Possibility of Becoming The Other Man?

My next podcast will address the possibility of becoming "the other man". Has this situation ever happened to you?

If so, did you give in? And if you gave in, how did things turn out? Are you with this person now, or did it end and end badly?

Answer here or in the comments section.

Banned From The Sex @ 30 Lex

I have mentioned in past blog posts that I was a volunteer at a sex party. But if you recall, I never went into much detail for promoting its actions at length in blog posts like I have with the NY Jock Party, Milk Chocolate NYC Party, and the now ended Hot Jock Party. That sex party that I didn't say much about was then called Olympus, later became Testosterone, and now called Inferno held at 30 Lexington Avenue. The reason I never promoted it was because it was inspiring blog posts about wrongs done at sex parties ----by the host. Namely "Sex Party Etiquette: No Lying Hosts, No Bigoted Patrons" and "Blackout Room = Troll Central Station".

A couple of months ago, I volunteered at the party while it was still called "Testosterone". This was my last time there.

I did the usual job of monitoring the bathroom. When I arrived, I relieved the volunteer who was there at the time, and stood there. After about 30 minutes, the party's floor manager noticed how long I was there, and asked if I wanted to be relieved. I told him I was fine staying there. While standing there a tall, slim, tanned guy came over and we started making out while I was still at the post. As we talked, it turned out his tanned skin in that dark was because he was Italian. He wanted to play with me more in the playroom, but while hoping he wouldn't leave before I had the chance to, I told him I was working. Then about another 15 minutes later, the floor manager came around again, asking if I wanted to be relieved. This time, I told him I did. This made it an entire 45 minutes without a break.

The reason I allowed it to be so long before having a break was so that when I did get a break, I would have a nice long amount of playtime in return. Once the volunteer I relieved came back to resume the post, I went to go play. Luckily, my Italian playmate from before was still there, and I topped him as he laid on his stomach. Once my dick was in his ass, I found myself fucking him like a savage banging against his soft ass cheeks. Then I slowed down, laid on top of him, grinding in his hole to make sure I didn't come too soon. Surprisingly, I didn't with his soft ass underneath me turning me on. Then I picked up speed again, then slowed down again. This back and forth went on for about 15 minutes, with him jerking off and cumming during the last 2 minutes.

I then got on the line for the bathroom to wash off with intentions of going back to play with whomever might be hot in the room. While I was on the line, The volunteer I relieved told me that when I was done in the bathroom, to come back to the post because he wanted to get fucked. I felt this was unfair considering how much time I already allowed him. And in the past, while at that post, I have topped guys and been topped from behind while doing that simple job of telling guys, "One at a time".

To avoid lashing out at the unfairness of this volunteer, I never responded to his request, and went back to playing as I originally planned. The problem that occurred was that the volunteer took it for granted that I was going to do what he asked, and he went off to play as well, which left the bathroom unsupervised. The owner came with an attitude requesting BOTH me and the other volunteer. Even the floor manager said to the host/owner right in front of me how I was standing at the post for such a long time.

My feeling with the owner's attitude was "How dare he?!"

How dare he have an attitude when he's hosting a party where he sends out emails promising all these hot guys, and the few hot guys who come in will fuck once, or not at all, and then jet out the door. I know this because I've been those hot guys' one fuck, and missed out on getting their info. Just like that night. All because the majority of guys are out-of-shape and won't take "No" for an answer. Some out-of-shape to the point of looking like the X-Men nemesis, Blob. OR having White guys with their attitude of "White Entitlement" giving me attitude and rushing past me when I tell them the rule for the bathroom of "One at a time". I say "White Entitlement" because while patrons who are Black and other ethnicities are also annoyed by the rule, they hardly (if ever) gave me a problem like pushing pass me like the White ones have. 

All this, plus the owner's attitude with this incident, I decided I was done volunteering.

One day, I came across a blog listing all the sex parties in the city called "Adventures in Group Sex". With the listings, it also gives reviews. When I saw its review of Testosterone, it was so on point that as a writer, since I had quit over being done lying to myself of the vibe getting any better, I felt the need to let the truth come out to some degree. So I wrote this comment:

LeNair Xavier said...

I used to volunteer at the TESTOSTERONE (formerly OLYMPUS) party, and I agree with all too much with what you've said about it. Hence why I have never wrote a post on my blog to promote it. Unlike MILK CHOCOLATE NYC party which I've dedicated a whole category to. Nor do I write much telling of what I've seen or done at TESTOSTERONE except to post it in my "Sex Party Etiquette" category because someone fucks up. And it's usually one of those old,aggressive, out-of-shape guys that you mentioned in your review.

September 10, 2011 7:57 PM

Well, recently I discovered that I was banned not just from the party Testosterone---but the entire space. 

After I confronted Testosterone's host/owner of the space as to why I was banned, he said that my comment on "Adventures in Group Sex" was the reason why. Which I will not argue is understandable. So as far as any fair-minded person should be concerned, banning me from his party is fine. Besides, like I said before, I had already banned myself anyway from his party after that incident. Banning me from the space however, just shows how he can't accept the truth of his greed. Greed that will become more evident later.

I was pissed to learn of being banned. Not because of the being banned itself. But because of how I learned of it. You see, I didn't hear this from the host/owner himself. Someone else who holds a party there that I'm cool with is the one who informed me. This person has no place in a situation between me and that host/owner. So I was pissed to see someone not involved in our differences brought into the situation to be the host/owner's messenger pigeon. My feeling is that the host/owner could have sent a message or called me directly without involving this other person. If this other person was to learn of my not being able to come to the space, let him know after the host/owner was man enough to tell me himself. Just as I would have told the host/owner that I was no longer attending his parties after that last incident with the volunteer. That is, had I still been receiving emails since that night, but I wasn't. So I was under no obligation to tell of my no longer wanting to attend his party. But since it is his party, and his space, he is obligated to tell who he wants there without involving an outside unknowing party.

I like being proud of what I do and what I am a part of, and I use this blog to celebrate those things. And since I never said much about that party on this blog, I obviously wasn't that proud of it. So with hindsight being 20/20, my writing that comment on "Adventures in Group Sex" was actually not so much about me lessening my guilt over being involved with a party with false advertising about the patrons' physical requirements. It was subconsciously, my way of banning myself because of the party's dual advertising.

This is where the host/owner's greed gets worse.

For you see, there was something that I was going to tell in that comment on "Adventures in Group Sex" that I didn't. Instead, I took the road of saying "the party patrons are adults, so I'll let them see for themselves." But the fact is, I hate sitting on information that could help one's decision beforehand, when discovering it later can ruin a good time.

That something is that the party is advertised on different hook-up sites under 2 different names. Not such a big deal until you get ALL the details. The website I learned of the party by the name "Olympus" was on a general hook-up website. After discussing sex parties with a friend of mine, he was talking about a sex party happening on the same day of the week for barebackers called "Raw Pork". As the conversation progressed, it went from being that not only was the day of the week in common with the party I was volunteering at. But so was the start and end time, then finally the address. So I started a profile on the barebacking hook-up site my friend learned of the party from, and there along with the name "Raw Pork" was the same profile pic and screenname the host/owner used on the other site that I learned of the party by the name, "Olympus".

While I have long said that I am all for the freedom of choice when it comes to barebacking, this marketing always bothered me. Not so much for those who found the party the way I did, on a general hook-up site. Because in those cases, you're prone to run into someone who barebacks while you don't. BUT what about the hardcore barebacker who knows of the party ONLY from the barebacking hook-up site?

To have a better understanding of my past dilemma, look at this scenario that may or may not have already happened there:


You learned of the party from a barebacking hook-up site. You are totally unaware that the party has been advertised elsewhere under another name, and if it was, with the only name you know being "Raw Pork", you're expecting all patrons to be barebackers like yourself. So if you meet someone at the party who unbeknownst to you learned of the same party under a different name, and they are just as hardcore about condom use as you are about barebacking, (be he a top or bottom) when he demands use of a condom, you're going to be standing there thinking, "This is a barebacking party, so what you fuck are you doing here?"


And his reply might be, "Excuse me?! But where did you hear this?!"


From this point, this moment can go from being awkward to possibly hostile.


While wrestling with this, you might be wondering, why did I stay there as a volunteer for so long? Well, I never said I was perfect. I do try to be close, but even in my attempts, I sometimes falter like everyone else. Sometimes finding myself bought off by the most common in payments for one's silence ever since the dawn of mankind. In this case, by my being a volunteer that age-old payment was ---FREE SEX.


The thing about free sex as a payment is that it has an expiration date that makes you need to move on, and sometimes come clean. Whether it's because you're tired of the person, or your conscience is tired of taking a backseat every time you consider venturing to a certain place, as it was in this situation.


I'm not crying over being banned. Not at all. Sex parties are not my life. If they were my life, I wouldn't have spent so many weeks away before that incident at Testosterone happened. I had a great sex life before going to sex parties, and I will continue to do so no matter how many I do or do not attend.


None of the emails I received while volunteering never mentioned the party, "Raw Pork". And at last check before writing this post, the general hook-up sites posting of the party is more honest than before about its patronage. However, it still makes no mention of the bareback party, "Raw Pork", not even as a separate posting on that general hook-up site.


So the final question one may ask is: Is this post one written out of vengeance? Victor Hoff of MOC Blog has often said that I use my blog and comments for score-settling. Truth be told, what writer doesn't? Part of any human being's settling the score is by venting, either publicly or privately. And that would apply even more so to a writer as they often do it publicly. However, I let Karma be my vindicator. So a post like this is my way of settling the score ---by making one aware of what they've done to send Karma their way. Also, I hate the idea of anyone being unnecessarily hostile at not just a sex party, but any party.


So when you put it all together, my venting in this blog post is 1 part - score settling, 1 part - confession, and 1 part - prevention. Because if you want to go to this guy's party, I could care less. Feel free. But at least by all that I've told here, if you didn't know before like I did when I signed on as a volunteer, you now know what you're getting into, and won't be flying blind.

Deeper Moaned: The Dirty Word Report - Part 2

With the racism affecting so many place especially within the gay community, at "Saying The Dirty Word....LIVE!", we weren't able to cover every facet of where racism is displayed as much as I wanted to.

One thing I didn't get to explore as much as I would have liked was online hook-ups and dating. I did get to say one part of what I wanted to say on the matter with gays always using the excuse "it's just a preference" when they say, "No ______", and fill in the blank with the name of a certain race. What I said was in the same vein of a comment I made recently on Facebook replying to another comment to mutual Facebook friend's status update about racism. I had to call this person out on his ignorance on how he was living in denial of his own racism. I pretty much told him that we all have a preference, but to make yourself blind to the sexual beauty of a race to the point of TOTALLY writing them off by saying "No _______s" is an act of racism. No "if"s "and"s or "but"s about it.

And if you've followed me for any length of time, then you know that I've had to overcome my racism towards other Black males. And based on the overcompensating dominating behavior that I pointed out in Part 1, it is still an issue I struggle with. However, I do know that there are some decent Black males out there just like with any other ethnicity, and I am more and more making myself open to trysts and maybe even romances with them. So I know from what I speak on this issue.

Another thing that I didn't get to tap as much into as I would have liked is about how gay media perpetuates the idea that Whites are the all-knowledgeable and all-beautiful of our community. With photographers who instead of diversifying, instead follow suit by making Whites and those of light-complexions their main photo subjects. This is what I hinted at in Part 1 that if allotted the time, I would have explored further because of Dennis Chin's great point.

Gay media, which is mostly run by Whites, acts as if minorities' place is to be followers, and never rise much beyond that position. This is a point I once brought forth in an exchange with The Advocate's Editor-In-Chief, Matthew Breen. He tried to smooth it over to say that in one of the magazine's issue presenting a list that Blacks were included. This was NOT acceptable to me, and it shouldn't be to you either.

Because as I responded, I want to know when is a Black going to be shown as a great enough member of the LGBT community to not be thrown in a pile, but instead be the cover story of a magazine like The Advocate, Instinct, or Out for their great contributions? Or when is Logo going to tap a person of color to become the sole host of a show that shows their knowledge about sex, life, and/or love? More specifically, one of medium to dark-complexion, instead of the light-complexions they use to simultaneously not "mess up" the light color scheme too much and try to avoid a much deserved charge of racism. For we too have the knowledge, but these media outlets refuse to let us shine fully, so they give us micro-seconds of spotlight flashes instead.

Instinct Magazine tried to give me attitude via Twitter when I made this charge at them by saying they do give people of color praise. Sure. They gave me this attitude when their cover model was Rodiney Santiago of the most negative gay stereotyping show on television, "The A-List: New York" AND when you can easily go to the photo album of their Facebook page and see their minimal number of Black cover models.

The racists are out there sending letters and writing emails to the powers-that-be with the hopes of keeping their racist imagery alive. If you are a person of color, how dare you complain about how wrong the powers-that-be are for not representing you (in a good light, if at all) when you've made no attempt to contact the powers-that-be, but instead all you've done is sit in a corner and moan to yourself? If you want to see that long overdue change, then write your letters, write your emails, don't go to their events, and write letters and emails telling them why they're unfit to have your dollars.

And if you feel one or more of my blog posts on the matter of racism says what you want to say, then feel free to flood their mailboxes with forwarded emails and printed out copies. Let's bring the narrow-minds and racist trash that is heading gay media into the present day. A present day where ALL ethnicities, colors, and shades are to be represented in what they do. Or else, see their supposed empires crumble by our lack of support, as many try lying to themselves that they are not. Because for their dismissal and ignoring our presence, Karma has made them rightfully on the brink of that crumbling.

And call me "sadistic", but I feel no mercy for them.

To be honest, I was disappointed by the turnout at "Saying The Dirty Word....LIVE!". It was a nice number for that size room, but considering how widespread a problem this is in our community, that room should have been filled to the point of it being a fire hazard and beyond. So this makes me ask, 'Why did people stay away?' Was it because you were worried about your racially insensitive friends calling you "angry"?

When I was first approached about doing "Saying The Dirty Word....LIVE!", I was asked to bring others into it. Well, I don't know any porn actors to bring in it because they have an "every man for himself" mentality - and I use the term "man" loosely because of that mindset. And as far as bloggers go, I parted ways with a White one for being racially insensitive enough to call me "angry", and the Black bloggers I know don't deal with the issue enough (if at all) on their blog for me to consider them allies in this effort. It's as if they keep their blog's heart light so they can keep peace with White.

The problem is I know so many of us have experienced racism or seem it in one form or another that few who live in NYC have good excuses for not being there. And if you can answer "yes" to any of the aforementioned scenarios as to what kept you away, then you need  to grow up. You need to STOP acting like you're still in high school caving in to "peer pressure". Because before you know it, Karma is going to have you, the racists, and those catering to the racist mindset being either that lonely old man trying to get some young and beautiful tail that justifiably doesn't want you back as you sit lurking in the dark corner a bar or club, or searching on Rentboy, RentMen, etc. With the only reason you're free to be yourself being because the "friend(s)" you were so busy pleasing before, you either had a falling out with, they moved away, or died. OR you'll be stuck in a relationship founded on your racism that you'll be miserable in. Either way, by then, it's too little, too late. And justifiably so, no one should give a damn about your well-deserved, self-imposed prison of loneliness. If you think I'm wrong about your foreseeable future, you'll be the one wrong. After all, there's a reason I'm 40 going on 41, ....and don't look it. So I strongly advise you to get your shit together.

The reason people of color are given such minimal exposure in any of these situations, be it porn, nightlife, media, etc. is the modern-day "slave owner" mentality that is meant for us people of color to feel powerless. And from what I see, pathetically most people of color have adopted the mindset of  weakness, "if you can't beat 'em, join 'em". Hence why some of my fellow people of color are quick to join light-complexioned races in calling me "angry". The truth is the opposite is the case, and we all need to start taking advantage of our power if this is at all going to change.

"Saying The Dirty Word...LIVE!" was one way. This blog and others like it are another. What's your way?

Deeper Said: The Dirty Word Report - Part 1

On Friday, November 4th, I moderated the event presented by Men of All Colors Together/NY called "Saying The Dirty Word...LIVE!" at the LGBT Center in NYC to discuss the present state of racism in the LGBT community.

I began the discussion by focusing on the racism we see in gay porn. One of the many highlights of my night happened early on when I mentioned the scapegoating porn studios try to use for not hiring Black porn models. As an example, I used a quote by Michael Lucas' from the Next Magazine article "White Cock Only". Before even reading that quote of his, the moment I mentioned his name, a room full of various ethnicities (Black, White, Asian, and Latino) made a sigh in unison of "UGHHHH!!!". Hear for yourself in this soundbyte from my audio recording of the evening:

I almost peed my pants trying to hold back laughter over the shock. But since I was the moderator, I did my duty maintaining my composure and carried on. Bringing up the point of how he's so quick to point the finger at Blacks claiming we're homophobic, yet he's quick to hire Whites and Latinos who claim to be "gay-for-pay", which is just internalized homophobia using money as an excuse to release their true gay or bisexual selves.

What Lucas and many other studios fail to realize is that some of us are not naive like the sell-out Whites, Latinos, Blacks, etc. who buy their half-assed excuses. Because what I see is this - you can wave money in the face of a White or Latino from upper-class to trailer trash, and the rules of their cultures will let them sell out their orientation for a buck way easier than Blacks,who while some may live life on the "down-low", it's only the ghetto trash of those Blacks who are going to be dumb enough to put their internalized homophobia on display by getting in front of a camera. So this is not Blacks being more homophobic. It's Blacks being (in a way) more intelligent about not making their lying to themselves so public, then making excuses with their panties in a bunch as they try explaining sexual behavior that greatly contradicts their claimed orientation, like White and Latino "gay-for-pay" porn actors do. Do the names Jeremy Bilding, Wolf Hudson, and Reese Rideout, just to name a few ring any bells?

Maybe rapes of both Black women and men during slavery is probably to blame for Black males taking such a position about guarding their sexual orientation. If so, then that's the silver lining in the dark cloud in our nation's history that is Slavery.

Those rapes of Black males by White slave owners may also be the cause of a mindset passed down through generations of the uber-masculine routine that some Black males do, especially towards Whites, and muscular physiques some Black males feel they must build for acceptance by Whites. With Whites cowering down to it out of White guilt for either their present wealth, sins of their forefathers, or a combination of both. Be it in porn or real life, while I've overcome my racism towards other Black males a great deal, Black males using sex as a weapon in both instances turns me off to them. And the fact that I'm so opposite is probably why at sex parties, when I top a White guy, like all other Blacks topping non-Blacks, I'm initially ignored. Most likely because that image of a Black male using sex as a weapon on light-complexioned people is soooo overdone, especially thanks to the likes of wasted existences like Chi Chi LaRue with his "Blackballed" series. But after awhile, they're interested in watching me once they see how while I'm a passionate and aggressive fucker, I'm also affectionate enough to not be bordering on raping that non-Black bottom.

One thing on the subject of porn that I didn't get to correct was the idea said by one attendee that porn was a fantasy.

Is it really?

For other areas where we see racism never got as much discussion time because our long talk about porn kept leaving room to segue for just a flash into those other areas, like gay nightlife and gay media. Also during the night, the point keep getting made of how porn has influenced so many gay males' racially-based expectations in reality. So blowing off porn as being just a fantasy is the first mistake. It's the reason that themes like "gay-for-pay", and Blacks as overcompensating dominating tops has gotten so out of hand to where too many are OK with it, and those low enough on self-esteem seek it in reality. Porn is not so supposed to be so much fantasy as it is voyeurism.

Another area we were able to touch on a little bit was gay nightlife. I didn't get to talk about the difference in method of payment between Blacks and White go-go boys where White go-go boys are more able to get gigs where they get a base pay. Meanwhile Black go-go boys in NYC often have to work in venues where they're borderline prostitutes by having to cozy up to patrons and give lap dances, then give a portion to the party promoter like a hooker does with their pimp before they make any kind of take-home-money.

However, we were able to address how some patrons are being forbidden entry based on race. This is where our invited guests from GAPIMNY filled us in. They recalled how at the popular Friday night party called "RockIt" thrown by Tony Fornabaio and Brandon Voss that Asian patrons were being turned away.

But the staff at "RockIt" were put to a test that shows how reprehensibly widespread racism in the gay community is. Asians were allegedly being turned away if they came in groups of Asians. However, Asians attending alone or with White friends were allowed in. With the latter, GAPIMNY's Dennis Chin pointed out how this shows how sadly still in this day and age, it is the White aesthetic that gets people of color by. If those people of color are accepted by Whites, they are OK. Otherwise, they are deemed not worth acknowledging. And Dennis couldn't have been more correct in pointing this fact out. I will give you a prime example as to why in Part 2.

Another instance of racism that the guys of GAPIMNY pointed out was the party named "Mars Needs Whores". The problem was that the original name of the party was "Mr. Wong's Dong Emporium", and all the party offered was of an Asian influence. While I don't believe racism was the intent, the controversy that erupted over this in addition to what was expressed in GAPIMNY's open letter to the promoters, I'm sure was also sparked by people who know of the promoters Cazwell and Joey Israel's past parties, therefore knew what to expect - every party staffer being someone they knew from many other popular parties in NYC with not one of them being Asian. If the intent was to "pay homage to Asian culture" as said in an apologetic notice by co-promoter Joey Israel, then how can you have a party in a city where Asians make up a great deal of the city's diversity, YET have no Asian staffers? This is the fact I was trying to convey in my open letter to the promoters that I posted on my Tumblr blog, while the racially-insensitive Whites, Latinos, and others of light-complexion (including Blacks) kept posting comments to those bothered by the marketing saying "Lighten up!"

My response to them is, "No, you insensitive pricks. Why don't you have a heart that goes beyond your cookie-cutter White world, and WISE UP?!"

While they will probably never get it, Karma is a bitch. And the price I forsee them most likely paying will be an ugly one that I will tell you about...

...when you read Part 2.