Sunday, August 30, 2009

I'm Open - So What's Wrong With Me?

As I was graciously coming closer to hitting 38 years old, I came to a realization about what many regards as “their preference”.

If you claim that you have no attraction to a person of a certain color or nationality, then I have news for you. That’s not because it’s your “preference” as many like to say. It’s because there is some degree of racism running through your veins, and you’re using the term “preference” as a cop-out. It is a cop-out that has gotten so far out of hand that it is the very reason why racism in the gay community has become an accepted way of life. No one will admit to it being accepted, because it is wrong to be racist, but it has without a doubt become accepted behavior.

I can say this because after overcoming my racism against other Black men, I find myself now open to being attracted to such a wide variety of colors. This made me ask myself, “What is so special about me? Why is it that I am open to such a wide variety, while others are so pathetically limited?”

And YES, I said pathetically limited.

The racism I had against Black men always bothered me. Not only because I’m a Black man myself, but even more so because I always saw it as a limitation on my outlook of life. I always felt that every human being should find visual, emotional, sexual, and cultural beauty in every color of human being God put on this earth. Therefore, to see that I had a limitation on what colors I saw beauty in troubled me, while it has always at the same time, troubled me to see that limiting view of beauty come from other people. Thereby, making myself into something I hate to see breathing – a hypocrite.

Circumstance taught me to dislike other Black men, thereby finding them to not have any beauty. I grew up in a predominately Black neighborhood with teachers (of all people) feeding me the concept of being "all about my blackness" for lack of a better term. This goes against what I was taught at home, and what my personal nature as an observer sees in the world around me. I knew early on that the kind of thinking those teachers were trying to teach me taught me nothing that I needed to be a worthwhile existence of a human being. At home, I was taught that in order to be a worthwhile existence, that the only race I should concern myself with first and foremost is THE HUMAN RACE. Not my blackness. With that kind of teaching, had I been White, then I wouldn't be about my whiteness as so many White Americans are. And being all about one's color and not their humanity is how the people of a nation become their own worst enemy, as many Americans are.

Unfortunately, I still run into Black people today who are still trying to feed me that same garbage as those teachers did. Luckily, I've matured, meaning that I became enough of an individual thinker to realize that all Blacks are just as much individuals as I am. You see, it's because of those words from those teachers and hearing those other Black students cheering and following it that brought about my racism towards other Blacks. That thought process is ugly to me, therefore the Blacks who followed it, which were many, became ugly as well - from the inside out.

Now that I come to see all Blacks as individuals, I have opened myself up to the fact that there are some Blacks who like myself don't live by those principles taught by those teachers back in my elementary and junior high schools. Therefore I see a beauty in other Blacks that has the potential to be visually, emotionally, sexually, and culturally stimulating.

After seeing myself conquer my racism against Blacks, I now have to wonder what the fuck is wrong with so many other people. Why are so many people willing to go along with the excuses like, "it's the way I was brought up", or "it's because of where I come from", or "it's just my preference"?

Is it really your preference? Or is it racism you were taught, or allowed yourself to be taught? Because racism is a learned behavior. It is not born into us like our skin color and ethnicity, which unlike our thought patterns, we cannot change. Let's take for instance why it seems that in American gay society, many gay White American males seem to find the most desirable Black males to be dark-skinned, and brawny while Black men with medium complexions, simply toned builds, braids, or sometimes an afro are too often treated by many gay White American males like sub-humans. Is this natural, or is it taught to us by all the American gay media, be it lifestyle magazines, television, or porn? It can't be natural, because most of the men I've either dated or tricked with are White, so it's not natural for White men to be this way. PLUS with most of the White men that I have been with being non-American, and usually European - it is obvious that this falsehood of "dark-skinned Black and brawny is better" is an American taught concept, therefore by no means natural.

Now, I'm not drawn to every Asian, every Middle-Easterner, or what-have-you that I see, and I am by no means a fool. I am well aware of the fact that over time we can study people of various ethnic backgrounds and come to conclusions about how certain behaviors are a part of who they are. But if this is what is contributing to what you call "your preference", then you need to ask yourself, "What if I'm wrong, and that being wrong is making me miss out on something I can cherish forever?" Because I myself am not a stereotypical Black man. And I feel many who look at me with those stereotypes in their mind are missing out on a possible prize. And if not with me, then they're about to miss out on a prize with someone else, and not giving them a chance to show their individuality. By putting those stereotypes aside for a moment now, I do know that someone in every ethnicity out there can strike my fancy, on both a simply sexual level AND/OR a very deep one. I don't do like many who see a certain skin color, and give a reaction that says "hands off". For me, it's your behavior - no matter what color you are that will make me give that "hands-off" reaction. Why are so many people lacking in doing the same? Especially in the LGBT community? You would think we all would know better after all the stereotyping we must endure by right-wingers in the straight community. But by the behaviors that I have pointed out, all of us obviously don't know better. Which only contributes to gays being their own worst enemy.

All that I've said thus far of my journey to be free of racism, the same journey should be done by anyone of any color. So why are we still struggling with racist attitudes in this country?

It's because you're lazy. Too lazy to put in the work on yourself to find out what made you have that limiting attraction. A limiting attraction that could make you miss out on not only having a phenomenal sex partner, but more importantly, finding your best friend, or way more importantly, the love of your life. If you work on finding the source of what made you have that limiting attraction, then you can undo it to where that attraction will no longer be so limiting.

It may seem cynical, but it's true when I say that many gay men who claim to have found the love of their life might have only found an illusion because they let narcissism rule their judgement where they seek out someone who looks like themselves. The same musculature, the same tan, someone they can share clothes with like straight girl friends. Then when the boredom of that kicks in, the relationship is over. Problem is most go for the same guy for their next long-term relationship, which is why so many end up old and alone. And with a narcissistic attitude, it may seem cruel to say, but -----it is what you deserve.

My goal with this post is to reach those who do want that love of their life, those who do want that intellectually stimulating platonic friend, but may never find it because of their perceptions based on the color of one's skin. I would like to share the knowledge I've gained with you all, because I now see that with my newly open-minded view, I have such a better chance of finding those friends and lovers. I presently have them as friends, and welcome more all the time. Now, the only position I need to fill is the love of my life. And I'm so proud of myself for now being able to say that whatever his color or ethnicity he may be, it will not surprise me.

Can you say the same? If you can't, then you need to check yourself before you wreck yourself. An old saying, I know - but more than a little fitting.


  1. Once again your continued insight and personal maturity makes sense. I admire the way you address your previous attitudes while overcoming them. Kudos, now how about ageism? Oh, I'm not talking about an 18 year old not finding an 80 year old attractive, but people say in their 20's through 50's that look good and are in good shape, but still have a problem with a number. I'm curious on your take on another type of discrimination.

  2. After reading this I completely understand what you are trying to say and it is so true. I am a white male that has grown up in the south, the way we look at things here are still there, I myself date and have been with my lover for 2 years and he is black. There is so many guys here that are on the down low, black guys especially. I doin't mind , but as I was growning up and in school people(white) looked very down on people that had interracial relationships. I grew up knowing I was gay, but I had to cover it up cause so many looked at gay people really negatively and I was kind of nerdy in a way, so I got picked on enough. The majority of the friends I had where black, and they where really good friends, and sexy. But I had to cover up so much as I was growing up. We all have stories like these, I do believe. I believe as a species we are interrested in others hence we use the words "open".We as people want to learn about and understand other cultures, that is what I think though. It was taboo as was growing up, but in my heart I am interrested in all cultures, but black men has always been my forte'. I have been with my share of white men, doin't get me wrong liked, but was really boring. I do believe this world is growing together, interrested whats going in other places, and interrested inother cultures, and hopefully we can use the words as "open" as a positive thing.

  3. Reading your blog failed to reveal anything censurable by The Advocate, since it's basic premise is to bring to one's consciousness, such mindsets that encourage a blanket dismissal of desirable guys simply because he is of a certain ethnicity/nationality.

    For one, I am guilty of this discriminatory behavior, and in so being have excluded some quite desirable, downright erotic, and sensual Asians, East Indians, Middle Easterners, etc., much to my hindsight and regret.

    Whenever, I have done this, and stopped to analyze why I passed up on a promising liaison, it has always shown its genesis in what I have been taught to feel about their nationalities; then when I find these said nationalities returning the favor in my direction, and I begin to question their reactions, eventually it becomes obvious that my negative sentiment towards them showed itself strongly that as defense mechanisms, they express their abhorrence of me even before I show mine towards them.

    And whenever I exorcise these thoughts totally from my non-verbal features, their responses to me is very positive and satisfying.

    Therefore, I personally found nothing offensive about your opinion.

    In answering your question, 'their's nothing wrong with you.'


I HIGHLY respect those willing to stand behind their comments with a name. So if you use "Anonymous" on a viewpoint that challenges mine, IT WILL BE DELETED. For your cowardice to not show yourself makes your viewpoint and you irrelevant.

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