The Expected Porn Return Fail, Courtesy of Treasure Island

Back in May, Treasure Island Media tweeted a request for models. I clicked on the link and applied. With all that I have said about the gay porn industry, I'm sure you're wondering why I would do such a thing. Did my desperation for validation return with such a vengeance that I chose to put myself through all that I've said bad about the gay porn industry all over again? Am I that pressed for cash? Or is it a combination of both?

The answer to all of those possibilities is actually a loud and echoing NOOOOOO!!!

I did it partly because due to my firsthand experience in the porn industry, I was feeling I wouldn't be able to further justify my annoyance without trying to get back in it again for a brief moment. Even though standing on the outside looking in as I have been since I announced my retirement in 2009, I see many signs to let me know I made the right decision. But still, I wanted some firsthand confirmation. So as long as I still have a good look, I thought why not go for it. Besides, after all that I have said about the industry and them, the worst they could do is say "No".

Well actually, I filled  out the application on a Friday afternoon (May 11th), and got an email the following Monday morning (May 14th) a little before 9:30 asking me to come in to make an audition video on May 25th. I responded that I was okay with this, and all I needed in response was an exact place and time. A number of days passed with no response. Then after asking again on May 22nd, I finally got a response saying:

Hey LeNair, 

First off let me apologize for the delay in getting back to you. I was out of the office for the better part of last week. 

I reviewed your application with Max Sohl. 

Based on your past interactions together, he has decided decline your application. 

I am sorry for any inconvenience and wish you the best of luck going forward.

With that response, instead of me asking you to read through an entire old blog post to let you know the exactness of that past interaction with Treasure Island Media director, Max Sohl, here are the 1st and 2nd paragraphs of the blog post "Seeking The Silver In The TIM Dim Cloud" that explains it exactly:

"At the end of February, I was attempting to make a brief return to porn. The studio was Treasure Island Media where in one email  to describe the shoot said they were "treating it like a paid audition" with a group of 5 or 6 guys who were all versatile and ready, willing and able to flip-fuck --- and it was a total bust. I can't speak for the others, but for me, I could not perform with someone's body odor reeking in the room. Especially when we were instructed to wear deodorant. As far as I knew, this was not supposed to be a bear shoot where stench is looked upon as a badge of honor. Yet instead of the director telling the person with the body odor to either 'hit the showers, or hit the road', we all had to try to endure that stench, which intensified as the heat in a hotel room rose because of NO AIR CONDITIONING.

This is why if I make an official return to porn, I'm sticking to my rule of knowing my scene partner beforehand, because I let that rule slide once since making it, and look what happens! Had I known this guy would be there I would have probably bailed on the idea of working with him, because I've worked with that guy before at a live appearance, and seen him at parties, and body odor was something I experienced EVERYTIME while being near him..."

So with this incident as my and Max Sohl's past interaction, what is the other reason as to why I took a chance and applied to Treasure Island Media?

It's because, first of all, time has passed. Me and Max Sohl both have had 8 1/4 years to look back on that incident, and ask ourselves if our position during that incident should have been different. Now, over my years of blogging, I have owned up to a good number of my missteps in judgement. However, for the reasons I stated in that old blog post, I had no reason to change. In fact, me changing from that position would be me lowering my standards, and going back to being the stereotypical prey of the sex industry. That prey being the disenfranchised, marginalized, broken, unloved, and self-loathing because of being the aforementioned. All of which are easily manipulated by all parts of the sex industry. From prostitution, to porn, and even sex retail. And me allowing that would be me undoing  all the maturing I have done to give me this much more sense.

This brings me to Max Sohl. He is entitled to not changing or growing. However, it shows an ongoing failure in his character. One that is too common among most porn directors and other heads in the sex industry overall. Making them the predators that they too often are. Thereby justifying the negative stigma about them.

I can't say verbatim, but I can come very close to verbatim as to how on the model application, as I said in the beginning of this post, I made it very clear that I said disparaging things about the porn industry and their company in the past. I also said to them that me accepting an offer from them would be a step in undoing some of the negatives that I have said about the industry and them, and I would be willing to publicly state that.

These statements were clear as day in the comment section of my model application. With that being the case,...

Why was I even offered an audition before my application reached the eyes of Max Sohl? It's because of a very common unorganized sequence I have found in the porn industry. So if I wanted that firsthand confirmation of the gay porn industry still being fucked up, I guess I got it proven with that move from them.

Perhaps Treasure Island Media had that much trust in this casting director, Kyle's judgement. Even so, if you read something from a model application where the applicant admits to saying bad things about the company, common sense should tell you to not give a "yay" or "nay" to the applicant about anything in the casting process until after you have spoken to a higher positioned person. Namely, the higher positioned person those disparaging statements are about. That common sense move was not done here. So my time and professionalism in getting the schedule right was wasted.

If so much as an audition video had happened, I know me returning in front of any studio's camera would raise some eyebrows to those who remember me as "Tre Xavier". It would have been a move that my fans and followers now, which may actually include anti-porn activists, would want to know why.

Even though it's rare, there are times in the porn industry that a big fallout between porn actor and porn company happen, and a reconciliation happens later on down the line. So why wasn't the situation between Treasure Island Media's Max Sohl and myself one of those cases?

Could it be because being that I wasn't what he sees as a "draw"?

After all, if you look at Treasure Island Media's record of black models, it's no different than most white-owned predominately white/light casting porn studios. Having more than 90% of the black males they use playing what I've long referred to as a "gorilla nigger" top to some white and light-complexioned person of color. Fetishizing low self-esteem having black males for a profit. And all that I have stated about the industry, my goal to be a versatile Black man still celebrating bottoming with any color, and my own sexual performance shows that even if I topped for any studio's camera, I would not play that gorilla nigger role. For such a role is a downgrade of me (and anyone who plays it) as a man, and makes one's presence a disrespect to sex overall. Lastly, even with their name in the title and photo on the DVD cover, bottoms in porn are treated as lesser beings primed for abuse. This is especially true of Treasure Island Media, which since this incident I realize is adding substance abuse to their list of abuses. So part of my applying was to give them a more respectable display of bottoms.

In addition to my not playing that negative racist role, the fact that I as an adult entertainer have enough self-esteem to lay down such laws for myself very likely also makes them (and most other porn companies) unwilling to deal with me. Especially when they are white and the knowledge and strength of that potential model is wrapped in medium to dark brown skin, like mine. For it shows that I'm not the sex industry's usual target when a predator is in charge. You see, while I may be part of a group that is disenfranchised and marginalized, I do not present myself as being hurt or broken by it. And that makes the stereotypical predatory head of a sex industry business very uneasy.

I had hoped to see that Max Sohl had grown up, and taken ownership of his fuck-ups in that old situation. As we can see, such is not the case. And it is most likely because porn actors low enough on self-esteem keep coming back. Enduring whatever unpleasant and unhealthy conditions he throws them in, instead of challenging him to do better by them.

Some of you are probably thinking that my calling out guys in the porn industry out like this is why less and less porn companies wanted to work with me, and would not consider taking me in today fi I tried harder for a return to the industry. Well years ago, Chris Steele of Jet Set Men tried saying the same thing to me about not working with me because of all I've said about Tyson Cane's antics on porn sets. And in response, I told Chris' dumb ass the same thing I'm telling yours...

What I've put folks on blast for in the porn industry are acts of ignorance. If you have enough faith in your character, then you know that you would never do the dumb shit I put someone on blast for. Therefore, you would have nothing to be worried about in working with me. So such a statement says more about your lack of integrity and faith in your own humanity than it does about my work ethic and sense of self-worth.

Proof of that statement being true is Ben Marksman, the director of one of my last movies "All Out Assault". After initially meeting at The Gay Erotic Expo of 2007, I gave him this blog's address citing certain posts to tell him what I had experienced in the industry by that point, and what those instances made me come to decide to work with and not work with. So he became fully aware of all I've said about the many directors by name while we were in talks about working together. And he still hired me. Why? Because he had enough faith in his own integrity and character to know that he would never do those things. And that humanity is why he is the only person I met while in the gay porn industry that I am still friends with today.

So you see, I am aware that there are some, but too few decent people in the porn industry.

In closing, if I seem angered by all of this, know that "anger" is not the right word. The correct word is disappointed. Disappointed in the fact that I was once again right about an ill within the adult entertainment industry. You see, as much as most people (including myself) normally want to be right, this is a situation that I would like to for once publicly admit to being wrong. But this outcome shows that day is not today.

Enjoy Blacks Bottoming, Or Be Denied This Black Topping

Recently, after a long while, I attended the Monday night Milk Chocolate NYC party at Rainbow Playground in Queens. There weren't a lot of guys there at the moment, and most were not cute.

However, there was one guy sitting in a chair that I noticed as I traipsed through the video lounge, but I didn't set my full eyes on him. While I could feel his eyes on me, I never returned the look. Because from what my peripheral vision caught, he had a nice body, but I thought the hair on his body was a bit erratically patterned for my taste. As if he shaved it weird.

A little while later, while wandering around, I came to the open dark play area. I could see from the silhouette that that guy I noticed before was there. Getting suck off by someone. None of the other guys there caught my interest, so I spent most of my time dodging their reach for me. Then he reached for me. I wanted to let him touch me, as my eyes focused and my ability to see in the dark made his silhouette become a man with a face in that dim light. Leading me to discover that what my peripheral vision thought was hair on his body earlier was not hair at all. They were tattoos.

I still didn't let him touch me at that moment however. Simply because I didn't want to include the guy sucking him off, or any of the other guys trying to touch him, or me. So yes, I denied myself this hot tattooed guy because I didn't want to be rude to anyone else. Because while it is highly accepted in sex party/backroom behavior, it's actually quite rude to feel so entitled to knowingly take a guy away from someone(s), and allow the perceived beauty bestowed on you by your color, ethnicity, body type, etc. to give you the fuck-faced audacity to do so.

Well, Karma must have smiled on me for taking that stand. Because I did get him later. When I moved away, he shortly after stopped the guys touching him, then came to me. We then started making out. The guys who wouldn't take "no" for an answer stuck around. Putting their hands in the way to feel his cock while I was soon going down on him. When my cocksucking got too good for him, he pulled me up, and kissed me some more. Feeling my ass making it very clear that he wanted to get inside me. I walked backwards leading him to the large sofa in that area. I reached in my thigh pack for my supplies. Lubed up my ass, and let him in.

Once those around us saw that his raw Italian cock was going to go inside me, and not the other way around, the crowd thinned out. At the most, I would see one person playing voyeur. And it was always changing as to who it was. They seemed to get tired of watching a white guy top a black guy, see it wouldn't change any time soon, so they would move on. Then another would take their place and do the same. Which was fine by me. Because even in that wide open space where anybody could come by and try to participate, our hot sex was so unseemly to them that it left us to fuck like we were alone in a large hotel room. Able to change positions, and moan and groan without disturbing a soul. Sad to say at a sex party, but it's me looking how every dark cloud has a silver lining. And our being able to be so intimate with this primal fuck was that silver lining. Especially this one move he did with me on my stomach.

He would pulled up with just the tip of his cock inside me. He would then hold that pose for a few seconds. Leaving me to wonder if and when he was coming down. Then BANG! He plows down hard into my ass! I felt the jiggle of my ass cheeks each time he did that.

We later ran into each other again in the video lounge. He invited me to sit next to him, and we started making out immediately.  During our making out, one thing that became evident about his body that he wanted to show me was how he pre-came a lot. Letting his dick lean on my thigh, so he could pick up his dick, and let me see a string of pre-cum connecting us. So this explains how when our making out soon led to me getting on my knees and leaning on the back of the sofa to bottom for him again, without much lube, my hole let him in. His lube was spit and pre-cum, and my hole was more so relaxed because it was him.

Again, the same thing happened. Guys would watch us for a second, and realize a white guy was topping a black guy, then they would move on. We stopped after a bit. Neither one of us had come yet. We slouched on the sofa fondling each other. Somehow, the topic of porn came up, and after I revealed my porn past, he revealed the same about himself. He said he had did a movie for Treasure Island Media a few years ago. I was not surprised. Knowing me, it might have been me to bring up the subject of porn, then tell of my past in it to get him to explain his tattoo of Treasure Island Media's signature logo of a skull and crossed-swords.

The movie he was in was titled "In The Flesh". In that movie, he went by the name "Angelo". He said he never fucked in the scene as a top or bottom, and that he was in a bathroom giving oral. While he did give a great blowjob, what my ass just endured twice (at that point) from his dick made me feel honored to been able to feel his talent as a top without the rest of the porn-viewing public being able to guess how great he is.

Way before this however, back when we were making out, I was considering topping him. So after making out for a bit in the afterglow of this fuck, I eventually asked him if I could top him. He was quick to state him being ok with it. He then asked me if I wanted to do it there in the video lounge on that sofa, or go into a booth. I chose to take him to a booth.

I took him to the largest and best lit booth. I took him there because I'm tired of seeing sex party patrons influenced by the aforementioned racist roles in porn. With whites only wanting to play voyeur to interracial sex if it's with a black guy being a gorilla nigger top. And if I name companies, it' unfortunate how one name included among them would be the very one Angelo worked for, Treasure Island Media. The sight of a black bottom with a white top for them and practically every other porn company is too rare a sight.

So my way to undo what we've been taught was by leaving them with the memory of us sucking each other, and fucking ....with him as a top going at me hard and deep. Even if they didn't stick around long to watch like I mentioned before, the mere sight of it for just a few seconds plants the seed in the mind of how a black guy as a bottom to a white man is possible, and can be just as beautiful as interracial sex with a black guy as a top, if not more so. So I took away the beauty of what we were going to do, as a means to more so undo what porn had trained them to accept.

He loved my cock just as much as I loved his. I won't go into details about my topping him, but anyone outside the door of that booth got quite an auditory show. It was enough that when we stopped, someone tried to come in, but undoing the hook-lock. They never entered enough for us to see them. So I leaned a little forward to kick it shut, then got up to put the lock back on.

We again laid there basking in the after-glow of sex with a formula that was quickly becoming our thing: Fuck a bit, savor it, fondle each other, then fuck again. And the last component of that is exactly what happened.

Once I felt the urge in him I laid on my back and raised my legs. I dabbed my hole with lube because I wanted his pre-cum to play a strong component to being my lube. So he aimed his wet, raw cock at my hole, and went in. And once he felt the resurrected tightness of my hole around his dick again, he pounded me mercilessly. I think what make sex with us catch guys' attention was how regardless of who was topping, neither one of us was silent. Our fucking was a constant overlapping of moans saying "God, I love your ass!" with "God, I love your cock!", or "Gimme that dick!" with "Oh, fuck yessss!"

Then it finally happened. He came. He shot his load in me, thrusting so hard into me with his orgasm that if I was a woman, no doubt his sperm would have met at least one eggs, if not several. Hence the term for a guy cumming in a bottom's ass during bareback sex, "BRED".

And before I conclude, let me address those still waging a bareback vs. condom sex war, and their claim of the shame I should feel for having bareback sex by way of this tweet:

#Bareback #sex... #Condom sex... I'm not proud that I do both. Nor am I ashamed. I'm just glad that while #stigma isn't gone, there is less.

— LeNair Xavier (@LeNairXavier) October 1, 2016

Moving on,...We again laid there basking in the afterglow. This time, we were exhausted, and rightfully so. My hole drained his balls of jizz that had been building for who knows how long, while his intense topping made my feet have to re-learn how they felt to be against a floor.

Soon after, I called it a night. Basking in not only the sex, but the stand I took against being considered worth watching only if I'm a top by denying sex party patrons the sight of it when I did top. And until I see our community change their view on a black guy being a bottom, if I can, I think I will continue to make that my m.o. The same way I'm still going commando after advising all black men to do in "Black Guys Wear Underwear, Too". Proof that I do practice what I preach.

It's easy for me to take that stand because my being watched while fucking at a sex party/backroom is not a necessity. Nor is it a desire. It is just simply a part of the sex party/backroom scene that I accept, but I am more than willing to avoid it if the opportunity presents itself. Especially when it's to fight stifling imagery drilled into our heads.

And due to the roles we've been told we must play based on color/ethnicity, that might be a necessary move to make so that guys can learn to expect versatility from all colors and ethnicities. Thereby see that we blacks can play all positions in sex just like white boys. So until then, I'll strive more to let them see live what they see too little of in porn....

A black man ready, willing, able, and hungry to ride the entire skin  rainbow of ass and cock.

Seeking The Silver In The TIM Dim Cloud

At the end of February, I was attempting to make a brief return to porn. The studio was Treasure Island Media where in one email  to describe the shoot said they were "treating it like a paid audition" with a group of 5 or 6 guys who were all versatile and ready, willing and able to flip-fuck - and it was a total bust. I can't speak for the others, but for me, I could not perform with someone's body odor reeking in the room. Especially when we were instructed to wear deodorant. As far as I knew, this was not supposed to be a bear shoot where stench is looked upon as a badge of honor. Yet instead of the director telling the person with the body odor to either "hit the showers, or hit the road", we all had to try to endure that stench, which intensified as the heat in a hotel room rose because of NO AIR CONDITIONING.

This is why if I make an official return to porn, I'm sticking to my rule of knowing my scene partner beforehand, because I let that rule slide once since making it, and look what happens! Had I known this guy would be there I would have probably bailed on the idea of working with him, because I've worked with that guy before at a live appearance, and seen him at parties, and body odor was something I experienced EVERYTIME while being near him. I would go into greater detail about this, but that's not the main idea of this post. That was the bad part of the backstory that I thought would lead to the good part of that day.

The good that I thought came of it was when me and one of the other guys on the set,  Aandré hit it off - from the moment we saw each other. As soon as he saw me, he started making out with me, and I wasn't going to complain, because I felt the magnetism as well.

Being the shy guy that I am, before the attempt at shooting began, we were exchanging glances, and once the shooting began, we were not only the 1st to fuck, but the 1st to flip-fuck. However, as I mentioned before, the smelly guy's body odor was killing my hard-on. Once the director ended the shoot, Aandré invited me back to his place to pick up where we left off on the set.

We did pick up where we left off. That night, the sex was HOT AS FUCK. But we didn't get to the sex right away that night. We talked - alot, and this became our way everyday that week. We grew so close, so fast that I wound up living there for practically a whole week. This led me to feel that this was the silver lining in the dark cloud that was the Treasure Island shoot.

In those talks, he revealed to me that he was an escort, and has been for some time. He also revealed that he didn't want to do it much more if he was to be with me, and I was open to trying a relationship, be it monogamous or open. I must admit to having more misgivngs about dating an escort than I would a porn actor. It's because as I've stated repeatedly about the difference between the 2 sex occupations. Porn actors are supposed to have an attraction to their scene partners, while escorts don't have to, which actually makes it that much more of a mental strain on them. This furthers their need to be detached, which is unhealthy for the mind and body. Now for an entire week and a half, Aandré made it clear he wanted to be attached to me instead. So much so that he didn't even want to see any of my movie scenes, and I was willing to be with him while he continued escorting.

What happened in that week and a half?
Aandré had a call with a client. The moment that happened Aandré's upbeat mood did a complete 180 degree change, with all desires for his future that he conveyed to me dying in that moment, and yet to be resurrected. So in short, me and Aandré only lasted 10 days. An intense 10 days, but only 10 days nonetheless. 10 days that made me feel that the dark cloud that was the Treasure Island shoot broke the rule of how "every dark cloud has a silver lining". For this cloud now seemed to have none.

You would think this would make me heartbroken, but the truth is I'm more disappointed. And above all disgusted by his presence for wasting my time. For while I try to look at every one as an individual, between my failed hook-up with Jason White and now a failed romance with Aandré, I'm starting to re-think looking at escorts as individuals, and say that they are all cut from the same cloth - the dirty cloth of empty emotions.

That cloth I speak of is that of how there is something in an escort's life that they are not dealing with - an emotional wall that they refuse (and in some cases, are too cowardly) to take down. The misfortune is when they bring this mindset into a relationship, platonic or romantic. They're emotionally detached people who can only appear to thrive when they are amongst others who also live a life of detaching themselves. All other people are kept at a distance, and anyone in the mental health field will tell you, this is a self-destructive life.

To explain to me one of the reasons he escorts, Aandré once said, "It allows me to treat people like shit, because I can't treat you like shit."

I'm not being sarcastic in saying this, but I would hope that a good psychiatrist would ask him the same question I was too shocked to ask him at the time in response to that statement. That question being----What in your life (namely your past) would make you purposely take a job that makes you treat people like shit?

Therefore, while André said to me that he's not boyfriend material because of his escorting, I'm realizing NO ESCORT IS BOYFRIEND MATERIAL. For to knowingly take a job that makes you treat people like shit, because the johns treat you like shit makes you treat others like shit that you claim to love and/or care for. So you make yourself part of an ugly cycle of disrespectful behavior. The sad thing about Aandré is that he's been escorting for almost 20 years. I say this to point out, he's not getting any younger, so when is he going to take himself out of that ugly cycle and make himself not only boyfriend material - but emotionally attainable. He needs to man-up and deal with his issues of his past. And my loyal readers know that I practice what I preach by saying this, just as I documented on this blog my overcoming my racism towards other Black men, among other things.

In response to Aandré saying that he's not "boyfriend material". I told him that just the fact that he can say that shows that he has the potential to change it, but he's just too lazy to do the work on himself to make that needed change happen. And because he won't make that change, Aandré, other escorts, and the many who live such detached lives as well are all destined for loneliness that includes drug use (prescription and/or illegal) to escape the pain of that loneliness.

At this point, I have a life worth living to proceed with, and I don't, can't and won't care beyond writing this post to show my concern. Any other action holds me back to progressing just like Aandré is doing to himself right now by being in this escorting "game", especially at his age. So Aandré's 180 degree turn has now justifiably sparked my 180 turn in my empathy.

I was hoping that maybe I could take Aandré along on my journey of growing with me, but he is now just another existence who let me down. Because of his emotional instability, he's another Danny. Luckily, while Danny took years for me to realize I was wasting my time, I used that as a lesson. Hence why with Aandré, it was less than 2 weeks.

So as you can see, nothing good came of that day. Lousy protocol for a porn shoot, and I left with a lousy excuse for a man.

Or did some good come of it after all?

Maybe, just maybe some guy escorting will stop being in denial and realize that they are living the life of detachment by reading this post they'll see the sadness that is Aandré mirrored in their own life. Maybe this post will make them realize how contemptuous they are making their existence to be to where no one of value will want them, and they will man-up, and start the hard work and face the trials to make themselves worthy of someone of value.

If this is the silver lining in this dark cloud, even with the aggravation fate put me through to expose it....I say THANK GOD FOR IT.