Tuesday, November 16, 2010

Tré Xavier - Emotional Soldier or Coward?

A few months ago, I met a guy at a bar who I've made out with a couple of times. The making out was one of those intense sessions that make you wonder if there being something more to explore further is the reason for the intensity. So after our second run-in, when leaving the bar, he took my phone number. From there, we walked to the train station together. Before you ask, there was no intention of going home together that night. We just left together and rode the train together, that's all.

I notice that in most of these situations, that while I always think of myself as quiet, but in actuality, I'm the one who carries the conversation, and has to show courtesy and let the other person talk about himself. However, when I feel like I'm talking too much, and "hand over the mic", the other guy doesn't have much to say about himself. My thought is that I either told too much too soon, OR he has something to hide that he will probably spring on me after he feels that he's got me where I won't leave after hearing the news. This is what I've always called "emotional entrapment".

Well, we seemed to have a pretty good conversation. Very honest with each other. I did tell about my porn past, and how it contributed to the start of my blogging, along with my desire and present moves to take the "Tré Xavier" persona beyond porn. Then he dropped a bombshell question. It's wasn't a bombshell question to me as if it was a shocking question, but I felt he might not understand my answer like he seemed to understasnd all the other decision I've made for my life thus far.

He asked me what was the longest relationship I ever had. Once again, I told him the truth, even though I felt that he probably wouldn't be able to wrap his head around it. And I was right.

I told him that the longest I've been involved with a guy is a month, with the reason being that I have a knack for seeing that while no one is perfect, I am able to see the habit that they have that I CANNOT and SHOULD NOT live with within a month's time. And the main flaw I seem to draw is a guy being an emotional coward, which I seem to have drawn a couple of truck loads of in my life so far. I used my history with guys who text and email when they should actually talk as an example, while I was as emotinally open with them, as I was with him that very night, with the only technology used (if any) was TALKING on a telephone.

His reply was that for me to be out as long as I have, and not have a serious relatrionship made ME the emotional coward. Considering how much soul searching I do with myself to be the man that I am, his so-called assessment no doubt pissed me the fuck off.

I thought to myself, "I'm not William! I'm not Sam! I'm not Danny! I'm not Igor! With the list of names going the fuck on and on! I'm not popping a pill to help my so-callled chemical imbalance, when the truth is I'm just a chicken-shit about life! I'm not smoking on any pipe to escape my troubles and shame of the person that I am! Why?! Because I am neither of those things! I am not a chicken-shit about my life's hardships that I need a pill to numb me! Nor am I trying to escape my trials of life as a human being or that for being a gay man like the many addicts are out here doing!"

Rather than go off yelling that on the subway train, I maintained my calm. I told him that if I've been blessed to see those signs that there's no long-term future, why should I put up with the person? I'm not so desperate to appear to the world that I have someone that I'm willing to settle for less. And more importantly, I refuse to settle. So when I find someone who can make it beyond a month, I'm not going to jump the gun and start picking out house furnishings. I'm going to just take things to the next step. If that means a relationship, then I'll become a taken man, and thank God for making me so. If not, then I'll except the challenge fate has given me to continue on with my single life.

Unfortunately, his stop came soon after I said my peace. Since he had my phone number, if he wanted to continue this discussion, he could have shown the bravery and done so. But I have yet to hear from him. Hence why we can now add Brian from Washington to that list. For, if I'm willing to make my stands on this matter clear by furthering this discussion, yet he refuses to use the tools to do so when the power is in his hands, then who is really the emotional coward here?

That's what I thought.

They say opposites attract, which explains why an emotional soldier (I guess you could call me) draws in emotional cowards even for a couple of nights who want to feed off my bravery like a leech so they can get up the nerve to call me the coward that they refuse to acknowledge they actually are.

1 comment:

  1. I might not be as quick to see signs like you are... sometimes it takes a couple of months..I applaud your stand on being honest. I wish more people were as true when talking about what they feel or where they have been. I got out of a year and half relationship last spring and now I see all that I don't want or need in a partner. So I can agree and relate on not settling. It's nice to hear your voice out there in the world that says things that I often think. I also 100% agree about the texting!


I HIGHLY respect those willing to stand behind their comments with a name. So if you use "Anonymous" on a viewpoint that challenges mine, IT WILL BE DELETED. For your cowardice to not show yourself makes your viewpoint and you irrelevant.

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