My "When I Knew" Moment

This past Friday, Men of All Colors Together (MACT/NY) held at the LGBT Center in NYC a screening of the documentary "When I Knew" which was followed by a discussion where guests gave their own "when I knew" moments at. Being that so many people's stories are different, I attended out of sheer curiosity. I thought they may be interested in the tale of a pornstar's when I knew moment, but I wasn't a scheduled of specified guests, so I wasn't sure as to whether or not my tale would be of much interest.

I however became a specified guest when I walked in the room, and one of the other guest remembered me from the time I was a scheduled guest for a screening of my movie, "The Interview". When her started talking to me, many of the other members and guests were listening to what we were saying to each other, so after that I knew practically everyone knew a porn actor was in the room, which I'm sure sparked quite a bit of curiosity of my "when I knew" moment. With that in mind, after the movie I waited quite a bit, then gave a brief version of my "when I knew" moment. So I decided here to give a more detailed version of my "when I knew" moment.

Ever since I was in grade school, I've struggled with my attractions between both girls and boys, so I've always knew something about me was a little different. Either I was a little different, or my attractions were something many boys felt, but it was against the rules of manhood to admit to it. My main concern however was the fact that I always feared that if I was with a woman, that a man could easily come along and take me away from her. I should have known that in my bisexuality, homosexuality was more dominant, because vice versa of the aforementioned scenario was never the case.

The lying to myself got so bad that when I was in the 6th grade, I wrote a note to myself with the purpose of I guess you could say, "scare myself straight". My mother found this note and gave me this long lecture about how when a man sleeps with a man he immediately goes to hell. That lecture had me in such fear, that I was unable to cope with the slightest downfall in my life during my teenage years. And with the over-dramatizing teenagers do with their problems, that could have had dire results, because I was so unable to cope that any problem that arose, I would contemplate suicide. I lived on that ledge for about 15 years of my life. All that time having no real friends, no real social life, and not dating. Therefore never discovering for myself with any certainty of where I lied within the sexuality spectrum.

It was 2002, I was already 30, and just a few weeks from turning 31, and my conscience being verbally abusive as it is when I really need to do something told me, "Look at yourself. You're fuckin' pathetic. Here you are about to turn 31, and you still have no fuckin' idea as to whether you're straight, gay, bi, or straight but so curious that you're fantasizing about gay sex, when you might not like it if you try it. Well, there's one way to find out for sure. So stop being a chicken shit bitch, and go for it."

At the time, due to the fact I was going to enter a modeling contest that I chickened out of, the only gay establishment I knew of was the venue the contest was held at. That venue was Splash Bar in NYC. I won't rehash the entire night again, you can read it in a couple of past entries. What I will rehash is the fact that when I walked in the door, I felt a sense of my search for myself being almost over. I say "almost" because I knew that while I was in a gay establishment, I still possessed an attraction to women that had yet to be sexually satisfied in any kind of way, BUT it was by no means as strong as my attraction to men, so I wasn't that bothered by satisfying it. Which explains why I was able to wait until this past year to explore and enjoy it at a bi-sex party.

I know my being a porn actor makes many believe that when I came out to myself at long last, that I came out with a vengeance. Maybe so, and I am by no means advising others that bottled up to take that route. You should come out first to yourself in your own way, and in your own time. And to those who have already done so, CONGRATULATIONS. And to those that haven't, October 11th may be National Coming Out Day here in the U.S., but that doesn't mean that has to be the day you make that revelation to yourself, or anybody else. Find your own day, and I wish you the best, therefore extreme safety in you discovering yourself.