Tuesday, February 9, 2010

I'm Bi, But More Gay, Now Kiss and Fuck Me - 8 Years Later

Tonight around this time marks 8 years since I came to realize my predominately gay bisexuality. It also marks 8 years come the early hours of February 10th, that I had my 1st kiss EVER, and a couple of hours later lost of my viriginity. What is so weird about this?

You'll no doubt see the weirdness when you do the math of how come March 31, 2010 ----I will be 39 years old.

To be approaching the age of 39, those 8 years in some ways seem like yesterday, while in others seem so long ago.

What makes it seem like yesterday is the fact that I still greatly understand the inner-conflict of those young and old who fear coming to terms with their sexuality, and not just to family amd friends, but to themsleves. It is why I have always put up such a fuss about the "gay-for-pay" genre in porn. For part of my getting into porn 3 years after my sexual awakening was to show those in conflict, myself as a man who was once where they are, and how I am now comfortable with showing my sexuality, even though I (like many of them, hence why they hide) come from an upbringing that frowned upon it. My video performances plus my blog was my way of showing them how you must be true to yourself if you are to take solace with your own being. I'm not saying everyone with that inner-conflict should do porn, but this was my way to convey that message to the public. Even if they discover that they weren't gay after all, but simply curious instead, I hope my being true to myself has inspired some to do what it takes for them to be true to themselves.

As for what seems like so long ago, is my place in the LGBT community, and who my sexual orientation makes me responsible to, as well as what it make me responsible for. It seems like so long ago because when I first realized my being a mostly gay bisexual, I relied greatly on gays who were more settled into their sexual identity, and somewhat played "Follow The Leader". I am so self-sufficient and self-confident now that I look back on those days sometimes, and see myself as a fool in some ways. Because some of those that I followed were what I refer to now as "militant gays" where EVERYTHING in their life was about being gay. I have grown over these 8 years to see that is an unnecessary and mentally unhealthy way to live, because it's a life where you are always on edge, often thinking someone is out to get you when they are not, OR putting yourself in the position for someone to be out to get you.

I'm not going to re-tell how I came to realize my orientation, had my 1st kiss, or lost my virginity, even though it's quite a tale to re-tell. I'm just thankful to God that I've come to this point of self-assurance 8 years later, that has led me to knowledge about sex, life, and love that I can share with you by way of the gift for writing that I have been blessed with.

And I THANK YOU for riding this far with me, as I hope that I am given another 8 to 80 more to share with not only with the LGBT community, but the world as a whole.

1 comment:

  1. So important. I think i feel this way also, a mostly gay, slight bi guy. At 42 years old, I'm starting to navigate my(bi?) sexuality and it's a little scary. Thank you for your excellent artciles and homsety. Peace and love.


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