No Longer Mr. Handsome NYC

Back in June, I won the title of Mr. Handsome NYC.

Part of my requirements as winner is to throw a fundraiser. I was all for this. In fact, I started contacting possible sponsors like immediately after winning. However, my selection and what was promised by those possible sponsors was looked upon as bare-boned. My search for sponsors was so brief because I was unaware of how much went into doing such a fundraiser, since I had never done such a thing. Plus in this case, I was unaware that the money for the benefiting organization did not come from a portion of admission. So with my writing 3 blogs, doing appearances, and as a union brother reminded me when I posted about this matter on Facebook, 1 or 2 union bargaining sessions each month since my day job unionized, there is no time for me to take on such an undertaking.

I offered the host, Hunteur that instead of doing a fundraiser, to simply host one night of the Handsome NYC party where I could choose a theme, decent porn, and music to set the mood. I believe since I had never done a fundraiser before, hosting a party night would me a much more reasonable dip of my toe in the water or organizing an event than adding fundraising to those duties.

Well, my offer to simply host a party was denied. So I was instead asked for the return on my crown, which is fine by me.

 For being the perfectionist that I am, I saw the crash-course offered of how to make a fundraiser being against my work ethic. I need to have the time to give my all. I was given a full year of my reign to make that fundraiser happen, but with all that I am presently doing, it would have still been a rush job to do an entire fundraiser.

Furthermore, I can't work with my position in gay nightlife being misconstrued as it was. For it was believed that I was greatly involved in gay nightlife. This is a great misconception that could have been avoided by paying close attention to my writing, and what kind of notoriety and lack of notoriety it results in.

For anyone who really takes note of what I write would realize what I write about gay nightlife is from the position of being an observer. Not by any means do my writings show me to be "connected" on such a friendly level with anyone in gay nightlife to be considered "involved". If I was, then how come after all of these years of blogging about gay nightlife have I never received a Glam Award nomination? Exactly. So entertaining that misconception was an added pressure I won't allow. Nor am I under any obligation to prove or disprove it.

Looking back on this, I realize now that part of the reason for the lack of contestants which allowed me to win that contest by default might be because of another reason besides the pretentiousness in gay NYC now. I feel the lack of contestants might be because possible contestants know someone who has done fundraising already. Thereby giving the potential contestant knowledge that I didn't have. They already knew about the barrage of emailing and back and forth that must be done for a fundraiser where the money to the beneficiary does not come from the admission. Either that, or they don't have the online following to feel confident in doing as much as host a party like I had offered. So they bowed out of the idea of competing. With that said, I believe that if the responsibilities after winning are scaled down some, then contestants who sign up (then actually show up) might not be so hard to come by.

In any case, I hope the best of luck to my alternate. I'll get the crown back to Hunteur when I'm out and about at that time. As for those who showed me such support before, during, and after winning the contest, I give to you a WHOLEHEARTED THANK YOU. 💋

Using Modus Vivendi To Say "Black IS Beautiful": Blacks ARE Good Enough, Part 1

As some of you may know that I once wrote a blog post about a sex party I attended entitled "My Sex Drive at Hard Drive". Since then, I have gotten weekly updates on the party, including the changing of the name to Handsome NYC.

A couple of weeks ago, the weekly email told of a fashion show for the underwear/swimwear company Modus Vivendi was to take place at the party. The email also included a call for models. Due to the lack of medium to darker complexioned Black male underwear models, I was sure most Black guys' faith would be shaken. Therefore, not submit their names out of fear of rejection in being chosen. So I decided to throw my name in the hat as a way to say those racists, and Blacks doubting their beauty:

Modeling in a fashion show at a sex party might seem like an extreme means to make such a statement, but as a single, exhibitionist gay Black man, I had to go where the opportunity to make this much-needed statement presented itself. 

And it's sad that I had to use an event intended for fun to make such a statement, but it's times like these that make me call for the removal of many present powers-that-be in gay media. For it is them who put the idea in many people's head that "Black is not beautiful". A falsehood I have for years been battling.

Now, I'm sure there are some racists who saw me in the fashion show, and/or photos who followed the "fashion" world's lead by feeling my Black skin in the mix ruined everything. Especially with me being the FIRST to walk out on the runway.
Well, if that's their problem, then they need to get out of the color-filled melting pot that is America. For based on the comments and likes group photos like the one above have received, my presence proved that Black skin in the midst of light ruins nothing. And if they refuse to see that, then whatever age they are, they can't say about their so-called beauty what I can honestly say about mine. Which is:
 
I am a 43 year-old Black male who is in better mental and physical shape than many of the 20 and 30-somethings who turned up their noses at my presence in the fashion show, the photos, and this video. So all I care about their gripe is the undeniable fact that it proves my inner and outer beauty outdoes theirs.


So with that said, to all you envying haters, have a nice so-called life.

And to my friends and followers, THANK YOU, for your continued support. :-)

Read Part 2, "Fuck, I'm Sexy!" HERE.

Porno Bingo For The Rainbow Book Fair

January 7, 2011. It was a night to remember.

Most might recall it marking 3 years since my infamous face-to-face verbal confrontation with Diesel Washington. However, it's the event that the confrontation took place at that was the most important to me. For January 7th also marks 3 years since Men of All Colors Together presented me debuting my poetry series with a Q & A telling all many try to ignore about the gay porn industry - simply titled, "The Industry".

Before his untimely death, the host of the sex party, Hot Jock Party helped to promote my event by including mention of it in his emails. I was a regular, and I did attend last party held before my event. I recall telling the clothes check guy about it, him saying how great an idea it was, as well as him saying, "Something good is going to come out of that. You watch."

On the outside, I smiled and said, "Why thank you!". But while hoping for the best, but expecting the worst, my inside voice was saying to him, "You've got to be out of your damn mind! Ain't shit going to come of this!"

Well, fast forward to the morning of January 8, 2011, the day after "The Industry" debuts. I wake up around 10 a.m. checking emails with no expectations in my post wake-up haze. Turns out I did have new email. The 1st email being from someone who attended my poetry reading.

He complimented me on my poetry. He also complimented me no how I handled myself during the Q & A. Both compliments I greatly appreciated, but more so the latter compliment because there were a couple of argumentative dumb-asses there besides Diesel Washington. So being praised on handling them said that I did something right. But in addition to these compliments came him mentioning certain positions that he held, and how he would be willing to assist in my involvement. Such as being involved in with the Leslie-Lohman Museum of Gay & Lesbian Art, as well as The Rainbow Book Fair. Reading this began taking me out of my post wake-up haze. As well as realize that the clothes check guy at that sex party was foreseeing the future. For this is for starters, how I got to meet staffers at the Leslie-Lohman, and how I've been one of the many poets reading in The Rainbow Book Fair's Poetry Salon since March 2011.

So it is this audience member's kindness that got me involved in those and some of the other things you have read about my involvement in over the past 3 years. Such as my modeling for the Leslie-Lohman Drawing Studio, my bartending at Leslie-Lohman openings (which led to a modeling gig), and my drawing "Bi-Butterfly" being in the Leslie-Lohman exhibit, "Queer Art and the Church". 

Now, this gentleman made me aware of the Leslie-Lohman, but he played no part in that drawing being displayed. For when he saw me at the exhibit opening, he though I was just being another art connoisseur. He was actually surprised to see that I actually submitted a piece. However, with such good deeds in mind, it is understandable that I feel that January 8th is a day to remember. So this coming Wednesday, January 8th, with The Rainbow Book Fair as the beneficiary of the night at The Will Clark Show featuring Porno Bingo, then I should be there to show my support.

Some of you might be thinking that with the way I feel about the porn industry now that this might be a hypocritical move. Trust me, it's not. For despite what I think of the porn industry, I'm well aware that without it in my past, I would not be on the upward road I am presently on. So I have no qualms lending my support to a porn-related event when the big picture has it is being for a good cause. And that definitely includes a night like The Will Clark Show featuring Porno Bingo having The Rainbow Book Fair as a beneficiary. For The Rainbow Book Fair is how I've gotten my name to some gay publishers as well as how I became a model for Next Door Magazine that year. You see, I always look at the big picture, and take note of how wide that ripple has spread from that one little drop into a pond.

Most artists' success starts from them being honest and facing bad occurrences  and calling themselves out on bad decisions. Sometimes telling that truth turns into a financial success. Though it is always most importantly, both a mental and emotional success that brings tranquility. And presenting "The Industry" was definitely a mental and emotional success bringing me tranquility. So I'm glad to celebrate its anniversary by attending an event that benefits a good thing that resulted from it. If you're in NYC, I hope you'll stop by and show your support.

The Underwear Expert's Rookie of the Week - LeNair Xavier

I recently submitted some pics through the UnderwearExpert.com's Model Search Tumblr blog, and I have become this week's Rookie of the Week. See their blog posting at:

http://www.underwearexpert.com/2013/05/rookie-of-the-week-lenair-xavier/

Though it's not a modeling campaign, in light of points I made in "Black Guys Wear Underwear, Too!" this means a lot to me. For it's a start in combating not 1, 2, but 3 things:

1)The inexcusable lack of Black underwear models by the modeling world;

2)When Black models are used, they are practically always 6' or more and obvious gym-bodies, meanwhile White and light-complexioned Latino models can come in more of a variety of both heights and degrees of fit physiques. Meaning there's an unfair higher expectation of body maintenance made for Blacks if they want to be featured. So imagine my gladness in this title with me being only 5'6", about 140 lbs., with no gym regimen. Lastly,

3) Gay media rarely taking pride in any well-maintained gay males over 30. And even less if you're over 40, which I am after turning 42 on March 31st.

So I hope this brief title in some way inspires others to take care of themselves, and no matter what the media says, never quit showing how your color gives you a beauty worthy of acknowledgment.

F**k Me With Your Eyes,....Then Enter

Back near the end of May, I was a featured performer in an erotica salon called Titillating Tongues. Since my performance was so well-received, I have been wanting to go back to possibly debut other new material via their open mic slots.

Well, I finally have some things I'm comfortable taking there. I have written a poem and a song that I am very much looking forward to debuting not on my blog, but before a live audience. And if you're in New York City on November 16th, I very much hope that you can be there to hear them. Bringing the great support you've shown me via cyberspace into the real world.

For one, my poem,

I will be debuting this poem at the next Titillating Tongues. Using erotica, it will address being courted by a guy "on the down low".

Also, I will be debuting a song a cappella that is a happy ending to my poem, "Run From The Fun". A song entitled,
"Enter Me, Enter You"

It is an open mic, so you never know who will take the mic before or after me. Maybe even YOU. Just know beforehand that you have 6 minutes to dazzle the audience with your erotic work if you do, and sign-up for the open mic starts at 7:00 PM, while the show starts at 8 PM. But whether you participate as a performer, or an audience member, if past experience is any indicator, you can be sure that the trip will be something worth your while.

The cover charge is $10. No drink minimum to my knowledge. So get your tickets in advance, especially if you want to guarantee yourself a slot in the open mic. Just click on the event's logo, or the link below it.

http://eroticalprnyc.eventbrite.com/?ref=ecal

TITILLATING TONGUES

The Gallery at LPR (Le Poisson Rouge)

Downstairs Gallery Bar
158 Bleecker Street
New York, NY 10012

Friday, November 16, 2012 

Open Mic sign-up - 7:00 PM

Show - 8:00 PM to 10:00 PM

I hope to see you there.

Halted Rep By Comings In Sex, Life & Love

Lately, I've been either promoting, writing, or rehearsing  for some kind of deadline. It is the reason why this blog has not been able to live up to its reputation of tackling the hard topics so many gay media sources aren't man enough to address. So my Facebook and Twitter posts have been the source of my venting. And even though they say that they agree, I have received complaints about how those Facebook and Twitter posts come off as me either "always complaining" or being "angry". Well for those who agree with what I say, yet complain that I complain too much and/or come off angry, there's a question I have for YOU:

While you're agreeing with me, and not only are you saying nothing, but you're also hobnobbing with the culprits I'm speaking of, if I don't say something, then who will? Who will shed light on the wrong doing so that a change comes about. Because as we can see, it certainly won't be YOU, or your "friends".

Now with that said, I THANK ALL OF YOU who appreciate what I do, what I stand for, and support those things by your repeat trips to this blog. I check my blog stats often, and your support does not go unnoticed or unappreciated. And to show my appreciation, let me update you on what's been occupying my time so much. As they all relate to what this blog was created to show an appreciation for ----SEX, LIFE & LOVE.

SEX
The recent post, "Me and Titillating Tongues" told of my upcoming appearance at the erotica salon "Titillating Tongues" presented by The Inspired Word. I am presently rehearsing both the a cappella song I wrote and the burlesque routine I'm choreographing to perform for that night. That night being Tuesday, May 22nd from 7 - 9 PM at the Huon Club which is within the SoHo Playhouse.

All of my other featured appearances have come with a suggested donation at the most, but there is a $10 cover for this event. If you are in NYC, or plan to come here on May 22nd, you can get your tickets HERE.

I look forward to seeing and meeting as many of you as possible.

LIFE
On May 20th, the very Sunday before "Titillating Tongues" I will once again be participating in AIDS Walk New York. I don't need to tell you that while great advances have been made since the discovery of HIV/AIDS, the battle for a cure is not over. And since so many of you repeatedly read this blog, I would greatly appreciate you showing your love for it by sponsoring me as I walk.

So please help me get this closer to over by make a donation by going to http://AIDSWalkNewYork2012.kintera.org/lenairx

LOVE
After 10 years out as a predominately gay bisexual, dating, but never having an actual boyfriend, I have decided to look at my love life and put together a list to show why I am single. This will be a video blog posting that will have a transcript available should any legitimate media source be interested in acquiring it.

So now that you know what I've been up to that has been keeping this blog from living up to its reputation, I hope you will continue your support in all that I do as you have thus far. THANKS AGAIN.

Becoming Mr. Mistress - text version

Due to the quick popularity of my last podcast, I have decided to comply with request of having it in text form. Thanks to those who helped to make it such a success.

I define myself as a predominately gay bisexual. However, this situation is one that is all too common in this technological age regardless of your age, gender, ethnicity, religion, or sexual orientation. So I strongly advise you to read this, and feel free to pass it along to friends who might have, are presently, or are on the verge of living this scenario.

What made me need to tell this story is because I have been in 3-ways, and even felt like I was nearing being propositioned to be part of a 3-way partnership. But in all of my sexual experiences and online encounters, you might be shocked to learn that I have never experience something like this.

About 3 weeks ago, I got a friend request on Facebook. The guy said that we chatted on the gay hook-up website, Adam4Adam a couple of years ago. He also lives here in NYC. As with my most people, before I accept their friend request, I checked their info. Hence why there are some people right now waiting for me to accept their friend requests but I won’t because there is just too little information available to me about them and their friends. And some of them look like kids, and I’ll be damned if I’m going to have Chris Hansen from Dateline NBC’s “To Catch A Predator” busting down my door, with cops cuffing me, and taking my computer for suspicion of pedophilia. That shit is not happening.

Anyway, after I accepted his friend request, he started chatting with me. Our chats (all of which he initiated) always wound up with us exchanging very sexual flirtations. As this went on, I began considering picking up where we left off in our exchanges on Adam4Adam. But to be sure, I went to his profile to see some things. His relationship status – but there was nothing listed in that regard. So I went to the back-up, his photos. I saw a guy in some of the pics that the body language suggested he was more than a friend. The date on those pics was July. Now with relationships being as fleeting as they are these days, I thought that relationship might be over and he just never deleted the pictures. The same way Toby, the guy from my poem "Paying (Ends---My Friend)" is still on my friends list with him tagged in my drawings that symbolize his bad behavior. However, with this guy, as our chats continued, he always said things that if you didn’t read between the lines like I do, you might not realize that this relationship of his wasn’t at all over. But he never came right out and said it like he should have, especially since no words stated so on his profile. The problem was that while I was figuring this out, my desire to come face to face with him was starting to grow again, just as it did when we exchanged messages on Adam4Adam.

One of our flirtation conversations led to him saying to me, “…too damn bad i didn't meet you when we first started talking, …something tells me we could've had a lot of fun. i still imagine we would."

I said in reply, “Obviously, you do.”

He said, “oh, why so obvious? Lol”

And that’s when I dropped the bomb by saying, “Well, having a taken man tell you how he's been turned on by you, can't be more obvious than that.”

He confirmed how true that was and then apologized if I felt it was inappropriate of him to talk to me so much or in that way, or if it was unfair to me. I told him that if I didn’t do my research and see his pictures, I wouldn’t have known about his boyfriend, because he never mentioned him. So his actions were unfair. And not just to me, but to his boyfriend as well. He agreed and told me that he loves his boyfriend, and he would never cheat on him. But it’s just that at times he feels a bit trapped, sexually.

Well, since I don’t know much about him and nothing at all about his boyfriend, nor am I behind their closed doors, I won’t doubt as to whether or not he loves his boyfriend. But how many times have we seen this scenario? How many entertainment and political scandals have started out this way in recent years because of this technological age of social media websites making us able to lay the ground work of meeting someone? Yet one party professes their love for and faithfulness to their significant other while pretty much saying all the words to court another? Waaaaay too many!

Now let’s go back to when he said that he at times feels trapped, sexually. He says that my openness about sex is part of what drew him to me. Now, correct me if I’m wrong, but shouldn’t that sexual openness and adventurous spirit have been a requirement he made of his boyfriend before taking up with him? The same way I said in a recent blog post how I could never be in a monogamous relationship with a guy who is a total top or a total bottom, because my versatility is going to make me crave both the dick and ass of that man. And denying me of either will only spark me to look outside of that relationship. Now, if you tell me beforehand that there is a physical reason for you to be a total top or bottom, and I accept it, then I can’t complain. Or if something happens to you physically during the course of our relationship that makes you a total top or bottom, then I should accept it and be monogamous. Otherwise, what halts you is mental, and I am under no obligation to proceed with attempting a monogamous relationship with you. And this is a conversation we need to have before we call ourselves “a couple”.

So if my sexual openness and adventurous spirit is such a draw to him, then it only makes sense for me to conclude that his feeling sexually trapped is born from one of 3 things:

(1) he’s having issues with having sex with the same person all the time, which is not uncommon.

(2) his boyfriend is what they call “vanilla”. Meaning that he doesn’t do too much outside the norm, and there might not be much communication about what he does within that norm. This is communication that should have been had before they called themselves “a couple”.

Whatever reason he has bouts of feeling sexually trapped, it’s why some couples are into 3-somes, swinging, and open relationships. But also, it doesn’t justify him leading anyone on, or putting himself in the position to be unfaithful since being in one of those more sexually open relationships doesn’t seem to be an option for him. Or

3) some combination of 1 & 2.

Now, it’s inevitable that at some point, one of us would have propositioned a meeting, and the other would have agreed. It was inevitable because it is a natural instinct put in us human beings that when we feel trapped, we are to seek escape. So what if I was such a lonely soul that I decided to offer myself as this guy’s escape from that feeling of being sexually trapped? Or what if he propositioned me to come face to face at long last? Maybe just to talk. Maybe more. Consciously, or subconsciously, no matter how much he claims that he would never cheat on his boyfriend, it’s a line we’ve heard of too many times before, as he would have been putting himself in the position to be unfaithful. And I also would have lessened my worth as a person by being a party to it.

Now, they say it’s a small world. By both of us living here in New York City, it makes it even more probable that even in a city this big that, I could very easily run into this guy and his boyfriend. And it should be hell on my conscience to look his boyfriend in the face. Now, the question is while it should be hell on my conscience, would I risk lessening my worth because I’m that lonely a soul?

Well, I’m going to put it to you like this, …I have no intention of being Kat Von D. to this guy’s possible Jessie James. Having Karma kick my ass because of what I did to his boyfriend’s  possible part as Sandra Bullock. In short, NO, I am not lessening my worth, nor am I that lonely a soul.

I admit to having my moments of loneliness. But 1) no one should find a piece of ass, a piece of dick, or a piece of pussy worth all that hiding and bad karma. Especially, when at the end of the day, until that person gets caught, he/she is going back to the real significant other. The significant other that he/she shares a life, maybe a home, and maybe even children with. And 2) I love myself enough to not be someone’s consolation prize. Which is what you’ll become when that person gets caught and thrown out on his/her ass. Everyone’s goal in their love life should not be a consolation prize. But instead, demand that they are THE PRIZE.

It’s sad how someone into monogamy can immediately communicate to someone they’re seeing how that person is not their type once that person reveals being in the sex industry. Yet, they can’t bring themselves to talk about their own sexual nature, be it mild or wild. Well, the reason why it seems so easy is because the monogamous person doesn’t have to communicate to the person in the sex industry that a union between them won’t work. Because CIRCUMSTANCE did the talking for them. CIRCUMSTANCE allowed them to maintain their being tongue-tied by way of sexual repression. And I’m not saying that the monogamous person is sexual repressed because he/she isn’t so sexual open enough to be in the sex trade. I’m saying he/she is sexually repressed because they won’t communicate with their partner what they want sexually. Or for the sake of not being alone, they settle. Which is why some relationships involving people of 2 opposing sexual natures come to fruition, even though they should have never gotten started in the first place. Unfortunately, there comes a time when one or both parties can’t lie about it anymore, and the opposing sexual natures surface so much that a parting of the ways is a must.

Now before I continue, some of you might not realize that I do need to clarify what I mean by “monogamous”. For there are those in the sex trade like some porn actors and prostitutes who are part of a couple, who show that they are dumber than a box of hair by claiming “outside of work, we’re monogamous”. Truth be told----NO THE FUCK YOU ARE NOT!!!! Because your male significant other is getting his dick wrapped nice and snug in a 98.6 degree hole, be that hole a mouth, ass, or pussy that is NOT yours, and your male or female significant other is getting his or her 98. 6 degree hole, be it a mouth, ass, or pussy stuffed better than the turkey you had this past Thanksgiving with a male’s dick that is NOT your own. The short version is, no matter what the situation you put yourself in, if you’re fucking somebody besides your significant other, you are NOT monogamous. Don’t try to bullshit me just because you’re dumb enough to try to bullshit yourself.

Therefore, these people need to stop lying to us and themselves, and start communicating the truth. Just like any member of a couple needs to when they feel in some way trapped. Because circumstance is not going to always do the talking for you. For it happens more often than not that you’re going to have to be an adult, therefore make an adult decision, therefore have an adult conversation. Otherwise, the situation that I am speaking of now, or worse is the situation that you end up with.

There is a part of me that thinks had I kept up with communicating with this guy, that I would have no need to do this podcast, because we’ve experienced each other, and might still be together. But make no mistake, I am by no means doing this podcast as a regret song of “Shoulda, Coulda, Woulda”.

Because you may have come to know of me by way of the internet, but when it comes to my social life, I deal with the real world. Even though I have profiles on Adam4Adam, Manhunt, Gaydar, BBRT, DudesNudes, and maybe some others I’m forgetting right now, the fact remains that the overwhelming majority of guys in my life have been met by venturing out into the real world. Some might say they don’t have time to go out and meet people. Well guess what? The time it takes you to plant your ass in front of that computer, and make a profile, send an email, or chat online, you could have took your ass out into the real world and met someone. The reason why you won’t is because of you’ve probably become conditioned to play along with the sheer cowardice in communicating by using the less intimate ways that this technological age has greenlighted. My most loyal readers may recall that I’ve had this problem with Danny, and most recently Toby who both text like crazy, instead of being a man about their business and TALK - voice to voice and/or face to face.

And playing into those modernized bad habits is why this guy never heard from me again. I’m not an online or texting type of person when it comes to communicating in my personal relationships. If you live in this city, and want to maintain communication, then up the ante on your communication with me. Because of you don’t…your lost will surely be somebody else’s gain. And you risk the chance that you’ll be left to settle. Which may have very well been the case of the guy I’m talking about now. I don’t know anything about his boyfriend. I don’t know his boyfriend’s personality, sexual likes and dislikes. I know NOTHING. But I’ll tell you what, I’m not going to allow myself to be his “guy on the side” just because he may have decided to settle. With most people that I’m interested in talking to, I give them my blog address. And considering how I reveal so much of my stands on my blog, if they are still interested, then we can go further from there. Because there are so many ways to find me. But this guy waited until now to do it. Well, for me or anybody with worthwhile standards, it’s too little, too late.

And like I said before, he said he wouldn’t cheat on his boyfriend. Do any of you within the sound of my voice really expect me to believe that at some point the temptation would not have become too strong for one or both of us to resist making that next inevitable step? I didn’t think so.

As I said in the intro, this story crosses over the lines of age.\,ethnicity, religion, gender, and sexual orientation. So I hope if you find yourself in such a predicament, you will do the right thing. Because it is the only way you will able to give yourself the pat on the back that I’m giving myself right now – with both hands. Because it’s very easy to say “if that was me, I would have done such and such”. But when the moment of truth arrives, some of us don’t follow through on doing “such and such”. Well, this time, it was me presented with that moment of truth, and I did do “such and such”. Why?

Because I am too damn good to be ANYBODY’s "Mr. Mistress".

Giving THANKS To Porn & YOU

Despite all that I say about the porn industry nowadays, I am thankful for it. For every dark cloud does have a silver lining.

Hence why I am thankful to porn for:

1) showing me how so many of the negative stigmas associated with the porn industry are well deserved;

2) giving so little a life to their loyal blog readers that they are now out of touch with the real world because all their life consist of is watching and jerking off to porn and reading porn blogs. Thereby sucking in all of the low self-esteem, prostitution, racism, and self-denial porn blogs give a platform to; therefore
3) giving its performers, who know that all I am saying is true, one of the worst places to seek the validation they are obviously crying out for;
4) giving me a voice in its underground. One that because of all of the addictions, cowardice, and denials of porn's connoisseurs, producers, directors and performers, I am now vehemently taking my voice above ground. Therefore, above them where it belongs.

So to those of you who I must be thankful for following me from the beginning, and are joining me as I ascend....

Night As A Bartender

Last Thursday, you may recall that I was tending bar at the opening reception for an art sale at Leslie/Lohman Gay Erotic Art Foundation. I wasn't doing any heavy duty bartending since all I was serving was white wine and seltzer water. But being always open for a new experience as I am, I accepted the offer to do the job.

One reason I accepted the job of tending bar that night was because as many of you know by now, I'm a people-watcher. So being in that one area for those 3 hours gave me a post to observe and encounter various types of people. And boy, did I observe and encounter many types.

Another reason I accepted the offer to tend the bar that night was so I could get a taste of experiencing what a bartender or any service person goes through, even though I get a good idea watching it from a compassionate customer's point of view. But it's a different experience when you are actually in the mix of things. As I've already experienced firsthand on my few occasions as a go-go boy, with guys trying to cop a feel and not show appreciation for my dancing my ass off and taking the time to be kind. So I knew there would be those who didn't tip when I got into this. I see it as a patron at every bar and restaurant I been to, and every cab I've rode in.

And if my observations as a patron and times as a go-go boy taught me anything, it taught me to tip based on 2 things:
(1)Taking the TIME to be courteous, and;
(2)Making the EFFORT to do the job effectively, giving some leeway because I usually don't know a service person's experience level.

For the most part, my credo worked in good karma for me. Because what might surprise readers to know (but not the patrons who were eyewitness) is that before that night, I've opened a wine bottle ONLY ONCE before in my life. What worked to my advantage was the fact that the corkscrew was very similar to the one that I own (but rarely use) at home. So even though it's been a few years since I opened a wine bottle, my doing it so often that night made it quickly come back to memory. What made it difficult was the bar being so high (just below my upper abs) that it threw off my body to properly put the screw into the cork. But even when I was having moments of difficulty opening a wine bottle, I still got tipped by the patrons who helped me. They saw me take the TIME to be courteous, and even with my being a novice, they saw my EFFORT to do my job effectively. There were others however who showed themselves to be the aforementioned nightmare of every bartender and service person --- those who don't tip.

Even though I tip at a bar just for ordering a soda, I might expect not tipping from someone who is not much a drinker, because they might not know proper etiquette in such situations. But if you're making repeat trips to the bar, then your bitch-ass knows the protocol.

Of those who made numerous trips to the bar without tipping, would you believe one of them had the fuck-faced audacity to make their "tip" be how to open a wine bottle? To that person, I didn't smile at all. I just stared and let my eyes do the talking like my mother always told me they did.

I let my eyes say, "Back the fuck away from the bar, before I hurt you". Because this guy always asked for ice, especially with a wine spritzer. So when he gave me that "tip", I wanted to pretend to reach for ice, but instead reach into my pocket and get my cell phone and do a Naomi Campbell, hurl it at his head, and WHACK! And when he winds up with a big red mega-knot on his head, THEN hand him some ice while saying, "Here's your ice. I think you need it for that little boo-boo."

He was lucky that I love my cell phone enough to practice the restraint Naomi Campbell didn't.

That guy wasn't the only time I needed to practice restraint. Another came up to the bar, and while pouring his glass, I hear the clinging of coins going into the tip jar. Yes, COINS! After the opening reception, and emptying the tip jar, I saw how much it amounted to, and it doesn't really matter whether it was 1 cent or $1 in coins, there is a problem with this.

It's 2011, and we're all adults. Who else but the obviously pretentious tips a grown-up with coins - no matter how much they amount to. I am not a charity, a bum on the street, or an employee of a place like Dunkin' Donuts where I see that kind of tipping is encouraged by a low-rising mug being placed on the counter. People should be mindful of that sort of thing. Because things like this might justifiably happen in return:

This next guy was another I needed to practice restraint with. Not only did he not tip, but his main crime was that he stunk, as in major body odor. I wanted to tell this guy, "Look, God put it in man's mind to create soap AND a shower. It is a damn shame that you came in here without choosing to invest time in using either!"

Now, I knew I had to practice restraint in this instance as well, because I knew if I said anything to him about his body odor and how offensive it was, my reaction would have included giving him a make-shift shower by pouring on him the melted ice that was in the bucket where we were keeping cold the first bottles of wine.

If we were at a real bar, I could have done to that dimwit what gets done to the dimwit in this video:

Despite the flawed judgement of these people, just as they say "every dark cloud has a silver lining"----every clear blue sky has a dark cloud that has to pass through for a moment. These people were the dark clouds that passed through my clear blue sky. Because overall, I enjoyed myself IMMENSELY. And while I got into more detail of the bad of the evening, it didn't overpower the good of the evening.

The good of the evening including the various people asking me if I was a model, and how they lit up to discover that I've actually modeled for the drawing studio before. One such encounter may have even got me another shot at modeling for them. Because when the patron who was an artist was complimenting me, the studio's director  just happened to come up to the bar. So the conversation between me and the patron turned into a conversation between the patron and the studio director.

As I said before, I like meeting a variety of people. That can be seen more evidently if you saw my friends. Most of whom have never met each other because they don't hang out in the same kind of places as one another. But the fact is that I am quite shy, so being the bartender that night made me have no choice but to up the ante on my socializing with people that I normally would be too shy to socialize with, no matter how worthy of the time I found them to be. So since being a true Aries, and liking the idea of challenging myself, I was more than happy to use this opportunity to do that.

And I would gladly do it again, with all the good and bad.

Draw Me Naked/Q & A for Q

Next Wednesday, April 13th, I will be modeling at the Leslie/Lohman Erotic Drawing Studio. I announced this in a previous post, but I have a correction and a clarification to make.

I said in that post that I hadn't done anything like this since the NY Erotic Art Fair back in 2006. That was 5 years ago. The correction is that I had actually most recently did it 2 years ago for SPANK Magazine at their release party for their Sex Issue of 2009 where they had nude life drawing sessions.

As for the clarification I must make, unlike the modeling I did at SPANK Magazine's party where you could just walk in with a drawing pad and be considered an artist, the Leslie/Lohman Erotic Drawing Studio requires "experience in drawing from life", as it says on the webpage I included the above link, and when I announced this before. So if you are such an artistic person, I do hope to see you there.

Now, if you can't be there, at least you don't have to wait until next Wednesday to get a piece of me....

...Because in late February, I received an email from the author of the blog, "Neon - The Many Hot Men of Gay Porn". He complimented me on my blog, and offered me an interview for the magazine that he writes for in Australia called, Q Magazine for their "Q People" feature. The magazine as he puts it, is like Next Magazine here in New York. Unlike the Next Magazine article I was interviewed for, this piece was solely about MY life and MY stand on certain issues.

Let it be known that I exposed a great deal in this piece. Mainly, how far behind a society the American gay community is by way of its entertainment and media outlets. So feel free to pass it on to any American gay form of entertainment and media that you know of or are connected to. It's time for them to be put on notice of how the gay community being so "united" here in the United States has been exposed for the crock that it is to the other side of the globe.

This interview was a great deal more calming than what I found that Next Magazine article to be. So this is a case where I can say that I very much enjoyed doing the interview, as well as seeing the end result. Enjoy.

http://qmagazine.com.au/images/issue/complete%20issues/QIssue%2078.pdf

And as always, 

I THANK YOU WHOLEHEARTEDLY for your continued support.

Post-Porn Poetry Salon, Then Getting Naked

I have said many things against the gay porn industry. And it's not out of jealousy of others who are or were more successful in it as some like Diesel Washington and Micah Brandt would like to insinuate. Because truth be told, part of my decision to retire is because I saw that the more successful one is in the porn industry, the more of a slave they become. Whether it be a slave to a porn company, being a kept male, or a slave to the sex industry overall. And since it is an industry that is only profitable for you when you are young and/or have the looks to get by, the fact is neither of those 2 last forever. Therefore, it is safe to say that I got out before my looks faded from the stress. I can't say before age caught up to me, because even though I have a stamina that either keeps up with or outlast many 20-somethings, Father Time is a power no human can run from.

With all that said, one would think that I regret my time in the porn industry when it is quite the contrary. The truth is all of my words against the porn industry is not out of regret. Instead, they are because the industry is NOT what it should be - a playground for exhibitionists as originally intended. However, if it wasn't for it becoming more and more the commercials for prostitutes that it has become, I wouldn't have had the stories like those told in my poetry series, "The Industry". For now, a domino effect has taken place that I must now proudly report.

As I said in a previous post, the morning after my reading of "The Industry" I got an email from an audience member inviting me to be part of various events. One of those events was the Poetry Salon at the Rainbow Book Fair that I recently announced and took part in this past Saturday at the LGBT Center. I was aware that each poet had a 5-minute window. What I wasn't aware of was how that 5-minute window could include more than 1 poem. So the 1 poem I read was a poem I wrote back in 2005 called "Decision Ride".

To tell you what a "Decision Ride" is, it is the name I gave to a tryst that someone who claims to be straight but is in some degree of "orientation limbo" uses to figure out if they are truly straight, gay, or some degree of bisexual. In the poem, I let it be known as to whether or not I'm willing to be a guy's decision ride and what factors must (or must not) be in play to influence my decision of YAY or NAY.

I was considering posting the poem here today with this post, but I decided against it. Because that would be me giving you the milk for free, when you should have bought the cow with the little donation of transit fare. After all, it was a free event.

My friend who got me into all of this introduced me to a few people, and my shy self actually got up the nerve to make some new contacts on my own with a couple of LGBT publishing companies and magazines at the Rainbow Book Fair. I did this by presenting my story of my late coming out, and my porn past that followed. I don't want to give away any names here as to who I spoke to, so I don't jinx my chances of something coming to fruition.

So it is safe to say that I had a very good day at The Rainbow Book Fair. It is a shame though that this is the only one in the country. At the Poetry Salon's After-Party at Elmo, I mentioned in a conversation with a woman from one of the lesbian publishing companies that maybe one of the companies there could start one in their area. I got the idea from the way the Gay Erotic Expo would always have one in California and a week or two later, one in New York.

And my post-porn journey doesn't stop there.

My friend also got me in contact with the head of the Leslie/Lohman Erotic Drawing Studio, and I will be modeling nude for one of their drawing classes within the next couple of weeks. The last time I did modeling like this was back in 2006 when I posed for the Erotic Art Fair, possibly in that very same room the Rainbow Book Fair was held. So while studio-based porn ignored the good my exhibitionist spirit can bring, it is still getting a chance to be on display. And as an artist myself, I'm glad to do it in this environment. One that I have an even more personal appreciation for.

So one night of me telling the mess the porn industry and the people in it are has led me to this road. Where it will lead, I don't know. But one thing is for sure, it is better than where staying in the gay porn industry was leading.

And for that reason, HATE ON, HATERS! HATE ON!

Because the gay porn industry served some purpose. Now, I'm moving on and I feel I'm going up in the process.

4 Weeks Until 40

Yes, you have read correct.

I am proud to say that 4 weeks from today, this year I am turning "The Big 4-0". That's right I said it, I am turning 40 years old.

While the stupidity of the stereotypical gay male dreads it, me being at the other end of the intellect spectrum embraces it.

Why?

Because I'm quite blessed to not have a body warn down by drugs and alcohol, then needing Botox injections and/or a gym membership to mask my fucked-up decisions. I'm blessed to have made it through 15+ years of contemplating suicide while I struggled with my orientation. After that accomplishment, I'm blessed to have a small number of actual friends that I can be real with, instead of an overload of associates that I'm always living to impress so that they won't opt out of taking the place of real friends. I'm blessed with a family that may not have always agreed with me, but has still supported me through it all, and continue to do so. And I am blessed to have all of these experiences that have me in the process of finally finding my voice.

Now, as to how will I celebrate this great day, besides going to see "Priscilla: Queen Of The Desert" on Broadway, I have no idea. So that day is looking like the rest of my life. A journey of gaining knowledge, and experiencing things that I never believed I would experience, OR knew that they were there to experience.

All I have to say now is....BRING IT ON!!!!

February 22, 1949 @12:14 AM....

On this day, February 22nd at 12:14 AM in 1949, my mother was born.

I could not be more proud to have a mother like her in my life. She has been a Mom when I needed a mom, and my best friend when I needed a best friend. One to confide in through my best and worst of times. Perfect example is how even with her strong religious convictions, I was able to come out to her during my first failed relationship attempt with Danny. Then I discover that she knew of my orientation for over a year - from the time I was dating Alfonso, the very 1st guy I dated since coming to terms with my sexuality. All this, and my being a predominantly gay bisexual has NOT stopped her love for me. And she continues to be both the best Mom and friend to me to this very day.

I know I am truly blessed, because there are some out there who can't say that. Nor are there some people in the adult entertainment industry blessed enough to be able to tell their parents that they're in the business. And have them be a listening ear when something in the industry goes wrong. Hence why so many in the industry are lost. 

My mother's love is why I have the wisdom you have come to know and like this blog for.

And it is her love that made me able to walk away from the porn industry, and know I was going to do better than I did while in it.

So for all her love and support, it is only right that I say....

Tré's Swan Song: Reading THE INDUSTRY

Last Friday, I finally presented to the public my poetry series, "The Industry" at the LGBT Center. With some friends stopping by to show their support, meeting some online friends face-to-face for the first time, and considering the snowfall earlier in the day, I was pleased by the turnout. Especially since that night was (as said in the press release) the swan song of my "Tré Xavier" persona.

I was totally ready, willing, and able to bid the "Tré Xavier" persona "farewell". However, there were a few things I was not prepared for. Such as the fact that by exposing some of what's wrong in the porn industry, which could be considered a "fantasy machine", while I knew it would bring forth a lot of questions because of that, I didn't realize it would bring forth such in-depth discussions amongst the audience that we would go over the amount of time I had planned for the Q & A in between each poem. And that's not a bad thing. It showed me that even in poetry form, it is still my writing, and I pride myself on doing writing that inspires people to think, look beyond the surface, and don't accept so many things "just because". Hence the logo in the banner for this blog.

I also wasn't prepared for the fact that in order to properly answer the audience's questions that I would segue into other poems in the series before even reading them. This was a shock to me, because while the reason the character in most of the poems leave the porn industry for a reasons that I left, I had no intention of connecting their stories where if the characters were to meet, they could say to each other, "Yeah, it's kind of like when 'this thing' happened to me". So evidently, I subconsciously connected their stories.

One audience member emailed me to compliment me on the way I handled myself. Especially since he found some of the questions in his words, "unfair or even rude" for (also in his words) "a writer or poet never has to explain, justify, or rationalize their creative efforts".  And I must say that I agree for the most part with that as one of the comments from an audience member annoyed me IMMENSELY. And for that comment that I addressed politely at the reading, I will now address with some harsh truth that this blog is known for giving.

The comment from an audience member claimed that I was being too harsh on my "fellow actors" for doing scenes when they're not attracted to their scene partners. First of all, the same way I don't call a Black thug "my brother" just because he's Black, I don't call porn actors (be they gay, straight, bi, or gay-for-pay) who do it without being attracted to their scene partners, "fellow porn actors". Those are "whores" - escorts who lower themselves to being called "whores" by putting it on display. And I say this as someone admitting to my own whoring moments by appearing in "Love Of The Dick 4" and "The Booth". This audience member basically said that porn movies are to entertain and create a fantasy, and tried to compare someone having sex on camera with someone playing a psycho in a movie. What is "psycho" is comparing the two. And I can say this because I was also a mainstream actor before I got into porn. For with playing a psycho there are the actor's movements to simulate killing someone, and makeup and special effects artist to make it appear real. However while a porn movie is about creating a fantasy, you're dealing with such an intimate act of the human body, that it should be role-playing with people genuinely attracted to each other. Finding porn entertaining from watching people who aren't into each other makes one the very same inhumane voyeur that I speak of in my poem, "Exhibitionist vs. Whore". So while another audience member mentioned people losing the "spirituality in sex", it is that lost of spirituality in sex that made that audience member think I was being so harsh on whores. For my not losing that spirituality is why I can't fuck to the point of cumming someone that I'm not attracted to. I need that connection, and I have little to no trust in someone who can repeatedly have sex void of that connection. And I'm sure I'm not the only one. For it explains why escorts, especially those who are gay tops or straight males lead such lonely lives with their only friends being either other escorts, people who bought the illusion of friendship, and/or people saying behind their backs how sorry they feel for them leading that life.

Now, with that said, there were some questions that I felt deserved highlighting and/or further explanation.

One question asked that I wanted to highlight was asking if there was a union for porn actors. Some in the audience laughed, but I found it to be a good question. And to others who might be wondering, the answer is NO. I wanted to highlight this question to recall the reason why I stated at the reading as to while it is a good idea, with this mentality governing most porn actors these days, it will never happen. It's because the industry is presently polluted with escorts, instead of clean with exhibitionist. And yes, I said polluted. Escorts are pollutants of the porn industry not only because of the reasons I state in "Exhibitionist vs. Whore", but because escorts have an "every man for himself" mentality. This mentality not only makes the term "man" be used loosely, but it would also therefore cause a union for porn actors to fall part very easily if one was formed today.

Another question I wanted to highlight was the one that asked what the lure to the industry was if there's so much wrong with it like no union and lack of residuals. On that question, I could just answer for myself by saying that I thought the porn industry would widen my XTube audience, and help me show those who were in limbo about their orientation like I once was, someone who displayed his degree of being gay with no shame. As far as XTube goes, my audience has actually grown at a faster rate since my retirement from the industry than it did while in it. Others in the industry however are probably in the industry to seek validation, because they've failed at just about everything else. And since sex is an act that you have to be the one experiencing it in order to rightfully judge its quality, from a voyeur's point of view, it's easy to look good at it,...even when you're not.

One point that I didn't get into too much was about being "on the down low". Because as I was watching the time along with my moderator noticing that I wasn't done reading all of my poems yet, and it was nearing 9:30, so I just quickly said that "living on the d.l." was about everyone not knowing what you're doing. That is actually being "in the closet", which I have no problem with as long as you are not a gay-basher, or condemning homosexuality while in a position of power. I do however agree with my friend, Matt who made the comment about  how being "on the down low" is a cop-out. That is if you are living by the true definition of "living on the down low". For the true definition of "living on the d.l." is that your gay sexual encounters are also secret from your girlfriend, fiancée, or wife. And that is WRONG, AND NOT OPEN FOR DEBATE. Even though it did cause a heated moment between Matt and the other audience member who mentioned life "on the down low".


Another heated moment came about between Diesel Washington and myself as he tried to make my moment his. Actually, he was the one heated. I was the one hyped, and I took a sadistic pleasure from his getting heated. But I will get into those details in Part 2.


So in the meantime, here are the poems of "The Industry". I know the video is blurry and the sound quality isn't the best, but with my nerves about this being my first poetry reading, my usual technological know-how was blocked. I hope my video editing afterwards and most importantly, the poetry itself  - make you well-compensated for your time thus far.

A heartfelt THANKS to MACT/NY, the LGBT Center, and all of the audience members who came out to show an appreciation for what I have done, love to do, and plan on continuing to do.

Be sure to come back for Part 2. :-)