind of substance abuse, and that includes poppers. This is not to say that it's impossible for one to exist, but it thus far seems extremely rare. The reason for that rarity is because they need to tune out the voices telling them that their love of gay sex is wrong. Like with prostituting, they need to repress the voices, or avoid reaction to them.

My attempt of belonging to a church to house my belief in God ended with Poppered Preacher. And while I had already come to a point of hearing less of a voice damning me for my love of the male form (heart, mind, body & soul), it really became silenced after he incited me putting that final nail in the coffin of religion.

So like I've said in that article and many social media posts, I still believe in God. To the point that I will not date a guy who doesn't believe in God. But my belief in God is not confined to me following a religion or church.

I don't play games
Many gay males play games in their sexual conquest. It's a subconscious overcompensation to give a big "FUCK YOU" to those who said that we are "less than" because we are some level of gay; because we gay males, instead of using our dicks to create children with and give pleasure to the opposite sex, we use our penis (and butts) to give pleasure to another male. In short, being man enough to live that truth. Unfortunately, many of us undo that earned manhood each time we treat each other as disposable entities to proclaim our sexual worth.

These issues can contribute to anyone of any color as to why they partake of substance abuse during sex. However, there is one thing that can incite substance abuse during sex that I just realized its existence over New Year's. Thereby also realizing the many ways it spares me.

I am not white, or the socially acceptable light-complexioned
For New Year's, I traveled all the way from NYC to Lancaster, PA to be with someone who I thought was a friend. A true friend with benefits. He is white, the same age as me, and looked good for his age, so I thought. On the night I arrived, when we were supposed to be having sex, he was doing marijuana, cocaine, and to my surprise, meth. I will admit that I did partake of the former 2 of the 3. Being true to how I've always said that my sex partner is my only high, my partaking was not out of a "necessity" for a high. It was instead because even though I've had enough experiences to know the answer, I was still wondering if I'm missing something in asking: WHAT IS THE PAY-OFF TO DRUG USE DURING SEX?

This time around however, I finally realized that while there is still no pay-off, I was and always will be missing a trait as to what drives the "necessity" in people like him...

I'm not white. Nor am I light-complexioned.

I'm sure you're wondering what that has to do with anything. The fact is that it is naturally ingrained in our DNA that none of us are any better than the other. Especially because of color. However, just about every aspect of the gay community and the media influencing it is run by insecure, racist white males. And they advise every white male to pride themselves on their being white.

Focus on the colorism within racism, and you also have light-complexioned people of color assuming the same kind of behavior. For I have long said that the racism in the gay community makes the gay community like Pre-Civil Rights Movement America. Where light-complexioned people are given preferential treatment and the preferred color over medium to dark-complexioned people in regards to sex appeal.

This makes sexual conquest much more obtainable for both white and light-complexioned people. However, as with all things so easily accessible, the people become spoiled. Taking the sex and the person they have acquired for granted. Treating them as disposable entities. That's why in sexually permissive spaces, white and light-complexioned males jump from one person to another way more easily, without the slightest bit of remorse over wasting that person's time. Meanwhile, a medium to darker person of color finds a person of interest, and wants to hold on to them for a bit. Yet to a white/light person willing to take them for granted, they can come off as being overly possessive.

In any case, being the socially acceptable color can eventually make a white/light person’s easy access to sex become old. Sex will lose its excitement and be nowhere near as stimulating substance-free as it was in their younger days. So they start to believe they need a new sensation to give sex a boost. That new sensation could be from anything from poppers, marijuana, or harder drugs, like cocaine, heroine, or crystal meth. Like in the aforementioned situation I had.

When I find someone I desire to have sex, I have less of a false sense of being sexual royalty plaguing my mind. I already don't fit the mold simply because I'm Black. But I am not altering my appearance with the intent to fit the racist white porn-induced idea of a "beautiful black male" either. For with my small frame, there's also my refusal to shave my head as a means to remove my African descent. So be my encounter in private or in public, I'M FREE. Your typical white/light male does not have that luxury. If they are not expected to at least be a certain body type, they are always expected to choose a certain color and body type and behave a certain way during sex. In addition to their encounters becoming boring, these added pressures also contributes to the substance abuse during sex.

This is not to say though that a white/light person can't have the same growing joy of sex that I do. Just as racist imagery makes some black males ignorantly pride themselves on their large penis, white/light males have to stop priding their conquest on their white/light skin. For that is enabling both racism and colorism, to which the karma for anyone of any color is emptiness and loneliness. Even during the act of sex.


Sex is a natural act, and the pleasure from it is to be obtained naturally. However, you diminish how naturally that pleasure is obtained when you add lack of self-identification, as well as religious ghosts, ego-stroking head games, and attitudes of entitlement to the mix. For all of those things will have you seeking a way to numb your conscience from reacting to them. Then you will have to ask yourself if that pleasure is real. For how actual was that pleasure when the only part you remember is the substance you took to get in the act. Yet you remember little to no specifics of the pleasure itself.

So the best thing to do is to rid yourself of that mental and emotional baggage to make yourself a better lover, and overall,... a better you. And part of that being a better you is to remember that just because you're getting older, that doesn't mean that the joy of sex has to get old,...and boring.

The DISrespect of "BBC" for OVAH! Mag

In case you didn't already know, in addition to this blog, I also guest blog for 3 others: Kiiroo, Thotyssey, and now, OVAH! Mag.

My recent submission to OVAH! Mag is the very important and quite under-discussed topic of a black male being referred to as "BBC". It is under-discussed for a malicious reason, and my article examines why among other negatives regard that terminology.

So please check it out:

https://ovahmag.com/2019/11/bbc/

I'm HIV+: No Bravery Applause Required

I always knew the day of me going public with my HIV+ status would come. My original plan was to come forward with it within in the pages of my autobiography that I have long been working on. But at the rate I’m going, scientist might actually find a cure by then, which would make not much need for the revelation. 

The thought to come forward with this revelation came when I got an invitation for Vladimir Rios’ exhibit of “I Still Remember” to be held at his gallery La Via Galerie in Livingston, NJ on World AIDS Day, December 1, 2018. I was one of the models in the photo narrative. The invitation also offered some guests to speak. Upon reading this, a conversation with myself started. It said: 

“NOW!” 

“’Now’ what?” 

“Now is when you’re going to publicly reveal that you’re HIV+” 

The idea of going public with my HIV status is not a new one for me. It is actually been a thought of mine for a long time. What might have caused a postponement was a potential playmate being a know-it-all.

He was someone I met at a condom-only party. We made out, I went down on him, giving him a mind-blowing blowjob, then we cuddled and chatted in the afterglow. During that conversation, I mentioned my day job and my being a sex educator via my blogging, which piqued his interest even more. We exchanged numbers to hook up one-on-one, then one night, we chatted via text. He said that outside that condom-only sex party that he liked to play raw, so he wanted to know my HIV status. I told him the truths of how 1)the joy of playing raw was mutual, and; 2)that my being positive, but undetectable. After disclosing my HIV status, I confided in him that I often considered going public with my HIV status.

Well, I have always said that my brain works like a both a male and a female's. Confiding in him with my thinking about coming out publicly with my HIV status was my female thinking, as females just tend to vent, and not necessarily seeking a solution. The male thinking is what this guy did. He considered my venting as an ask of "What should I do?", when even if I was seeking advice, the right thing to do was to recluse himself from giving it because he was in no position to offer a suggestion.

For he was HIV-. Therefore, he has no first-person experience as to what I have to consider by publicly coming out as HIV+. The most he may have ever done is watch someone else’s life from the outside looking in. And coming out as HIV+ is very much like the coming out as gay, bisexual, pansexual, transgender, etc. An outsider can demand that you be honest with yourself, but they cannot by any means so much as suggest when you tell such a truth about yourself to the outside world. Especially, if you’re a public persona on even the smallest level. 

Well, for the record, that hook-up outside of that party never happened. It was not because of his suggesting that I come out publicly. Although, it should have been the 1st sign of his being a know-it-all who talks too much as all know-it-alls do. It was about something else completely in which he unjustifiably showed himself to be a know-it-all. Therefore, an annoyance in the long run.

So while that might have caused me to postpone my coming out publicly with my HIV status, part of what definitely kept me quiet is that so many people have come out as HIV+. To the point that as I said in my speech at “I Still Remember”, saying you’re HIV+ is for me now just stating a matter of one’s being. Then I realized that while that may be the case, that too few of those faces of healthy HIV+ males in the media are those of Black men. Of course, they exist, but the biggest names in gay media still being the racist behemoths that they are still paint white and light complexioned males as the heroes of our society. Meanwhile, I have either heard tales and/or been eyewitness to some of these white/light faces partaking of the very same unhealthy practices that I speak against. So where are the many healthy Black males to disprove the negative stigma of what HIV looks like? And do so without the hypocrisy that the racism of many gay media outlets allow white/light males?

Too few on both counts. 

And I believe that is what incited that conversation with myself to make World AIDS Day 2018 be the day I publicly admitted to being HIV+.

So now that I have put the truth out there, I know I have incited many questions. Many questions about some things I've said in the past about safe sex, barebacking, HIV, and STIs. Well, let me warn you... we are talking about ME here. So while you may think you can surmise an answer, you will likely find you need to talk to me a little more for the correct and honest answer.

For that reason, I am open to emails, interviews, discussions as a moderator, guest speaker, or participant to expand on this. Plus, I am realizing that this revelation is an opportunity to expand on my knowledge I can share as a sex educator.

So let the expansion begin....

What's In My Sex Party/Backroom Pouch?

If you've ever seen me at either a sex party, or bar event with a backroom, then you may have noticed me wearing a pouch on my belt, or one gartered around my right thigh. If so, you might have wondered what's inside that pouch. Well, if you've been either my playmate, or a voyeur watching closely, then you already know the answer....

It's mainly condoms and lube.

If you have ventured to such play spaces, then you have definitely been ear witness to some guy saying, "Anybody got any lube?", or unless it's a bareback sex party, "Anybody got a condom?"

With such being the case, and me coming well-prepared (therefore supplied), you would think that I would be the 1st to offer lube, and/or a condom. Well, as much as I try to spread messages leading to great sexual health, guys making a request for condoms and/or lube can go fend for themselves. There are a number of instances leading up to this position on the matter, but hindsight on one in particular is what led the charge.

Some years ago, I was go-go dancing at a Daniel Nardicio party. I witnessed the usual greeting amongst the go-go boys between both, those who did and those who did not know each other. All of them were either white or light-skinned Latino. No matter how shy the other seemed, someone made the 1st move to either greet or introduce themselves to somebody. To every somebody except for me, the only Black go-go boy.

Later on in the night, this muscled up blond and a brown-haired twink were hooking up in the changing area. The blond asked, "Anybody got a condom?"

Being the enabler of everyone practicing safer sex that I was back then, I went into my bag and got him one. I was not turned on by the sex at all. After all, what was there to be turned on by? It was 2 dismissive white boys fucking, while I'm a self-assured Black man whose was then (and now) aware that their dismissiveness of just my presence was a product of their own insecurity. You can look at many a gay porn to see that via its producers and performers. But at the moment, I took pride in helping them have safer sex, and let that override all else.

However, as time went on, and hindsight being 20/20, I realized that I wasted a condom on walking waste products. So I needed to rethink my credo of being Mr. Helpful.

For what they did is no different than what most twinky to muscular white boys, light Latinos, and buffed, big dicked black guys, (in short, porn's idea of beautiful) do all the time at sex parties and backrooms to this very day. They come to the space, even if there are condoms and lube available in the space for them to grab themselves, looking to who is considered "undesirable" to provide them with those condoms and lube. Because as far as they're concerned, the "undesirables" can't get any sex themselves, and desperately need to live vicariously through them, so those "undesirables" will provide whatever the "pretty people" need to fuck.

Before someone tries going there, let me assure you that this is not about envy of how they got some and I didn't. While I am always horny, I have a work ethnic even at a sexual nightlife event. And that work ethic makes my getting laid not be a priority. Nor do I envy someone who gets an opportunity to get laid, and takes it. If it interferes with with their job of being eye candy interacting with the patrons, I'm disappointed in them, but I'm never envious.

And why would I be envious? Besides my past in porn, and waaaay more relevant are my written and unwritten sexual escapades that at least on my end, were done based on a premise other than "Ooh! He's hot!". And at a number that if my gay-fucking was ever put on trial, you would find a courtroom full of subpoenaed witnesses.

So while it's more about quality not quantity, what I take umbrage with is that in these guys' racist eyes, I was seen as one of those "undesirables". "Undesirable" to the point that not only was I deemed un-fuckable, but even worse, unworthy of acknowledging my presence in the vernacular of being work colleagues for that night. The asking for a condom and willfully grabbing it from me of all people showed these white boys to be no better than the black bums I see on the street. Black bums who when they had some money, would always ask me if I was Black American because they thought I was foreign-born, but now that they have nothing, and want some of what I have, I've suddenly become "Brother".

So after enduring so many instances like this, and ending up often getting condoms and samples of lube, I bring my own tools now. And those tools are only for me and my playmate.

I started putting them in such a pouch because I didn't want to be those guys I mentioned before, whose type are still too aplenty today. I didn't want to be one of those guys relying on others who I think are less attractive to do for me what I, as a real man, should be doing for myself. All because I think "I'm pretty, so they should serve me". That's how I would roll if I believed some of the hype about me. So it is how I could roll. However, it's not how anyone should roll.

Now, if the guy is not my potential playmate, he has 1 of 4 choices standing near me:

1. take his chances fucking raw and get an STI, or HIV if they're not on PrEP. As I stated in a post for Thotyssey, there's no shame in getting an STI or HIV. But this outcome is a good comeuppance if their "pretty-boy" laziness makes them squeamish by being still uneducated about HIV/STIs;
2. stop what they're doing to get one of the condoms and/or lube provided by the space;
3. wait for someone who does see themselves as "undesirable", so they do want to live their sex lives through those "pretty people", or;
4. use spit, which actually is not good to do because it is water, which easily absorbs back into the body. Hence why most if not all guys who use spit as lube slowly, but surely kill their brain cells by also using poppers.

That's why I take that pouch with me every time I know I'm going to a sex party, or somewhere with a backroom. Because if I ever forget, those options will then become my options. And I did have one instance in which I was faced with that. To prove again that I practice what I preach, let me reveal that I chose Choice 2. And sometimes, even with my pouch on me, I've done Choice 4 because I was so into the guy. But since I stand firm in my anti-poppers stance, I do eventually stop, and get the lube.

So as most everything  has a backstory, a simple pouch attached to me at sex parties and backrooms is no different. So if and when you see it, you know what it is, what's in it, what sparked its getting there, and what you have to be to me in order to partake of it.😉

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A post shared by LeNair Xavier (@lxtreme1971) on Sep 13, 2018 at 11:26am PDT

The Expected Porn Return Fail, Courtesy of Treasure Island

Back in May, Treasure Island Media tweeted a request for models. I clicked on the link and applied. With all that I have said about the gay porn industry, I'm sure you're wondering why I would do such a thing. Did my desperation for validation return with such a vengeance that I chose to put myself through all that I've said bad about the gay porn industry all over again? Am I that pressed for cash? Or is it a combination of both?

The answer to all of those possibilities is actually a loud and echoing NOOOOOO!!!

I did it partly because due to my firsthand experience in the porn industry, I was feeling I wouldn't be able to further justify my annoyance without trying to get back in it again for a brief moment. Even though standing on the outside looking in as I have been since I announced my retirement in 2009, I see many signs to let me know I made the right decision. But still, I wanted some firsthand confirmation. So as long as I still have a good look, I thought why not go for it. Besides, after all that I have said about the industry and them, the worst they could do is say "No".

Well actually, I filled  out the application on a Friday afternoon (May 11th), and got an email the following Monday morning (May 14th) a little before 9:30 asking me to come in to make an audition video on May 25th. I responded that I was okay with this, and all I needed in response was an exact place and time. A number of days passed with no response. Then after asking again on May 22nd, I finally got a response saying:

Hey LeNair, 

First off let me apologize for the delay in getting back to you. I was out of the office for the better part of last week. 

I reviewed your application with Max Sohl. 

Based on your past interactions together, he has decided decline your application. 

I am sorry for any inconvenience and wish you the best of luck going forward.

With that response, instead of me asking you to read through an entire old blog post to let you know the exactness of that past interaction with Treasure Island Media director, Max Sohl, here are the 1st and 2nd paragraphs of the blog post "Seeking The Silver In The TIM Dim Cloud" that explains it exactly:

"At the end of February, I was attempting to make a brief return to porn. The studio was Treasure Island Media where in one email  to describe the shoot said they were "treating it like a paid audition" with a group of 5 or 6 guys who were all versatile and ready, willing and able to flip-fuck --- and it was a total bust. I can't speak for the others, but for me, I could not perform with someone's body odor reeking in the room. Especially when we were instructed to wear deodorant. As far as I knew, this was not supposed to be a bear shoot where stench is looked upon as a badge of honor. Yet instead of the director telling the person with the body odor to either 'hit the showers, or hit the road', we all had to try to endure that stench, which intensified as the heat in a hotel room rose because of NO AIR CONDITIONING.

This is why if I make an official return to porn, I'm sticking to my rule of knowing my scene partner beforehand, because I let that rule slide once since making it, and look what happens! Had I known this guy would be there I would have probably bailed on the idea of working with him, because I've worked with that guy before at a live appearance, and seen him at parties, and body odor was something I experienced EVERYTIME while being near him..."

So with this incident as my and Max Sohl's past interaction, what is the other reason as to why I took a chance and applied to Treasure Island Media?

It's because, first of all, time has passed. Me and Max Sohl both have had 8 1/4 years to look back on that incident, and ask ourselves if our position during that incident should have been different. Now, over my years of blogging, I have owned up to a good number of my missteps in judgement. However, for the reasons I stated in that old blog post, I had no reason to change. In fact, me changing from that position would be me lowering my standards, and going back to being the stereotypical prey of the sex industry. That prey being the disenfranchised, marginalized, broken, unloved, and self-loathing because of being the aforementioned. All of which are easily manipulated by all parts of the sex industry. From prostitution, to porn, and even sex retail. And me allowing that would be me undoing  all the maturing I have done to give me this much more sense.

This brings me to Max Sohl. He is entitled to not changing or growing. However, it shows an ongoing failure in his character. One that is too common among most porn directors and other heads in the sex industry overall. Making them the predators that they too often are. Thereby justifying the negative stigma about them.

I can't say verbatim, but I can come very close to verbatim as to how on the model application, as I said in the beginning of this post, I made it very clear that I said disparaging things about the porn industry and their company in the past. I also said to them that me accepting an offer from them would be a step in undoing some of the negatives that I have said about the industry and them, and I would be willing to publicly state that.

These statements were clear as day in the comment section of my model application. With that being the case,...

Why was I even offered an audition before my application reached the eyes of Max Sohl? It's because of a very common unorganized sequence I have found in the porn industry. So if I wanted that firsthand confirmation of the gay porn industry still being fucked up, I guess I got it proven with that move from them.

Perhaps Treasure Island Media had that much trust in this casting director, Kyle's judgement. Even so, if you read something from a model application where the applicant admits to saying bad things about the company, common sense should tell you to not give a "yay" or "nay" to the applicant about anything in the casting process until after you have spoken to a higher positioned person. Namely, the higher positioned person those disparaging statements are about. That common sense move was not done here. So my time and professionalism in getting the schedule right was wasted.

If so much as an audition video had happened, I know me returning in front of any studio's camera would raise some eyebrows to those who remember me as "Tre Xavier". It would have been a move that my fans and followers now, which may actually include anti-porn activists, would want to know why.

Even though it's rare, there are times in the porn industry that a big fallout between porn actor and porn company happen, and a reconciliation happens later on down the line. So why wasn't the situation between Treasure Island Media's Max Sohl and myself one of those cases?

Could it be because being that I wasn't what he sees as a "draw"?

After all, if you look at Treasure Island Media's record of black models, it's no different than most white-owned predominately white/light casting porn studios. Having more than 90% of the black males they use playing what I've long referred to as a "gorilla nigger" top to some white and light-complexioned person of color. Fetishizing low self-esteem having black males for a profit. And all that I have stated about the industry, my goal to be a versatile Black man still celebrating bottoming with any color, and my own sexual performance shows that even if I topped for any studio's camera, I would not play that gorilla nigger role. For such a role is a downgrade of me (and anyone who plays it) as a man, and makes one's presence a disrespect to sex overall. Lastly, even with their name in the title and photo on the DVD cover, bottoms in porn are treated as lesser beings primed for abuse. This is especially true of Treasure Island Media, which since this incident I realize is adding substance abuse to their list of abuses. So part of my applying was to give them a more respectable display of bottoms.

In addition to my not playing that negative racist role, the fact that I as an adult entertainer have enough self-esteem to lay down such laws for myself very likely also makes them (and most other porn companies) unwilling to deal with me. Especially when they are white and the knowledge and strength of that potential model is wrapped in medium to dark brown skin, like mine. For it shows that I'm not the sex industry's usual target when a predator is in charge. You see, while I may be part of a group that is disenfranchised and marginalized, I do not present myself as being hurt or broken by it. And that makes the stereotypical predatory head of a sex industry business very uneasy.

I had hoped to see that Max Sohl had grown up, and taken ownership of his fuck-ups in that old situation. As we can see, such is not the case. And it is most likely because porn actors low enough on self-esteem keep coming back. Enduring whatever unpleasant and unhealthy conditions he throws them in, instead of challenging him to do better by them.

Some of you are probably thinking that my calling out guys in the porn industry out like this is why less and less porn companies wanted to work with me, and would not consider taking me in today fi I tried harder for a return to the industry. Well years ago, Chris Steele of Jet Set Men tried saying the same thing to me about not working with me because of all I've said about Tyson Cane's antics on porn sets. And in response, I told Chris' dumb ass the same thing I'm telling yours...

What I've put folks on blast for in the porn industry are acts of ignorance. If you have enough faith in your character, then you know that you would never do the dumb shit I put someone on blast for. Therefore, you would have nothing to be worried about in working with me. So such a statement says more about your lack of integrity and faith in your own humanity than it does about my work ethic and sense of self-worth.

Proof of that statement being true is Ben Marksman, the director of one of my last movies "All Out Assault". After initially meeting at The Gay Erotic Expo of 2007, I gave him this blog's address citing certain posts to tell him what I had experienced in the industry by that point, and what those instances made me come to decide to work with and not work with. So he became fully aware of all I've said about the many directors by name while we were in talks about working together. And he still hired me. Why? Because he had enough faith in his own integrity and character to know that he would never do those things. And that humanity is why he is the only person I met while in the gay porn industry that I am still friends with today.

So you see, I am aware that there are some, but too few decent people in the porn industry.

In closing, if I seem angered by all of this, know that "anger" is not the right word. The correct word is disappointed. Disappointed in the fact that I was once again right about an ill within the adult entertainment industry. You see, as much as most people (including myself) normally want to be right, this is a situation that I would like to for once publicly admit to being wrong. But this outcome shows that day is not today.