Tuesday, March 18, 2008

On March 31, 2008 at 2:57 AM....

....I will be 37 years old. To be 37 years old in this youth-obsessed industry is a feat within itself. But being a Black man who started at the age of 34 (an age at which even with the advantage of racism, many White men can't enter this business) and made 8 movies in 3 years is one reason I look upon hitting 37 with pride.

Around early fall of last year, I decided that due to all the racism I was encountering, including from people refusing to show the diversity in my home of NYC, I was going to make March 31, 2008 my official date of retirement from the porn industry. That would make it 3 years exactly of being in the industry, because my very 1st porn gig was a live solo show on Showguys.com on April 1, 2005 - the day after I turned 34. So if you're glad that I'm sticking around a little bit longer, join me in giving a BIG THANKS to Ben Marksman of KnightStick Films, the guys at Forbidden Funk Media, and Will Clark for putting me in touch with Forbidden Funk Media, as well as some others that I'm planning things with now.

Believe it or not, that is not the most important part of why I'm taking pride in my turning 37.

The main reason is one that may seem simple to many, but it's the simple fact that I'm alive.

For centuries, men and women of all ages have been committing suicide because parents and people in their environments have used various convictions to make them feel as if their individual nature of being attracted to people of the same gender made them unacceptable in the eyes of society or even more so, the eyes of God. This has for centuries led many to not even reach half my age. I was one of those brought up to nearly make that my fate, and the homophobia that Black and now ignorance of hip-hop culture I grew up surrounded by was no help at all. In fact, it made me suicidal for at least 15 years of my life. Many who contemplate suicide don't go a year before making their suicide a reality, so to be alive by finding myself and overcoming that more than a decade later is something I see as a great blessing from God.

I now look at the scene from "Superman: The Movie" when Jonathan Kent tells a teenage Clark Kent, "....you were sent here for a reason", as God talking to me. I don't think God sent me here on earth to do gay porn, but I do believe he sent me here to share the gift of writing he gave me, and instead of playing bobble-head doll like so many before me (and in some cases still do), I can finally be the voice of the underdog, and let my actions and words say to them, "You're alright. You'll be a spectacular and worthwhile existence if you just be yourself." I think gay porn was put in my path as a stop along the way, and it was up to me to make it into something - be it positive or negative.

And I hope I have made it into a positive. I used this blog as a way to show my pride in my sexuality. That's why I have so much disgust towards sites like SeanCody and CorbinFisher's Amateur College Men, and companies like Latino Fan Club with their disclaimer of how their actors' actions don't indicate their sexual orientation. These actions risk putting people back to where I once was. Some may consider my taking this strong a stand laughable, but when you've struggled with your sexuality the way I have, as a worthwhile existence of a human being, inspiring others to be honest with themselves and do actions to show such honesty should become your priority. I'm not saying that to everyone should show pride in their sexuality by doing porn. I am saying that you should show pride in your sexuality by having sex on and off camera that is true to your sexual orientation, and that by no means includes sex "on the DL". Because that along with anything else is showing cowardice in facing who you are.

So I hope that 37 years have given me knowledge that I don't take for granted, and I show that I don't take it for granted by sharing it with you. THANK YOU ALL for your past, present, and continued support. Until next time....

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I HIGHLY respect those willing to stand behind their comments with a name. So if you use "Anonymous" on a viewpoint that challenges mine, IT WILL BE DELETED. For your cowardice to not show yourself makes your viewpoint and you irrelevant.

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