The last time I was physically violent with someone was in my freshman of high school. And even that was not as severe as what happened last Wednesday night. So it has been about 23 years since I allowed myself to be provoked to retaliate with physical violence. And that physical violence is not "ghetto" behavior as S. Sparling would like to access for his own racist justification. It was a human reaction. Because to whatever capacity our time together showed us to be, whether it was strictly sexual, strictly platonic, or a mix of both, a trust was being established between us that allowed me to feel that a word like "nigger" would never come from his lips directed at me, no matter what differences we had along the way.
My questions to myself are (1)What made me lose it so that I actually slapped him? And (2)who else besides him was I slapping when my hand hit his face?
As a writer, I taught myself to live by the saying "Stick and stones, can break my bones, but names will never hurt me." It was my way of building immunity to my own weapon that you've seen me use so often during the 3 1/2 years of me blogging - words. So what was so different that I reacted this time? It was because I've been called so many things in my life that nothing much can phase me now. BUT I have never, ever been called "nigger" by a White person before. In some White people's actions maybe, but not the actual word emitted from their racist lips. So I've concluded that to be the reason why I lost it so much that I slapped him.
As for who else was I slapping, that's easy to answer. Like I just said, some White people's actions say the word, "nigger", that's who else I was slapping. Such as:
I was slapping every porn studio head whose actions say the word, "nigger" as they overlook medium to dark-complexioned Black models by sticking to their "Whites and light-complexions only" rule or due to the recession are just now treating darker-complexions as marketable, or use them to practice tokenism.
I was also slapping every club and bar owner, and party promoter in New York City that have a mixed patronage, but never hire Black go-go boys and bar staff, and when they do, once again - it's tokenism, because such an actions also say the word, "nigger".
And lastly, I was slapping every Pierre Fitch-like faggoty queen I've encountered who says White skin feels better. Because such a statement also says the word, "nigger".
So in short, when I slapped S. Sparling, he was taking one for the racist team he showed himself to belong to. I wonder does he think it was worth it? Does he realize what he's done? And with that much rage behind that slap, plus all the other garbage I've been put through in those 23 years that I didn't but wanted to react violently to, I also wonder does he have a mark to remind him of that night? If so, I won't say it's a job well-done, but I will say he got what he deserved.
After he finally caught up to me, he seemed to be trying to sneak-attack me. Good luck with that since he was wearing flip-flops. He said he was going to call 9-1-1.
My response, "Feel free." And I kept walking, as he appeared to be telling an operator that I was walking real fast, and trying to get away from him. Partial lie, because I walk fast naturally. But I was trying to get away from him, because that was the reason I walked away so quickly after slapping him. I knew that if I stayed near him, I was going to hit him again, once again at any given second, and it wasn't going to be a slap next time. And with that much rage already unleashed by a slap that he claimed to cause a ringing in his ear, what would happen from the impact of me punching him? MAJOR DAMAGE that I would rather not put into words here. So YES, I did need to get away from him.
He was to some degree aware of this, as he kept trying to bait me into hitting him. He insulted my blog, insulted my being in porn calling it "disgusting", yet he wanted in especially when I told him of my possible deal with FlavaWorks. Once I informed him of how I ended talks on that deal, that's when he started stepping back from me. The problem with these new verbal attacks from him is that they were the verbal attacks that I for years taught myself to be immune to, so he's already said the worst he could say to me, and he paid the price for it with that slap across the face. If I was an unstable someone else, maybe he'd get the suicide beating he seemed to be craving by shooting off at the mouth.
Anyway, it was becoming obvious even before that night of how he was a user. There's an ex-boyfriend of his who is also a fuck-buddy AND is 23 years older than him. Once he told he that his father was physically abusive to him it became apparent that this ex was the product of an ongoing daddy-complex. You see, this ex gets him in free to places, including the sex party where I met him. And I guess, the fuck-buddy deal is payment. So while he tried to insult porn, he's a hypocrite by prostituting. And that's the only reason he goes to these places is because he's getting that free ride. That's also why he agreed to come to DRIP with me, because there was no cover charge, and he came to the Seven Deadly Sins:Pride party, because I was on a comp guestlist. As all these things started coming to light, I had to keep him near to learn was I on the right track in concluding the worst about him. And with that word coming from his lips, I had no idea how ugly he really is inside that is sure to make it's way on the outside, as racism always does.
What was worse was to discover that this guy was a stereotypical White person. And my most loyal readers know how much I loathe stereotypical people of any race or nationality. He accused me of being pretentious, arrogant, and acting like I know-it-all, YET his attempt to lecture me shows him to be all those things. And the reason why is because as a stereotypical White person, he tries to live his life believing he's superior because he's "educated". To squash that delusion of grandeur I have 1 name for you - George W. Bush. He's what would be considered "educated", but if he was so intelligent by way of that education, President Barack Obama would not be stuck having to clean up the mess that George W. Bush made over those 8 years he was in office.
To think back that I allowed a stereotypical White person to eat my ass, I now wish I hadn't douched, took a laxative, and force fed him my shit. Especially since I know he isn't into scat. It would have been a stinky dish he well-deserved to be fed.
This guy's life is riddled with people connected to him out of his negative issues. He also claims to have another ex that is stalking him. I've always been able to see things from all sides of a situation. Even if I don't agree with how they handle it, I at least understand their motivation. According to Sparling, in the case of this ex, this ex often accused him of cheating during (if I remember correctly) the 4-year tenure of their relationship with Sparling claiming he was falsely accused. Well, sad to say, but I may have to believe the ex might have been on to something. You see, Sparling has told me (paraphrasing), "I'm a slut, and I know it, so I can't do relationships."
Well, if Sparling is a slut who by his own admittance can't maintain a monogamous relationship because of his slutiness, is it not safe to surmise that he did actually cheat as his ex accused him of doing. I brought this up to show how according to Sparling, once again, it's the other guy's fault, and in his warped mind, he did nothing wrong to provoke negative behavior.
But while my feeling is S. Sparling's not worth it, kick him to the curb and move on, I very much understand (if this tale is true) the ex's point of view as to why he would obsess. Just as that night I came to the conclusion of how my 1 month of getting to know Steven was wasted, this ex is probably feeling his time was wasted on a more emotional level over the much longer length of time of 48 months = 4 years. Once realizing that, the ex obsessing may not be correct, but it is understandable.
Sparling puts himself in these fixes, and the only ones unaware of that side of him are people who he isn't trying to use. I actually feel sorry that he lives his life that way. Sparling has a life full of illusions of love ahead of him, with the real thing far from his grasp.
While enraged by that word, I still feel pity for him. That odd combination makes me proud that I slapped him, and sorry that confronting his ignorant ways came to that, all at the same time. But as they say, "every dark cloud has a silver lining", and I'm looking at the many silver linings in this cloud, such as for starters, Steven Sparling is dead to me, because just like any other racist, he is not worth existing in my life.
So as I move ever upward, I cheer, EXCELSIOR!!!!
Monday, July 13, 2009
Sex, Then Violence Resurrection, Part 2
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What an interesting blog entry. I think I found the following to be the most interesting comment/sentence in the whole thing:
"And the reason why is because as a stereotypical White person, he tries to live his life believing he's superior because he's "educated"."
The reason being, because I am a white guy, who has been through the education system... but who really can't identify with that comment.
The person you describe was living his live thinking he's superior. That may be because he's had a formal education, but as you and I both know, there's more than one way to educate a person. Perhaps that formal education gave him his way of thinking, but I would sincerely like to hope it didn't.
Infact, for my money, I'd actually wager that it's uneducated people who display the greatest racism in the mainstream USA.
But, if I may subtly adjust your comment, and offer a possible way to reconcile your views, with my play on them...
it's the educated RACIST who is better at disguising his racism as tolerance... making it all the more shocking when it eventually reveals itself.
What do you think? Might that be a better description of the situation... or am I on the wrong limb? I really would like to know what you think.
To be honest, while I appreciate you effort, the truth is I dn't care much for your statement. The reason being is because I beg to differ with the defintion of the term "educated".ReplyDelete
The term "educated" was originated by stereotypcial White people, and used more so to solely be defined book-smarts. It is a term used throughout history to enable the bigotry of those stereotypical Whites to feel superior to those minorities who while not having a higher education, show they have a superior intellect by way of their knowledge of life overall.
I may be such a minority. As you have come to like my blog for my displays of intellect on life matters, I am proud to admit that all I have is a high-school education. With that combination, making me still well-read and well-versed are abilities which I'm sure is why I irk the nerves of many stereotypical Whites.
Knowledge of the world around you is how one is able to hide their racism well. Therefore, one can be either "educated" or "uneducated" as they display the greatest racism in mainstream USA. However, all it takes is a highly passionate moment for that mask to come off, and let the true self be shown. Hence what happened with the person in my conflict. So don't wager your money, because you are sure to lose.
In short, pride yourself on BOTH book-smarts and life-smarts. Keeping that in mind, my statement should not be one that you can't identify with as you stated. The reason being that I have friends who like you are both White and have been through the higher education system, and we have discussed this matter enough that I know for a fact that they understand such a statement from me and agree with me.
Thanks for responding, Tré.ReplyDelete
I also appreciate your response... and really would like to make it known that I write not in a confrontational way, but more of a verbal 'thought process'. I mention my education - but it's in chemistry... which makes me about as educated on these subjects as the coffee cup on the desk.
I guess, I was concerned as being typeset as a 'typical white educated male' when I really don't think I am. If I am (and it's not for me to judge), then I am one with a great desire not to be. Which is one of the reasons I come to your blog... to learn.
I mentioned in a comment some time ago that I am not American - I grew up in New Zealand... not renowned for its racial diversity. It does have a social reputation of trying to treat everyone identically. We grow up with the very strong opinion that you are no better than me, and I am no better than you, regardless of weather you are the Prime Minister, a police officer, or a street vendor. I am proud, for example, to list my parents among NZ's least 'book educated' people - they didn't even finish high school, but managed to go on to run businesses. For my view, there is no stigma in having no formal education. There are literally thousands of people with higher education who can't change a tire, or engage in the kind of conversation we are having. Being educated doesn't make you superior in the slightest.
As I said, that was just one comment in that blog posting which really made me think... and as I did, I wrote them down in the comment above. With blogging, I think it's important to give the feedback to the author - almost as appreciation for the thoughts it's given you.
I really value your opinions, Tré, and am glad to be having this discussion. As much as I know it would never happen - I wish I was doing this over a beer with you. ;)
I know and am glad that your comment was in a non-confrontational way. If my reply seemed to take it as such, my apologies.
With the history of slavery, the idea of being "educated" as a means to being superior is definitely an American perception. And I enjoy surrounding myself with those who don't follow too many American perceptions.
Due to this conflict, and things said to me by this person before this conflict, I have been considering doing a piece about how some Whites are open-minded enough to learn of a Black person's trials in this country while other Whites are not so open-minded. For being one of those so open-minded, I do wish that we could sit and have many a discussion. Because that is the open-mindedness that has made me have the White friends I have right now. Maybe fate will smile upon me and you one day to make that happen in a face-to-face meeting, instead of just online. Because when it comes to intellgent friends, the more the merrier.
Phew! I was concerned that I'd managed to offend initially - Not being American, and having limited contact with Americans of either white or African background, I find this tricky ground to breach... mostly because I know of the emotions it raises, and am really uncertain of how to voice things in a sufficiently sensitive way.
I would really enjoy reading your future post on that open mindedness. I've recently found myself reading a lot about the history of African American people - I really recommend 'Rough Crossings', by Simon Schama, by the way - for reasons I just don't know.
I actually only recently found your blog, and have retrospectively read, and replied to, several of your earlier blog entries... which may have put my first comment into perspective.
I can't change my parents, or where I was raised. But I can sure-as-heck learn more, which is why I read blogs like yours.
I'm a soon to be 65 year old white man who has lived in a black community since 1974. I have been incensed by black-produced videos which continually use "nigger" and other similar words.
Not to excuse "white" people using the word, it is also inexcusable to allow others who are not "white" to use those words.
We all need to excise that word from our vocabularies and our thoughts. It is poisonous.
Years ago, I put my straight white friends on point. I would not accept the word. Thirty-five years later, they also never not only use the word but also embrace "blacks" and others in our community. My dearest straight friend recently referred to our President as HIS black President at a suburban party. The stupid criticism stopped.
If you are implying that I myself should not use that word, you are totally in the wrong. For one, I am not like these ethnic-porn producers (who might I add are mostly White) trying to play as if they are using that word in a positive light. I am using it as a word to describe negative behavior from my fellow Black people who unlike me keep alive the negative stigma associated with Blacks. A White person can never use the word "nigger" in that way, and any White person with any degree of humanity AND intellect knows that. The history of that word from a White person's lips is too much an extreme of negativity that the closest they can come to a synonym is the word, "ghetto". And had this guy left it at the word "ghetto", while annoyed, I would not have resorted to physical violence. As much as I try not to see color, I didn't see this person's color until he used that word. Before he said that word to me, I saw him as a PERSON long before I saw him as a WHITE person. But once that word left his lips, he was no longer a person. Not even a human being. He then became this WHITE RACIST THING. That needed to be stopped.