The "Are You Clean?" Challenge

It has been 12 years since I came out to myself and have been sexually active. And one question that has bothered me for damn near all of those 12 years is the question, "Are you clean?"

My annoyance with this question started with my sexual encounter that I told in a blog post I wrote for Men of Color Blog 3 years ago entitled "Solving Enigmas From The Stigma". Since that incident happened back in 2003, that means that I've been carrying around this annoyance without publicly addressing it for over a decade now.

What makes me feel the need to address it now is because of the disrespect I feel when asked that question. My feeling is that whether you are HIV- or HIV+, if someone asks you, "Are you clean?", as long as you have done the 3 S's (shit, showered, and shaved), then you have every right to answer with a "yes", and should feel no shame about it. For if they can disrespectfully word a question, they don't deserve the answer they are actually fishing for so they can claim a false sense of sexual superiority.

I've come to realize, especially at this point in this stage of HIV's history, if you are using condom, there is no need to even ask someone's HIV/STI status. It's like if 2 straight people hook-up, if there's to be condom use, a woman doesn't ask a man if he has sperm in his semen, a man doesn't ask a woman if she has eggs, and neither ask "Are you clean?". Why? Because the need to ask those questions were alleviated when the 2 of them decided to use a condom, and/or some other contraception. So if any such question is asked, then they shouldn't be fucking. And the same goes for a gay male. So for gay males to do so is another way where we become our own worst enemy. It says that we're so self-loathing that we see ourselves as the diseased freaks the conservative right wing has made us out to be. Furthermore, the idea of questioning status among casual sex partners was initiated when not as much was known about HIV, nor was it at its present level of being treatable. So to ask the question of status today is not for peace of mind. It's because our society has not evolved with the changing, but improving facts of HIV. Therefore, HIV+ people are still branded with a "scarlet letter". So people are looking for that aforementioned false sense of sexual superiority.

Also, while some are not using the word "clean" to mean HIV-, but instead using it to mean "STI-free", it makes no difference. You are still on that same search for fake sexual superiority.

With all that said, I am including myself in those guilty parties back in 2003 in the hook-up from "Solving Enigmas From The Stigma". I had 100% intention of using a condom like I actually did anyway. So there was no reason for me to even ask him his status. My asking was not to seek a feeling of superiority. It was instead out of my own selfish curiosity of coming face-to-face with an HIV+ person, which in a way made him a social guinea pig for my personal experiment. But I was new to the art of hooking up at the time, and have since matured. So for that, if I could see him today, or if he's reading this, I wholeheartedly apologize.

The question of HIV status is a question to demand when you are going into a relationship, or if you plan to play bareback. However, even playing bareback, guys lie. It can be because unless you got a test immediately before fucking, you don't truly know, or it can be out of sheer maliciousness. For there are many HIV+ people who are at peace with their HIV status, take their medication so they have undetectable viral loads, and take care of themselves enough that if you play bareback with them, you are at less risk of HIV or any STI than you would be with someone claiming to be negative. Meanwhile, there are other HIV+ people who are not on medication, and such refusal makes their viral load through the roof. So in their misery, seek to infect others by lying about their status when asked.

Why did I say "disrespectful wording" earlier? It's because that's exactly what it is. For let's examine who usually uses the word "clean" to mean HIV- and/or STI-free:

a)people with racial hang-ups;
b)who do drugs, but if HIV-, have been lucky thus far;
c)alcoholics;
d)people whose claimed sexual taste are based on porn-induced age and racial roles;
e)someone who is possibly married, therefore cheating.
and the most common of them all,
f)someone you meet for a hook-up at a bar/club, sex party, online, or for some other outing for that becomes a one-night stand who easily for no good reason, acts like the sex never happened;

And the list of fucked-up mindsets goes on and on. My point is...that while you may be HIV-, while you may be STI-free, calling yourself "clean" does not compensate for the fact that because of you practicing one or more of those things that make you call a guy "clean", your soul obviously is NOT clean. So the words "Are you clean?" is a means for such HIV- guys to feel a false sense of sexual superiority when they actually are not only no better, but may actually be worse due to a void in their humanity. For sex, and your mind are very much intertwined. That's why it has long been said that the brain is the greatest sex organ.
 
Let me be clear, that a one-night stand does not have to become a date. However, unless you accept that downtrodden logic that says "that's what men do", you'll never realize that any person who dismisses you without reason after they've shared their body with you has that massive void in their humanity. And I say this as someone who has some of the guys I've written sexcapade blog posts about still on my Facebook friends list, and still chat with from time to time.

Now, back to the original point of this post. Those still desperate to feel sexually superior and hate on HIV+ people have completely ignored what I said in the beginning of this post of how long I've felt this way, and will try twisting my viewpoint to mean that it I at some point became HIV+ as well. Well, considering how my position on this matter started with me as a newly sexually active HIV- person, whether or not I've maintained that HIV- status is relevant only to my suitor(s), but irrelevant to you. For if I am HIV-, then that means I have a degree of compassion that makes me more humane than you. And if I am HIV+, then that means I'm now in a position to practice publicly what I've preached privately for over a decade. So either way, I have nothing to be ashamed of. But since being "superior" is your goal by using the phrase "are you clean?", you however are still a total failure at being superior, regardless.

There is so much in-fighting within the gay community that needs to stop. If it's not ageism, it's racism, and if it's not racism, it's sexism. All of it makes our community as a whole continue the chain of oppression started from the conservative right wing for centuries. Well, we need to catch up with the times, and give one another the love and acceptance that gay media keeps demanding from the conservative right wing.

In short, again I say,...PRACTICE WHAT WE PREACH...Don't you think?

Cum Comes Out

LeNair Xavier - Pleasure Chest....Salesperson?

I've mentioned a few times on Facebook and Twitter that I recently became a part-time Shipping/Receiving Clerk at the new Upper East Side location for The Pleasure Chest. 

Part of why I opted to be in Shipping/Receiving is because those of you who have met me in person might have realized, I'm actually quite shy. With my shyness not seeming to fade until my Aries passion for something gets fired up. Of course it's quite obvious though that I do have a passion for sex, and making sure everyone is truly happy and sane on their sexual journey. For I feel a great many woes across the globe could be eradicated if that sexual stress wasn't so prevalent in our lives. Thinking this is what partly inspired my poem, "Sex In Unison".

Anyway, last Saturday, this passion got put to the test. Because for a moment, I became a salesperson.

A guy walked into to the store, and it was all female salespeople staffing the floor. Due to his interest, the customer told the salesperson who initially approached him that he felt more comfortable talking to a male. And since I just happened to be on the floor at the time, the saleperson asked me to assist the customer.

Not a spoiler to the end of the story, but the end result was that I didn't make a sale. At least not that day. For he did say he would be back. Because with the variety of things I showed him for what he wanted, including much cheaper (but also satisfying) alternatives, what he decided on cost more than he was willing to spend that day. So it turns out that just as I can do via this blog, I did point him in the direction of what he wanted.

Even without making a sale however, I actually enjoyed talking to this gentleman. Asking him his desired goal, giving him options, and giving my viewpoint when asked - the key point in the work of a salesperson. With all that considered, should I consider offering myself to also do sales? For I like the labor of Shipping/Receiving, but I did like the interacting from sales. Hmmmm.

Vote LogoTV For Hypocrisy

I recently responded to a former Facebook friend, Glenn Payne's posting of a request for dancers for a tv spot for the tv channel, Logo. I was to receive a phone call the next day to get more details. However, this never came to be. For about 18 hours later, I received something, but it was not a phone call. It was a Facebook message from Glenn. Telling me that their "standards & practices" say that they can't have anyone who has posed nude or done porn representing their "brand".

Seriously?!

This rule of "standards" coming from a channel that airs "1 Girl 5 Gays" where they sit and talk graphically about sex. The channel that also airs "That Sex Show", which features a porn actress on its panel of "experts". The channel that has MTV as one of their sister channels, home of various shit-shows, like "Jersey Shore", but most notably at the moment, the Video Music Awards (VMAs).

In the past, I have given some harsh criticisms to Logo, primarily in regards to their being an American channel with a serious lack of ethnic diversity in their lineup. With that and me owning my criticisms and the consequences of saying it publicly being the case, I could have stomached their reasoning for not wanting me being because of those numerous criticisms. For in owning all that I have said and knowing human nature, people will retaliate in some fashion when you criticize them no matter how right you are. But if this was such a retaliation, I could respect them more for doing so with honesty. Instead of the pretentious, hypocritical bullshit rhetoric I was fed. For they didn't make me need to take back what I have said about them in the past. Instead, not allowing me to be a part of this tv spot not only reaffirms my past negative criticisms, but actually embeds them deeper in stone.

My offer of my talent for that tv spot was to extend an olive branch to Logo TV, and give them a chance to in some way undo my past criticisms of them. But instead, this response was them breaking the olive branch in 2 before I made it through the door.

Some might think that my viewpoint of my prowess as a performer is quite arrogant. Well, that is a viewpoint for those with low self-esteem, and a bad sense of self-worth. For performers need to realize how powerful a component they are in the equation of the finished product of any production....

For without performers, directors have no one to direct. Therefore, producers have nothing to produce.

I'm sure that those eager to see misery and woe in others to be company to their own misery are reading this thinking, "Oh, they hurt poor LeNair's feelings. YAY!...I mean, how sad."

Bitch, please! I am on a road upward. And trust me, not Logo TV, its brother/sister channels, and parent company combined are important enough to make or break the good path I am on. This spot with Logo was to just kill time along the way. So this venting is not because Logo gave me a road block. It's simply to expose the principle (or lack thereof) on Logo's part.

It is also to teach those who are so eager to get into porn that there are hypocritical ass-heads like those at LogoTV, who will incite you to go for porn stardom, then try kicking dirt in your face the first chance their guilt over loving porn and other displays of sexuality kicks in. And it is those in the sex trade who can't rise above those pretentious hypocrites that end up trapped in that world, then drinking, drugging, or directly committing suicide as a means to escape the pain of rejection. So I am exposing Logo's "standards" so that these wannabes are aware that this is what you face if you don't have an out when the light of your porn stardom fades.

For trust me, it most certainly will fade. So you better prepare for the hypocrisy that follows when it does.

Sex In Unison

Bi-Butterfly - The Poem

As said in a post from last year, I submitted a drawing to the open submissions for Leslie-Lohman Museum of Gay & Lesbian Art's exhibit, "Uncensored: Queer Art and The Church". I knew that my drawing would be a rarity by dealing with bisexuality, since biphobia is quite rampant in not just the gay community, but for American attitudes towards sexuality in general. Which is quite ironic and hypocritical since the purpose of the exhibit was to "flip the bird" to attitudes towards sexuality by the church.

What I didn't know was how rampant it was until I recently presented this poem inspired by the drawing at Titillating Tongues. It created the most lukewarm applause I had ever received. The only time I received a less enthused applause was when I was the first to take to the stage, which is understandable. But that was not the case here. I was somewhere between being the 5th or 8th presenter.

So with such an experience, why insist on presenting this poem here. Because this poem tells:
1) my bisexual fantasy; as well as 2) my bisexual truth; and 3) the truth of other bisexuals as well. Even those who have yet to come out because they don't want to deal with prejudice in some other form, like I faced that night through applause.

Bi-Butterfly

The hot pink of a woman’s vagina

Shows the color of flesh covered by her skin

It’s the blood rushing throughout her body

From a heat starting from within

Her clit, her nips, and all of her lips

Swell as they crave my touch and entry

Admiration of this sexual beauty

Is how the human race has thrived for centuries

Tonight as I take flight

I’ll hold her close with only my right hand

Since she is not my only pleasure passenger

I hope she understands

Sexy royal blue man held by my left hand

He is the other passenger on this ride

You would think he’s being a gentleman

Saying, “Ladies first” of who gets me inside 

But it’s his plan to have my cock drenched by her pussy juice

Which he wants when I dip in him next

His main goal is to be the cause of my cum explosion

And feel the throbs that concludes the sex

I don’t begrudge his plan

If I wanted to play “catcher”, I would do the same

But tonight I am determined to pitch

And the beauty of his ass is to blame

It’s time to dispel some theories

About my bisexual ways

This craving is not a common conflict

That haunts me all of my days

One gender is my forever love & sex

The other is just a quick sex fix

But I’m sure all of this judgment and hate

Are those wishing they were a love or trick 

You are flying with a Bi-Butterfly

And I want you both tonight

Shielded by my wings of gold and silver

From the world’s scrutiny of our flight

The light of the sun, moon, and stars

Glowing around and through my wings

Making us free to play day or night

And any time in between

There is no confusion, no lies

This openness is what makes a Bi-Butterfly fly

HIV, STDs & The Power of CHOICE

Earlier this month, I made up this collage and posted it on this blog and on Facebook. I knew being as brief as it was that it might require some explanation. Because truth be told, as much as many of us try to put forth the facade that we don't need things explained to us, reactions prove otherwise.

Such as the exchange between me and a Facebook friend via the comments when I posted the photo there. While I understand where he is coming from with a great deal of what he said. As I said in my reply, my offense to his reaction was that he harped on my using the word "CHOICE". I highlighted the word "CHOICE" out of respect for us all being adults in this situation. So I felt acting like I was wrong for saying "CHOICE" was him greenlighting more of the patronizing safe-sex messages that have been drilled into our heads thus far.

Let me start explaining why I made this collage by saying that I am not pro-barebacking. Nor am I trying to be the condom police intruding upon your bedroom. One reason I made this collage was because I am pro-choice on condom use, and I feel encouraging both of those other extremes is quite dangerous, and I for one am so sick and tired of seeing us adults treated like children over this matter. And the reason adults are treated like children is mainly because of America's attitude towards 1)addressing sexuality with their children, and 2) respecting as adults we have the power of choice. So this leaves the media to try doing the job parents should have started since the children were late pre-teens and continued from there.

I want the media to respect us, the target audience. But in order to show that respect, whether parents did their part of not, certain aspects of sex must be taken into account by the media if these messages to combat contracting HIV and other STDs are to have the desired effect of decreased transmissions.
TAKE NOTE of how the nature of sex is to be in the heat of the moment.
TAKE NOTE how as adults we have inner voices that gives us the power of choice.
TAKE NOTE that  the nature of sex is that there should not be a barrier between you and your partner. Therefore, sex with a condom is unnatural. However, because of the times we live in with various STDs that we may need to go against nature. Therefore,...
TAKE NOTE that which based on the aforementioned nature of sex (being in the heat of the moment) going against nature is not always so easy to do. And also
TAKE NOTE that we live in a time where more and more people (young and old) are using sex to fill emotional voids made by physically and emotionally unavailable parents and significant others, mainly due to putting career before family.

If all these things are taken into account, we can try to come forth with a more effective, and less condescending message. I say "try" because the sexual repression of our society has done its damage to both, our youth and our adults. On a subject like sex, no matter how well-intended these safe-sex messages are, you can't treat an adult like a child and expect him/her to respond without rebellion. Instead, they are going to listen to nature, which is sex void of that barrier called a "condom", even though they're aware of the fact that it includes risks. So all you can appeal to now is their adult power of choice.

Hence why in that Facebook commentary, when the matter was brought up about when making a choice that you are also choosing the consequences, part of my response was to ask him as I now ask you, ...Do you REALLY think we don't know about the consequences of our actions? This is what I mean in us adults being treated like children in regards to the matter of condom use and STD transmissions. We are well aware of the consequences, but we are talking about SEX - an act that has a nature of being done in the heat of the moment. This is why if someone falters in their condom use, you have little to no right to play judge, jury, and executioner. Doing so tells me that you pointing and shaking that "Shame on you" finger at someone is your way of making yourself seem sexually superior (which you're not), since you're trying to distract others from seeing how many times you've made that same mistake, or different ones in judgement.

This may seem like I'm not getting off topic, but I'm not. I'm just taking a moment to elaborate on how in saying "different mistakes", I am referring to another reason I made this collage. It was to counter the infantile and hypocritical antics of some anti-barebacking porn directors. Such as loud-mouths like Chi Chi LaRue with his "Shut Your Hole" PSA, and Michael Lucas with his alleged rules towards performers who have done bareback porn. Before buying into their crap, be aware of their different (and still repeating) mistakes in judgement of making a fetish of Black males, and encouraging life on the down low with their swift hiring of "gay-for-pay" bitches in denial porn performers. The hypocrisy of these and other porn directors should be found astounding, but after my experience in the industry it's not surprising at all. For I have long said that we most of us were told about condom use before most of us even  faced the reality of our being some degree of gay. So blaming porn producers like Treasure Island or Dark Alley Media is scapegoating. I will give credit where credit is due, and say that at least most these barebacking companies don't use "gay-for-pay" bitches in denial. Unlike Corbin Fisher, Sean Cody, and Bel Ami who have started to use barebacking as a way to compete in the game, but try to lessen the heat of scrutiny with claims of mandatory testing prior to shooting, which is not 100% fool-proof. Now, Chi Chi LaRue, Michael Lucas, and the like may use condoms, but they're guilty of the same scapegoating.


And though I don't owe you this, I'm only confessing this to further prove that I practice what I preach, and have been doing so for quite some time now.
In early 2003, within my first year after coming out, I contracted a STD. I sat in Chelsea clinic unlike I am now, uneducated about HIV and other STDs, but fearing HIV mainly, even though I used a condom with the person I got that STD from. But while waiting for the diagnosis and possible treatment, I told myself, "Whatever happens LeNair, you made a CHOICE to suck that guy's dick. You made a CHOICE to let him suck on yours. And since it takes 2 to tango, he made a CHOICE to let you suck his dick. And he made a CHOICE to put his mouth on yours." So on that day, I taught myself to own the consequences of my actions, and how the foundation of much of what happens to us is CHOICE.
And FYI - the STD turned out being syphilis.


All this said, the bottom line message of that collage is as I said in my Facebook comment:
I made this picture to combat the patronizing rhetoric and say, "I respect you have the intellect to know what to do, BUT it is up to you to do it. And if you don't, then that's on you and whoever CONSENTS to being with you.
If you go bareback and get HIV or some other STD, that's your fault. OWN IT! Even if you asked their status, they say they're disease-free, so you go bareback, and get something, that's your fault as well. OWN IT!"

Like I said before, it's all about us being adults, and treated as such. Acknowledge that, then maybe we can create a message to slow transmissions down.

You Can Say Never

This past Labor Day, I reconnected with someone I had talked to online. This led to 3-weeks of dating that I am now quite annoyed to have invested my time in.

What was wrong? In short, he was 3 things in someone I'm against being with.
Pretentious. Hypocritical. Stereotypical of his race.

How so is explained after the poem, thereby explains some lines you might find troubling or not quite get.

Pretentious
He said that what I do reflects on him, which is true. So he has a problem with my studio-based porn past, and he disapproves of my using the notoriety from it to springboard to my future like I am. But if you can't support me embracing my past, and how it has enabled the road to my goals of addressing social woes, then you are not man enough to be with me. Mainly because you are not man enough to even be YOU.

For one's past can lead to the roads and standards that take us to our present. Therefore, we must not run from them, but instead embrace them, whether they are flawed judgments on our part or not.

He even had what some would call naivete, but because of this technological age, I say stupidity to suggest I try erasing my porn past. My own computer-illiterate mother knows that even if I wanted to, erasing my porn past is IMPOSSIBLE.

Hypocritical
If it's one thing I loath to be in the presence of, it's hypocrisy. And the downward slope with this guy continued when one of our talks resulted in him saying to me, "I'm a good guy. I'm a wholesome guy."

With this I wanted to scream, "YOU FUCKIN' HYPOCRITE!!!"

For my tight-as-a drum memory immediately went to how during sex, his dirty talk consisting of asking me if I like taking his "big white dick", when for me, it's not about taking his "big white dick". Instead, for me, it's about simply taking "his dick", regardless of color or ethnic origin. I also recalled one conversation of him mentioning how he partied and wound up at the sex party space that I'm proud to have been banned from. People who are truly "wholesome" don't do such things.

Now, if you were wondering why I posted this Facebook status update on October 14th, now you know:

Normally, I wouldn't tell this much personal business of someone I'm dating. Even with all my talk about sex, intimate details of my relationship partner would not so easily be put on display for all to read. But as you can see for me thus far, and with the following point, lines were crossed. That's why he was someone I was dating - past tense. So now, my self-imposed confidentiality clause due to courtship (then relationship) is null and void.

Stereotypical of his race
Now, this point explains mainly the 2nd stanza, and if you're close-minded to what I have to say already, it will offend you. Anyway, depending upon your race and ethnic background, there is a way of thinking taught to us that gives way to stereotypes. Such as White American culture teaches to be more book-smart, while Black American culture teaches to be more street-smart, meanwhile Asian, Latino, and other cultures teach that in coming to America to be submissive to Whites, etc. I personally have no interest in anyone Black, White, Asian, Latino, Middle Eastern, etc. who lives a life governed heavily by these rules of their racial/ethnic cultures. There is a middle ground for all of these thought processes, and that is what I try my best to live by. And the fact that few others do is not only the reason why I'm single, but also why I have a small group of people I call "true friends".

Anyway, in regards to this guy, his thinking was too stereotypical of White culture. And while I was brought up with Black culture, my entire family for generations has been taught to find the middle ground. Hence why we all excel to the praise (and chagrin) of many with whatever we're meant to do. But he expected otherwise of me because of his Midwestern White American upbringing.

A stereotypical White American is intimidated by a Black person, or any person of color showing book-smart intelligence. It's the reason why Blacks who show any book-smart intellect are not placed front and center in the media (gay media more than mainstream media is notorious for this). So these kinds of Whites repeatedly try to one-up you since as a Black person, you're not sticking to "the program" of being all about your "street-smarts". You're a Black person that took the time to empower yourself more so by listening and reading as well. And while they say they applaud you, to the stereotypical White American, that wider spectrum of knowledge is scary. Hence this guy's lack of support for my blogging insinuating that my venting helps no one, as well as his constant need to unnecessarily edit my correct words. Even though he said that he has an "infatuation with guys from the other side of the tracks". His exact words, I am not even paraphrasing.

At first I paid that statement no mind. But now, looking back on his condescending behavior, I now take great offense to that. Because YES, I'm Black. YES, I'm from the ghetto. And YES, I'm come from stereotypical things. But look how I've made myself NOT be so obvious of that. But meanwhile, his pretentiousness, his hypocrisy, and his sexual shame is more than a tad indicative of the stereotype of where he comes from.

You all know me to be well-spoken. That's why some of you have been such loyal readers over my years of blogging. So if you haven't already, by now you understand my annoyance that led to the above poem and its title.


With all of this, in our parting phone conversation, 2 things I recalled saying to him:
1) that if he wants to continue his "infatuation with guys from the other side of the tracks", that he needs to not talk to them like they're stupid. And
2) A question that he should have asked himself before trying to pursue a relationship with me. That question being: What if I tried staying with him, became successful with what I'm trying to accomplish by being sexually open, how would he feel? And not just more successful by way of notoriety, because I already surpass him that way. But financially more successful as well.

His response was, "More power to ya."

From a male perspective, we know that's another crock of shit said like a politician to avoid the truth. Because any male knows that it's hard enough on the male ego to have a significant other surpassing you in their happiness in their job path. It's even worse when you add to that a better financial state. And worst of all is when you add to those 2 variables how it's by way of doing something you don't even support. This would breed the relationship-killing emotions of envy and resentment.

So with all that in mind, am I pissed? I think the poem more than shows ABSO-FUCKIN-LUTELY!

However, not just at him. But also at myself. For giving that much of my time, and even my body to someone like that. For someone like this needs to be left alone so that they finally get their wake-up call. Before someone comes along who doesn't use poetry as their release to stay sane as I do, and responds to his ways in a more violent fashion.

And with hopes of him getting that wake up call, I am sending this to him. Now, whether or not he reads it, and takes heed of it,...that's on him.

The 2012 Double Penetration Recruiter

OK guys, it's coming up on 4 ½ years since I first expressed interest in being a double-penetration bottom.

Yes, you read correct, 4 ½ years.

I was thinking that this would be the year that I would leave it to chance for this sexual fantasy to become reality. However, I had to realize that for me, leaving things to chance doesn't work out well, especially for this. For the closest I came to it coming to fruition with 2 local guys was by me writing a blog post about it. And while I did later have a 3-some with the couple that responded the very night they approached me expressing interest, I wasn't mentally ready for it, since it was so unexpected. So I take full responsibility as to why that didn't work.

Since then, that couple has parted ways and both have left New York. So now I come across pornographic pictures of double-penetrations wishing how I could experience what the bottom in the photograph is. And if that bottom is in the right mindset to realize the great position he is in at that moment - being a vessel for 2 tops to have sexual contact who wouldn't normally. But since the pictures are usually from a porn movie shoot, I doubt if he does have a clue.

Well, while I'm versatile, I've been a double penetration top, and with both my bottoming skills and studying of sex, I have more than a clue. More than a clue of how by 2 guys double penetrating me, the contour of your dicks would rub against each other. Rubbing against the cock of a top that you're attracted to, but can't otherwise have because you're both tops. And you thankfully have nowhere to go but thrust forward, backward, and sideways because your dicks are bound together by my flesh. Flesh of a man who has been brave and lustful enough to thankfully take both of you on and in simultaneously.

Bear in mind that I would like my losing my double-penetration virginity video-recorded. So sure, with the popularity of the posts in my "Double Penetration" category, I could go to a porn company. But they would likely recruit 2 porn actors who are most likely also escorts to be my 2 double-penetration tops, which would defeat my purpose. For escorts live a life of faking. So since I want to inform you after of all parties enjoying the popping of my double-penetration cherry, what's the point of buying off 2 escorts who for the sake of a buck might fake being into me, then maybe fake being into each other, which would result in giving me a fake joyful experience. Now, if there is a porn company that can guarantee that not being the case, then let's talk.

Otherwise, it is for that reason that I'll settle for 2 hot guys into me and each other who might not want to be on camera in any capacity.

So this is my 2012 recruitment post for double penetration tops. I hope the HOT guys in New York City reading this who know we mutually find each other sexy aren't that sexually prudish that they are not up to making this happen for me. That they going to be shown up be either me having an adventure when I take another trip out of the city, or even the country. Or have a vacationer or 2 who show up here in NYC?

Let's see if 2012 will be the year....

Spoons In The Dark

If this isn't your 1st time at this blog over the last 2 weeks, then there's no doubt in my mind that you saw me promoting my appearance at the monthly erotica salon event, "Titillating Tongues". As I said in promoting it, I was going to unfamiliar territory to you. For you may have heard me sing in videos I've made, but never singing an original song of mine live. And you've seen videos of me dancing, maybe even seen me go-go dance, but not doing a planned striptease.

When I first walked in, I was sitting alone, so I decided to sing the lyrics to my original acappella song, "Spoons In The Dark". But there was a problem...

...My mind went blotchy.

I couldn't remember my lyrics fully. What made me even more pissed with myself was the fact that I left my song lyrics at home. However, my saving grace was having the song on my smartphone. So I was prepared to run either to the bathroom or outside to listen to it. But it was a saving grace that I didn't need to use, because once I told myself to relax, the lyrics came back to me. Evidently, this was just a moment of performer's anxiety brought on by this new undertaking in my post-porn life.

There was a 15-slot open mic where people had 4 minutes for their presentation, while featured performers like myself had 10 minutes. Being quiet and unassuming, I sat there very attentive to each performer. After all, it is good karma. And boy did it ever pay off.

I opened my mouth to sing "Spoons In The Dark". They were struck by my voice, then by the harmonies of my background vocals on a CD. THEN the segue into "Come To Me" by JC Chasez for my striptease, which samples the 80's hit, "Sunglasses At Night" by Corey Hart.

So that sitting there quiet and unassuming beforehand made them never see me coming.

One flaw I did notice in my performance was that I was smiling...at the women. Yes, I'm bisexual, but the problem with that is that the lyrics are obviously about me missing nighttime spooning with my boyfriend or husband. Not my girlfriend or wife. But I know why I was smiling. It was because I was happy. For this may have been my 1st time since porn that I performed on a stage where there was no contest pressure, no rules restricting me so I would get paid, and no fake "happy-to-meet-you, I-love-you" face in order to get go-go boy tips. I was performing, on my own terms, and I was truly enjoying it. This brought forth a high that drug and alcohol addicted music artists are looking for. Well, on this night, I found it.

Unless you read the blog posts promoting the night, you had no idea what I was planning on doing. And that includes the host Aimee Herman and producer Mike Geffner. I didn't let them in on it until they reminded of the fact that they were recording, and I replied by asking where would the video be shown. It was one of those cases where you know the answer, but ask anyway, because I've been to their site and read enough of their Twitterfeeds to know the answer was YouTube. And considering their prudishness towards nudity, especially male nudity, even on age-restricted uploads, I'm wondering if you'll be able to see the striptease part of my performance.

In the meantime, since live performances sound different from recorded ones, I leave you with the original recording on "Spoons In The Dark". It is as I said before, a cappella. For with the exception of the rain and thunderclaps, every sound you here is ME. The vocals, the finger snaps, the beat box - ALL ME. Enjoy.

LeNair Xavier's Secret Touch

Back in December of 2002, it was my 1st December since realizing that I was a 5 on the Kinsey scale back in early March. The law firm I was working at had a Christmas party, and even though I was a temporary Mail Clerk, I was allowed to attend. I seemed to draw a great deal of attention. Not just for the shining silver-grey muscle shirt that I revealed after I taking off my sports-jacket. But also because of the reason I needed to take off my sports-jacket ----me, the quiet temp of a Mail Clerk was dancing up a storm. 

Maybe my being in the middle of a party gave me reason to throw so much energy into celebrating how it was nearing a year since my coming out to myself.

Believe it or not, we had work the next day. While doing one of my mail-runs, one of the ladies in one of the departments I had to stop at said to me, "LeNair, do you have ANY bones in your body?"

Everyone in that department laughed hilariously, myself included. My laughter however was out of shyness. Because now my secret of being able to dance was out.

What surprised me about the question was the fact that I didn't think that I did anything to show my body as being that loose. I didn't do any drops to the floor, or pop-locking. I just danced. I guess it was because when you're surrounded by the tightness of people in the corporate world like attorneys, in your mind's eye, anyone incredibly good at keeping a rhythm becomes greater than they actually are at that moment.

During my time at that firm I went to 7 Christmas parties, and I was the go-to guy to dance with. No matter what type of music it was. Be it disco, r & b, hip-hop, rock/pop, Reggae, or Latin, I got dragged to the dancefloor and wore out most of the women I danced with.

Backtrack to 1989, when Donny Osmond made his comeback with the hit, "Soldier Of Love". After curiosity got the better of me, I bought the cassette of the album (yes, cassette - it was 1989). And I'm glad I did. I was liking every song. Naturally, some more than others. But when the cassette went to Side 2, I heard this tribal beat begin. And the song, "My Secret Touch", became a song I often used at the time (and occasionally still do) to better my ability to combine my skills as a singer and dancer.

Although I've long ago stopped chasing the dream of being a recording artist because of the overload of auto-tune in the music industry, I've still been wanting to perform this song for an audience 22 years later. Now, thanks to sites like YouTube, Vimeo, and the like, I can now have that audience in some capacity.

One of the things I am most proud of with this video is how I made it now at 40, instead of when I first heard and feel in love with the beat of this song 22 years ago when I was 18. For I can now show how with being active, mostly healthy eating, plus little to no drugs and alcohol you can prolong one being able to exemplify how age can really be just a number.

Because if I'm to be asked again if I have any bones in my body, this video will definitely lead you to wonder.

Returning To Porno Bingo

As I stated in a previous post, this Wednesday, December 8th, after a 2-year absence as a guest-caller, I am making a return to "Porno Bingo", now known as "The Will Clark Show" featuring Porno Bingo. And it's a special yearly theme night called, "Night of a 1000 Santas!".

Also appearing as guests will be:
(1)The Wet® Platinum Man, Antonio Martinez. He'll be giving out the lube that will a part of the prize packages. He's the one responsible for supplying me with the Wet® lube that I've been using in the sex tales of my Wet® category on this blog, and my most recent videos on free porn sites (like "Tre Xavier: Super Sucked" recently featured on Dunkin's Playground); and
(2)Terry Christopher, whose musical talent will most certainly help to keep you entertained.


The night's beneficiary will be the NY Bear Den.


There will also be a clothing drive for Sylvia's Place. So any wearable clothing you have and want to donate, please bring it along. And while on the subject of clothing,....


...here's a NAUGHTY REMINDER: As always, the more money raised, the more clothes come off. Maybe you can make me go home commando. After all, I may be retired from porn, but I'm still an exhibitionist.

So bring your money, wearable clothes to donate, and good luck, 

and I hope to see you there.


Then my next scheduled appearance in will be my last as "Tré Xavier".

More details on that by either Friday or Monday.

In the meantime, let's have a charitable heart, yet a dirty mind come Wednesday night. ;-)

DList-dot-DONE

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Boycotting HustlaBall NY

Once I decided to not attend Hustlaball NY this year, I was going to write a post about why. It was gnawing thought in the back of my mind telling me to write it, but I tried my best to ignore it, and move on to something else. But those were voices in my head. This past Friday however, I was at the indoor pool party, Baña, and someone asked me if I was going to Hustlaball NY. And when I answered "No", their response was, "Are you boycotting?"

What was strange about his response was the fact that boycotting is based on a social matter, and I don't recall ever making public any disapproval with Hustlaball NY in that regard. Annoyed that I offered myself as a performer to no avail, YES, but that comes with the territory of being a performer in any medium, including the adult industry. Disappointment with the shows, YES. Both of those things, I do recall voicing my opinion on last year, but both of those things may incite apprehension to attend, but not a full-on boycott. That is UNLESS, I can see a social matter is at fault here, which there is. Therefore, the fact is that I am actually boycotting Hustlaball.

What I find amazing is the fact that this guy knew it, even though I haven't even discussed what I'm about to say here (or the subject of Hustlaball period) with anyone once the announcement about Hustlaball NY came out. So it's quite plausible that he sees the same thing that I am seeing, even sub-consciously, and knew I would take a stand on it. I was going to take a silent stand, but once a voice outside of my own entered the picture to suggest I was taking a stand, it took that as a sign to make my stand public.

Last year, I said my purchasing a ticket was going against my new rule of "If I'm not good enough to entertain, then my money isn't good enough either". What I meant by that was NOT if Tré Xavier isn't good enough to entertain, then my money isn't good enough. What I meant was that if you can't find more Blacks and other races to entertain, then the overwhelming number of non-White New Yorkers' money should be considered no good either.

Let's be realistic, have you seen the list of entertainers and sponsors? In regards to entertainers, could it get more light-skin only and predominately white with one of the few (and practically ONLY) named dark-complexions belonging to Diesel Washington, and it's quite believable that's the case only because he is one of the few Blacks represented by one of the sponsors, FabScout. And speaking of FabScout, that brings me to the list of how lily-white and lacking in diversity the list of sponsors is. FlavaWorks is a Gold Sponsor for HustlaBall.....in Berlin. Why aren't they sponsoring it here in NY? Here in New York where the roster of performers for HustlaBall New York can be more reflective of the diversity in citizenship therefore patronage that exist here even more so than it does in Berlin . So as far as the list of performers go, that's why I'm boycotting HustlaBall New York.

Now my final reason for boycotting is plain and simple...HustlaBall New York is a rip-off.

I have never been to a HustlaBall outside of New York, but I know others who have, and I have seen the ads for other like the upcoming one in Berlin. In short, HustlaBall overall is marketed to come off with the sexuality at a height like it's another Black Party. Maybe the Berlin version is, but the New York version is an over-priced imitation, yet you are paying practically the same price as you would to get into the Black Party . In other words, it's the typical American attitude of prudishness towards sexuality that is crippling New York City's gay nightlife. The Black Party flips the bird to it. If HustlaBall NY is going to market themselves to be so much like the Black Party, why can't they man-up and flip the bird to that prudishness as well?

Some of you may have already bought tickets for HustlaBall NY, and are now asking yourself, "Why?" Well, if you see all that I have stated here at this year's HustlaBall NY, take this as a lesson learned to not make the same mistake next year. I made that mistake twice already. It would be quite foolish of me to do it a third.

Let's just hope HustlaBall New York steps their game up, and proves me wrong. BUT how often does that happen?

DP Me Plea #3

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