Tuesday, May 31, 2011

Write That Down #35

Whenever I meet someone new, at some point, the conversation gets to my blog, and how my blog started with me formerly being in gay porn. That last revelation understandably opens a floodgate of questions. I answer every question without hesitation. However, there comes a point where the guy will ask a question, and he apologizes for asking it, or for staying on the subject. Sometimes his apology comes after asking as little a number as 2 questions. I always tell him that there's no need for him to apologize and I understand his curiosity.

Lately, I've been wondering why is it that no matter how many (or few) questions a guy asks me about the porn industry does he always feel the need to apologize. And I recently came to the conclusion that it may very well be my own fault.

You see, my mother has always told me that I have very expressive eyes.
 She said that if I don't like someone, that no matter how much smiling I may do, all they have to do is look in my eyes, and they'll know how the truth is...I actually LOATHE them.

So being me, I further broke it down by saying to her, “So while my smile says a nice warm, ‘Hello’, my eyes go cold saying, ‘Your b*tch a** is lucky that we’re not standing on the edge of the cliff, because I would damn sure push your a** off, and watch your blood splatter as you hit the rocks below.”

My Mom replied, “That’s EXACTLY what you do.”

With that in mind, I now see that these guys are seeing that same duality between my smile and my eyes. My mouth says, “Ask away! I don’t mind.”

But simultaneously, my eyes are saying, “Can we change the fuckin’ subject, PLEASE!”

And come to think of it, why wouldn’t I? After all, trying to right so many wrongs in the gay porn industry didn’t make my time in it the happiest time of my life. And when you initially meet someone, you want them to see and hear of you at your happiest.

Speaking of happiness, that explains why I light up like a Christmas tree when I talk about sex and sexuality. Because as I've said numerous times before, I love nature.

And sex is definitely natural, while porn is not. It's not even the display of nature that it once was. Another case of how the love of money ruins great things.

 All this can be summarized by my latest "Write That Down" quote:

How do I know the connection between the porn industry and sexuality has been lost?
When I talk about the porn industry, my mood goes DARK.
But when I talk about sexuality....I start fuckin' BEAMING, get a second wind, and if you're HOT, I'm ready to give you a personal and thorough demonstration of some of the knowledge I've amassed.

Saturday, May 28, 2011

Fleeing Out Of Clothes Fleet Week Weekend

We are in the midst of a 3-day weekend. And it makes perfect sense as to why wherever I hang out this weekend, I'll be hanging out in close to nothing.

I was already at the latest Milk Chocolate Party NYC last night, trying to be the usual party motivational fucker. I haven't attended one of their parties for awhile, so I alot of making up to. Well, I kind of did just that since I did played with 4 guys. Sucked 1, topped 2, and bottomed for 1.

I've had sex with the guy I bottomed for before. He's a Latino with a massively thick cock. so huge that the Kegels I am doing as I write this post are a MUST. But after the usual 2 tries, he got inside me and fucked the hell out of me in missionary position, and whenever he stopped moving, I grinded on his cock. It was such an intense fuck that I found myself getting a headache. And not from my head hitting anything either. I think it was because his wet and sweaty muscular body on top of me was just blowing my mind so. Not too long after, the party shut down, and I called it a night. And I needed to, because my ass needed a break since I knew I'd be coming back the next night.

Tonight, I'll be at the same space but being an actual volunteer for a different party. The guys who bring you Sperm Sundays at The Cock are hosting a party that night. Appropriately enough named, "DIRTY PARTY".

Good thing I'm well-rested from last night. Because even though I'll be on duty, one never knows what can happen at these things. You walk in saying, "I'm going to be a good boy tonight." The next thing you know, you are being a good boy. It just happens to be that all of your behavior shows that you are a good boy.... in the sack.

Tomorrow night, it should be no surprise that you'll find me enjoying my underwear fetish by donning a pair of skimpy skivvies, and looking at all the cute boys in their undies at Daniel Nardicio's CAMP BUCK Underwear Party at Rockbar. The "Camp" is referring to it being a Special Boy Scout Edition.

Pardon my drool.

You see, while I can go for a guy in uniform, what has me drooling is the thought of seeing how many guys could look better OUT of that uniform. Because with some guys, clothes are such a distraction from their sex appeal that less is more.

And as an added bonus to at midinght, there are plans for a secret performance by Peaches of "Fuck The Pain Away" fame.

With plans like these, there is no doubt that I will be fleeing out of my clothes this Fleet Week weekend. So in whatever state of dress you see me in this weekend, be sure to say "Hi"....

....Even if I'm in a position where all I can do is wink. ;-)

Sunday, May 22, 2011

Provoked Re-Iterations: NYC's Go-Go Dancing Scene

I was asked to enter the go-go dancing contest, Gogo Super Star (formerly known as Go-Go Idol). My most loyal readers may recall the fact that I was a contestant in Go-Go Idol's 1st inception back in 2008, and was voted off after 3 of the 5 weeks. I had issues with the go-go dancing scene back them, and about 3/4 of a year later, went into much greater detail about my issue with the racism in the NYC go-go dancing scene in  my post, "On Racist Blast: NYC's Go-Go Dancing Scene".

With possible interviews to consider, my blogging, poetry, and intended book-writing, my schedule doesn't exactly permit me time to commit to the possibility of making my next 5 consecutive Thursday nights available to partake in something like a go-go dancing contest. But I took this as an opportunity to do some investigative reporting to see if the lack of black go-go boys in the more popular parties was just a figment of my imagination, or was it really still very much at play as I stated in those past blog posts.

As I have with other posts addressing racism in the gay community, I emailed the link to "On Racist Blast: NYC's Go-Go Dancing Scene" to the editor of the NYC gay nightlife magazine, Next. But I got no response. It seems silence on the issue of racism is very much Next Magazine's forte. OR if they do address it, they do so in a fashion that makes the very culprits of the racism seem like their doing their best to combat it like they did with their article "White Cocks Only". I guess that's what happens when you're a free publication combining lacking journalistic integrity with being bought off by the culprits' advertising dollars.

In this case I hate to toot my own horn, but I knew I could easily slip into the mix of go-go boys because even at 40, I still have the looks, body, personality, and moves that can make me a phenomenal go-go boy. Those moves that I'm speaking of included me dropping to my knees, doing a total back-bend, and coming up to standing position by doing a half-split. Moves that if practically all of those judges tried doing, they would need to have their cell phones in their hands with their chiropractors on speed-dial. Because once they get 67.5 degrees into that back-bend (me being generous with the thought they'd get that far), they are going to be screaming for that chiropractor. So you can forget about them getting up with the half-split.

The gay American TV channel, LOGO was filming the event for the reality show, "The A-List: New York" as one of the show's stars, T.J. Kelly was one of the judges. I allowed him to play to the camera as most reality-tv shows actors now do. Hence the lack of it being "reality"-television, because they are acting. He called my shoes and socks offensive, which as a friend pointed out when I told him of the incident said that unless my shoes were made out of baby skin or something like that finding them offensive made no sense. And in calming my friend's annoyance, I reminded him of one little tidbit...look at the source. So don't fret about it.

T.J. also criticized my dance moves as being very porn related, or something along those lines. That could be insulting to me if my self-esteem was weak enough to rely on the likes of him. And for that reason, some past and present porn actors may be insulted considering how:
1) I am a former porn actor;
2)Most porn actors that he's probably seen are White, who just hop around like bunnies and can't really dance to save their lives; and
3)Many porn actors male and female, gay and straight start out as go-go dancers. In fact, some of the contestants from past years of that very contest also did gay porn.

Such nonsense ramblings only further my point of T.J. Kelly playing to the cameras.

Now, I could have played along by playing to the cameras and being a just a much a pretentious bitch as I threw all these facts in his face. But instead, someone had to handle themselves like an man in this situation, and show some decorum. So I let that someone be me...for the moment.

At the end of the contest, it came down to me and a straight Latino go-go boy with the same number of votes. We were about to have a dance-off. T.J. Kelly originally gave a vote of "No Go" because he considered that contestant "gay-for-pay". Since go-go boys being straight is not as big a concern to me as gay porn actors claiming to be "straight", I felt making that a choice to eliminate the dancer was T.J. once again playing to the camera. In whatever the dancer said in return however, during this point T.J. reconsidered his vote.

T.J. then proceeds to look over at me and tell me that I have a "beautiful face". Then he pauses. During that long pause, I started moving my hand to signify "hurry up". T.J. gave me a blank look that said either "what is that for?" or "How dare you?"

Now since he seemed so bewildered as to what I was trying to say, plus I've amassed all the information that I needed about everything and everyone, my brain decided to stop being "Mr. Congeniality", and verbalize by saying, "SPIT IT OUT! Hurry it up! We ain't got all night!"

I decided since he wanted to play to the cameras at my expense, then I'm going to play to them AND the crowd at his.

And on that note, T.J. went back to criticizing my shoes and socks. Which I'm sure would have been the case, even if I stood there and said nothing. 

Let it be known, that while I am in no way saying that this particular go-go boy has internalized any homophobia by him saying he's straight but dancing in gay bars/clubs, there are some who do. And the reason they do is because just as I said in my reply to the Next Magazine article "White Cocks Only", of how it's more profitable for light-complexioned ethnicities to internalize their homophobia in the porn industry, the same can be said for the go-go dancing scene as well. This night proved that in spades.

Because I after the moves I mentioned doing earlier, plus following their instructions while performing of showing more skin by exposing my ass and, while they all said that I had good energy, some of the judges still had the nerve to ask me to "bring it". What the fuck more do they want from me after that drop, back-bend, and half-split?! A handstand?! A cartwheel?! A back-flip?!

Believe me, for the aforementioned reason of my schedule, I am not taking this contest that seriously. I entered this contest and am addressing this situation with the energy and from the viewpoint of a Black go-go boy in a mostly White venue without my busy schedule. And in the end, I found myself being passed over for a straight guy who didn't do as much on that stage in a contest. So while Blacks are so often accused of homophobia, the sight of situations like this makes a proud gay Black man wonder, "Why bother?"

Now, we get to the person who I was trying to give the benefit of the doubt to in entering this contest. You see, because people know that I address the issue of racism in gay nightlife, a couple of allegations of racism have been brought to my attention about Brandon Voss and Tony Fornabaio, the 2 fully-clothed in the adjacent photo. Allegations such as the lack of Black go-go boys at their parties, as well as a group of Asians being denied entry into their parties.

Tony Fornabaio is one of the judges for Gogo Super Star. One possible sign of bias on his part was the fact that while he did give a "No" to some of the other contestants who also have NOT been in his employ, he gave detailed reasons as to what they did wrong in his eye, and how to better themselves. I was not given such helpful advice. His decided to "echo" (his word) T.J. Kelly, and give me a "No Go". Considering T.J.'s reasoning, is that what a real professional would do? I think not.

After posting the link to "On Racist Blast: NYC's Go-Go Dancing Scene" on Facebook the next day, and tagging him in my intro to the link, his reply to my intro was, "Sorry you feel that way. It's not that deep just a gogo contest at the monster and I didn't agree on the other 2 white and latin dancers."

Now, anyone with sense knows that's a generic excuse one uses to cover their ass. And of course he didn't feel obligated to advance those others he gave a "No Go" to. They've never worked for him like some of the others that he voted for. Which may very well explain in a city FULL of go-go boys and great diversity why there was only 6 of us there with so little diversity among us 6.

Another thing that raised suspicion about the small number is the fact of how the contest starts early enough that go-go boys working on a Thursday night in Manhattan can get to their gig at a decent time after the contest. With that in mind, ask yourself this question:

If you were a go-go boy who was Black, Asian, or not of a light-complexion, would you enter a contest knowing that one of the judges is a party promoter who has ONLY White and light-complexioned Latino go-go boys in his dancer roster?

I didn't think you would. Hence the small turnout of dancing contestants. It's because between that and the above picture that introduces him into this post, the writing is on the wall.

So what was missing during my first post, and what I must sadly report is STILL missing in the go-go dancing scene is the lack of racism in the party promoters and the crowd that their ugly vibe of racism brings into the venues.

This is not me being a sore loser. Because like I said earlier, my present schedule doesn't really permit me dedicating myself to something as mundane as that contest.. But for the sake of this report, I was willing to reschedule things in order to take this as far as I could, so I could get some positive results. Instead of the negative results from this little contest that show us signs of a BIG problem in the gay community ----RACISM.

Friday, May 20, 2011

OUR Thrusts (Right and Tight) - written

I don’t care at all
Just hit all the right places
As you thrust with the right paces
Be you thick
Or thin
Drive through my tunnel and get in
With walls warming you with their heat
When you have a rhythmic ride so sweet

Race forms your expectations
Of cock size and passion of a screw
You’d better hurry and get a clue
The worker damn sure gets you off
But theories of a ride with long
Makes some style just all wrong
Get a mind of your own
And not buy porn-induced fallacies
Like how bigger is better
You might be surprised by what can please

Trust me, my hold is right
It’s a sweet warm caress of flesh
That’ll give you tremors you’ll rate as “best”
So gapin’
Or grippin’
No choice of the hole you’ll slip in
It is because I am the latter
That I don’t need you longer or fatter
For I’ve never abused myself
Filling it with all but a kitchen sink
No fists or weird objects
Putting permanent inner-widening on the brink

Some big guys don’t bang it like they should
Believing porn’s lies of how just dip in and all is good
I am better off laying alone in my bed
Hands and imagination, simply pleasuring myself instead
I understand the big dick fascination
But making it a requirement is self-damnation
For some are beyond the perception of small
Giving pleasure heard through the thickest walls

So why dip in a canyon
When you can dip in a vice?
For isn’t being flesh to flesh
What makes it so nice?
There’s no matter about your size
As long as my hold is not light
So give it to me, big or small
For it’s good if OUR thrusts are right and tight

Copyright 2011 LeNair Xavier

If the backstory of this poem is of interest to you, be mindful that the blog post that it is posted in is NSFW:

Tuesday, May 17, 2011

OUR Thrusts (Right and Tight)

As I said in my previous post "Working On CHALLENGER", while size-queens may not be as important an issue to the community as racism, sexism, and ageism (the other topics to be addressed in the series), it is still a problem. I feel this way because when looked at more closely, the fact that being a size-queen where men are looked upon as lacking in manhood for a naturally smaller penis is almost as bad as being a racist, sexist, or ageist. For you are ostracizing someone and making them feel less human and less relevant over something that is beyond their control.

In the previous paragraph, I italicized the word "naturally". I did that to highlight the reality that some men have smaller penises by way of their own actions as opposed to naturally, such as by taking steroids. In such a case, the size of their penis IS within that male's control. Therefore, any ridicule that man ensues is self-inflicted.

One matter that had to be addressed in talking about size-queens is the misconception about ethnicity being a deciding factor in the quality of the sex by way of cock size and passion. When I thought I was done writing the poem, but still feeling that it was missing something...THIS was the something that was missing. Once addressed, THEN the poem became complete.

In my post, "Reply To 'White Cocks Only'", I argued against Michael Lucas' racist claims of Blacks being more homophobic by pointing out the fact of how it is not as profitable for Blacks to internalize their homophobia the way it is profitable for Whites who are allowed to internalize their homophobia by calling themselves "gay-for-pay" and be hired by the 2-faced likes of Michael Lucas and other "mainstream" porn studios. Well just as I made a way more that plausible argument there, I can do the same about the lack of Asians in "mainstream" gay porn.

Many have claimed that the lack of Asians in American gay porn is because of the teachings of Asian culture. I have always disagreed with this to a point, and have always found those who believe it to be the sole reason to be totally gullible. Because while there are obvious issues displayed in Asian culture by Asian porn pixelating male genitalia, there are still Asian men taking part in porn movies. Just not Caucasian-made porn movies. If one stops taking the easy route of putting the total blame on Asian culture, one might realize that it may very well also be because Asian men see the writing on the wall of the size-queen mindset of too many porn directors, which make them hesitant to apply to Caucasian gay porn companies. Because the same way Black males are exiled to ethnic porn because of their skin color, a less than brawny physique, and/or hair cut/style indicative of their African descent, Asian males know that unless they have a penis that is above the average size supposed for an Asian male, that they too will be automatically exiled to only 2 choices while Whites have many. 

It is this size-queen mindset that has made Asians like Brandon Lee in gay porn and Keni Styles in straight porn able to perform in more "aggressive" roles in the porn industry. While a lesser endowed Asian gets little to no respect for his sexual prowess worthy of praise. 

This leaves 2 choices for the Asian perceived as "common". And both entail being exiled. Exiled to a) bottom for Caucasian-owned gay porn companies when they are actually tops (and some damn good ones), or; b) do their own ethnic porn.

And choice (b) is exactly what most Asians wanting to do porn are doing. Which puts a wrinkle in the idea that Asians won't do porn totally because of their culture. Because if such was the case, that video included in my post "Asian Sensations Helped Make ME" wouldn't exist. A video that I would imitate in a brief porn comeback intended to blow narrow-minded so-called minds. Undoing all porn-induced racial perceptions by imitating every move....with my Black ass getting pounded and contorted into every position by a HOT Asian top.

Let me re-iterate that my praise of Asian men comes from experience. Because every Asian man I've ever had sex with gave me actual pleasure, instead of making me have to fake it the way I did with my past scene partners Double R and Kamar Tyson, who both had a few inches in length and width on those Asian men. Which just goes to show that when you have a nice tight asshole like mine (inside, as well as outside), you are a much better judge as to whether or not bigger is better.

And let me testify,...IT'S NOT a guarantee at all.

This leads to the other issue addressed in the poem of fisting and the insertion of large inanimate objects (like bats and oversized dildoes), and calling it "sexual fun".

(Anyone in the psychiatric field, please correct me if I am wrong in this summation I am about to make.)

I believe anyone who practices any of these things are victims of verbal and/or physical abuse who have sexualized their abuse as a way to cope. And various forms of abuse are common to out gays. This explains why I am so much against these sexual practices. I feel this way because I don't want people to use body-damaging practices in their sexual expression. And if you don't think it's body-damaging, take note of this fact:

I took this picture of my asshole entering myself into a contest for "Prettiest Pucker" (that I didn't win, but obviously should have). Coincidentally, I bottomed for someone quite well-endowed less than 24 hours prior to taking this picture.
And FYI,...I did not tighten my hole for this shot.

Now, I'm sure the bottoms in these following pics couldn't say the same about their asshole looking as tight in less than 24 hours, which is a shame.
Because being able to see this much human inner-flesh of the rectum is NOT the sign of a healthy sexual practice.

In the beginning of this intro, I mentioned guys naturally having a certain cock-size, and how males can undo that. Well, the same holds true for size-queens. By being a single person requiring your various sex partners to have a big dick, and/or practicing fisting or anal play with large objects, you are undoing your possibility of bottoming for a man of just any size.

If you think this isn't a problem, consider this:
What if the man who treats you more respectably than any other just happens to have an average size penis? Then what?

Are you going to let the size-queen rule, or common sense?

While you think about that, take note of all these ideas being summarize in the 1st poem of my CHALLENGER series, 
"OUR Thrusts (Right and Tight)"

Friday, May 13, 2011

Plea For AIDS Walk NY 2011

I would GREATLY appreciate your 
Please click the pic to DONATE.

And if you see me, say "HI".

Thank you whole-heartedly

Saturday, May 7, 2011

Write That Down 33 & 34

One thing this blog has become notorious for is for me telling of my sexual escapades. What might surprise some is the fact that I hold sex in very high regard with an extreme respect for its intentions. Of course, as a predominately gay bisexual, that intention is not about pro-creating as some religions want to say is the sole purpose of sex. The part of sex's intention that I'm speaking of is about how it is meant to be an intense moment of upping the ante on your connection to someone. My personal sexually liberated nature just happens to allow that upping the ante on a connection that is fleeting, as well as life long.

Normally, when I see a person I've had sex with at an outing after the fact, I feel like every one in the room watching us, even for a second can tell that we have had sex. We've had that moment of intensely connecting to each other. During that outing afterwards, we don't have to kiss. We don't have to hug. The connection is just in the energy of our interaction.

There have been some sex partners however, who I will see afterwards at an outing, and I will get from them no kind of energy that says that we had sex. I know I give it off, but they aren't giving it in return. Now, I'm not looking for them to date me, fall in love with me, or make plans to fight for gay marriage. But I feel that in that moment of connection, since you gave away something that should be held to some degree sacred (your body), even after the fact, that moment of connection should be respected and acknowledged in your energy. If you don't, then it is signs of a problem within you.

That's why my 1st "Write That Down" quote for this post reads:

For me, even in a romp at a sex party or one night stand, SEX is a connection of souls. So it takes one with issues to so easily blow off the fact that you had that moment of connection.

I'm sure that my feeling this way about sex is why I've voiced such disdain for the way the porn industry is presently being operated, and eventually led my need to exit it. Especially with the industry's present routine of putting escorts in front of the camera, instead of studios concerning themselves with whether or not the people are really attracted to each other. The porn industry's present disregard for that part of sex's intentions is what eventually made it beneath me.

In regard to escorts, it is the very purpose of sex that I mentioned that leads me to believe is the reason why escorts for the very most part don't have lasting relationships. That's why my other "Write That Down" quote reads:

Escorts most often don't have lasting relationships because their work requires them going to a dead place within. And repeatedly going to this dead place makes their boyfriend/girlfriend subconsciously question how often are they going to that dead place with them.

Living in denial of this question is what prolongs the relationship, but it's only natural that such a question would exist. Then surface. Then rightfully causes distrust. Then understandably make the relationship fail.

I'm sure how I value sex may be quite surprising to some. But I felt it was about time to make people aware as to what values I have that make me take some of the various stands that I have taken over time. For I know sometimes comparing the things I do with what I say can come off as contradictory. These quotes make it obvious that they are not.

Monday, May 2, 2011

LeNair Xavier: CHALLENGER - Promo

My recent post, "Working On CHALLENGER" laid the groundwork as to what the poems in my next poetry series are to be about. 

A recent post at The Sword mentioning "Working On CHALLENGER" seemed harmless. Maybe it was to applaud me. Maybe it was to mock me. But the comments from The Sword's readers however...makes it clear as to why these issues intended for my poetry series need to be addressed.

Now you would think I would be angry or hurt by the comments at The Sword. But the truth is I didn't experience either emotion. And I would be a fool if I did. Because after all, with the reputation that it now has, one must take into account of how this is The Sword that we are talking about. The only reason I'm giving it this much attention is because it's a perfectly timed example as to why these issues need to be brought to the forefront in my poetry series.

Case in point: One comment at The Sword tried to accuse me of being "pretentious" for my intentions with this series. Really?!

What is pretentious about wanting to see a community you are a part of better itself? Especially, when it is more than a little obvious that something is wrong with it?

Not a damn thing! Because it's called "caring for you and your fellow man alike". Because we do not live in this world alone.

So to find me pretentious, those readers at The Sword are showing themselves to be people who live their lives escaping the problems in the world around them. Which usually means that common escapism tools like drugs and/or alcohol come into the picture often. And they try to make themselves feel big by damning any and every body who takes a stand to make the world around them better. Because they are actually envious of you, since they are doing nothing but being part of the problem, and nowhere near the solution. And since they're making themselves nowhere near the solution, I probably share their parents sentiments about their behavior. That being how I'm not angry, nor hurt...Instead I am disappointed. But since I'm not their parents, my disappointment isn't crippling me.

In fact,....it just fueled my fire. Thanks, guys!

This poetry series is not directed at The Sword. It is directed at the ENTIRE American LGBT community. The behavior of the readers of The Sword was just a sign of what is making the American LGBT community its own worst enemy.

So whenever or wherever I present these poems, I hope you'll be there. And if you can't be there, watch the videos when I put them online.

Thanks for your continued support.

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