The Expected Porn Return Fail, Courtesy of Treasure Island

Back in May, Treasure Island Media tweeted a request for models. I clicked on the link and applied. With all that I have said about the gay porn industry, I'm sure you're wondering why I would do such a thing. Did my desperation for validation return with such a vengeance that I chose to put myself through all that I've said bad about the gay porn industry all over again? Am I that pressed for cash? Or is it a combination of both?

The answer to all of those possibilities is actually a loud and echoing NOOOOOO!!!

I did it partly because due to my firsthand experience in the porn industry, I was feeling I wouldn't be able to further justify my annoyance without trying to get back in it again for a brief moment. Even though standing on the outside looking in as I have been since I announced my retirement in 2009, I see many signs to let me know I made the right decision. But still, I wanted some firsthand confirmation. So as long as I still have a good look, I thought why not go for it. Besides, after all that I have said about the industry and them, the worst they could do is say "No".

Well actually, I filled  out the application on a Friday afternoon (May 11th), and got an email the following Monday morning (May 14th) a little before 9:30 asking me to come in to make an audition video on May 25th. I responded that I was okay with this, and all I needed in response was an exact place and time. A number of days passed with no response. Then after asking again on May 22nd, I finally got a response saying:

Hey LeNair, 

First off let me apologize for the delay in getting back to you. I was out of the office for the better part of last week. 

I reviewed your application with Max Sohl. 

Based on your past interactions together, he has decided decline your application. 

I am sorry for any inconvenience and wish you the best of luck going forward.

With that response, instead of me asking you to read through an entire old blog post to let you know the exactness of that past interaction with Treasure Island Media director, Max Sohl, here are the 1st and 2nd paragraphs of the blog post "Seeking The Silver In The TIM Dim Cloud" that explains it exactly:

"At the end of February, I was attempting to make a brief return to porn. The studio was Treasure Island Media where in one email  to describe the shoot said they were "treating it like a paid audition" with a group of 5 or 6 guys who were all versatile and ready, willing and able to flip-fuck --- and it was a total bust. I can't speak for the others, but for me, I could not perform with someone's body odor reeking in the room. Especially when we were instructed to wear deodorant. As far as I knew, this was not supposed to be a bear shoot where stench is looked upon as a badge of honor. Yet instead of the director telling the person with the body odor to either 'hit the showers, or hit the road', we all had to try to endure that stench, which intensified as the heat in a hotel room rose because of NO AIR CONDITIONING.

This is why if I make an official return to porn, I'm sticking to my rule of knowing my scene partner beforehand, because I let that rule slide once since making it, and look what happens! Had I known this guy would be there I would have probably bailed on the idea of working with him, because I've worked with that guy before at a live appearance, and seen him at parties, and body odor was something I experienced EVERYTIME while being near him..."

So with this incident as my and Max Sohl's past interaction, what is the other reason as to why I took a chance and applied to Treasure Island Media?

It's because, first of all, time has passed. Me and Max Sohl both have had 8 1/4 years to look back on that incident, and ask ourselves if our position during that incident should have been different. Now, over my years of blogging, I have owned up to a good number of my missteps in judgement. However, for the reasons I stated in that old blog post, I had no reason to change. In fact, me changing from that position would be me lowering my standards, and going back to being the stereotypical prey of the sex industry. That prey being the disenfranchised, marginalized, broken, unloved, and self-loathing because of being the aforementioned. All of which are easily manipulated by all parts of the sex industry. From prostitution, to porn, and even sex retail. And me allowing that would be me undoing  all the maturing I have done to give me this much more sense.

This brings me to Max Sohl. He is entitled to not changing or growing. However, it shows an ongoing failure in his character. One that is too common among most porn directors and other heads in the sex industry overall. Making them the predators that they too often are. Thereby justifying the negative stigma about them.

I can't say verbatim, but I can come very close to verbatim as to how on the model application, as I said in the beginning of this post, I made it very clear that I said disparaging things about the porn industry and their company in the past. I also said to them that me accepting an offer from them would be a step in undoing some of the negatives that I have said about the industry and them, and I would be willing to publicly state that.

These statements were clear as day in the comment section of my model application. With that being the case,...

Why was I even offered an audition before my application reached the eyes of Max Sohl? It's because of a very common unorganized sequence I have found in the porn industry. So if I wanted that firsthand confirmation of the gay porn industry still being fucked up, I guess I got it proven with that move from them.

Perhaps Treasure Island Media had that much trust in this casting director, Kyle's judgement. Even so, if you read something from a model application where the applicant admits to saying bad things about the company, common sense should tell you to not give a "yay" or "nay" to the applicant about anything in the casting process until after you have spoken to a higher positioned person. Namely, the higher positioned person those disparaging statements are about. That common sense move was not done here. So my time and professionalism in getting the schedule right was wasted.

If so much as an audition video had happened, I know me returning in front of any studio's camera would raise some eyebrows to those who remember me as "Tre Xavier". It would have been a move that my fans and followers now, which may actually include anti-porn activists, would want to know why.

Even though it's rare, there are times in the porn industry that a big fallout between porn actor and porn company happen, and a reconciliation happens later on down the line. So why wasn't the situation between Treasure Island Media's Max Sohl and myself one of those cases?

Could it be because being that I wasn't what he sees as a "draw"?

After all, if you look at Treasure Island Media's record of black models, it's no different than most white-owned predominately white/light casting porn studios. Having more than 90% of the black males they use playing what I've long referred to as a "gorilla nigger" top to some white and light-complexioned person of color. Fetishizing low self-esteem having black males for a profit. And all that I have stated about the industry, my goal to be a versatile Black man still celebrating bottoming with any color, and my own sexual performance shows that even if I topped for any studio's camera, I would not play that gorilla nigger role. For such a role is a downgrade of me (and anyone who plays it) as a man, and makes one's presence a disrespect to sex overall. Lastly, even with their name in the title and photo on the DVD cover, bottoms in porn are treated as lesser beings primed for abuse. This is especially true of Treasure Island Media, which since this incident I realize is adding substance abuse to their list of abuses. So part of my applying was to give them a more respectable display of bottoms.

In addition to my not playing that negative racist role, the fact that I as an adult entertainer have enough self-esteem to lay down such laws for myself very likely also makes them (and most other porn companies) unwilling to deal with me. Especially when they are white and the knowledge and strength of that potential model is wrapped in medium to dark brown skin, like mine. For it shows that I'm not the sex industry's usual target when a predator is in charge. You see, while I may be part of a group that is disenfranchised and marginalized, I do not present myself as being hurt or broken by it. And that makes the stereotypical predatory head of a sex industry business very uneasy.

I had hoped to see that Max Sohl had grown up, and taken ownership of his fuck-ups in that old situation. As we can see, such is not the case. And it is most likely because porn actors low enough on self-esteem keep coming back. Enduring whatever unpleasant and unhealthy conditions he throws them in, instead of challenging him to do better by them.

Some of you are probably thinking that my calling out guys in the porn industry out like this is why less and less porn companies wanted to work with me, and would not consider taking me in today fi I tried harder for a return to the industry. Well years ago, Chris Steele of Jet Set Men tried saying the same thing to me about not working with me because of all I've said about Tyson Cane's antics on porn sets. And in response, I told Chris' dumb ass the same thing I'm telling yours...

What I've put folks on blast for in the porn industry are acts of ignorance. If you have enough faith in your character, then you know that you would never do the dumb shit I put someone on blast for. Therefore, you would have nothing to be worried about in working with me. So such a statement says more about your lack of integrity and faith in your own humanity than it does about my work ethic and sense of self-worth.

Proof of that statement being true is Ben Marksman, the director of one of my last movies "All Out Assault". After initially meeting at The Gay Erotic Expo of 2007, I gave him this blog's address citing certain posts to tell him what I had experienced in the industry by that point, and what those instances made me come to decide to work with and not work with. So he became fully aware of all I've said about the many directors by name while we were in talks about working together. And he still hired me. Why? Because he had enough faith in his own integrity and character to know that he would never do those things. And that humanity is why he is the only person I met while in the gay porn industry that I am still friends with today.

So you see, I am aware that there are some, but too few decent people in the porn industry.

In closing, if I seem angered by all of this, know that "anger" is not the right word. The correct word is disappointed. Disappointed in the fact that I was once again right about an ill within the adult entertainment industry. You see, as much as most people (including myself) normally want to be right, this is a situation that I would like to for once publicly admit to being wrong. But this outcome shows that day is not today.

Open Letter To Chris Ryan on Racism

Chris Ryan is a NYC party promoter. He recently posted a question on Facebook regarding sexual racism, which resulted in too many reactions from some whites that were not unexpected, but are therefore saddening since they don't speak well of us as a community. And as a NYC party promoter, Chris may unknowingly on some level enable these reactions to live on. So after seeing this reaction too many times before on other party promoter's pages, I decided to possibly enlighten him as to why such reactions exist, and why they are wrong. And it's my seeing it many times before on promoter's pages that I'm posting it as an open letter...


Hello Chris,

I recently saw this Facebook post of yours:

I will give you an answer, as well as get to how I feel about your question later on in this message. But let me start by saying that it's sad to say that I was disgusted, but not at all surprised by some of the comments I saw in response to your question. For too many of your 1st white commenters were quick to either brush the question off with a "Here we go again?" or a quick non-explanatory "No".

Such comments are common for mainly a white person, but also a person of a light complexioned ethnicity coming from an upbringing (in their youth and/or time in the gay community), or a medium to dark complexioned person trying to avoid a charge of being perceived as "angry" by any of the aforementioned. For the best known gay media sources including The Advocate, Out, Instinct, Queerty, etc., as well as gay porn and gay nightlife furthers along the "mind"-set that in knowledge, beauty, and sex appeal "white, then light are the only rights". So we are all taught that if we fuck and love white/light, we should never question ourselves when we do so. Hence the sense of white entitlement displayed among your commenters who refuse to stop and question themselves. This furthers along the reality of the stigma of how gay males have arrested development issues.

We are so bombarded by these images of what is smart and sexy by a short spectrum of color, while the color spectrum of human skin is actually way more vast. So since we as humans are not immune to coercion. we must stop and ask ourselves if our attraction is ours naturally, or media-influenced. Again, the whites with a sense of White Entitlement and arrogance endorsed by white-dominated gay outlets will be quick in refusing to do that look within. For they are the ones benefiting from it, and too stingy to share such glory.

What is most troubling about this is how meanwhile, all of the aforementioned who refuse to ask themselves if their attraction to whites/light is natural or media-influenced are quick to make someone question themselves if that someone should want a lover of a medium to dark complexion. Case in point, there are many times when I've been out, and a white/light person has given me a look of interest, but won't do a thing or say a single word. However, later in the night, I'll see them give that same look to a white/light person, and spring into action without hesitation.

Now, I have made no secret of battling my own racism towards other black males. And I have also made it no secret how that racism was induced by the trauma of my growing up where I was surrounded by black males who fit every negative stereotype seen in media. After realizing that since I'm a decent black man, therefore there must be more, I'm still in the process of finding more and more other black males as sexually attractive. But the only reason that has occurred is because I practice what I am preaching. I stopped to take a look at myself to ask myself:
WHY DO I FEEL THIS WAY?
WHAT TAUGHT ME THIS?
And once I discovered what taught it to me, ask myself...
HOW DO I UNDO THE MISINFORMATION LIFE'S CIRCUMSTANCES HAS TAUGHT ME, and the MEDIA HAS TAKEN ADVANTAGE OF?

Such a look within is the act of a man. An adult. The problem is those who write such comments as "Here we go again?" or a the non-explanatory "No" are not man enough to do that look within.

So with all of this, the answer to your question is YES, it is racist. For we all have a preference, but only the shallow among us are the ones who refuse to believe the truth of how both sex and love are spiritual connections. And if you have enough depth to let that spiritual connection take over, you can find yourself sexually and/or romantically attracted to someone who is not of your usual preference. For the very 1st time I ever had sex with a Black man was for my 1st porn movie. Before that movie, my preference for guys lighter than myself took precedence. But since that movie and my look within, I have had a few occasions of sex with Black men outside of porn and sex party environments, and briefly courted one as well. Why? Because I saw something in their spirit that drew me in, and I wanted that spiritual connection with them in sex and/or love for it. So the only thing to stop someone from putting themselves in a place/situation to possibly feel and act on feeling that connection is RACISM.

Note: The fact that I've dated/sexed more lighter complexioned people than blacks does not mean lighter people are better. Every color is equally fucked up. Hence why I'm single.

Now, let me close with what I promised from the beginning in telling you how I feel about your question....Since a social media site like Facebook is where many go to validate their viewpoint by gathering "Likes", I can't help but wonder if your question on Facebook was simply a way to feel validated by all those who gave you that non-explanatory "no", Add to you being a party promoter, therefore on some level enables the racist mindset, which might give financial (but not spiritual) success, I'm even more skeptical. But I hoping more so that this question was posted because it is a genuine concern of yours. If such is the case, then I commend you for asking the question. For it shows somewhere in you, you are aware that so much of what I've said here is TRUE. So you have compassion. Now, whether or not you let that realization and compassion come to the forefront of your heart and mind enough to take further action in any way within your reach, that is up to you.

I hope this message came through with respect and diplomacy. If I diverted from that at any point, based on all I've witnessed, I hope you understand my frustration. Thank you.


B.U.2B FREE,

See Me Return to Mr. Nude York

Well, after my absence last year for reasons stated in a blog post from about a year ago, I'm throwing my name in the hat again to try to be crowned Mr. Nude York.

I still feel win or lose, my presence is necessary. For I'm seeing my greatest fears of Black gay males come to fruition...That they've given up trying to show themselves as a contender for beauty and sex appeal because gay media has beaten down their confidence. Even when these fellow blacks claim to be like me, an exhibitionist. So someone needs to show that we're not all beaten down.

And I will not just be representing my color, but also my age group. For it needs to be shown that just because you're over 30, that doesn't mean you roll over, act dead, and live vicariously through the 20-somethings by paying their way for everything their greed desires. In short, I'm adding messages to this statement I will always make with my exhibitionism: 

By wanting my presence to give such a message, I hope to see you there for support. To be entertained by me, and all the hot bods in their undies.

Mike Dozer's Condom Stance Provokes My Reiteration

I read in Attitude Magazine's post about pornstar rapist Mike Dozer's sentencing that he was a former "anti-condom ambassador"?!

Reading that made me feel the need to reiterate my ongoing stance on bareback sex, and why I feel that way.
A term like "anti-condom ambassador" brings to mind the hashtag #BBBH (BareBack BrotherHood). A hashtag I may have used to get the attention of those loyal to that hashtag, but I have never defined myself by it. Nor should you, unless you practice barebacking, are HIV+ , and know your prospective playmate is also, OR you're HIV- , practice barebacking, and just before your hook-up, both you and your prospective playmate just got rapid test reading negative. Otherwise, why would you define yourself that way? Or as an "anti-condom ambassador"? Defining yourself by such terms and not conveying it to your prospective playmate tells me that not only are you a massive risk-taker with your own life, but you do the same with your partners as well.
And with that, plus the pedophilia encouraged by porn films (like those by Nica Noelle), look where that got Mike Dozer.
This is definitely a judgement of barebacking, but not in the way you might think. For even though it was "fashionable" to do so at the time, while I was doing studio-based porn, I never publicly bashed barebacking, nor did I condone it. With that in mind, there was no way you would have found me being one of Chi Chi LaRue's hypocrisy brigade bitches with her hand up their ass screaming "Shut your hole!" 5 years ago while they have profiles on barebacking hook-up sites. So I was glad to be too Black (and too individual enough) to have never reached the height of porn-stardom to have even been asked.
My stance on barebacking has always been that it's a matter of choice. This is me repeating myself to my long time readers, but I've long felt that condoms are unnatural, because there should not be a barrier between you and your sex partner. HOWEVER, we must consider using condoms because of all of the STIs one can catch. So if one (myself included) gets infected with anything, he should be a man and accept those consequences.
I have long gotten flack for this position on the matter. In fact, during my discussion "Gay Porn: Teacher, Indicator, or Both?", when the issue of barebacking in gay porn came up, I expressed this position, and got into a heated exchange between a guy in the audience claiming to be a counselor. He seemed to have gotten so heated that during the intermission a few minutes later, he never returned. Although, that was before Truvada being used for PrEP was not so widely known or accessible. So even though I didn't need others supporting my view to validate it for me then or now, I'm sure I now have more supporters on my stance.
Anyway, I've admitted to barebacking. I've admitted that some of my homemade videos are barebacking videos. But I am not so loyal to my feeling that condoms are unnatural that I'm not going to take precautions with strangers. However, there have been occasions where I have barebacked with a stranger. Hence why I'm not a harsh judge of someone who is usually firm on condom use, and having a slip from their regimen. For sex is meant to be spontaneous. So what I am critical of is a condom-user who falters, and tries covering it up by publicly giving harsh criticism to barebackers, while never once publicly admitting to their personal misstep in their sexual practice. That's why you should never trust someone that critical of someone who barebacks. They're often epitomizing the old saying..."Doth protest too much".
What has prevented Mike Dozer's story from becoming my story is the fact that I have never gotten so caught up in the turning a blind eye and false sense of sexual entitlement bestowed upon porn actors that I've lost my sense of what is morally right and wrong. Or my sense of what is right and wrong in the eyes of the law. Fooling myself into believing that there are no consequences for my actions. And that is what you have in all areas of Mike Dozer situation. From his pursuing a minor to his attitude towards condom use. To the point he could proudly wear a t-shirt that says "Condoms are for pussies."
All one can do is shake their head at that.

Sex Party Etiquette: Choose Competitor or Connector

It is said that insanity is doing the same thing over and over again expecting a different outcome. Well, with many  of my tales of sex parties and backrooms often come out showing guys who are losers, you might think that I'm insane. Well trust me, I am by no means insane.

For yes, I do go into those sex parties and backrooms over and over again. However, I'm not expecting a different outcome. I'm hoping for a different outcome. So I'm going by the age-old adage of "hope for the best, but expect the worst". And what I'm hoping for is a sign that we are doing better to our own and more importantly, ourselves. But with sad thanks to the following incident, that has yet to happen.

I recently went to a bar and met a tall, well-built, light haired, bearded guy from Boston named Chris. We made out for a bit, then after a while we went and got a drink together. En route to getting a drink, he said that it was his first time in such a place, so he's never tipped a go-go boy before. So I helped lead the way to show him how simple it was in a non-condescending way. It something I've done in the past for males I was and was not making out with, as well as females. So it was no big deal to me. It was just my kindness to a visitor to NYC to undo the repression towards sex and male nudity that makes a go-go boy in a jockstrap a scary creature to touch.

When we started making out again, we got quite hot and heavy. And at one point, while me and Chris were face to face, a light-skinned Latino wearing a black Marvel baseball cap got behind him. I later discovered this Latino was a totally racist asshole. I've seen him before, and he never wants a Black guy touching him. Yet, he has the fuckfaced audacity to inject himself into my session with my fooling around with Chris. Turning my connection with Chris into a competition. So he obvious was going by the idea I've address before about White and light-complexioned people acting as if they sexual entitled to the playmate of a darker person.

Before this I thought Chris was pretty cool and decent. Chris' decency died when the Latino leaves and Chris asked me if he could go with him for a little bit. In response I told Chris, "If you go with him, you might as well stay gone."

At this point, if you find my response to be me overreacting, then you exude the selfishness that holds gay males from doing better for themselves. For my behavior towards Chris before this Latino came along deserved both respect and loyalty. And both were forsaken when it became obvious to Chris that the Latino who interrupted us didn't want me as part of the package, in spite of the fact that me and Chris were already deep in our fooling around.

For the code of etiquette in such a situation is that if 2 (or more) people are playing, if someone new interjects or is invited in, then they have to be willing to play with all parties there before his arrival in the group. And this Latino felt such a selfishness and sense of light entitlement that he presented himself as another selfish faggot never considering that code. In his selfishness, my pre-existence didn't matter.

That sense of loyalty I talking about is how I lost my virginity in a 5-man orgy, instead just with one person. It was because even then I had a sense of loyalty. I put myself in this situation with the 3 guys (who later found a 5th) I hung around long enough to connect with. And it would have been rude of me to have suddenly up and left them if someone else came along who was not into one of them. There were some who tried, but it wasn't happening. For that night, I was experimenting, too.

Experimenting...That and being 22 are the excuses Chris gave for what he did after I made him feel uncomfortable for making out with the Latino after we parted ways.

Now at 22, Chris has obviously kissed, obviously touched a half-naked male body, obviously rimmed a guy's ass, and probably fucked. NONE OF WHICH I had not done on the night I lost my virginity. So his excuse of his being "22, at The Cock, and experimenting" was bullshit. The truth is he was another to prove the point I expressed in "The Expendable Gay Male". A point of how he was "another faggot who like so many other gay males make it their Karma to grow old and lonely. A point that hit him drilled into Chris' head that he got to the point of screaming, "Get away from me!"

And the sadist in me sparked by his behavior made me walk away with a smile as I got my things to leave.

And if you're being quick to defend Chris' age, take note of this fact:

If you're old enough to use age as your "justification" for treating someone as expendable, then you are old enough to know it's not a right thing to do.

TAKE NOTE: His outburst was not a shock. It was in fact calculated. Because that's what my plan is when I write tales such as this, or call someone on their shit to their face. To cause the guilty to have an emotional implosion or explosion because they hate hearing the negative word(s) about what their bad behavior makes them.

And the word "faggot" definitely qualifies to describe people like both Chris and that Latino. And for those who have an issue with me calling Chris that, let me reiterate:

There are gay men, and there are faggots. In using sex to calculate the measure of a man, a man (gay, straight, or bi) uses the quality of the sex. Meanwhile, a faggot uses the quantity of sex. Chris was so set on getting a higher quantity of guys that he made himself oblivious to this other guy not wanting me in the picture, and disregarding that fact once it became obvious to him.

Some might say that I'm giving guys a way to defend themselves by telling my mode of attack. Well, that's the beauty of truth. Nature has made it that you can't build a defense against it. A facade of defense, but never an actual defense. When it's a harsh truth, its hurting is going to manifest itself in some kind of way. Hence why I said "implosion". For even if the guilty doesn't scream like Chris, the fact is that truth is chiseling away at his soul as to how right I was to be disappointed in him, and how right I was to call him out.

Whether it's a sex party, backroom, or one-night stand, like a long-term relationship, you are still dealing with a human being. Someone who has invested time in you. Therefore, if they have not disrespected you, they still deserve your respect and loyalty.

Sadly. stereotypical gay male rules tell us to forget this reality. And what it leads to are all of those lonely old males wanting to porn in spite of how degrading it is to the performers, buying prostitutes, and sitting in dark corners of the bar living vicariously through the young guys who are destined to wind up just like them. After all, misery does love company. So Chris was one of those students of faggotry that night. Well, since we have enough of it here in NYC, maybe Chris can take his back home with him to Boston. And that will be good riddance.

Chancing Sex Beyond The Preference

If you open your mouth or exercise actions to show that you feel a certain color or ethnicity could not possibly have someone you find sexually attractive, then you are practicing sexual racism.

Now, if you open your mouth or exercise actions to show that you find all colors and ethnicities beautiful, but maybe drawn to one more than the others, then that is sexual preference.

However, while the latter of those 2 shows better character, there maybe a degree of racism fueling one's preference. Hence why this argument of the difference between "racism" and "preference" keeps waging on. I will be the first to admit that based on the racism I have felt towards Black males because of so many bad instances done by them since my birth, I ask myself every time I turn down a Black guy's advances if it's from that racism. Or is my preference for guys my color and lighter from an honest place. Well, I must honestly say that some of the past advances in person and online that I turned down from Black guys were done with that prejudice in my heart.

So what gives me the right to point a "Shame On You" finger at some of you readers?...The fact that I'm admitting my mistake, and took enough of a look at myself to correct it, and fight it when circumstances put it on the verge of resurfacing. That's why now, my turning down the advances of Blacks come more from an honest place. Now, the same ineptitude in social skills that has caused my turning down of Whites causes me to turn down Blacks, instead of that plus color. Hence how the following story came about....

At this sex party, every Black guy so far had done the same thing that has prevented me from finding a sexy Black male to play with for so long. Breaking a rule I have repeatedly said in posts about sex party etiquette---Sure he would look at me, but instead of waiting for me to return a glance, he would grab either my arm, but usually my ass. Either way, it was bad form. And had happened so often that I thought I was near crossing Black guys off as possible prospects for playmates, therefore never as boyfriends, and therefore never as a husband. Mind you, I was never specifically looking for a Black male, or any male of any specific color. When I go to a sex party, I always look for a connection, not about horniness, but a mutual lust for each other. This observation of color/ethnicity is an after thought that comes when I tally up the various colors and ethnicities I have spent my time with, and why such is the case.

I had some fun during the night. Then later during the last couple of hours of the party, just as I was on the verge of calling it a night, this Black guy walked pass me and stopped. Because of his dark skin, and the extremely dim light, I could hardly see him, which frustrated me. Because the vibe I felt was that he was not like every Black guy before him. He was someone I would enjoy. For starters, he followed my rule of sex party etiquette by waiting for my return glance before making a physical move.

For after he stopped, I looked back at him, and in spite of my apprehension about trusting that vibe, I did what I hadn't done to any other Black guy during the course of the night. I let him get closer, and reciprocated his advances. He touched on my chest. I touched on his. He had a nice chiseled chest, then my hands went down his torso to feel his six-pack abs. By this time, his hands had already went down my torso, did a fondle of my dick and balls, and finally stationed on massaging my ass.

We then started kissing. Each second got more passionate. To the point that he lifted my right leg to his side, then I wrapped it around his muscular left thigh. He took that as an opportunity to take my left leg so I would wrap it around his right thigh. So I was now wrapped around him, and we continued kissing. We were almost near the walkway of the area, so he picked me up and put my back up against the wall as we continued making out. We then knew that this much making out at a sex party made us having sex becoming a must. He wanted my ass, and I badly wanted his cock. And whatever position we fucked in, I needed to be able to feel that body. So if he didn't make it that way, I was determined to maneuver the situation that we did not end up doing doggy style.

He carried me to this weird apparatus in the club. It slanted downward. He put me down on my back with my head directed towards the floor. There was a little step on it that he got on, and as his silhouette hovered over me, I prepped my ass for his entry, because his cock couldn't get in me fast enough. Although because of my earlier encounters with Black guys that night, in parties past, and online, who imitated the most known Blacks in gay porn, who are the worst representation of us, I wondered if I was jumping the gun in wanting him inside me so bad. But I trusted my instinct about the initial vibe, relaxed my tight hole, and let him in.

He slowly put his cock inside me, and the further inside he went, the more my nerves tingled with pleasure. And once he was all the way in and started thrusting, I started touching his body. Feeling the build up of sweat on his chest, abs, and flexing-from-thrusting round ass made my nerves tingle more than I thought possible. So I didn't feel like I was the White boy in every porn scene I've ever come across with Bobby Blake, Diesel Washington, Cutler X, and the like - with a Black male's dick as the fist, and my body as the punching bag using sex to take out some historical rage towards slavery times. This made every thrust of his cock into my ass lessen my fear that my vibe about him was wrong. In fact, because of being rid of that fear, I don't know how many times I yelled "Holy fuck!!!!" as he pounded away at me. But the other patrons sure knew. For I noticed that with each of my yells of "Holy fuck!!!!", more guys came over. Making me see more and more silhouettes over my playmate's shoulder, instead of the part of the club I saw when I was first put on that apparatus.

By the time he orgasmed in my ass, all of his actions made sex with him not be about finally having sex with a Black male. It was about having great sex with a well-mannered, civilized man. It ended up being the best sex I had all night. To which I basked in it for a bit, then got my clothes and went home.

I don't know where my head was as to why I didn't get his number. Because he definitely has a dick I should call upon when I want to be a hungry power bottom. After all, he liked taking my ass, but what makes me want replays is because my vibe was right. Even though his look and body fit the gay media-induced mold of what constitutes as a "beautiful Black man", his actions didn't play the porn-induced concept of an overly aggressive Black male. For he wasn't about holding me down and making me a total submissive, and forbidding me to touch his ass. He also had no problem with letting me show my hunger by me using my ass to grind on and squeeze his cock.

My point in all of this is that breaking away from what you call "your preference" doesn't hurt if the vibe is right. And NEVER let your friends, gay media, or porn dictate it to you (like they probably have so far). Let your heart, mind, body, and soul guide you to that connection. Be that connection for a night, or for life.

Poppers?!...We Don't Need No Stinkin' Poppers!

When you bottom, do you want to be the best bottom,...or do you want to just be mediocre, or worse?

Well, if you're doing poppers, then you are definitely the latter. And I make no apologies for calling you as such.

The use of poppers has become an epidemic in the gay community. To the point that it is hard to find someone man enough to make the act of sex itself be the only high. And while porn was a failure in inspiring many other negatives in gay male sexual behavior, at one time, it was a place to look for a sign of hope. Well, I must inform you that this is now another thing to add to porn's failures. For now the use of poppers has been making its way into porn.

My 1st sight of this repulsion was seeing Tim Kruger allow poppers into a scene for his TimTales site. And most recently, I saw it in a Treasure Island Media scene I came across from "Fuck Holes 3" where the bottom Ryan Cummings was such a pathetic slave to poppers that he wore his bottle of poppers as a necklace. It's sad seeing the number of gay males who have lessened their manhood because they are following the lead of such weaklings. Which in turn makes them an even greater weakling. For the follower of a fool is a greater fool than the original.

Adding to my annoyance is my awareness of how popper-users are putting their sex partners lives in jeopardy. For since I was doing porn, porn actors are encouraged to take male enhancement pills, like Viagra and the like. And I'm sure those pills are being taken for play at sex parties. This makes way for the problem of how male enhancement pills and poppers are a combo that can lower your blood pressure to dangerous levels. So it's weak and selfish play on the part of the person using poppers, and irresponsible porn production for a porn producer/director to allow this. But from Treasure Island Media, this is not the first time I've seen such irresponsibility. So moving on...

This problem would not exist if more gay males were told how taking in dick successfully requires 3 simple things:

1. LUBE. Make your hole and his cock nice, wet, and slick;
2. REAL DESIRE to have that person inside you, and;
3. A DEEP BREATH during a top's entry. For the rectum is a suction tube, and breathing in deeply while your top is entering you helps to suck him into you. 

Well, due to the lack of seeing my tips practiced, and after purchasing and receiving dildos in a variety of sizes since I started my day job, I decided what better way to prove why I have a right to my annoyance than to show myself taking on some big dicks popper-free. Even better with dildos being those dicks because for many of us, a dildo is more difficult to take in than an actual penis. So if I can get through 3 increasingly large dildos without a single huff of poppers, then it proves that those of you who use poppers have no excuse.

So if you're using poppers, then you have fallen prey to a lie. The use of poppers is nothing more than a means to get high.

Sad compared to how my high during sex doesn't involve any manufactured harmful chemicals. Because for me, sex is the high. That high being the entire road building from mouth to mouth, then skin to skin, sweat to sweat, my dick to his ass, and/or his dick to my ass ----THOSE ARE THE THINGS that make my high during sex. And this post and video is to urge others to do the same.

It Was HOT When Tré Xavier Fucked_____

After all of the mostly negative things I've said about the gay porn industry, it should not be a surprise that for someone to ask me which scene was my favorite during a fuck session of all times is someone not thinking with a clear mind. When that did happen. I simply answered with the truth - I don't have one favorite. I like a number of them equally, but for different reasons. It was a quick honest answer meant to move on to better topics and actions.

However, I do know that is a burning question for some of you, So in much better spirits, I decided to make a video compilation showing clips from my favorite scenes, and write out for you why they're my favorite. So in order of production date:

1) Oh Boy! Escorts 2 - If you're new to my blog, then you probably don't know a fact that I long told about that scene. The fact that my scene partner was my 1st time ever having sex with a Black man. What makes this scene a favorite is that it help to undo some of my racism towards Black males. Racism born out of the trauma of me being harassed by Black males throughout my youth and in the workplace in my adulthood. For unlike Double R in "Love of The Fuck 4", my scene partner in "Oh Boy! Escorts 2", Joseph Nash (who later used the name "Paris") was a total gentleman.

Also, sex with Joseph Nash for that scene is what taught me how stupid the industry was for its racism in casting. For I'm sure men of color like myself were overlooked by studios like Falcon, Dominic Ford, etc. because they felt the sex in ethnic porn was different (or less great) than the sex they were making. When truth be told, ethnic porn is just as fucked up in its scenarios and inciting of ignorant, self-loathing sexual behavior as ALL of the White mainstream porn studios.

2) 69 Fuck Street - This was a favorite because with it, I set out what I wanted to accomplish in my porn career. And it was only my 2nd movie.

My goal in porn was to show that Black males can be with Whites, Latinos, Asians, etc, and be bottoms, instead of the overly aggressive tops that every studio was shoving down our throats. Hence why you have White guys young and old, stupidly looking to be throttled if they decide to have sex with a Black guy, but meanwhile look for passion and compassion when they get with a White guy. So what more could I ask for in that 5-man orgy scene to be the only Black guy in the room, and one of the 2 bottoms. And speaking of being one of the 2 bottoms, another thing making this scene a favorite was being able to 69 kiss my main pornstar-crush at the time, Jason Dean.

Lastly, making that scene a favorite it was with Private studios, which was always one of my favorite porn studios even before their brief stint in gay porn. To explain why I always list the studio as Private Man-Size/Dark Alley Media, it's because Man-Size was Private's gay line of porn and Dark Alley Media (before they went bareback) was a subsidiary on the production.

3) The Interview - The explanation of how this is a favorite is simple, and has already been told in "The Great Gotten From Gotti". So the short explanation is Favian Gotti was the best on-camera sex I ever had.

4) All Out Assault - This might be my #1 favorite. For multiple factors made it the scene where everything was done right on the production end. Me and my scene partner, Taino were put together because we chose each other. Plus, I knew weeks in advance of this pairing. It wasn't a pairing sprung on me a day before, or as soon as I walked in the door like most of my scenes. And in those weeks prior, me and Taino had a phone conversation telling each other our likes and dislikes so that the scene would go smoothly. The funny fact about that phone conversation is that I was walking through the (no longer existing) clothing store, Daffy's in Downtown Manhattan at the time. So I was trying to be mindful of my language and walk out of earshot of people.

Everything going so well is what restored my hope in the industry, and made me keep my name alive as "Tré Xavier" But I realized over 95% o f porn directors are not as humane as Ben Marksman. Hence why me and Ben are still friends today. In fact, he is the only person that I met through the industry that I still maintain a good connection with.

So now you know my favorite scenes from my porn days and why. I hope they gave you good memories of great fantasies. Whatever the case, I am more so appreciative of you accepting my manhood blossoming because I left the industry. Thank you.

3 Nail Sets Building My Coffin For Religion

RELIGION.

It is a hot button topic as of late. Primarily because of those who practice one are using all sorts of unsavory methods for recruiting that makes them one type of person (that followers of my blogs know) I hate most ---HYPOCRITES.

I have always believed in God. In fact in 1998 I designed my one and only tattoo making the top of the triangle being a cross to symbolize Faith because I knew my belief in God would not die. And while I have parted ways with the idea of practicing a religion, my belief in there being a God and how great his power is has not faded.

What has led me to the point of giving up on religion is primarily my encounters with 3 people. Each of them possessing a great degree of the very thing that I'm sure many of you who have pulled away from religion will agree with...

RELIGIOUS HYPOCRISY.

I am now no stranger to the fact how everyone who has parted ways with religion has one, a few, or many contributing to them putting a nail in a coffin meant for religion. Subconsciously, I'm sure there are many like televangelists, like Billy Graham and even worst Pat Robertson. But the following 3 are the ones who put the main nails in the coffin for me.

1) Mom.
It pains me to have to say it, because if any of you follow me on Facebook, you know that me and my Mom are quite close. However, there is an underlying resentment on my part because of some hypocrisy I experienced that halted my coming out, and led to my near 15 years of contemplating suicide.

To make a long story short, my mother always knew that I was some degree of gay. But because of her Christian religion, she did everything she thought was in her power to stop this from happening. Such as making up a house rule that if I ever came out as gay, I would not be allowed same sex company over, even if I said that same-sex company was just a platonic friend. Meanwhile, religious hypocrisy being what it is, my heterosexual siblings have been able to have their friends over regardless of gender. And this much to my mother's chagrin has laid way for them to commit fornication, which last I checked is a sin in the Bible. Fornicating that may or may not have even led to the conception of one of my nephews.

With such restraints preventing me from being true to myself, it is no wonder as to why and how the first few nails making the bottom of a coffin for religion got put in. Giving religion, as a former co-worker used to say, "...one foot in the grave and the other on a banana peel".

2) The guy from "You Can Say Never".

The guy from my poem "You Can Say Never" was an atheist. He also attended a church. How those 2 can come together is something I don't understand.

Now, I have long said that I would never date an atheist. So how did this guy come into the picture? It's because he told me about his going to church first. But that was not the hypocrisy that was a factor leading me to decide for us to part ways.

The hypocrisy was him acting so much more evolved, very likely because of his church affiliation. He always said that I wore my porn past as a badge of honor. Now, those of you who are my most loyal readers know that is definitely not the case. You know my mentioning my porn past is a means to show many lessons that I have learned from that experience. Lessons that may have made me worthy of a badge of honor now, Plus, it's about not having to look over my shoulder to see who is going to find out, and how they are going to react. By being upfront, I already have my answer, and learned early on who deserves to stay, and who deserves to go from my life. Hence why he is no longer in the picture. If his church affiliation was worth its weight in gold, a parting of the ways would have never happened based on those grounds.

3) Douglas Sanders & Rivers of Living Water
By this point, the coffin for religion had a completed bottom, but no nails holding the side together. Therefore, it had no top. That all changed however after my dealing with Douglas Sanders.

I initially met Douglas through his invitation to a 3-way that he was hosting. Afterwards, neither one of us pursued the other. The association that inspired the following poems and blog posts started after that 3-way that was poppered-fueled on his and his 1st playmate's part:
Poems:
"The Fence of Goodbye"
"Poppered Preacher"
"Don't Disrespect This Fuck"
"Chemicals In Our Night".

Blog posts:
"Open Letter To Rivers @ Rehoboth"
"The Expendable Gay Male"
"Open Letter To The No-Show Inspirer".

Instead of rehashing all of the details here, I'll leave you to look at some or all of those pieces to understand Douglas' major contribution to religion's funeral in my life. Trust me, it won't take much to understand.

After I spent my time and money paying his way to various outings with me, as well as paying train fare for him to go to his own church, instead of being a man about his hesitation to continue what he started, he showed supreme faggotry by having to be cornered to address the matter. My main annoyance with this hesitation that exposed his religious hypocrisy was his part of his reasoning for it...

He claimed that as a minister-in-training, he had an image to maintain, and my being so sexually open could cause a problem for him. Well, it seems I'm more qualified to be a minister than him. For his "image to maintain" is just that, an image. Especially considering how we initially met by his invitation to a 3-way at his place of residence. AND adding fuel to the fire of hypocrisy is a recent article from The Guardian about how his church, Rivers of Living Water is a church accepting of sex workers and drug users. Now, you know I've been a sex worker, but only experimental with the latter. Meanwhile, with the latter, Douglas was hardcore. And since drug users do so out of escapism, how can a minister lead people to be stronger, when the minister himself shows no shame in their own acts of escapism? The answer is THEY CAN'T. And with such hypocrisy, it should be no surprise that the comments on the article caused so discord that the comments are closed.

Meanwhile with me, what you see is what you get. There's no image involved on my part, and that is what people want in a minister. However, even though I played dumb to sit in on a minister training class from his church to learn just how spiritually corrupt his church is, being a minister was never my goal.

In regards to Rivers of Living Water, I already voiced by issues and their part in my distancing myself from religion in my open letter to them. So just simply click on that link to get those details.

Side note: The church was called Rivers at Rehoboth when I was guest attending. So why the name change since I started writing my posts, I don't know.

Some of the more catty readers of this post are probably saying, "LeNair can't keep a man because (like Taylor Swift) he always writes about them when it's over. So men get scared."

Well, before I go any further with the main idea of this post, my response to that is a 2-parter:
1)If they were the real MEN they initially presented themselves as, instead of being the boys with toys I later discovered them to be, then I wouldn't have to write about them so negatively. So a guy having confidence in his own moral character has nothing to fear. Therefore, he wouldn't give such an excuse to not get involved with me. And;
2)Take note of the fact that you know Douglas Sanders by face and name. Meanwhile, the guy from "You Can Say Never", except for his being White and an atheist, you know nothing about him. So he could be anybody. It's because the guy from "You Can Say Never" was man enough to let us have the conversation that gave us closure. Meanwhile, Douglas Sanders, a so-called "man of god" never manned-up. He put off that conversation until my patience was tested way beyond humane levels. So his name and photos are on blast.

Such behavior on Douglas' part may very well explain why he has claimed that some in his past have just abruptly left his life. Regardless of that, as a writer, I may have to vent, but if you do your part, I will respect you enough to be discreet about your identity.

Anyway, with that said, while both of these guys played a part in my distancing myself from religion, you can't deny how it is beyond a fucking shame when an atheist outdoes a so-called "man of God". Thereby making Douglas a disgrace to his new title of "minister". Douglas never earned that respect. So to all the catty readers, EAT THAT!!!

UPDATE on 5/7: An incident further confirming Douglas Sander's hypocrisy that pushed me to this decision against religion:
Fraud To God: A White Minister Says He's 'Black By Insertion'

All of the aforementioned instances from said parties put me at risk for making me what  I fault many gays for being - one so quick to give up on God altogether once they come out. Thereby making me what I loathe to a heinous degree. The type of person making me need to write this post so I don't become one of them ---a hypocrite.

This post is by no means saying that all religious people are bad. But based on my experiences, and recent headlines of ministers in the vein of Douglas Sanders showing up on Grindr, I do feel an overwhelming number of religious followers are greatly misled. I also feel that they are saddened to a degree by the man-made restrictions they follow passed off to be those of God. Therefore, since misery loves company, they want others to do the same as them. And it says a lot how even when I was living a life trying to follow a religion, my most loyal and supportive friends were not religious. Yet, the religious people in my life were always limiting in support of my exploring unknown territories of life.

It is for this reason that I am done with religion. Am I done for good? I don't know. But if following a religion stays dead to me in my life, as some of you have a list of people who brought you to that point, I have my list as well. So it will take someone less imprisoned by their faith to resurrect religion for me. And whatever the case, my being done with religion does not mean I am done with my love of God. For I doubt that he is done with his love for me.

The Expendable Gay Male

Why are so many gay males single?

It is a question often asked, but no one seems to have a real concrete answer. And if they do come up with one, they often do the talk, but not the walk. Well, while I am not perfect, I plan on letting this post show that what I say here comes from being both the wronged, as well as the wrong-doer. So I have learned my lesson. And by the end of this post, you'll learn how we can discuss this further in person.

Whether you meet a guy in a bar/club, at a sex party or backroom, or via an online hook-up it has become a norm that we have come to accept and display behavior to one another that says:

"I got horny, hit you up online (or left the bar/club with you), fucked, and never thought that for one second I owed you the courtesy of treating you like anything more than a hole to stick my dick in and/or a stick to tickle the nerve endings in my ass tunnel with. So excuse me for acting like that moment and night never happened, and/or not remembering your name. It's because in short, you weren't human to me. You were an expendable object simply there to satisfy my horniness. And I used you because I got sick and fuckin' tired of using my hand and sex toys. And for some unforeseen reason, you just happened to be a hole or stick that came with a pulse."

And hook-up websites and apps have only exasperated this problem. For they take away the face-to-face human interaction once required for a hook-up, which made us more human, therefore less often seen as expendable. Also, many gay males lessen their manhood by saying things like a guy named Douglas said to me,"Hey, it's a hook-up site. You take it too literally and too personally. It is what is and will always be just that. It's not the Love Connection with Chuck Woolery."

Keep in mind that Douglas is a minister-in-training. So with an attitude like that to exonerate himself from being dismissive of one's time, body, and emotions in a hook-up, only a fool would go to his ministry. For his statement is waaaay less embodying of those of a man worth being called a "minister". But I digress.

Anyway, just because the idea of dismissing the person as existing after doing the deed is considered "protocol", that doesn't make it right.

(If you think it does, come to my discussion on 1/23/15 and I'll give you an indisputable example to solidify this point.)

Now, I'm not saying that after a hook-up that you have to date, then call a realtor, because you're immediately a couple. What I am saying is that from the moment that guy either clicks on your online profile, approaches you at a sex party, touches you in a backroom, lust for you in a bar/club, or so much as kisses you in any of the aforementioned places, it is your God-ordained right to demand that he remembers the fact that first and foremost, YOU ARE A HUMAN BEING. So after sex, he should not be allowed to treat a Fleshlight or Tenga Flip-Hole with more respect than he treats you.

And if it's not those instances that gay males are using as a means to treat one another as expendable. It's circumstances like color/ethnicity, age, and even HIV status.

I've went over color/ethnicity enough times that I don't have to go there in great detail right now. If you're new to this blog, you can easily click on one of the links under "Category", and you can easily find stories to support how we are ostracizing each other for no good reason.

The same can also be said regarding HIV status as a means to treat one another as disposable. I also went over this in great detail in the blog post, "The 'Are You Clean?' Challenge".

What many gays don't seem to realize is that all of this ostracizing makes for bad Karma. Bad Karma punishing us for that dehumanizing treatment, which in turn makes many gay males end up alone. And Karma being the tricky bitch that she is will get you. For even after you think you've found the "love of your life", Karma makes you pay by taking that love away. It's payback for however many times you didn't show simple human courtesy to a person you shared your body with.

There is always that parent, family member, former friend, or job that distances themselves from us after we come out. However, that cannot be used as an excuse as to why so many gay males do it to each other, then end up alone and lonely in our old age. We have to start breaking the cycle of belittling.

And it won't stop until we address how it exist, and act humanely to one another to counter it. Hence why I will be continuing this in a discussion I'm moderating on January 23rd at the LGBT Center in NYC. There I will give more details to my stories, and give you the floor to tell some of your own. So until then....

Don't Tell Me Not

Don’t tell me not to talk about sex

All of you fuck, and my talk is not so much to boast

Dirty as my talk might sometimes be

It’s meant for you to learn the most

As we live in this repressive society

Where “sex” is such a dirty word

That even couples need an arbitrator

So that their desire of one another is heard

I also talk about sex to undo the brainwashing

That we for centuries have been told

Sexual roles based on gender, orientation, and ethnicity

Can finally be broken from their poisonous mold

To see a woman’s vagina is a cherished passage for passion

 The sexuality spectrum has more colors than initially figured

And a Black male has the smarts to be a man

And not imitate porn playing “gorilla nigger”

So don’t tell me not to talk about racism

Showing yourself to be a racially insensitive bitch

For you wouldn’t want me to tell you to be quiet

If the power dynamic suddenly switched

Where my black skin made me perceived most beautiful

And intellectually treated to be the superior

Meanwhile, no matter how smart and beautiful you are in the eyes of God

I say you’re shit on the sole of my shoe, and inferior

You were hoping I was one of those Blacks

Weak enough for you to guilt into silence

Calling me “another angry Black man” to dismiss me

…But that only justifies my verbal violence

The only reason my violence is verbal and not physical

Besides you talking computer bold, instead of face to face

Is due to my faith in the God to whom I pray

So this is the point you should be on your knees

For it’s because of Him you see another day

So don’t tell me not to talk about God

Showing yourself to be insecure and unsafe

For if I’m not force-feeding you about religion

Only one thing makes you want to silence talk of my faith

You want to bathe in your arrogance

Believing all you do and have is all thanks to you

Like your every breath, every accomplishment, and wish come true

Well, if there’s a Judgment Day, you’ll be shown the truth

So don’t tell me not to talk about matters

That are staring us all in the face

For your insensitivity and lack of compassion

Is making your every breath a disgrace

So when God a.k.a. Karma beats you down

Taking away a loved life, material wealth, or physical prowess

Though none of that will be wished upon you

I will not shed a single tear

For I will become a link in the chain of insensitivity that you birthed

So it finally becomes clear

That if you do not stop trying to silence my truths

You will have plenty of comeuppance to fear