I'm HIV+: No Bravery Applause Required

I always knew the day of me going public with my HIV+ status would come. My original plan was to come forward with it within in the pages of my autobiography that I have long been working on. But at the rate I’m going, scientist might actually find a cure by then, which would make not much need for the revelation. 

The thought to come forward with this revelation came when I got an invitation for Vladimir Rios’ exhibit of “I Still Remember” to be held at his gallery La Via Galerie in Livingston, NJ on World AIDS Day, December 1, 2018. I was one of the models in the photo narrative. The invitation also offered some guests to speak. Upon reading this, a conversation with myself started. It said: 

“NOW!” 

“’Now’ what?” 

“Now is when you’re going to publicly reveal that you’re HIV+” 

The idea of going public with my HIV status is not a new one for me. It is actually been a thought of mine for a long time. What might have caused a postponement was a potential playmate being a know-it-all.

He was someone I met at a condom-only party. We made out, I went down on him, giving him a mind-blowing blowjob, then we cuddled and chatted in the afterglow. During that conversation, I mentioned my day job and my being a sex educator via my blogging, which piqued his interest even more. We exchanged numbers to hook up one-on-one, then one night, we chatted via text. He said that outside that condom-only sex party that he liked to play raw, so he wanted to know my HIV status. I told him the truths of how 1)the joy of playing raw was mutual, and; 2)that my being positive, but undetectable. After disclosing my HIV status, I confided in him that I often considered going public with my HIV status.

Well, I have always said that my brain works like a both a male and a female's. Confiding in him with my thinking about coming out publicly with my HIV status was my female thinking, as females just tend to vent, and not necessarily seeking a solution. The male thinking is what this guy did. He considered my venting as an ask of "What should I do?", when even if I was seeking advice, the right thing to do was to recluse himself from giving it because he was in no position to offer a suggestion.

For he was HIV-. Therefore, he has no first-person experience as to what I have to consider by publicly coming out as HIV+. The most he may have ever done is watch someone else’s life from the outside looking in. And coming out as HIV+ is very much like the coming out as gay, bisexual, pansexual, transgender, etc. An outsider can demand that you be honest with yourself, but they cannot by any means so much as suggest when you tell such a truth about yourself to the outside world. Especially, if you’re a public persona on even the smallest level. 

Well, for the record, that hook-up outside of that party never happened. It was not because of his suggesting that I come out publicly. Although, it should have been the 1st sign of his being a know-it-all who talks too much as all know-it-alls do. It was about something else completely in which he unjustifiably showed himself to be a know-it-all. Therefore, an annoyance in the long run.

So while that might have caused me to postpone my coming out publicly with my HIV status, part of what definitely kept me quiet is that so many people have come out as HIV+. To the point that as I said in my speech at “I Still Remember”, saying you’re HIV+ is for me now just stating a matter of one’s being. Then I realized that while that may be the case, that too few of those faces of healthy HIV+ males in the media are those of Black men. Of course, they exist, but the biggest names in gay media still being the racist behemoths that they are still paint white and light complexioned males as the heroes of our society. Meanwhile, I have either heard tales and/or been eyewitness to some of these white/light faces partaking of the very same unhealthy practices that I speak against. So where are the many healthy Black males to disprove the negative stigma of what HIV looks like? And do so without the hypocrisy that the racism of many gay media outlets allow white/light males?

Too few on both counts. 

And I believe that is what incited that conversation with myself to make World AIDS Day 2018 be the day I publicly admitted to being HIV+.

So now that I have put the truth out there, I know I have incited many questions. Many questions about some things I've said in the past about safe sex, barebacking, HIV, and STIs. Well, let me warn you... we are talking about ME here. So while you may think you can surmise an answer, you will likely find you need to talk to me a little more for the correct and honest answer.

For that reason, I am open to emails, interviews, discussions as a moderator, guest speaker, or participant to expand on this. Plus, I am realizing that this revelation is an opportunity to expand on my knowledge I can share as a sex educator.

So let the expansion begin....

I'm Nearing Half a Century,....NOT Nearing Ugly, Asexual, or Impotent

Especially by gay nightlife and gay media, being 30+ is treated like a death sentence. Well, as I turn 47 on March 31, 2018, this is my decree as to how I beg to differ and why.

Roots Of My Stance On Poppers

Every stance we take has a root much like any plant, flower, or tree. So while I have been very harsh in my stance against poppers, I figured I should explain what the roots of my hard stance against poppers are exactly. So maybe, you'll understand, instead of thinking I'm just being judgmental about poppers for no reason. and if you're using them, you just might find my roots good reason to reconsider taking another huff.

Whatever choice you make, the choice is yours.

And as to why I'm so scantily clad while explaining all of this to you, for that you have to watch the video....

Sex Party of Appreciation Or Fetishizing

• At a naked party I recently attended, the only other black partygoer there besides myself quietly asked me, "Why doesn't anybody like me?"
• 
  
• As much as I didn't want to say it there, as I get older, I no longer care in waiting to tell a truth needed to be told. So I felt if anyone hears me, and has a problem with what I say, then they would expose themselves as either a guilty party, and/or an enabler of the problem.

So I unleashed the truth by telling him specifically what that problem is...Sexual racism, and how it is very much alive in 2017. Even though we have a great host that is welcoming to all colors and ethnicities, a number of guests are not that open-minded. Their actions show that if you don't fit into the color spectrum of white to light, then you get a polite "Hello" (if that), and nothing more.

In the midst of my saying this and more to further explain my point, I think that in my passion, my voice carried. For I heard one guy say to another in the next room, "It's just sex, You're overthinking it!"

Maybe it wasn't them kiki'ing over what I was saying. However, since that response is a very common racially insensitive white response to when I address the issue of sexual racism, it's only natural for me to feel it was very likely directed at what I was saying.

• 
  
• So in my suspicion and needed venting, I posted this on Facebook, then made a screenshot of it, to post on Instagram the next day:

• #sexualracism #racism #interracial #interracialsex #blackandwhite #racialinsensitivity #gaysexparties

  A post shared by LeNair Xavier (@lenairxavier) on Jul 11, 2017 at 8:13pm PDT

• After some likes on Instagram, I got this comment from @ciscofashionnyc, and followed by my reply:
• ciscofashionnycquestion i have is.. if you feel that way, why would you attend sex parties where you feel that’s the case 😕 go where you will appreciated ‼️ #Facts#NYC #KiKiWithCisco

lenairxavier@ciscofashionnyc Because the only way one can get away from it is if they're such a coward about the reality of racism that they attend an all-black party. And since I love and honor the diversity that comes from being born and raised in the USA, and a native New Yorker, I'll be damned if I'm going to let some racist trash heaps chase me out of a place. Especially when some there do appreciate me, furthering the intent of the welcoming inclusive host.

As long as that reply is, because it was Instagram, I didn't reply with as much voracity as I will now by adding:
Being black and allowing myself to be exiled to attend an all-black party makes me just as racist and cowardly as the whites whose actions exiled me there. Furthermore, what exactly is an indicator for Black males to "go where you will be appreciated"? Is that attending a party catering to "bruthas and their admirers"?

If so, then that's advising that I attend a party enabling more racism. For attending such a sex party, says I'm low enough on self-esteem to allow myself to be made a fetish of. Because the non-black "admirers" attending such parties are there for that purpose, even if they're too brainwashed with white/light entitlement to realize it. Plus, enough porn companies pull that crap, leading a plethora of ignorant whites and non-blacks to follow it. And for that reason, instead of sticking my dick in their ass to give them some "big black cock",  sticking my fist through their face and beyond as punishment for their ignorance sounds a lot more inviting. So to avoid going to that dark place, I don't attend events marketed in that fashion. 

After my initial response, I then got this question asked:

ciscofashionnycso why are you focused on the negative and not highlighting those who do appreciate you / instead of giving so much light to those with dark hearts ⁉️

My reply:

lenairxavier@ciscofashionnyc Because those with dark hearts do so because no one calls them on it.

The racism of gay media endorses and enables their dark hearts. And that damage will never get undone unless someone with the means to do so holds them accountable. Social media gives us all a means to do that. Plus, their behavior is rooted in narcissism. So they want attention "all about them"? Then they should have been careful with what their actions wished for.

Which brings to how those who appreciate me not being narcissists. So they don't need the public praise. And I have offered it to them. But many I talk to about giving it to them don't want it, even anonymously. It's because they know who they are, and the good they have within. And you can't help but respect them for that in the way they see fit.

Again, I let some explanations slide in my response. First, with hindsight being 20/20, I realize that answering my fellow black partygoer there with the risk of being overheard was me subconsciously giving the guilty their overdue calling out for their behavior. And it seemed to spark a reaction that paves the way for a discussion to many black males are guilted by whites into not having, with themselves or with whites. So at first I would have apologized for answering the question at that time. But now I see it was the right thing to do.

Second further explanation, if the person commenting kept in mind what he also sees of me on Facebook, he would have easily seen how I do give praise to those who appreciate me and my brown skin. Blog posts as recent as "When Pornstars & Their Lookalikes Fuck Alike" is a perfect example of that.

My playmate from that encounter was a white male who resembled white straight porn actor Mark Ashley. The reason I didn't highlight his appreciation of my darker skin to his pale skin was because it was just that - appreciation. Not fetishizing. Giving me such a level of peace that in telling the story, instead of focusing on the presumed absence of racism (sexual or otherwise), I was able to focus on the sexual bliss. For our attraction to each other was not me seeing him as an attractive white man, or (as far as I knew) him seeing me as an attractive black man. We saw each other simply as 2 attractive men. With skin color not being a necessary part of that beauty. When skin color is not part of the discussion, it makes for a beautiful tryst. And that's how it should be.

This is not to say that I'm against praising a man's skin color. Because I have been blessed with the gift of sight to see your skin color, and I maintain the wisdom to find both light and dark skin worth admiring. But sexual racism being what it is, we have to be mindful to not tell someone too much about that aspect of their beauty we are admiring. For too early of a reveal can lead to us giving ourselves to a racial fetishist, then calling them our lover, then life-partner. So one should let the overt admiration of their skin color be earned over time.

With all that said, what keeps me coming back to that party? It's who I mentioned before - the inclusive host. While a number of the white/light guys there will stick to their racist white gay media-endorsed mantra of "it's a preference", totally oblivious to their own racism, the obvious welcoming of the host is what keeps me coming back. For that welcome is true appreciation.

Now, if you go to a party, and the host is fake, and obviously unwelcoming, then that is when the beauty of your skin color is not appreciated. And that is when your patronage should cease. But as long as the host is doing their part, keep coming back.

Who Is My Message of Resistance at The Pleasure Chest For?

NYC's Gay Pride was yesterday. I spent the day working with The Pleasure Chest as part of their street team. Handing out paint paddles, fans, condoms, and buttons.

Before that, we wrote names of LGBTQ inspirations and messages of resistance. I chose to do a message of resistance, much like the one I did on the window of the Upper East Side location.

I'm sure most names of inspirations and messages of resistance will at the most cause a fellow member of the LGBT community to in some way scream "YAAASSS!", with little chance of an anti-LGBT pedestrian even looking up to see the message to put them on notice. And such a more out gay presence near the West Village location, I chose to write the message:

RESIST RACISM, AGEISM, SEXISM

It is a message that might not only make a fellow member of the LGBT community scream the aforementioned, but more so stop them in their tracks and make them see a mirror. A mirror they might not want to look in.

For that look at themselves might show how supporters of this country's present shit-show of a presidential administration are not the only ones exhibiting behaviors that need messages of resistance. Sad to say, but members of the LGBT community itself are also culprits.

If you don't think so, then please read on...

RACISM Almost every LGBT hero and/or sex symbol we are bombarded with is white. Or they are a light person of color that gay media uses to claim they are not racist when in fact they are. Even though there are plenty of medium to dark people of color who have accomplished just as great (or better) a feat, or been just as great (or even stronger) a voice.

As I have stated in the past, Queerty and  Instinct is such a perpetrator of this, and has gotten so cowardly in facing those who follow my lead in calling them out on it, they both have blocked me from commenting.

Also, most recently, the racial insensitivity to Philadelphia's unveiling of a gay flag including the colors of black and brown makes those white and assimilating people of color who claim to be anti-Trump to be the biggest of hypocrites. Ones whose souls are at a level of disgust that there are no words to describe how deplorable they make their existence. This is not to say that I didn't have my own feelings about it, but it was nothing compared to the racial insensitivity and selling out that I saw online from our own.

AGEISM The ageism in the LGBT community is also deplorable. For why is it immediately assumed when I walk into a gay bar, that because I'm over 30 that I'm to buy a 20-something a drink? Why do porn companies like Icon Male and Naked Sword prey upon the maladjustment of many gay males' daddy issues by sexualizing them, being one of those inciting those 20-somethings to make a fetish out of me for my age. Porn has done that to me enough for the color of my skin. I don't need porn doing it to me because of my age as well.

Also, why is it that when a model call is put out that as good as I and others 30+ have maintained themselves, we are denied the gig simply because of our age. Yet some of us have the looks, stamina, and discipline to get the job done better than the white/light 20-somethings hired?

Case in point with an example that compounds both ageism and racism.- There have been many nights when I've go-go danced in my 40s, and didn't stop dancing for 1.5 - 2 hours after I started. Meanwhile, many of these young white go-go boys today act so entitled that they get on the dancing box for 5 - 10 minutes, and then they disappear, and are hired again.

SEXISM The sexism in the LGBT community is also out of control. For there is no excuse for a female to be questioned about her presence in a male-dominated gay bar when she is with her gay best friend. Or when she is being so civilized, you wouldn't notice her unless you stood next to her, and/or she politely said "Hello". Yet, there are many gay males who get their knickers in a ball-crunching twist when she is civilized.  I know many females come in with their overcompensating flamboyant male friends. But let the female show themselves before judging them. The same way you don't want to be judge based on the behavior of a few bad seed gay males in our community.

This sexism also translates into transphobia. The kind of transphobia that makes transgender people not tell you they are transgender until after the fact. Such as the instance I spoke of in my Thotyssey post, "X-Ray Sex: The Transgender Surprise".


So you see, the message of resistance is not only necessary to be addressed to the racism, sexual assaults, misogyny, and narcissism that presently runs our country. It also needs to be addressed to ourselves. And it's a reason why there are gays considering strapping themselves into some form of a "Conversion Therapy Horror Chair".

How A Versatile Bottom Tops

Many versatile bottoms top so seldom that when they do top, they surprise even themselves. At least that's been the claim of every versatile bottom that has topped me. Well my thought is they have a dick, and all of our cock's naturally crave to penetrate or be massaged for stimulation. Even if it's the palm of our own hand. So a bottom suddenly deciding to top is not an impossibility. A fact I can definitely testify to.

For it seems that I have a history of leading versatile bottoms to have topping moments. The way these moments came about was by me not doing much. This leads me to wonder what did I do, or what do I have to make them feel so comfortable and confident about topping me.  Well, I've come to realize that it's at least 3 of these 4 things:

Give them the option
As I mentioned earlier, my bottoming for versatile bottoms often resulted from me without warning, being put into a bottoming position when I initially thought that they would be assuming that position. Such was the case with my playmate from "Prince Albert Goes Inside". I showed up intending to be a top, got rimmed by my intended bottom, then the next thing I knew, he lubed up my ass, and put his cock in me, fucking my ass hard for almost 45 minutes straight. Some would say instances such as that border on rape. I beg to differ. For as the old saying goes, "you can't rape the willing". And that's what has happened each time for me.

Early on in our meeting, I asked if they were top, bottom, or versatile. They at first say "bottom", then they say "versatile bottom". If I reveal my being versatile after, I always tell them that if at any time they feel the desire to top me, don't be afraid to take advantage. And I've enjoyed each time they took advantage.

Don't dwell on it

When I tell a versatile bottom to not be afraid to take advantage, I tell them that one time, and if I see them more than once, I hardly ever bring it up again. I might say that they have a beautiful dick, but I'm not pressuring them to put that beautiful cock inside my ass. It's more so to give them a blowjob. 

Because with no huffing on poppers required - I love, love, LOVE, LOVE sucking dick. The entire journey of it from looking at it up close before it goes in my mouth, to the taste of its head and skin. And I love to taste and swallow the cum that fills my mouth because of my cocksucking skills. And I always let any bottom I'm sucking on know that's why I'm so eager to suck their cock. The discussion about him topping me, was already said and done, so moving on.... until he's ready.

Give them confidence

You have to give a versatile bottom confidence that they are not less of a man because they bottom. I feel the need to give them that confidence because gay males are too often their own worst enemy by stigmatizing being a bottom. Or being versatile, like myself for that matter. Because it's a common act in porn for bottoms to be belittled, and a common "joke" in gay comedy and drag shows in a demeaning way to label someone as a bottom when they admit to being any degree versatile. Because of this, a versatile bottom doesn't often feel confident enough to admit to their own versatility. For most of the gay male community has now been taught to not acknowledge it. So I try to let my invitation to let them top me give them a safe place for their versatility to shine.

For if you help a guy that's any degree of a bottom to feel that bottoming does not lessen their manhood, it might lessen their anxiety in using their dicks as part of the play when they're with you. I surmise that media-induced anxiety might also be a reason why so many bottoms use poppers to  loosen up. Because if you're truly confident in your bottoming, even if it takes a couple of tries, you'll relax to accommodate the cock(s) you want to take in with no chemical required.

Due to the aforementioned confidence-killers, you instilling confidence in your partner is also necessary if your versatile bottom is not that well-endowed. When you give him the option to top you, if he notes the size of his cock as a reason why he doesn't top, inform him as to how you're not a size-queen. Now, I did say as a previous step to not dwell on it. In this case, if he brings up doubt about his size more than once, then you re-assure him each time as a response.

Have a nice ass
This is what in the introduction of this list that I was referring to as the "what do I have" to inspire versatile bottoms to top me. And it makes perfect sense for it to be so. I'm sure that my sexcapades in which I inspired a versatile bottom to top would have never happened if not for the aforementioned previous steps, as well as me having this ass that I am often complimented on.

This is not to say that using the previous 3 steps without what you think is a great ass won't inspire a versatile bottom to top you if you want him to. Because just like giving our hearts to love is inspired by traits within a person, those same traits within a partner can also create that spark to make us give our bodies to lust.


With only 4 steps, it doesn't take a lot of steps to get a versatile bottom unsure to his topping skills to become more self-assured. What it might take a lot of however is patience. For the damaged done to the male ego by the aforementioned confidence-breakers might take awhile to undo. So if you're willing to wait it out, you may in due time get a truly versatile bottom. One that might even go from versatile bottom, to totally versatile.

Either way, your patience will be rewarded.