Sunday, May 4, 2008

New Lessons After The 3 - Conclusion

Today, I was deliberating with myself about writing this conclusion, and just leaving Part 1 as is. Especially with my friend, Ben Marksman adding to the voice in my head telling me to move on. Then I remembered a keyword in the title - "Lessons". So I'm concluding this entry to display the lessons I learned from my mistake in judgement, and tell specifically what brought those lessons forth. Although I have already moved on, I feel by writing this and displaying my humanity to make flawed decisions, plus knowing someone somewhere may be learning from it makes me move on with even more strength than if I didn't write this.

While I said that I respect his feelings to a point, there were things he said when I tried to expressed my honest feelings about his decision in a mature manner that I don't respect at all, because they were expressed by him in a patronizing manner.

1)The fact that he never took into consideration what my stand on involving myself with someone who may not be OK with my being in the adult industry. To refresh some memories and reveal for the 1st time to others, my rule is that I'll do work in front of the camera until either I get tired or I find someone who I get deeply involved enough that when the time comes for us to decide on making a commitment, then Tre Xavier has left the building. Maybe he was hurt in his past, and doesn't want to take that risk. I understand that as well. But it doesn't help in him painting himself as if he did nothing wrong when -

2)he looks as his having an in-depth conversation like it's nothing. I have in-depth conversations with a trick or fuck-buddy, but I don't get that in-depth before the 1st lay or after, and to specify what I mean by "that in depth" would mean betraying confidences. It makes sure that the signals don't get crossed, and doing it any other way sets the ground work for misunderstandings like this and greater. And he doesn't seem to get that, and maybe that is in great part to #3. But to finish this thought, I never got that in-depth with the Jersey Boys, and we fooled around for almost an entire year. So his behavior comes off as hypocritical, because he may not want to date a sex worker, yet he exhibits behavior with people that are indicative of a sex worker, namely that of escort to client. I guess this is a case where you can take the boy out of the escorting business, but you can't take the escorting business out of the boy.

3) I before said that I was not going to involve myself with someone who does drugs, even for 1 night. And with this guy, I was willing to put that stand aside even though he wouldn't put his stand aside of dating a sex worker. That's not the part that pissed me off, since putting my stand aside was my call. What pissed me off royally is for him to say he did nothing wrong, yet he reveals to me that if he wasn't high on Ecstasy that he would have kept me at arm's length. Believe it or not, I would have preferred exchanging numbers and having our in-depth conversations minus the sex. But once again, one's cowardice to deal with their life making them use drugs fucks up what could have been a good memory. Instead he has now made himself another drugged-up mistake coming at the expense of my time. I would like to know how long is it going to take to meet someone man enough to get high on life, love, and sex drug-free for 1 night, but even better lifelong. I admit to having done drugs, and I actually did do it that night. Because after more than 6 months since I so much as smoked a joint, it was me once again using myself as a guinea pig to try and find out what the fuck is the draw to getting high when you're getting laid. I say enjoy what you're doing, and stop escaping from it for whatever reason while you're doing it. If you can't take pride in why you're doing it, then don't do it. Anything else is a chicken shit's approach, and I have no respect for it. And this experience has given me even less tolerance for doped up tricks. To the point that I am most likely going to stick more firmly to my ground on this.

What made this most enraging was the fuck-faced audacity of him to come at me psychoanalyzing me without knowing me. I admit that I myself do psychoanalyze people here on this blog, but it is not without knowing the person well enough that I can responsibly voice my findings. This person took no such time to make any kind of analysis of me. Therefore, the proper thing for him to do with me is to SHUT THE FUCK UP, WATCH, AND LEARN! Therefore afterwards he can responsibly make an assessment of who I am.

If that wasn't enraging enough for its intrusiveness, his constant use of the word "darling" was such a stereotypical condescending fag tone I wanted to dig in him from skin to flesh until I got to his voice box so I could rip it out. And you may recall how much I hate stereotypical people of any race, sexual orientation, etc. Now primal and uncivilized as that may sound, don't lie to me or yourself that you have not come across some brand of ignorance that you thought of doing something just as horrific. - maybe even worse. Luckily, as a sane human being, that is only a sadistic fantasy that I'm using my craft of writing to vent the frustration that would make it a reality. Maybe I have some leftover anger over "Blogging=Narcissism"? that has now compounded with this latest drama. A drama that I am now moving on from, because I live a life that deserves, thereby rightly demands so much better.

I wish this guy well in maturing to where he can make the same claim.

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