HIM and the backstory

      Ryan Driller     William Corazon       Richie Black        Wolf Hudson

If you're gay and don't know those names, maybe these gay porn actor names will sound familiar:
   Jeremy Bilding           Kevin Crows        Spencer Jones        Wolf Hudson

The reason why you might not have known the first names I mentioned is because in that order, those are the names they now use in their "work" as straight porn actors. For the record, let it be known that I don't know which orientation all of these guys define themselves as. However, based on the videos and tweets I've come across, most (if not all) define as "straight". Not to mention (with the exception of Wolf Hudson) the seeming "need" to change their porn name as they go to straight porn. It sounds like Escapism 101 in an era where escapism is futile.

For while I no longer follow porn like I used to, I discovered Richie Black's gay porn past with Randy Blue merely by chance. But in regards to his orientation, the video proof is there to show that he is in some level of denial regardless of how 100% straight his recent porn and tweets portray him to be.

I have made no secret of my dislike of the "gay-for-pay" porn genre, and my lack of respect for the performers and producers that hire them like Michael Lucas, Chi Chi LaRue, Jake Cruise, Chris Steele of Jet Set Men, as well as Lovari and the producers of Latino Fan Club. To the point that I have locked horns via porn blogs and Twitter with some of the performers and producers from that list. However, that does not change the fact that being the lustful creature many of us are that we still fantasize about "what if". And if the opportunity to be with such a guy presented itself that we just might go through with it.

That's where the poem "HIM" that I recently debuted at Titillating Tongues comes in.

When something does not add up properly, I demand answers. So as a member of free society, a male having sex with a male yet calling himself 100% heterosexual is such a situation in which I will demand answers. And no matter how in lust I am, if his answers are not to my liking, then we will not proceed with our mutual lust turning into a tryst. For as long as you're lying to yourself, you will NEVER be man enough to have me give your dick and/or ass THE FUCK OF ITS LIFE in reality.

I've worked long and hard on myself to learn, then become honest about my sexual orientation, so there's no confusion for anyone to get caught up in. So after my self-discovery of my being a predominately gay bisexual, I will only respect and give the prize that is my body to those who have done the same with their orientation with no actions to dispute their claim. Therefore with a guy that means him honestly admitting to where he falls in the bisexuality (or homosexuality) spectrum.

Pornstar's Cry

In my days of doing porn, I don't know was it that way for all gay porn performers at the time, or was it just me being the rare individual I was in the industry, but I've come to realize that for live appearances, I gave off the vibe that said, "This is my personal space, and that is yours." Much like females in the industry at in-person appearances.

This realization came to me because based on the undisciplined behavior of patrons, with today's gay porn actors/go-go boys I don't see that rule of personal space given by them in vibes or words at live events. Maybe it has always been that way, but because of my individuality that eventually made me leave the porn industry I was blind to how many gay porn actors and go-go boys just act aloof to being touched, groped, and even fingered. But try that with a porn actress at a straight porn event or a straight guy's strip club, and that male patron is out on his ass. What's even worse is how I've seen some party promoters incite this violating behavior from the patrons and tolerance from the porn actors/go-go boys. It's really sad to see that this is what we are doing to our own. Then we wonder why porn actors kill themselves swiftly or slowly by abuse of drugs and alcohol. It's partly because the people who should be looking out for their mental and physical well-being at these appearances are either refusing to do so, or are unaware of the psyche of a porn actor to do so.
 
Recently at a bar event where a gay pornstar was promoted as one of the go-go boys dancing, there came a point when the pornstar was just standing there for I guess a time-out. A crowd of guys started to form around him. These guys all then started rubbing and groping him. The desperation of these patrons was sickening to watch. A friend I was talking to who also saw this pointed out how aloof the pornstar seemed to be to these guys crowding around and groping him. We were at a distance at the time, so I went in closer to be sure if what I was seeing from a distance was actually what was truly happening. And sadly I must say, that's when I saw it. To him, it was like none of us were there. The even sadder part is...neither was he.

In seeing this, my fascination with the human psyche was compounded with concern. For I began to wonder what must be going on in this porn actor's mind to allow this to happen to him. And I thought about what sadness this must bring. Sadness that it's not "politically correct" for porn fans to concern themselves with. To think no one cares about how he feels. Simply because you're a "pornstar". Well with my porn past, I've been there to some extent. So then and now, I gave off the vibe and/or words to show ownership of my space. Namely, my body. To make sure that feeling had an end. So with that came the poem:

How did I get here?

Was it a desperation for validation?

Was it my curiosity about being in a voyeur’s view?

Or was it all of that plus a heartfelt mission

To help the sexually ambivalent find their truth

Whatever the case may be
I don’t like how I am now seen

But even worse is who I actually am

And that’s the most nightmarish dream

You can dismiss other’s opinion of you

But what if your soul’s mirror shows the same?

That is when it starts to hit you

That this path you chose is no game

I was led here by porn producers and you viewers

Giving me numerous pats on the back

As producers count their money, and you viewers beat your meat

I sensed it, but ignored a real fact
You want a fuck for my body & name

Not for my soul, heart, and damn sure not my brain!

Yet if I was to off myself one lonely night

You’d dare wonder how was I in such pain

Look at what you deem as making me worth living

My face?! My ass?! My dick?!

Nothing in between like my heart, or at the very top like my brain

On your part, that is sick!

I got my name on a flyer

And that takes me higher

But once it’s showtime, reality sets in

I get on the bar to go-go dance

And everyone wants a chance

To see if a romp with me, they’ll win

How many grimy, sweaty hands

From another desperate old man

Must I feel has soiled my soul with his touch?

So I take to your young handsome face

Who vies for a place

And while I play along, I don’t feel much

This world has killed my love of sex

So now every fuck is to regain the high

Adding drugs and booze, but I still lose

For all my soul can do is cry

I may orgasm, and shoot a load across the room

But I’ve been asked for so much

Joy over the feeling is doomed

For all my soul can do is cry

But it’s not “correct” for you to care

Instead, you let compassion hide

So no one dares to ask of all people

A pornstar,…what 
…they feel inside

K.B. Doppelganger

One night at the NYC gay bar, The Cock, while it’s more of a dive pick-up spot, guys on the prowl walking around shirtless even when it’s the dead of winter outside is not an unusual thing. And for this reason, because it had gotten so warm in there, although I am an exhibitionist, I was apprehensive to take my shirt off knowing it might give the wrong message to other patrons since I’m never on the prowl. But I took a chance, and took my shirt off anyway.

One reason for my apprehension was because in such instances in the past, guys have been very invasive of my personal space. After all, we are talking about the male human animal. The male sexual human animal to be more precise. This time though, most guys were respectful, and anyone who touched me without my permission only had to be told to stop once. Not more than once as usual there.

One person who touched me however, was NOT a guy. It was a girl. Initially, I thought she was beautiful. Beautiful enough that since I define myself as a predominately gay bisexual, she had a beauty that teased the small part of me that’s straight. This was short-lived however, because I realized that she was drunk off her ass. And drunkenness from either gender is a turn-off. Maybe it’s my Aries arrogance – wanting you sober so you can be fully aware to enjoy and remember my sexual prowess.

After I had pretty much written this girl off after a couple of hours of her coming up to me numerous times rubbing on my chest telling me how hot I was, I realized that she had a friend with her. Not the usual flamboyant guy that accompanies one or more girls into a gay bar. But this was another female. She was short with long blond hair who reminded me of a celebrity. And I knew it was the way her hair was styled that was throwing me off as to which celebrity. So focusing on her face, I realized which celebrity she resembled.

It was Kristen Bell, who you might remember from “Veronica Mars”, and her brief stint on the show “Heroes”.

I always thought Kristen Bell was beautiful seeing her on a TV screen. But didn’t realize how beautiful until her look-alike was standing in front of me, stroking my bare chest, live and in the flesh.

The drunk girl was in such awe of me that she brought me to the attention of this Kristen Bell look-alike, who seemed just as attracted to me as I was becoming more so to her. So when I said that she stroked my chest, trust me, I had no qualms about it. I immediately had a variety of sexual fantasies of how this could play out. One fantasy had me taking her to the bathroom, making her pussy wet, then fucking her senseless with her pleasure yells and moans heard over the bar’s loud music. Another was of me taking her to the backroom area, freaking out the immature gays by putting on a show of kissing, oral foreplay, and straight sex. A third was me taking her number to arrange a fuck session to be done on an actual bed because the classiness she appeared to have deserved it. OR lastly,…. me being greedy and go for all three.

What made my fantasies go that far was the fact that unlike her friend, she seemed sober. A definite plus in my book.

Thinking back, I’m wondering why didn’t I make a move to make any of these fantasies become reality. Actually, a few connecting reasons come to mind. Starting with the possible reason as to why she touched me in the first place. For despite my sensing an attraction to me, I had to wonder: What if I was wrong? What if the only reason she felt comfortable touching me was because I was a male in a gay bar, which thereby makes me unlikely to respond in a way that makes her feel violated. While I know some females come into a gay male bar looking for what I call a “proof fuck” – a guy they feel a one night stand will turn a gay male straight, that’s not every straight woman in a gay bar’s story. Some women come in just for the illusion of turning the tables. Which is why as much as I wanted to, I refrained from blurting out my bisexuality. Truth be told, I’m more quick to reveal my bisexuality in pansexual environments anyway.

Outside of those reasons, there’s also the age-old saying, “You are known for the company that you keep”. And my concern was that she might have been just as plastered as her friend, but just masked it better. For I had yet to see a group of girls in a gay bar, and all in that group aren’t plastered to some extent.

Well, there’s a first time for everything. And maybe this was a first for this. Too bad the price I paid for not realizing it sooner was my chance to bang her….a  Kristen Bell doppelganger.

Titillating In A Different Way

Tomorrow night, this Friday, is another month of Titillating Tongues.

This time, I'm doing something a little different. Instead of poetry, I'm telling a story. An erotic tale about how one night at the NYC gay bar, The Cock, I came face-to-face with a celebrity look-alike. The real draw to this story are the fantasies that followed because of this meeting. As well as to why at of all places, The Cock, did these fantasies stay fantasies, and never become reality.

I might do poetry if time allows. But regardless, if you're in NYC, then you'll have to come to the event to find out all of this.

 

 The Gallery at LPR (Le Poisson Rouge)
158 Bleecker Street
New York, NY 10012
(212) 353-3474

By subway, take the A, B, C, D, E, F to West 4th Street-Washington Square.

Doors open for sign-up @ 7pm.

Cover Charge: $10

You can purchase advance tickets via http://eroticaopenmicnyc.eventbrite.com./

21+ Age Limit!

Lovari's Loose Screws To Hypocrisy

It is coming up on 5 years since I wrote the blog post, "Crash And Burn On Valentine's Edge". If my most loyal readers recall I never revealed the guy in that post. Well, that guy is the singer, Lovari.

Why am I revealing this now? For my rule is that I need to get that story out of my system, but initially, I try to respect you enough to keep your name and/or face out of it. Even when it's a sexual escapade, and I feel you've shown a skill and/or degree of character that you should be publicly lauded for. However, when you cross a line with me that sends you into exile from my life...all bets are off. Such a low was recently committed by Lovari.

I have said a great deal against the gay porn industry over the last 4 years, plus for even longer been vocal in my stance against gay-for-pay or being "on the down low". So imagine my annoyance when I saw a Facebook update like this from Lovari, someone I once gave of my time to:

 

You might think since our brief involvement of 10 days occurring 5 years ago, that I should look at Lovari now partnering with Latino Fan Club as some kind of progress. Think again!

For at least I'm honest, out, and proud about my love of dick and male ass. Progress for Lovari would be him partnering with a porn company that features guys just as honest, out, and proud of themselves. If that was the case, as much of an issue I have with the industry at the moment, not only would I not think so low of him now, but I might actually consider a brief return. However, such is not the case. Instead, he's partnering with a company that produces porn that:

1) is known for giving sexual praise to Latinos who are ghetto trash;

2) glorifies living a mentally and emotionally scarring double life, which can easily influence questioning gay/bi males to do the  same, and;

3) gives the models shit pay in the process of 1 & 2.

So if there's any question as to why I said to him, "YOU HAVE SUNK TO A NEW FUCKIN' LOW!", there shouldn't be now. 

Yet, Lovari actually tried to say to me that my being vocal in my disappointment with him is "the pot calling the kettle 'black'". In short, he tried to called me a "hypocrite" - wondering how I could have done porn, but be annoyed that he's now producing it. Well, this is very easy to explain. And this explanation also goes out to any dumb-ass ready to side with Lovari by making his same lame-brain argument...

For while I have made homemade porn since leaving the industry, I officially left the porn industry in September 2009. That is 4 1/4 years ago (if the math escapes you), and have always been vocal as to why I left. Plus, in all of my porn videos (industry-based and homemade), I always made a point of being out and proud of homosexuality. For I have said in many interviews and on this blog that I got into the porn industry to inspire the questioning to feel comfort in whatever degree of homosexuality they had, and not shame. Meanwhile, Lovari is producing porn that incites that very shame. Showing guys fucked up enough in the head to be ashamed of their homosexuality, yet try to make a buck off of their self-shame. So there is no pot calling the kettle "black" here. There is simply me telling the truth, and Lovari's inability to handle that truth...like most porn producers.

Unfortunately now, I am led to believe that Lovari's "Likes" for my Facebook posts about the porn industry was him trying to get my support for his porn endeavors by way of claiming to support my viewpoint. This (in his mind) would ward off me coming at him the way I did. The problem is that makes his support of my viewpoint a lie. And since I loathe liars, such a stunt makes him fit right into that shady business.

As many times as I've been through this, this level of stupidity still baffles me. For with all that I've said on the issue of gay-for-pay in blog posts, AND conversations during and since our 10 days of dating, how STUPID can Lovari be?!

How stupid can he be to believe that I am going to support him producing porn featuring guys who claim to be on the "down low"?!
How stupid can he be to believe that I am going to support this when the reason we stopped dating is because he couldn't handle my sexuality that allowed me to be sexually liberated enough to do porn?! So he now is going to influence others to appear as sexually liberated for the sake of a buck?! But lie to themselves (and you) about their obvious orientation?! Sounds like a bit of hypocrisy if you ask me. But adding to the hypocrisy is when you consider how Lovari once pissed a bitch about how gay events were not hiring and/or being headlined by out and proud gay music artists. Now, if you read this blog for any length of time, then you know how much I hate hypocrisy. So now, thinking back to the fact that I allowed him to kiss me... 

Eww! I think I just threw up a little in my mouth!

Luckily, I have thoughts of my interview with the organization, AntiPornography.org to pull it back. For it reminds me that I'm doing something to combat the matter by addressing the matter.

Behind 'Lights! Camera! Now FUCK!'

There are 4 words that I’m sure any exhibitionist should love to hear when getting in front of a camera. Those 4 words are…

Well, my plans for the next Titillating Tongues is to explore how one should connect these 4 words to being part of the porn industry. For while I've never heard those words yelled at me on a porn set, there are certain sentiments behind those 4 words that are very much present on any porn company's set. Sentiments that very often differ from those when they are said away from a porn company's set.

I also plan on closing with a brief song entitled "What Lust Should Be" to go out with a happy ending.

So if you're in NYC, I hope to see you there. For even though I'm only on the stage delivering a good erotic message for about 5 minutes, there's plenty more talent to bear witness to at this open mic event.

at

The Gallery at Le Poisson Rouge

158 Bleecker Street

$10 cover

Doors open at 7 PM

Performances from 7:30 - 9:30 PM

Open Letter To Pat Robertson

Dear Mr. Robertson,

You don’t know me, and I do not follow you. My name is LeNair. I am a 42 year old predominately gay bisexual. I am writing this because I have heard of numerous accounts with video proof of you pointing your finger at the gay community. For everything from blaming us for world disasters to the most recent one I am hearing as to how you said that we should come out as “straight”.

Well, Mr. Robertson, this message has many questions for you. Starting with,…

Why don’t you come out as "gay"?

Or at least come out as "curious". Take note that being curious does not necessarily mean that you participate in gay sex. But you have lived a life, and led your followers to be ashamed of the sheer human nature of sexual curiosity. Like I started this message off with saying, I don’t follow you. So maybe you have spoke on the issue of curiosity. Well if you have, then they have been overshadowed by your condescending anti-gay rhetoric.

This (or anything else I say in this message) is by no means meant to be a snide remark. I am actually 100% serious. For you see, your repeated anti-gay talk brings to mind for me the age-old sayings “it takes one to know one”, and “doth protest too much”. The reason why I say this is because once upon a time, I was much like you. Anti-gay, almost to the point of obsession where I dissected the reasons as to why I was having my homosexual feelings. Feeling that since I was recognizing what you claim as a problem, then I could embrace the so-called solution. I lived this lie until I was nearing 31 years old. And it almost killed me. For there were many days in the 18 years prior that I contemplated suicide. But I see now there was no problem, therefore no need to embrace a solution. Now, please don’t continue your hate-speech by saying that contemplation of suicide was the devil making me run from sin. I’ve heard this jargin before as well, and it is complete crap. For if it was, then why am I now happier that I stuck it out, and went against the “rules” taught by people like you?

As for you blaming the gay community for natural disasters, my next question is:

Do you also blame fornicators, adulterers, racists, snobs, etc. for these disasters as well? After all, there are a lot more of them than there are of us. And as much as you may try to deny it, all of those sins I listed (and more) can be found in your church. Mainly due to the fact that no matter how much work you might claim to do for the underprivileged, your church is founded on the idea of buying your way into Heaven. So these sins get looked upon with a blind eye, instead of 2 eyes that are wide open.

Mr. Robertson, let me say that I have never seen any of the videos of you online saying what you say against gays. I’m drawn to the headlines, and read your quotes in the accompanying articles, and that’s it. That is all I can stomach. The reason I can’t stomach watching your videos is not because “the truth hurts”, as I’m sure you’re ready to say. For if you take into account how many years it took me to come to terms with my homosexuality, I have been led long enough by your “truth”. I have denied myself quite a bit of time feeling alive because of that “truth”. So do not even try going there. But since every cloud has a silver lining, the silver lining is seeing that your “truth” is in quotation marks because it is false. And realizing that gives me the bravery to confront you, for it also gives me the wisdom to see through you.

All of this that I see from you really makes me feel sorry for you. For what I see of you now is what I once feared of myself becoming in my old age. A creature consumed with denial about something. Whether it’s you being in the closet for so long, or you being curious and denying yourself the God-ordained right to ask questions about sexuality. Something in you fuels this constant finger-pointing at the gay community. In regards to it possibly being that you are in denial of your own degree of homosexuality, be it big or small, I ask you:

Is this finger-pointing at gays because after so many decades of denying it, you are envying the progress of gay acceptance that made you keep your gay desires hidden? So now you feel your time to be true to yourself has passed?    

These are all relevant questions, and again, are by no means meant to be insulting, or hateful. They are meant to make you take a look inside yourself, and ask yourself, “Why won’t I just let these people be? Why am I so obsessed with the gender of who they have sex with, or love as their mate?”

So I leave you now to soul search, and find your answers. And whatever they are, I hope you can live with them and leave my community the same way I am leaving you ----peacefully. Thank you. That is all.

Be U2B. FREE,

LeNair Xavier

Sex Party Etiquette - Who Hired The Commentator?

Is it just me, or are you annoyed by those guys at sex parties who make you ask, "Since when did ESPN send commentators over to sex parties? Gay sex parties at that? Did I miss the point when gay sex became a sporting event?"

Well, let me tell you, they annoy the fuck out of me!

And for some reason they always seem to want to commentate in my ear. It's gotten to the point that I have started needing to show my disapproval by looking them up and down, then walking away from them.

Would you believe that I started this blog post 2 YEARS AGO?! The reason it's taken this long to address this is not because the behavior has stopped. Instead, it's because these idiots pretty much kept the commentating to moans and whispers of "Yeah, fuck his ass." The straw that broke the camel's back was that this time, I had some overcompensating shithead trying to be a gay sex education teacher, when he's not getting any action his damn self.

I was trying to top this Asian guy. I had topped this Asian guy before, but what I forgot was how many breaks he takes to sniff poppers. And it has been well documented here how I hate poppers, even most recently in my poem, "Run From The Fun", most of the 3rd stanza addresses this, as it reads:

Don’t need poppers

Don’t need T

All I need is lube and to crave you in me

For it’s my will to have you that makes me open wide

It’s a lesser man who needs a drug to let you inside

For a real man will do a drug-free withstand

Of a cock pencil-thin or thick like a beer can

Anyway, this night his popper use seemed worst than before. My mistake to even bother, but I started fucking his ass, and I couldn't get a good number of thrust in before he had to sniff his poppers. I tried again, and the same thing happened - another need to sniff. After this 2nd stop, my memory of his popper addiction got more refreshed, which made me get so annoyed that I just quit trying.

There was this Black guy watching. I kept seeing him around throughout the night, but not playing with anybody. After I tapped the Asian to signal my being done trying, he walked away. But just before walking away, he whispered to me, "Make him arch his back."

I looked back and said, "I know what to do."

The Black guy looked back knowing I was annoyed. Because evidently, my annoyance with the situation showed in my voice. And I didn't know which of the 2 withstanding annoyances was more prevalent in my tone: a) the Asian bottom whose lessened his manhood by being unable to take cock without using poppers incessantly, or b) this Black asshole who made himself an asshole by trying to play commentator to my action, when in any free moment I had, I never saw him do anything on his own all night.

When the Black guy made his comment, I never looked him completely in the face as I replied. Because I didn't want to put my eyes on him. For he already annoyed me with his presence by being the common bald Black gym-rat who obviously hits the gym to fit some White-ordained image of what a beautiful Black male should be. So for him to try criticizing me or giving me advice, because of the aforementioned, he needed to start criticizing and advising himself to be an individual, instead of being molded from a gay media-influenced cookie-cutter.

Furthermore, the fact that this guy's commentary came from him not even knowing the history of what I've experienced with this Asian guy and his popper use. And even furthermore, we are talking about the male sexual ego. A male at a sex party with any degree of logical thinking wants to be cheered on from the sidelines. Not guided by some other voice besides his own.

Now, do I go to sex parties and as far as I'm concerned see tops doing their bottoms wrong? ABSOLUTELY. But I leave them be. For they're 2 consenting adults, and what is going on between them is just that - between them. Therefore, they are to play director to one another. You need to stop being a nosey busy-body no-action-having little faggot, and stay the fuck out of it!

When you're at a sex party, the only sounds you really want to hear are the moans, groans, slaps from body contact, and the whispers and hollars from the pleasure - in short, the symphony of sex. All other sounds like your conversations and you commentating in someone's ear makes you a nuisance. At least for me, I don't need my ego stroked about how good a fuck I am by someone who I'm not fucking. I mean is my dick in your hole or in his? Exactly, HIS. So shut the fuck up! Thank you kind-LY.

Now, whether watching sex in a porn movie or at a sex party, I'm sure we all have the thoughts like, "Yeah, he's pounding that ass!", "Yeah, he's tearing that pussy UP!", or "Boy, he's givin' it to 'em!"

Keywords, people ---- "INSIDE VOICE!!!!!"

Yes, I'm thinking the same thing. Yes, I'm getting turned on. But my dick just went limp by hearing your out-of-control yap. Because your inability to keep it as an inner-thought makes it seem that you came here not out of the fun of watching sex (and maybe getting some yourself), but out of a desperation for sex so severe that you can't control yourself. And that will only lessen how attractive a self-assured person is going to find you. Now, if you came here to be the recipient of a mercy fuck - keep up the good work. But do your search over by someone else. Someone whose stupidity and lack of self-assurance makes them need that ego boost from you. The "stupidity" I speak of is because you're supposed to get reassurance of your skill from your partner who is suppose to receive pleasure from your body, not some random voyeur with no such connection. And your lack of self-assurance is shown by you taking a compliment or critique with no regard as to whether or not it's the proper source of a compliment or critique.

Sometimes this commentating is not only done by words. It can also be done by action. I've had a few occasions at sex parties and backrooms where I'm giving or receiving oral sex, and someone besides the receiver puts their hand of the giver's head to guide him. Again, WHO THE FUCK ASKED YOU?!

If I'm the one receiving, the guy who put their hands on the giver's head looks annoyed when I move his hand. And I don't care. Because putting your hand on him to guide his head is not your place. Since it's my dick in his mouth, it's my call. And if I'm the giver, then it's vice versa. Either way, communication is to be between the giver and receiver. Therefore everyone else, BACK OFF, SHUT THE HELL UP, and KEEP YOUR HANDS TO YOUR-FUCKIN'-SELF!!!

With all that said, I'm going to close by saying this...Whatever you're overcompensating for, get your shit together, and stop being an oversized gnat in a guy's ear making him pay for it! Just because your lack of social grace has you miserable, do not try making us your company. Because if you think you're lonely now,...and no, I am not about to say the rest of those Bobby Womack lyrics....

What I'm saying is, if you think you're lonely now, ...your whispers shows ugliness to make sure you stay that way.

HIV, STDs & The Power of CHOICE

Earlier this month, I made up this collage and posted it on this blog and on Facebook. I knew being as brief as it was that it might require some explanation. Because truth be told, as much as many of us try to put forth the facade that we don't need things explained to us, reactions prove otherwise.

Such as the exchange between me and a Facebook friend via the comments when I posted the photo there. While I understand where he is coming from with a great deal of what he said. As I said in my reply, my offense to his reaction was that he harped on my using the word "CHOICE". I highlighted the word "CHOICE" out of respect for us all being adults in this situation. So I felt acting like I was wrong for saying "CHOICE" was him greenlighting more of the patronizing safe-sex messages that have been drilled into our heads thus far.

Let me start explaining why I made this collage by saying that I am not pro-barebacking. Nor am I trying to be the condom police intruding upon your bedroom. One reason I made this collage was because I am pro-choice on condom use, and I feel encouraging both of those other extremes is quite dangerous, and I for one am so sick and tired of seeing us adults treated like children over this matter. And the reason adults are treated like children is mainly because of America's attitude towards 1)addressing sexuality with their children, and 2) respecting as adults we have the power of choice. So this leaves the media to try doing the job parents should have started since the children were late pre-teens and continued from there.

I want the media to respect us, the target audience. But in order to show that respect, whether parents did their part of not, certain aspects of sex must be taken into account by the media if these messages to combat contracting HIV and other STDs are to have the desired effect of decreased transmissions.
TAKE NOTE of how the nature of sex is to be in the heat of the moment.
TAKE NOTE how as adults we have inner voices that gives us the power of choice.
TAKE NOTE that  the nature of sex is that there should not be a barrier between you and your partner. Therefore, sex with a condom is unnatural. However, because of the times we live in with various STDs that we may need to go against nature. Therefore,...
TAKE NOTE that which based on the aforementioned nature of sex (being in the heat of the moment) going against nature is not always so easy to do. And also
TAKE NOTE that we live in a time where more and more people (young and old) are using sex to fill emotional voids made by physically and emotionally unavailable parents and significant others, mainly due to putting career before family.

If all these things are taken into account, we can try to come forth with a more effective, and less condescending message. I say "try" because the sexual repression of our society has done its damage to both, our youth and our adults. On a subject like sex, no matter how well-intended these safe-sex messages are, you can't treat an adult like a child and expect him/her to respond without rebellion. Instead, they are going to listen to nature, which is sex void of that barrier called a "condom", even though they're aware of the fact that it includes risks. So all you can appeal to now is their adult power of choice.

Hence why in that Facebook commentary, when the matter was brought up about when making a choice that you are also choosing the consequences, part of my response was to ask him as I now ask you, ...Do you REALLY think we don't know about the consequences of our actions? This is what I mean in us adults being treated like children in regards to the matter of condom use and STD transmissions. We are well aware of the consequences, but we are talking about SEX - an act that has a nature of being done in the heat of the moment. This is why if someone falters in their condom use, you have little to no right to play judge, jury, and executioner. Doing so tells me that you pointing and shaking that "Shame on you" finger at someone is your way of making yourself seem sexually superior (which you're not), since you're trying to distract others from seeing how many times you've made that same mistake, or different ones in judgement.

This may seem like I'm not getting off topic, but I'm not. I'm just taking a moment to elaborate on how in saying "different mistakes", I am referring to another reason I made this collage. It was to counter the infantile and hypocritical antics of some anti-barebacking porn directors. Such as loud-mouths like Chi Chi LaRue with his "Shut Your Hole" PSA, and Michael Lucas with his alleged rules towards performers who have done bareback porn. Before buying into their crap, be aware of their different (and still repeating) mistakes in judgement of making a fetish of Black males, and encouraging life on the down low with their swift hiring of "gay-for-pay" bitches in denial porn performers. The hypocrisy of these and other porn directors should be found astounding, but after my experience in the industry it's not surprising at all. For I have long said that we most of us were told about condom use before most of us even  faced the reality of our being some degree of gay. So blaming porn producers like Treasure Island or Dark Alley Media is scapegoating. I will give credit where credit is due, and say that at least most these barebacking companies don't use "gay-for-pay" bitches in denial. Unlike Corbin Fisher, Sean Cody, and Bel Ami who have started to use barebacking as a way to compete in the game, but try to lessen the heat of scrutiny with claims of mandatory testing prior to shooting, which is not 100% fool-proof. Now, Chi Chi LaRue, Michael Lucas, and the like may use condoms, but they're guilty of the same scapegoating.


And though I don't owe you this, I'm only confessing this to further prove that I practice what I preach, and have been doing so for quite some time now.
In early 2003, within my first year after coming out, I contracted a STD. I sat in Chelsea clinic unlike I am now, uneducated about HIV and other STDs, but fearing HIV mainly, even though I used a condom with the person I got that STD from. But while waiting for the diagnosis and possible treatment, I told myself, "Whatever happens LeNair, you made a CHOICE to suck that guy's dick. You made a CHOICE to let him suck on yours. And since it takes 2 to tango, he made a CHOICE to let you suck his dick. And he made a CHOICE to put his mouth on yours." So on that day, I taught myself to own the consequences of my actions, and how the foundation of much of what happens to us is CHOICE.
And FYI - the STD turned out being syphilis.


All this said, the bottom line message of that collage is as I said in my Facebook comment:
I made this picture to combat the patronizing rhetoric and say, "I respect you have the intellect to know what to do, BUT it is up to you to do it. And if you don't, then that's on you and whoever CONSENTS to being with you.
If you go bareback and get HIV or some other STD, that's your fault. OWN IT! Even if you asked their status, they say they're disease-free, so you go bareback, and get something, that's your fault as well. OWN IT!"

Like I said before, it's all about us being adults, and treated as such. Acknowledge that, then maybe we can create a message to slow transmissions down.

F**k Me With Your Eyes,....Then Enter

Back near the end of May, I was a featured performer in an erotica salon called Titillating Tongues. Since my performance was so well-received, I have been wanting to go back to possibly debut other new material via their open mic slots.

Well, I finally have some things I'm comfortable taking there. I have written a poem and a song that I am very much looking forward to debuting not on my blog, but before a live audience. And if you're in New York City on November 16th, I very much hope that you can be there to hear them. Bringing the great support you've shown me via cyberspace into the real world.

For one, my poem,

I will be debuting this poem at the next Titillating Tongues. Using erotica, it will address being courted by a guy "on the down low".

Also, I will be debuting a song a cappella that is a happy ending to my poem, "Run From The Fun". A song entitled,
"Enter Me, Enter You"

It is an open mic, so you never know who will take the mic before or after me. Maybe even YOU. Just know beforehand that you have 6 minutes to dazzle the audience with your erotic work if you do, and sign-up for the open mic starts at 7:00 PM, while the show starts at 8 PM. But whether you participate as a performer, or an audience member, if past experience is any indicator, you can be sure that the trip will be something worth your while.

The cover charge is $10. No drink minimum to my knowledge. So get your tickets in advance, especially if you want to guarantee yourself a slot in the open mic. Just click on the event's logo, or the link below it.

http://eroticalprnyc.eventbrite.com/?ref=ecal

TITILLATING TONGUES

The Gallery at LPR (Le Poisson Rouge)

Downstairs Gallery Bar
158 Bleecker Street
New York, NY 10012

Friday, November 16, 2012 

Open Mic sign-up - 7:00 PM

Show - 8:00 PM to 10:00 PM

I hope to see you there.

Porn, ...KISS!

I closed 2011 quite proud of myself. I continued to sever my ties with people in the porn industry. And the severing continued in the dawn of 2012, as I upped the ante by deleting double-digit gigabytes of porn off my hard-drive and unfollowing some of the porn-related personalities that I was following on Twitter. For I felt with them, there was too much contradiction and pandering to the porn powers-that-be, as well as praising of sexually depraved behavior, like same-sex incest and humiliation of bottoms.

Some people have told me that I seem bitter and angry about leaving the porn industry. What if I am? For if these people would open their eyes, they would see that I have good reason to be.

I know that I have said this many times before. but for this I must re-iterate - I entered the porn industry before coming out gay or bisexual was as mainstream as it is today. With that being the case, the porn industry was my way to be symbolic of someone comfortable with his homosexuality for those who were in "orientation-limbo" like I once was, yet fearful to admitting to their own homosexuality. My plan was to use interviews as my voice to the public telling how I overcame my religion-induced shame and suicidal thoughts to be the sexually-liberated man I have become. It was my blogging that became more of a voice, but the fact remains my being in porn is how that voice was able to reach the public.

However, the porn industry showed itself to have no interest in such a plight as mine, and became practically every negative stigma associated with it. From the rampant drug use, to the pimp/prostitute relationship of director and porn actor, to the desperation for validation. And I admit that I have allowed the 2nd, and am more than guilty of the 3rd. So considering my noble reasons for entering the porn industry, should I not feel bitter about needing to leave? Should I not be angry that the porn industry showed itself to be such an ugly environment when I tried giving it the benefit of the doubt?

Truth is, I have every right be seething with bitterness and anger.

And if you don't understand why, imagine YOURSELF in my position. Maybe you've lived it already, but just won't admit to it.

See a business in which feel you can be an asset to becomes the launchpad for you voicing your convictions. Yet, it turns out to not be at all the good things you had hoped to associate yourself with. In fact, it is such a total opposite that you find yourself needing to part ways with it. Wouldn't you find yourself bitter and angry towards it? And if thinking of a business doesn't help you to understand the situation, then use a significant other as an example. What if it was a significant other that you felt with whom you found your voice, broke out of your shell, and came into your own? Then after investing so much of yourself in that person, that person turns out to not be the great individual you originally thought you were associating with?

Now, if you can't understand why I may come off bitter and angry with examples such as that, then it's simple - you are an idiot and a hopeless case. Because that says it all.

I must also call out these people who want to call me bitter and angry after leaving the porn industry, and further their foolishness by saying to me, "Why don't you stop complaining and do something about it? Why don't you start your own company?"

Such a line is that of a pimp, a punk, and a side-seat-driver with their own lives, because these people are sitting on the sidelines watching me and calling me "bitter and angry", meanwhile:
(1)they refuse to acknowledge that by my speaking out about the wrongs I have seen, I am doing plenty more to change the industry than the people presently connected to the porn industry are doing. Those connected to the industry being not just producers, directors, and actors, but porn bloggers as well. Hence why I have severed my ties with so many of them. Sure, some studios are bringing more people of color into varying roles. But it says a lot about their lack of character for it to take losing money by way a recession and pirating of their overpriced product for them to give men of color a better try; and
(2) any adult with common sense knows that it takes money to make money. And with the chump change people of color are given in the porn industry, it is geared for us to never start our own company. So the only alternatives would be a) allow myself to be backed by a modern-day slave owner like Phil Bleicher of FlavaWorks, or b)save up money by turning a gazillion tricks as a prostitute - off-camera AND on, or c)something else illegal. And porn is not important enough for me to contradict my respect for sex by having it with numerous people I am not attracted to all for the sake of funding my own porn company for your entertainment.

So if you want a porn company so bad, you get your trollish ass out there and turn tricks to fund it! Stop living on the sidelines looking for someone else to do your dirty work!

With all that said, what makes me angry are drama-seekers. Such as anyone nowadays claiming that I'm bitter and angry. For I am not bitter and angry about leaving porn. I will admit that initially I was, but since the better things that have come my way since (such as what 2011 brought my way), that bitterness and anger is gone, and has now morphed into disappointment. And for the reasons I stated earlier for having a right to be bitter and angry, those same reasons now justify my disappointment.

While I still do and always will have my dark side, there is a light in my life now guiding me to better days. So that time in porn doesn't cripple me from seeing, grasping, and holding on to the great prospects ahead.