Wednesday, November 30, 2011

Becoming Mr. Mistress - text version

Due to the quick popularity of my last podcast, I have decided to comply with request of having it in text form. Thanks to those who helped to make it such a success.

I define myself as a predominately gay bisexual. However, this situation is one that is all too common in this technological age regardless of your age, gender, ethnicity, religion, or sexual orientation. So I strongly advise you to read this, and feel free to pass it along to friends who might have, are presently, or are on the verge of living this scenario.

What made me need to tell this story is because I have been in 3-ways, and even felt like I was nearing being propositioned to be part of a 3-way partnership. But in all of my sexual experiences and online encounters, you might be shocked to learn that I have never experience something like this.

About 3 weeks ago, I got a friend request on Facebook. The guy said that we chatted on the gay hook-up website, Adam4Adam a couple of years ago. He also lives here in NYC. As with my most people, before I accept their friend request, I checked their info. Hence why there are some people right now waiting for me to accept their friend requests but I won’t because there is just too little information available to me about them and their friends. And some of them look like kids, and I’ll be damned if I’m going to have Chris Hansen from Dateline NBC’s “To Catch A Predator” busting down my door, with cops cuffing me, and taking my computer for suspicion of pedophilia. That shit is not happening.

Anyway, after I accepted his friend request, he started chatting with me. Our chats (all of which he initiated) always wound up with us exchanging very sexual flirtations. As this went on, I began considering picking up where we left off in our exchanges on Adam4Adam. But to be sure, I went to his profile to see some things. His relationship status – but there was nothing listed in that regard. So I went to the back-up, his photos. I saw a guy in some of the pics that the body language suggested he was more than a friend. The date on those pics was July. Now with relationships being as fleeting as they are these days, I thought that relationship might be over and he just never deleted the pictures. The same way Toby, the guy from my poem "Paying (Ends---My Friend)" is still on my friends list with him tagged in my drawings that symbolize his bad behavior. However, with this guy, as our chats continued, he always said things that if you didn’t read between the lines like I do, you might not realize that this relationship of his wasn’t at all over. But he never came right out and said it like he should have, especially since no words stated so on his profile. The problem was that while I was figuring this out, my desire to come face to face with him was starting to grow again, just as it did when we exchanged messages on Adam4Adam.

One of our flirtation conversations led to him saying to me, “…too damn bad i didn't meet you when we first started talking, …something tells me we could've had a lot of fun. i still imagine we would."
I said in reply, “Obviously, you do.”
He said, “oh, why so obvious? Lol”

And that’s when I dropped the bomb by saying, “Well, having a taken man tell you how he's been turned on by you, can't be more obvious than that.”

He confirmed how true that was and then apologized if I felt it was inappropriate of him to talk to me so much or in that way, or if it was unfair to me. I told him that if I didn’t do my research and see his pictures, I wouldn’t have known about his boyfriend, because he never mentioned him. So his actions were unfair. And not just to me, but to his boyfriend as well. He agreed and told me that he loves his boyfriend, and he would never cheat on him. But it’s just that at times he feels a bit trapped, sexually.

Well, since I don’t know much about him and nothing at all about his boyfriend, nor am I behind their closed doors, I won’t doubt as to whether or not he loves his boyfriend. But how many times have we seen this scenario? How many entertainment and political scandals have started out this way in recent years because of this technological age of social media websites making us able to lay the ground work of meeting someone? Yet one party professes their love for and faithfulness to their significant other while pretty much saying all the words to court another? Waaaaay too many!

Now let’s go back to when he said that he at times feels trapped, sexually. He says that my openness about sex is part of what drew him to me. Now, correct me if I’m wrong, but shouldn’t that sexual openness and adventurous spirit have been a requirement he made of his boyfriend before taking up with him? The same way I said in a recent blog post how I could never be in a monogamous relationship with a guy who is a total top or a total bottom, because my versatility is going to make me crave both the dick and ass of that man. And denying me of either will only spark me to look outside of that relationship. Now, if you tell me beforehand that there is a physical reason for you to be a total top or bottom, and I accept it, then I can’t complain. Or if something happens to you physically during the course of our relationship that makes you a total top or bottom, then I should accept it and be monogamous. Otherwise, what halts you is mental, and I am under no obligation to proceed with attempting a monogamous relationship with you. And this is a conversation we need to have before we call ourselves “a couple”.

So if my sexual openness and adventurous spirit is such a draw to him, then it only makes sense for me to conclude that his feeling sexually trapped is born from one of 3 things:
(1) he’s having issues with having sex with the same person all the time, which is not uncommon.
(2) his boyfriend is what they call “vanilla”. Meaning that he doesn’t do too much outside the norm, and there might not be much communication about what he does within that norm. This is communication that should have been had before they called themselves “a couple”.
Whatever reason he has bouts of feeling sexually trapped, it’s why some couples are into 3-somes, swinging, and open relationships. But also, it doesn’t justify him leading anyone on, or putting himself in the position to be unfaithful since being in one of those more sexually open relationships doesn’t seem to be an option for him. Or
3) some combination of 1 & 2.

Now, it’s inevitable that at some point, one of us would have propositioned a meeting, and the other would have agreed. It was inevitable because it is a natural instinct put in us human beings that when we feel trapped, we are to seek escape. So what if I was such a lonely soul that I decided to offer myself as this guy’s escape from that feeling of being sexually trapped? Or what if he propositioned me to come face to face at long last? Maybe just to talk. Maybe more. Consciously, or subconsciously, no matter how much he claims that he would never cheat on his boyfriend, it’s a line we’ve heard of too many times before, as he would have been putting himself in the position to be unfaithful. And I also would have lessened my worth as a person by being a party to it.

Now, they say it’s a small world. By both of us living here in New York City, it makes it even more probable that even in a city this big that, I could very easily run into this guy and his boyfriend. And it should be hell on my conscience to look his boyfriend in the face. Now, the question is while it should be hell on my conscience, would I risk lessening my worth because I’m that lonely a soul?

Well, I’m going to put it to you like this, …I have no intention of being Kat Von D. to this guy’s possible Jessie James. Having Karma kick my ass because of what I did to his boyfriend’s  possible part as Sandra Bullock. In short, NO, I am not lessening my worth, nor am I that lonely a soul.

I admit to having my moments of loneliness. But 1) no one should find a piece of ass, a piece of dick, or a piece of pussy worth all that hiding and bad karma. Especially, when at the end of the day, until that person gets caught, he/she is going back to the real significant other. The significant other that he/she shares a life, maybe a home, and maybe even children with. And 2) I love myself enough to not be someone’s consolation prize. Which is what you’ll become when that person gets caught and thrown out on his/her ass. Everyone’s goal in their love life should not be a consolation prize. But instead, demand that they are THE PRIZE.

It’s sad how someone into monogamy can immediately communicate to someone they’re seeing how that person is not their type once that person reveals being in the sex industry. Yet, they can’t bring themselves to talk about their own sexual nature, be it mild or wild. Well, the reason why it seems so easy is because the monogamous person doesn’t have to communicate to the person in the sex industry that a union between them won’t work. Because CIRCUMSTANCE did the talking for them. CIRCUMSTANCE allowed them to maintain their being tongue-tied by way of sexual repression. And I’m not saying that the monogamous person is sexual repressed because he/she isn’t so sexual open enough to be in the sex trade. I’m saying he/she is sexually repressed because they won’t communicate with their partner what they want sexually. Or for the sake of not being alone, they settle. Which is why some relationships involving people of 2 opposing sexual natures come to fruition, even though they should have never gotten started in the first place. Unfortunately, there comes a time when one or both parties can’t lie about it anymore, and the opposing sexual natures surface so much that a parting of the ways is a must.

Now before I continue, some of you might not realize that I do need to clarify what I mean by “monogamous”. For there are those in the sex trade like some porn actors and prostitutes who are part of a couple, who show that they are dumber than a box of hair by claiming “outside of work, we’re monogamous”. Truth be told----NO THE FUCK YOU ARE NOT!!!! Because your male significant other is getting his dick wrapped nice and snug in a 98.6 degree hole, be that hole a mouth, ass, or pussy that is NOT yours, and your male or female significant other is getting his or her 98. 6 degree hole, be it a mouth, ass, or pussy stuffed better than the turkey you had this past Thanksgiving with a male’s dick that is NOT your own. The short version is, no matter what the situation you put yourself in, if you’re fucking somebody besides your significant other, you are NOT monogamous. Don’t try to bullshit me just because you’re dumb enough to try to bullshit yourself.

Therefore, these people need to stop lying to us and themselves, and start communicating the truth. Just like any member of a couple needs to when they feel in some way trapped. Because circumstance is not going to always do the talking for you. For it happens more often than not that you’re going to have to be an adult, therefore make an adult decision, therefore have an adult conversation. Otherwise, the situation that I am speaking of now, or worse is the situation that you end up with.

There is a part of me that thinks had I kept up with communicating with this guy, that I would have no need to do this podcast, because we’ve experienced each other, and might still be together. But make no mistake, I am by no means doing this podcast as a regret song of “Shoulda, Coulda, Woulda”.

Because you may have come to know of me by way of the internet, but when it comes to my social life, I deal with the real world. Even though I have profiles on Adam4Adam, Manhunt, Gaydar, BBRT, DudesNudes, and maybe some others I’m forgetting right now, the fact remains that the overwhelming majority of guys in my life have been met by venturing out into the real world. Some might say they don’t have time to go out and meet people. Well guess what? The time it takes you to plant your ass in front of that computer, and make a profile, send an email, or chat online, you could have took your ass out into the real world and met someone. The reason why you won’t is because of you’ve probably become conditioned to play along with the sheer cowardice in communicating by using the less intimate ways that this technological age has greenlighted. My most loyal readers may recall that I’ve had this problem with Danny, and most recently Toby who both text like crazy, instead of being a man about their business and TALK - voice to voice and/or face to face.

And playing into those modernized bad habits is why this guy never heard from me again. I’m not an online or texting type of person when it comes to communicating in my personal relationships. If you live in this city, and want to maintain communication, then up the ante on your communication with me. Because of you don’t…your lost will surely be somebody else’s gain. And you risk the chance that you’ll be left to settle. Which may have very well been the case of the guy I’m talking about now. I don’t know anything about his boyfriend. I don’t know his boyfriend’s personality, sexual likes and dislikes. I know NOTHING. But I’ll tell you what, I’m not going to allow myself to be his “guy on the side” just because he may have decided to settle. With most people that I’m interested in talking to, I give them my blog address. And considering how I reveal so much of my stands on my blog, if they are still interested, then we can go further from there. Because there are so many ways to find me. But this guy waited until now to do it. Well, for me or anybody with worthwhile standards, it’s too little, too late.

And like I said before, he said he wouldn’t cheat on his boyfriend. Do any of you within the sound of my voice really expect me to believe that at some point the temptation would not have become too strong for one or both of us to resist making that next inevitable step? I didn’t think so.

As I said in the intro, this story crosses over the lines of age.\,ethnicity, religion, gender, and sexual orientation. So I hope if you find yourself in such a predicament, you will do the right thing. Because it is the only way you will able to give yourself the pat on the back that I’m giving myself right now – with both hands. Because it’s very easy to say “if that was me, I would have done such and such”. But when the moment of truth arrives, some of us don’t follow through on doing “such and such”. Well, this time, it was me presented with that moment of truth, and I did do “such and such”. Why?

Because I am too damn good to be ANYBODY’s "Mr. Mistress".

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