Tasting HOT Milk Again

I may have been banned from the sex at 30 Lexington Avenue, but while I'm still single, that hasn't stopped me from attending a good sex party. Especially one that I approve of enough to give its own category to. So much has been going on when I attend a Milk Chocolate NYC party, that as soon as I'm about to write a blog post about it, I go to another party with that gives me more to write. So I thought that I would write this post giving you the highlights of each of the recent parties I attended.

First off, it's been awhile since I had been to a Milk Chocolate NYC party. Between my important blog posts, podcast creating, and severing my ties with Dimitri, the space owner/host of Friday night sex party, Inferno (formerly Olympus, then Testosterone, but always secretly Raw Pork), I pulled away from sex parties and began having more fun privately. You see, sex parties are NOT a must for me to get laid. They're just a live playground for my exhibitionist side.

Week 1: On the 1st trip returning to the Milk Chocolate NYC party, I was getting undressed slowly because I was chatting with the host and the attendants. As I was getting down to my underwear, another patron walked in. The guy looked at me, as if he was checking me out, but I wasn't sure if that was the case. During his time checking in, I realized that this new arrival also knew the host well enough to hold a conversation. And during that conversation, he still occasionally glance over at me, just as he did when he first walked in. I stayed in the check-in area long enough to see him get undressed, and saw that he had a great ass. Having no idea if he was a top, bottom, or versatile, I didn't care. But if he was into me as I had suspected, be it his lips, tongue, dick, and/or ass, I wanted whatever piece of him he was willing to offer.

As soon as I went to the play area, I was approached. I got felt up, and groped. As I was in the midst of this, the new arrival from the front area came back there. I didn't take long for him to be approached either. It quickly became a group thing with the guys on me fooling with the guys on him, then we began making out with each other. So it turns out my suspicion of him being into me was right. While one hand was rubbing the head of the guy sucking my dick, I used my free hand to reach for the new arrival's plump ass. Which was a tough choice to make, because I wanted to fondle his dick, too. But being human, I only have 2 hands, so I had to make do. Eventually, as in most cases such as this, the group broke up, and we went our separate ways.

Later on, me and the new arrival ran into each other again. He knew that I wanted him. He then asked me if I wanted to fuck him. I told him I did. So we went over to the bed, and he laid on his back. Since I immediately positioned myself over him, he thought I was going to fuck him bareback. What he didn't realize was that when I go to sex parties, I bring my own condoms and lube packets and stuff them in my socks. So when he got on his back, he was glad to see one hand reach in my sock for lube, and then reach in the other sock for a condom. I put the condom on and put my hard cock in his tight ass, and started fucking him. I thrusted into him, and it got so passionate that I got closer and closer to his face with each thrust, then kissed him, then buried my head at his side and kissing his neck. And once I got that close, he held me tightly to him. As good as his tight hole felt, this didn't last long.

It didn't last long because of the reason I hate fucking missionary at sex parties. Unknown hands that too often prove to be unwanted hands interrupted us. At their initial touch, I just kept fucking, but once I got a glimpse of who some of these guys were, my dick went limp. So we had to call it quits...for now

After a few playmates later, we ran into each other again. He asked me if I wanted to try again. No doubt in my mind that I did. We went to one of the other beds, and he positioned himself to be fucked doggy-style. I still had a bit of exhaustion from my vigorous fucks with others in between, but I knew I was had enough in me to fuck him some more. But this time to the point of cumming. Then as I tried to enter him, I remembered something I wanted to do so badly that my subconscience made it distract me from keeping my hard-on ---- I wanted to eat his ass. Soon as I started tonguing his hole, my dick got rock hard. So I got back up and started fucking him again. He wanted to jerk off and come, so he got up and went over to the wall, with me still inside him the entire time. I continued fucking his ass and he my dick. Since the space was too small, the guys there couldn't see much of how his ass bounced as I banged into it from behind. So their consolation prize was to get turned on by the slapping sounds of my groin and his bubbly ass constantly colliding. Then he started moaning louder and louder. He was cumming. When he came, his sphincter tightened around my dick, and brought me that much closer to cumming as I was drawing close. So I pulled out, threw the condom into a small wastebasket just to the left of us, jerked off using some of the cum from his freshly creaming dick while kissing him and squeezing his ass, and then I shot my load into the wastebasket. My hand wreaked of jizz afterwards. And I loved the fact that I couldn't tell whose jizz I was smelling.

Afterwards, I finally got to ask him a question I wanted to ask him from the moment I heard him speak. Because of his accent, I asked him where he was from. It turns out he's from Romania. Hmmm, European and seeming to have much less of an aversion to chocolate than American Whites. ...Why was I not surprised? But happier than a pig in slop at the end result.

Week 2: So much happened upon my 2nd trip back since my hiatus. First off, I brought along an FWB of mine. He told me in a chat that the next time I go to a sex party to let him know, because he might want to go. So after the sexy turn out that I saw at my initial return, I felt that he might like this group.

What I wasn't aware of was that my FWB was more of a voyeur at sex parties, which is cool. Not all of us can be show-offs like myself. Hence why, with the exception of my groping his ass while giving him a blowjob at one point, no one got a show of what we've been like together where he fucks my ass so that I need to do Kegels in the shower, in the bed (if I stay over), and on the train ride home. But as it turned out, he did have his own fun. So much so that I never saw him leave. Maybe I was too busy with one of my other moments.

This is not one of the most joyful moments, but it does deserve to be noted as a highlight from the lesson to be learned. At the 1st party of my return, this one, and the next, I was a top. If my FWB wanted to fuck, I would have went back to bottoming in a split second. There was a Black guy there who wanted to top me. He was good-looking, but there was a problem. As I've said before, as a top, I am passionate and aggressive, but my bottom never feels like I'm raping them, which is what I see too many Black guys do, especially when they get hold of a non-Black person. And this Black guy was one of those guys who I witnessed fucking like he was raping his bottom. Later, he asked if I would bottom and I told him most likely not tonight. So when he said if I change to let him know, rather than go into this whole speech about my disapproval of what I saw of him, I just smile and said, "OK".

What I didn't count on was someone from my past showing up who I wanted to bottom for. As soon as this reunion top started to fuck my ass, the Black guy wanted in. I saw the 2 of them talking, while I had an idea, I wasn't sure about what. And if it was what I thought, I wasn't going to be happy about that reunion. Once the reunion top was done, the Black guy was trying to rush into my hole. At no point while bottoming for the reunion top did I acknowledge him there, so this was not at all cool with me. Maybe before showing up at the party, he should have read my Sex Party Etiquette post about this very thing.

After the party, the Black guy was a bit annoyed by how he never got to top me, citing race as the reason. Because you see, the reunion top was White. Truth be told, race was not the reason. Because if he was a White guy fucking his bottoms like that, I still wouldn't have wanted him topping me. Maybe it's what I said in "The Dirty Word Report" about the history of slavery being sexualized, but my observations have seen that overly aggressive brand of fucking to come more so from Blacks.

Also, as it turned out, that discussion between the two of them was actually just what I thought. They were discussing taking turns on me. The problem with this? ...IT'S MY BODY, SO WHEN THE FUCK WAS I GOING TO BE LET IN ON THIS "DISCUSSION". For when I bottom, I'm not one of those self-loathing bottoms who assume the position for any dick to slide on it, so much so that even with a condom, you should fear that the latex of a condom is going to melt on your dick. Because heaven only knows what corrosive combo that nasty bottom has crawling up in him for letting any old dick in. So for treating me as such, the reunion top has very likely had his last reunion fuck with me.

Again, not the best part of the night, but it had to be told as a reminder.

Back to the good stuff. All of the attendants at the Milk Chocolate NYC parties tend to be HOT. And before this last incident transpired, I did get to have fun with one attendant. I was sitting in the lounging area of the party taking a break when this cute guy with red briefs walked in. I almost ignored him, then I realized that he was the new attendant that I was eyeing when I walked in. So when he made his way to the back, I waited a few seconds, then decided my break was over. I found him in the 1st play area after the lounge area just sitting there. In the dim lights, we looked at each other. Nervous of whether or not he was interested, I slowly moved closer. Once I was standing next to him, he started groping me, and I started massaging his muscular shoulders. The more he groped me, the harder I became. And rather than let my dick be confined, I pulled the front of my underwear down and set it free. With this, he started sucking me off. He was actually very good at giving a blowjob. So between that and my hands massaging his beautiful head and body, my dick couldn't help but stay hard. But while I was enjoying the blowjob I was getting, my mouth was salivating to take in his cock and return the favor. So I once he took a slight pause on my cock, I went down on him and engulf his dick. Rubbing every part of his body that my hands could reach, from his ass, to his chest, to his back, to his thighs, to his calves while sucking his dick made me not want to suck him until his sprung his hot man-milk in either my mouth or on my body. However, we stopped before any of that happened, but at least I got the chance to play with like I had hoped from the second I laid eyes on him.

This isn't the 1st time that I've played with attendants at the Milk Chocolate NYC parties. In fact, I've bottomed for a couple. My most loyal readers might in fact remember how this time last year, the attendant I was fucking like rabbits with was Ty from "Sweet Reunions Over Milk Chocolate, Part 2".

Week 3: A tall, fit, hot bubble-butt Latino walked into the farthest and largest play area. When he walked in, he stopped and looked around right by these 2 guys sitting down talking to each other. They saw him the same time I did, and the way they were looking I was sure they were going to make a move right away, but neither of them did. The Latino then left and went to another play area. I though one or both of those 2 guys sitting would try going after him. Still, I tried pacing myself in trying to pursue him. So I waited about 20 seconds, and with neither of the 2 guys trying to go after him, I went to look for him. Evidently, the Latino didn't see anything he liked in the adjacent play area, because he was coming out of it as I was coming out of the farthest play area to look for him. We exchanged glances and "hellos", immediately started feeling on each other. Of course my hands went immediately to his juicy ass. He asked me if I wanted to play, and I'm sure you know my answer. So we went back into the farthest play area. He got on all-fours on the bed in the middle of the room, and I started fucking him from behind.

As I was fucking him, I could feel the eyes of  those 2 guys still sitting on the side burning a hole in my head. The fact that they were both closer to the Latino's body size than I was, I don't know if their stares were out of admiration or envy that my little frame was allowed to bang this big juicy ass that was a nice cushion to my groin with my every thrust. During the time after, I actually wound up fucking one of the guys that was sitting on the side watching.

Later on, I saw the Latino getting fucked in the adjacent play area that he had left when I 1st met him. He was again getting fucked doggy-style, this time on the sofa in that room. Someone was sitting next him, but suddenly left. I took this as a chance to get off on watching him get fucked from another angle besides the one I could see while I fucked him, so I sat in that spot. As soon as the Latino looked over and saw me, he reached for me to suck my dick and kiss me while this other guy was fucking him. Once that guy was done, the Latino then got up, and dressed up my cock, straddled me, and started riding me. I was not expecting this, and it happened so fast. But I don't begrudge that quick ride on my dick for 1 second. For at that moment, I was feeling that soft ass squeeze against my hands and thighs, with his uncut dick flopping against my stomach with each of his bounces.

So what adventures can be experienced at the New Year's Eve party I plan on attending? Well, if you have a fit enough body, maybe you should just send you pics & stats, then come see and experience some sexy adventures for yourself.

LeNair....Trying To Be On Reality TV?

Last year, I was sent a tweet by MTV asking me to apply for a "True Life" episode about sex addiction. Finding it unwarranted, I turned it down.

Recently however, to even my own surprise, I threw my name into the hat to be cast in a reality-tv show. I'm not a big fan of reality-tv. With that being the case, I'm sure you're wondering why would I throw my name in hat then? Well, it's because considering what the casting call asked for, I feel I have a lot to offer in giving the producers of gay media and the American gay community a couple of much-needed new perspectives.

I'm not going to say what exactly the casting call was for. However, if some of you applied for it as well, then you'll know when I give a description of what the casting call asked for.

The casting call asked for gay guys who were young, sexy, and fabulous. If you didn't attend the open-call, it had a website with a long questionnaire, and it required you to include a YouTube link to, or upload a 5 - 7 minute video telling what makes you sexy and fabulous.

I had already completed and thoroughly answered the online questionnaire, but it was almost 2 weeks before I finally got around to making the required video. My procrastinating was over a combination of nervousness over saying the right words and my dreading the tedious task of editing the video after I record it.

This is the finished product:

The "right words" that I was so nervous about were the ones needed to entice the casting directors and producers to present those new perspectives that I mentioned earlier. Those perspectives are regarding race and age.

With race, while gay porn presents Black gay males as overcompensating uber-masculine muscled-up gym-rats, on television, they are often presented as just the opposite - extremely effeminate and flamboyant. Case in point, Logo TV's Black cast members of "RuPaul's Drag Race" and most recently, Phillip on "The A-List: Dallas". I see myself as that overlooked middle-ground that we see of White males, but practically never of Blacks. Hence why I seldom (if ever) relate to the gay Black males you find on television.

In regards to age, the casting said "young", but from the way I seem to sometimes wear out 20-somethings on the dancefloor and in bed, since there was no exact age range specified, I decided to make the "young" in the casting notice mean "young at heart". Besides, while I'm 40 now, look-wise, I can easily blend in with a cast of 20-somethings. After all, that's how I got into porn with most of my scene partners being younger than me anyway. Some almost 15 years younger, but playing in a scene with me as if we were each other's contemporaries. In bringing this point home, I purposely waited until the end of the video the reveal my exact age.

Now, anyone who watches reality-shows knows that drama is a must. And while I'm not a drama queen, there are facets of my personality that can cause drama. Such as my honesty and people's inability to handle that honesty. Trust me, I've dealt with people's inability to handle the truth enough over my (coming up on) 6 years of blogging. So seeing me take people to task to their face would be a sight to see. Which is probably why when I told some friends that I applied to be on a reality-tv show, they were excited without even knowing the slightest bit of the show's premise.

Another drama hotspot could come from casting someone who is presently a gay porn actor and/or escort. With the feelings I've expressed about the present state of the sex industry in posts like "Missing Porn" and most recently, "Giving THANKS To Porn & YOU", that could be another drama powder keg ready to explode, which seems to spells "gold" for most reality-show producers.

When I sent the YouTube link of the casting video to Victor Hoff of MOC Blog, he asked me if I was at all concerned about being cast as the "token Black guy". Truth be told, my answer to that is, NO. Because I'll take being the "token Black guy" if I know that by being my true self, my presence there can open people's minds about being Black, over 30, intelligent, and extremely well-maintained in the gay community without a gym membership and/or spa treatments. Thereby undoing much of the damage done thus far by so much gay media in regards to ethnicity and age.

So please wish  me the best in being chosen so I can make that much needed mark. Thank you.

Bullying - The Next Cry Wolf

“Some people want to die so they can be free”

That’s a line from the bridge of the Prince song, “Controversy”. The sad fact is many of our young people are taking that line quite literally by killing themselves as a way to escape the bullying that they endure today. And I will address the severity of this later. But for now, what I must address is how some, especially some gay activists and their followers lacking a sense of self by jumping on a bandwagon are overusing the word “bullying”.

A couple of weeks ago, someone on Facebook asked this question:

What would you tell yourself to make your 2011 easier if you could go back in time a year ago?

When I read this question, since I like questions that make you think, I took a moment and took stock of the past 12 months of my life. 

 And between working on my poetry series, “The Industry”, presenting the series in January, reading my poetry at the Rainbow Book Fair, invites to model at the Leslie/Lohman Erotic Drawing Studio, appearing in the September issue of Next Door Magazine, and my interview with Swerv Magazine, these past 12 months have almost nothing I want to go back in time to make easier.

However, I must say “almost” because I then realized that there was something that I would go back in time if I could to make 2011 easier. It would be to not give the guy from my poem “Paying (Ends---My ‘Friend’) the time of day. And if you’ve heard or read the poem and its accompanying post, you understand why I feel that way. Hence why my answer to that question on Facebook was as follows:

Stop opening myself up to emotional cripples like "said person". Save my kindness and 2nd chances for someone who UNMISTAKABLY deserves it.

When I said “said person” the fact is not only did I write this guy’s name, but I also tagged it. And when I said before how I wouldn’t give him “the time of day”, I mean that in the most literal sense of the phrase. For me and this guy met at as volunteers at a sex party. During the party, we never spoke to each other. At the end of the party however, after we all got dressed and were preparing to leave, he asked if anyone had the time. Always wearing my watch, I was the one who answered. He was standing across the room from me, and walked over to me while saying “Thank you”, and came over and kissed me. And not just a peck on the cheek or lips, but a full-blown kiss with tongue. And from that night on, we tried making plans to get together to hang out. With me, like with too many guys before, putting in the most effort.

The guy who wrote that Facebook question was not happy with my reply. He deleted it, and sent me and email chastising me for doing a public bashing of someone on his wall. A bad judgment on my part that I accept responsibility for. The problem is he took too far by calling it a form of bullying.

In reply I said:

You're right. It was a public bashing. You are correct in that regard. So my apologies.

However, a public bashing does not always have to be construed as bullying. Especially when in this case, it's AN ADULT being held accountable for what they've done. But that is as you said my personal issue with this person. But it is NOT bullying. 

The word "bullying" is becoming so overused, especially by gay activists lately that it soon will become like crying wolf - where no one will pay attention to the cry of it when it's truly needed.

The beginning of his reply reads:

LeNair, I'm not going to get into a semantics war with you. Bullying is the word that I said, and it's the word that I meant.

Now, I have reached a point in my maturity where once I make my correct response to a situation, if what you have to say doesn’t embrace that, you will find your long-windedness ignored. Hence why I never read beyond those 2 sentences of the long-winded yammering paragraph that those 2 sentences come from.  Because I already took responsibility for how I handled the situation wrong.  But I’ll be damned if I’m going to tolerate some weak-minded rider of the gay activist bandwagon bordering on burning another bridge by shaking his “Mommy” finger at me. Because I am not dumb enough to be his spouse, or unfortunate enough to be his child, so I am under no obligation to listen to his bullshit accusation of bullying like too many gay activists are now quick to do when you take the slightest verbal swipe at an adult.

For that is one of the ways that the word “bullying” is losing it validity to the point that is becoming the next cry “wolf”. Another way is because gay activists have now tried to shall we say “corner the market” on being bullied. Thereby being the stereotypical gay narcissist ignoring the larger world of misunderstood youth, be they nerds, acne-sufferers, straight, gay, bi, Black, White, Asian, Indian, rich, poor etc. who needs supports. You need to can your hissy fit when I hold an adult responsible for their misbehavior towards me. Because there is a very distinct difference.

Sadly, an accusation of bullying being on the edge of a gay person’s tongue has now become almost as common as the mouth’s natural production of saliva. The problem is that when it becomes that constant, the accusation can all too often be proven false. Such as in the case I’m talking about now where I can easily prove how I’m being chastised when there are others who really need it a hell of a lot more than me.

Now, this person said in his last response to me that he didn’t want to get into a semantics war with me. Well, my response to him is simple:

If you don’t want to get into a war over semantics, then I suggest you put a lid on your dramatics.

For there are people out there who really are being bullied. Many of them young and failed by parents who are so caught up in their careers that they’re not there for their children and/or school systems that have their hands tied in dealing with the situation. But both act like the most loving after a child has killed him/herself over the torment he/she has endured.

This person accusing me of bullying that guy, needs to learn some individuality, therefore stop jumping on the gay activists bandwagon, and get his facts straight on what bullying is. For I have an equation for him and everyone else in doubt of what defines as an act of bullying. The equation is as follows:

Overcompensating Coward + Victim = Bullying

I’ll say it again: Overcompensating Coward + Victim = Bullying

Now, anyone who knows me knows that equation doesn’t work for this, or any situation that I’m involved in. Because while that guy likes to play victim, hence one of the things that made us part ways, especially for some dimwit females’ sympathy, I however am by no means an overcompensating coward. For whatever I say on this blog, I have no problem re-iterating it to the face of the person I’m talking about should I have to. And furthermore, that guy from “Paying (Ends---My’Friend’)” knows that I have no problem saying to his face what I’ve said here, or in the post and poem.  For some of this has been said to him already. And what I didn’t get to say to him already didn’t get said to his face because I know his cowardice wouldn’t allow it to be said to his face by me. Instead, he would leave me to resort to his cowardice mode of communication, texting. OR it will just fester within me, so I wind up using any mode presented to me to vent my annoyance of his existence. Which is a natural reaction. The mistake I and others must not make is to vent that rightful annoyance in an improper place. But even if you vent it in the wrong space, it is not the unnatural action of bullying. It is instead just plain rudeness, and I have already owned up to that lapse in my judgment. In any case, as with any equation, if one part of the equation is non-existent, then it’s not the answer you’re looking for. Therefore, since I’m not an overcompensating coward, no bullying took place.

The existence of the guy I wrote the comment about made himself the dark disappointing, worthless cloud within those past 12 months of my life. Worthless to the point that if I could go back in time, and not give him the time of day, like I did the night we met, I seriously doubt it would trigger a butterfly effect. It’s sad and may seem cruel to say, but it is without a doubt TRUE.

But with the things that lead me to that sad true statement, my question to the person who accused me of bullying is this:

Were you the one being spoken to in a rude tone on the phone, because this guy was hanging out at a bar on the verge of getting wasted again?

Were you the one repeatedly getting apologized to and accepting that overload of apologies the day after this alcoholic’s tirade?

Were you the one who was asked to put the integrity of your blog on the line after this guy once again in a drunken state being the alcoholic that he was, got up in a bouncer’s face yelling “Ha” for defending a friend of his who may or may not have in the past done something out of line while in a drunken state just like this guy has done with me?

With the answers to ALL of these questions being “No”, the person who accused me of bullying is making himself into nothing more than a follower of the moronic gay activists overusing the word “bullying”. Thereby showing himself to be a bigger fool by joining those foolish activists in crying “wolf”. Because as I’ve said before, the follower of a fool is a bigger fool than the original.

While I won’t reveal who the person is that accused me of bullying, I will say that he is involved with the porn industry. And isn’t it funny how the last person to jump on that bandwagon of falsely accusing people me of bullying also deals heavily with people in the porn industry.

I’m well aware that most industries nowadays don’t make an effort to hold anyone accountable when something goes wrong, but the porn industry has made it their means of existence to not hold people accountable.

Case in point being the very recent story swirling around gay porn over gay-for-pay porn actor Spencer Fox dogging gays and the gay porn industry. Being the bitches in denial that gay-for-pay porn actors are, this is common behavior from them in some degree. But do you think the people like Chi Chi LaRue, Chris Steele of Jet Set Men, or Michael Lucas (just to name a few directors)  who hire gay-for-pay porn actors without batting an eye take responsibility for creating these obvious self-loathing monsters? OR do the gay porn bloggers who big up the gay-for-pay porn actors’ image by writing about them take responsibility for their part in this creation of a monster by way of a hideous soul?

The answer to both questions is a deafening and echoing “NO!”

Because that’s what people in many industries, especially the porn industry tend to do. It‘s the reason why so many have some degree of chemical dependency. For they’re trying to escape the guilt of the wrong they do, that no one is adult enough to hold them responsible for.

The reason I brought this up is because both of those industry people falsely accusing me of bullying did so because I was holding a person responsible for what they did. A public bashing is not always bullying. Especially in regards to the guy I wrote “Paying (Ends---My ‘Friend’)” about, based on all I went through with him, including what I haven’t told you, was a public bashing provoked and justified? ABSOLUTELY, especially from an artist’s perspective since venting through your art form is your therapy. But to do that therapy on the Facebook wall of a complete outsider to the situation, like the person who recently accused me of bullying? While this person’s question provoked the public bashing, being that he’s an outsider to the situation, it was not justified. But that still doesn’t make it bullying. Because remember my equation:

Overcompensating Coward + Victim = Bullying

But based on this accuser’s way of thinking, my calling him out for his false accusation is me bullying him. BULLSHIT!

Because  if I wanted to go that route, the bullying to report is from those 2 accusers as the overcompensating cowards. Because the reason they are pointing their fingers at me is because put in the same situation, they’re too cowardly to hold the person accountable. They’re going to do like most, and leave the obnoxious wrong-doer off without being called out on what they’ve done. After all, the accuser who provoked this post was one of the inspirations for my post from 3 ½ years ago, “Shhhh….It’s A Small Community” for he said that since the porn community is small, people don’t name names….What the FUCK does the size of a community have to do with whether or not someone deserves to be called out?! Not a damn thing. It’s mindsets like this that give just fuel to the negative stigma of how the porn community and its closest associates are dysfunctional.

Now if this guy I made a comment about was to off himself because of his guilt over how he was the ugly spot of my year, well that would be on him. And I really don’t give a damn. Because if you don’t want to feel guilt, then don’t do wrong. But my holding him accountable for being that ugly spot is not bullying.

However, there are people out there who really are being bullied. Have done nothing wrong to deserve it, but be themselves regardless of their orientation, color, economic background, religion, whatever. And they need to know that they’re loved.

As you can see, I am sympathetic to those affected by bullying. Because I was bullied myself as a child. Hence why I am able to come up with that equation for bullying. Because back then, those kids were overcompensating ghetto trash cowards, and I was their victim. But the time came when I had to grow up, and stop being a victim, and bring myself to being only a target. For I’ve had instances in my adult life where I could have played the victim to someone trying to bully me. Such as the conflict at my poetry reading back in January with Diesel Washington. I could have easily played the victim to his bully-like behavior. In fact, I dont’ even recall using the word “bullying” in telling of that incident. It’s because I didn’t play victim to his overcompensating cowardice that he’s used to from White boys who cowering down to him because of their White guilt, and being intimidated by his size. Instead, I fought back by talking back. And that’s what a lot of gays need to start doing now. STOP PLAYING THE VICTIM!!! So that this overuse of the word “bullying” comes to a much needed end.

Now contrary to what gay activists want to make you believe, bullying is NOT just a gay problem. Nor is it just a child’s problem. For some adults, bullies are bosses, with their subordinates as the victims in the equation. Such as one of the reasons I’m sure they were glad to get rid of me at the law firm I was working at was because I wouldn’t allow myself to be a victim, whether it was a co-worker, a partner in the firm, or someone in administration. And for others, bullies are stalkers. But in all these situations, one can either be just a target or a victim. And which one we become depends on (1)the REaction of the bully’s target AND (2)the powers that be doing their part to remedy the situation. To clarify, a bully’s target can stay being only a target by taking a stand on his/her own and/or reporting the bully to the proper authorities. However, the target becomes a victim by him/her and/or the proper authorities doing nothing.

The bottom line is the fact that bullying is a very real problem. It has been going on since the dawn of mankind. But as time and technology has changed, new methods have arose. And with those new methods, we must remember the basic principle of bullying that will stand until the end of time as to what should be defined as “bullying.” Don’t go pulling new principles out of your ass to define “bullying” for the sake of pandering to a cause.

While some who have been bullied take the weakness route and become bullies themselves, others who have been bullied like myself, use that adversity to make themselves stronger inside than we would have been had we not been bullied. So it’s another case of how every dark cloud has a silver lining.

So to all those struggling, may you find the light at the end of the tunnel. For you will, just as I have. All you have to do is follow my motto, ---- Keep Being U2B. FREE.

Color To Color, Learn From One Another

As said at the end of my post and podcast, "The Dirty Word Report", I attended MACT/NY's November 18th meeting discussing the topic, "What Have Our Relationships Taught Us About Racism". I got to the 2-hour discussion when it had about 1 1/4 hour left.

Once the chance arrived for me to jump in, I made a point that I have long noticed about interracial relationships. I said that the only way interracial relationships can work is if BOTH parties take note of what the other goes through. For while many think that the hardships one must understand are those of people of color, the fact is that even in this day and age, there are Whites and others of light-complexion who endure losing jobs, promotions, so-called friends, and being disowned by family all because of their interracial relationships. And not just in the gay community, but in the straight community as well. So while a person of color expects the White or light-complexion partner to understand their situation, the person of color must be compassionate as well, in regards to what his/her White or light-complexioned partner has sacrificed to be in said relationship.

I don't know anyone personally who has experienced this. However, once you take into account how much other behavior that should be considered pre-Civil Rights Movement displays of racism are taking place in 2011, it becomes not too far-fetched an idea that such a thing is practiced today.

At the meeting I moderated, "Saying The Dirty Word....LIVE!", I don't recall having any moments of feeling hot under the collar. However, at this meeting, I did have a couple of those heated moments where I had to fight myself in order to maintain my composure.

One of those instances was when a light-complexioned mixed attendee told the other Black attendee that what the Black attendee perceives as racism might be because of the vibe he gives off that makes people react in a way that can be perceived as racist. This might be true for this Black person, and some other people of color. However, I personally took issue with this statement.

For I myself have been told that it's the vibe I give off. The guy I smacked for calling me "ghetto nigger" in "Sex, Then Violence Resurrection" is the one who immediately came to mind. With that flashback, plus knowing how I have always lived my life, I became immediately irate. So I responded by telling him of my anti-social past, and being aware of the existence of racism, but never coming so face-to-face with racism until going out with a mutli-ethinic group of friends and seeing how quiet and void of hip-hop attire and attitude I was, yet finding myself treated dismissively and/or cautiously. Or how I would go into auditions for roles that were not race-specific, and the people in the room gave off an energy to me that let me know I wasn't getting the part. Not because I was bad, because I hadn't spoken a single line yet. But because I was Black. Or porn studios like Falcon and Raging Stallion telling me that they'll call me for a part when I'm a good fit, yet repeatedly see a White or light-complexioned Latino version of myself in their trailers. Hence why I am justified with no regrets over my comment that was printed in The Advocate to their article, "Porn Panic". So in all of these instances, the supposed chip on my shoulders comes as a retaliation to the chip on those people's shoulders about my color.

I know this attendee meant no harm by what he said. But the trigger for me was the fact that I know that White culture, mainly White American culture teaches a "Blame the victim" mentality when it comes to racism to absolve themselves of any guilt for their sins and/or those of their ancestors. And too many of light-complexion tend to follow because of the upper-hand their light-complexion gives them. Though I don't like to use the word "victim", because I'm surviving and growing stronger with every passing day, so I'm not a "victim". I just used the word "victim" to make my point here easier to understand. The true word I want to use is "target". So the phrase I'm looking for is "Blame the target".

The other thing that bothered me was when the other Black attendee said that there were 4 classes of Blacks - lower class, lower middle-class, upper-middle class, and the rich, (which some racist Blacks without knowing that person's story refer to as "bougie"). I immediately corrected this attendee on how those 4 classes exists for every ethnicity in this country. Such as for Whites, the poor among them are referred to as "white trash" or "trailer trash". I'm not sure what the names are for other ethnicities like Latinos, Asians, and Middle Easterners, but I'm sure you see my point as to how there is a name for them all. It's not just a Black thing.

What annoyed me was after making this correction, he said that he was talking about it from a Black perspective because that is what he knows. This put me on the edge of exploding. For did I not say that the first thing out of my mouth when I arrived to the meeting was in but so many words how you must see things from the other's perspective if unions between one another are to work?! You can't communicate talking from your ethnicity's prospective alone. You have to see all sides of the situation, and address all sides of the situation.

No matter what color, ethnicity, or how light or dark you are, in the end, besides being so far from a man that you cater to peer pressure of racist "friends", what is keeping us from the interracial relationships many of us want to have is the stereotypical gay male narcissism and laziness to think. Narcissism and laziness that makes one feel that dealing with someone of a different color or ethnicity, and addressing the racism they must endure is too much work for their world all about "Me! Me! Me!" So instead, they settle for someone who shares their color, ethnicity, but most of all ----their damaging silence on the matter.

It is for this reason that I am at times so cold to some of the older White and light-complexioned males who try hitting on me at a bar or club. It's because I feel this story of love lost by way of not giving an understanding ear may very well be their story. And now, after they've lost their youthful beauty, they proposition me as a way of singing their regret song of "Shoulda, Coulda, Woulda".

But while my Christian upbringing makes me a forgiving person, my rejection of them is me singing my song of "Too Little, Too Late".

Becoming Mr. Mistress - text version

Due to the quick popularity of my last podcast, I have decided to comply with request of having it in text form. Thanks to those who helped to make it such a success.

I define myself as a predominately gay bisexual. However, this situation is one that is all too common in this technological age regardless of your age, gender, ethnicity, religion, or sexual orientation. So I strongly advise you to read this, and feel free to pass it along to friends who might have, are presently, or are on the verge of living this scenario.

What made me need to tell this story is because I have been in 3-ways, and even felt like I was nearing being propositioned to be part of a 3-way partnership. But in all of my sexual experiences and online encounters, you might be shocked to learn that I have never experience something like this.

About 3 weeks ago, I got a friend request on Facebook. The guy said that we chatted on the gay hook-up website, Adam4Adam a couple of years ago. He also lives here in NYC. As with my most people, before I accept their friend request, I checked their info. Hence why there are some people right now waiting for me to accept their friend requests but I won’t because there is just too little information available to me about them and their friends. And some of them look like kids, and I’ll be damned if I’m going to have Chris Hansen from Dateline NBC’s “To Catch A Predator” busting down my door, with cops cuffing me, and taking my computer for suspicion of pedophilia. That shit is not happening.

Anyway, after I accepted his friend request, he started chatting with me. Our chats (all of which he initiated) always wound up with us exchanging very sexual flirtations. As this went on, I began considering picking up where we left off in our exchanges on Adam4Adam. But to be sure, I went to his profile to see some things. His relationship status – but there was nothing listed in that regard. So I went to the back-up, his photos. I saw a guy in some of the pics that the body language suggested he was more than a friend. The date on those pics was July. Now with relationships being as fleeting as they are these days, I thought that relationship might be over and he just never deleted the pictures. The same way Toby, the guy from my poem "Paying (Ends---My Friend)" is still on my friends list with him tagged in my drawings that symbolize his bad behavior. However, with this guy, as our chats continued, he always said things that if you didn’t read between the lines like I do, you might not realize that this relationship of his wasn’t at all over. But he never came right out and said it like he should have, especially since no words stated so on his profile. The problem was that while I was figuring this out, my desire to come face to face with him was starting to grow again, just as it did when we exchanged messages on Adam4Adam.

One of our flirtation conversations led to him saying to me, “…too damn bad i didn't meet you when we first started talking, …something tells me we could've had a lot of fun. i still imagine we would."

I said in reply, “Obviously, you do.”

He said, “oh, why so obvious? Lol”

And that’s when I dropped the bomb by saying, “Well, having a taken man tell you how he's been turned on by you, can't be more obvious than that.”

He confirmed how true that was and then apologized if I felt it was inappropriate of him to talk to me so much or in that way, or if it was unfair to me. I told him that if I didn’t do my research and see his pictures, I wouldn’t have known about his boyfriend, because he never mentioned him. So his actions were unfair. And not just to me, but to his boyfriend as well. He agreed and told me that he loves his boyfriend, and he would never cheat on him. But it’s just that at times he feels a bit trapped, sexually.

Well, since I don’t know much about him and nothing at all about his boyfriend, nor am I behind their closed doors, I won’t doubt as to whether or not he loves his boyfriend. But how many times have we seen this scenario? How many entertainment and political scandals have started out this way in recent years because of this technological age of social media websites making us able to lay the ground work of meeting someone? Yet one party professes their love for and faithfulness to their significant other while pretty much saying all the words to court another? Waaaaay too many!

Now let’s go back to when he said that he at times feels trapped, sexually. He says that my openness about sex is part of what drew him to me. Now, correct me if I’m wrong, but shouldn’t that sexual openness and adventurous spirit have been a requirement he made of his boyfriend before taking up with him? The same way I said in a recent blog post how I could never be in a monogamous relationship with a guy who is a total top or a total bottom, because my versatility is going to make me crave both the dick and ass of that man. And denying me of either will only spark me to look outside of that relationship. Now, if you tell me beforehand that there is a physical reason for you to be a total top or bottom, and I accept it, then I can’t complain. Or if something happens to you physically during the course of our relationship that makes you a total top or bottom, then I should accept it and be monogamous. Otherwise, what halts you is mental, and I am under no obligation to proceed with attempting a monogamous relationship with you. And this is a conversation we need to have before we call ourselves “a couple”.

So if my sexual openness and adventurous spirit is such a draw to him, then it only makes sense for me to conclude that his feeling sexually trapped is born from one of 3 things:

(1) he’s having issues with having sex with the same person all the time, which is not uncommon.

(2) his boyfriend is what they call “vanilla”. Meaning that he doesn’t do too much outside the norm, and there might not be much communication about what he does within that norm. This is communication that should have been had before they called themselves “a couple”.

Whatever reason he has bouts of feeling sexually trapped, it’s why some couples are into 3-somes, swinging, and open relationships. But also, it doesn’t justify him leading anyone on, or putting himself in the position to be unfaithful since being in one of those more sexually open relationships doesn’t seem to be an option for him. Or

3) some combination of 1 & 2.

Now, it’s inevitable that at some point, one of us would have propositioned a meeting, and the other would have agreed. It was inevitable because it is a natural instinct put in us human beings that when we feel trapped, we are to seek escape. So what if I was such a lonely soul that I decided to offer myself as this guy’s escape from that feeling of being sexually trapped? Or what if he propositioned me to come face to face at long last? Maybe just to talk. Maybe more. Consciously, or subconsciously, no matter how much he claims that he would never cheat on his boyfriend, it’s a line we’ve heard of too many times before, as he would have been putting himself in the position to be unfaithful. And I also would have lessened my worth as a person by being a party to it.

Now, they say it’s a small world. By both of us living here in New York City, it makes it even more probable that even in a city this big that, I could very easily run into this guy and his boyfriend. And it should be hell on my conscience to look his boyfriend in the face. Now, the question is while it should be hell on my conscience, would I risk lessening my worth because I’m that lonely a soul?

Well, I’m going to put it to you like this, …I have no intention of being Kat Von D. to this guy’s possible Jessie James. Having Karma kick my ass because of what I did to his boyfriend’s  possible part as Sandra Bullock. In short, NO, I am not lessening my worth, nor am I that lonely a soul.

I admit to having my moments of loneliness. But 1) no one should find a piece of ass, a piece of dick, or a piece of pussy worth all that hiding and bad karma. Especially, when at the end of the day, until that person gets caught, he/she is going back to the real significant other. The significant other that he/she shares a life, maybe a home, and maybe even children with. And 2) I love myself enough to not be someone’s consolation prize. Which is what you’ll become when that person gets caught and thrown out on his/her ass. Everyone’s goal in their love life should not be a consolation prize. But instead, demand that they are THE PRIZE.

It’s sad how someone into monogamy can immediately communicate to someone they’re seeing how that person is not their type once that person reveals being in the sex industry. Yet, they can’t bring themselves to talk about their own sexual nature, be it mild or wild. Well, the reason why it seems so easy is because the monogamous person doesn’t have to communicate to the person in the sex industry that a union between them won’t work. Because CIRCUMSTANCE did the talking for them. CIRCUMSTANCE allowed them to maintain their being tongue-tied by way of sexual repression. And I’m not saying that the monogamous person is sexual repressed because he/she isn’t so sexual open enough to be in the sex trade. I’m saying he/she is sexually repressed because they won’t communicate with their partner what they want sexually. Or for the sake of not being alone, they settle. Which is why some relationships involving people of 2 opposing sexual natures come to fruition, even though they should have never gotten started in the first place. Unfortunately, there comes a time when one or both parties can’t lie about it anymore, and the opposing sexual natures surface so much that a parting of the ways is a must.

Now before I continue, some of you might not realize that I do need to clarify what I mean by “monogamous”. For there are those in the sex trade like some porn actors and prostitutes who are part of a couple, who show that they are dumber than a box of hair by claiming “outside of work, we’re monogamous”. Truth be told----NO THE FUCK YOU ARE NOT!!!! Because your male significant other is getting his dick wrapped nice and snug in a 98.6 degree hole, be that hole a mouth, ass, or pussy that is NOT yours, and your male or female significant other is getting his or her 98. 6 degree hole, be it a mouth, ass, or pussy stuffed better than the turkey you had this past Thanksgiving with a male’s dick that is NOT your own. The short version is, no matter what the situation you put yourself in, if you’re fucking somebody besides your significant other, you are NOT monogamous. Don’t try to bullshit me just because you’re dumb enough to try to bullshit yourself.

Therefore, these people need to stop lying to us and themselves, and start communicating the truth. Just like any member of a couple needs to when they feel in some way trapped. Because circumstance is not going to always do the talking for you. For it happens more often than not that you’re going to have to be an adult, therefore make an adult decision, therefore have an adult conversation. Otherwise, the situation that I am speaking of now, or worse is the situation that you end up with.

There is a part of me that thinks had I kept up with communicating with this guy, that I would have no need to do this podcast, because we’ve experienced each other, and might still be together. But make no mistake, I am by no means doing this podcast as a regret song of “Shoulda, Coulda, Woulda”.

Because you may have come to know of me by way of the internet, but when it comes to my social life, I deal with the real world. Even though I have profiles on Adam4Adam, Manhunt, Gaydar, BBRT, DudesNudes, and maybe some others I’m forgetting right now, the fact remains that the overwhelming majority of guys in my life have been met by venturing out into the real world. Some might say they don’t have time to go out and meet people. Well guess what? The time it takes you to plant your ass in front of that computer, and make a profile, send an email, or chat online, you could have took your ass out into the real world and met someone. The reason why you won’t is because of you’ve probably become conditioned to play along with the sheer cowardice in communicating by using the less intimate ways that this technological age has greenlighted. My most loyal readers may recall that I’ve had this problem with Danny, and most recently Toby who both text like crazy, instead of being a man about their business and TALK - voice to voice and/or face to face.

And playing into those modernized bad habits is why this guy never heard from me again. I’m not an online or texting type of person when it comes to communicating in my personal relationships. If you live in this city, and want to maintain communication, then up the ante on your communication with me. Because of you don’t…your lost will surely be somebody else’s gain. And you risk the chance that you’ll be left to settle. Which may have very well been the case of the guy I’m talking about now. I don’t know anything about his boyfriend. I don’t know his boyfriend’s personality, sexual likes and dislikes. I know NOTHING. But I’ll tell you what, I’m not going to allow myself to be his “guy on the side” just because he may have decided to settle. With most people that I’m interested in talking to, I give them my blog address. And considering how I reveal so much of my stands on my blog, if they are still interested, then we can go further from there. Because there are so many ways to find me. But this guy waited until now to do it. Well, for me or anybody with worthwhile standards, it’s too little, too late.

And like I said before, he said he wouldn’t cheat on his boyfriend. Do any of you within the sound of my voice really expect me to believe that at some point the temptation would not have become too strong for one or both of us to resist making that next inevitable step? I didn’t think so.

As I said in the intro, this story crosses over the lines of age.\,ethnicity, religion, gender, and sexual orientation. So I hope if you find yourself in such a predicament, you will do the right thing. Because it is the only way you will able to give yourself the pat on the back that I’m giving myself right now – with both hands. Because it’s very easy to say “if that was me, I would have done such and such”. But when the moment of truth arrives, some of us don’t follow through on doing “such and such”. Well, this time, it was me presented with that moment of truth, and I did do “such and such”. Why?

Because I am too damn good to be ANYBODY’s "Mr. Mistress".

Giving THANKS To Porn & YOU

Despite all that I say about the porn industry nowadays, I am thankful for it. For every dark cloud does have a silver lining.

Hence why I am thankful to porn for:

1) showing me how so many of the negative stigmas associated with the porn industry are well deserved;

2) giving so little a life to their loyal blog readers that they are now out of touch with the real world because all their life consist of is watching and jerking off to porn and reading porn blogs. Thereby sucking in all of the low self-esteem, prostitution, racism, and self-denial porn blogs give a platform to; therefore
3) giving its performers, who know that all I am saying is true, one of the worst places to seek the validation they are obviously crying out for;
4) giving me a voice in its underground. One that because of all of the addictions, cowardice, and denials of porn's connoisseurs, producers, directors and performers, I am now vehemently taking my voice above ground. Therefore, above them where it belongs.

So to those of you who I must be thankful for following me from the beginning, and are joining me as I ascend....

Far From A Saint With Body Paint

For some time, I have had a kink for body paint. A few years before my coming out, I was in an NYU student film that required me to be body painted. One of the other guys in the cast was into me, but even though at the time I was in denial of my orientation, I know that I had no interest in him. But I was attracted to one of the guys painting me. That brush hit my nipple and I had to hold my breath to make sure the oxygenated blood needed for a hard-on didn't circulate to my cock and make me sport some major wood.

I was trying to avoid getting hard because after all, while I already wasn't accepting my own orientation at the time, I was unaware of the orientation of the guy painting me. Though looking back, I think he was gay, or at least bisexual. But I didn't want my hard dick bulging in my underwear and in his face to put him on the spot. For the thing about artists is that when it comes to their orientation, sometimes, ....you just never know.

Since my coming out, my kink for body paint became more evident to myself. The first instance I recall was at the Baña Pool Party. One of the check-in guys with a simply fit physique was body painted all over. And I mean ALL OVER, as in including his dick. We kept flirting with each other, and one point during the night, by chance we both wound up on line for the bathroom with him standing right in front of me with his nice round ass painted green. During our flirting, he let me feel his ass, and if I could have gotten him away from that check-in table, I would have done everything within my power to get my ass fucked with that green-painted dick of his. I only saw his dick flaccid, so I was especially curious to find out if his dick got painted while it was flaccid or erect. If flaccid, then once hard, the paint would probably look like green-zebra stripes. But if it got painted with him hard, then it would have been so covered that he might have looked like he was related to The Hulk. Trust me, he was simply fit, but he could have fucked my ass hard as if he was The Hulk with no argument from me.

Ever since then, when I see a hot guy body painted, especially all over (or close to it), my sexual fantasy is to have Round 1 with me bottom for him while he's wearing that body paint, then have Round 2 with us fucking in the shower getting that paint off. So you'll have whatever colors of the rainbow coloring our skin, then the water. And considering my preference in men, our being skin to skin will be a great color contrast as well.

So when will I have my day of a roll in the hay with a hot guy in body paint has yet to be seen. But until that sweet day I can experience that kink firsthand, I will keep looking at pics and videos like those in this post to help my fantasies along.