I Walked The Walk In 2008

I did it again, and I couldn't be happier.

I did the AIDS Walk again this year, and became a part of a record-breaking event. As reports have shown thus far, this year with 45,000 walkers, the AIDS Walk NY raised a record total of $7,058,497. Many reports found this to be somewhat mind-blowing because of the tough financial times we're living in. I find it mind-blowing as well, but not for that reason.

The reason I find it mind-blowing is because we seem to live in a time where people are so busy looking out for #1 that they are full of #2. That may seem like a cynical statement, but I'm sure with us now being back to our day to day lives, that is the behavior we are seeing. Well, it was good to see that for 1 day so many people came together putting their usual petty prejudices aside all for the sake of a common goal. A goal that they know is way bigger than their single selves, therefore needs not just our individual attention, BUT our united attention.

This year I was a member of Team Showgirls. Just like last year when I walked with the AIDS Service Center NYC, I knew absolutely no one on the team, but I felt extremely welcomed by all. So since I always try to give credit where credit is due, I definitely have to say THANKS to the entire team for making me feel welcome.

And without a doubt, I have to give a big THANKS to our team leader, Michael for posting his bulletin on DList.com , and extending his invitation to me to be a part of Team Showgirls. Since becoming a part of Will Clark's events like Porno Bingo and The Bad Boys On The Hudson Sea Tea(July 20th), I've seen some organizations show themselves to be the biggest hypocrites, and act as if they want nothing to do with porn or porn actors. Remember the statement, "Doth the lady protest too much?" It is most likely because they probably have a porn collection that they need an area the size of the Batcave to store it, and a secret passageway to get to it.

Thankfully, Michael could care less, and I never told any of the team members until some of us were hanging out after The AIDS Walk. After all, I wasn't trying to draw a bunch of attention to myself. In fact, I was trying to be my usual quiet and low-key self when in the presence of new people so I could study them and find out the right way to interact with them individually.

Still giving out credit, while most of the males on our team were gay, we did have a couple who were straight, and the homophobic ghetto trash (blog explaining to soon follow) that I work with on my day job could learn a lot from them . A clear example of what I mean is that after the AIDS Walk, we went to eat at Vynl. While saying our goodbyes, one of the straight guys actually hugged everyone -male and female, instead of just shaking hands. That's a security in oneself that many homophobes can learn from, and an action that many hetero-phobic militant gays need to take heed of to get over the "gay vs. straights" war they want to propagate.

I obviously had fun, because I wouldn't have hung with these guys until late in the afternoon otherwise. Needless to say I was exhausted, but the adrenaline kick I was getting from the day didn't make me aware of it until after watching the season finale of "Desperate Housewives".

I know! I know! How gay can I get, right? Well, after watching that, then I knocked out.

I told one of the other walkers about the long flight of stairs at the World Trade Center PATH Station that I jog up Monday through Friday to get to work, and how that AIDS Walk was going to make me for once use the escalator. Would you believe Monday morning I flew up those stairs like no kind of extremely long walking took place the day before?

Maybe I got enough rest. Maybe it was another adrenaline kick from feeling a sense of accomplishment. Whatever it was, I felt good, and I hope to feel it again. So maybe next year.....

Atlantic City - BIG TIME Standouts

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This Heart....One Of The Driven

Throughout history, anyone who takes a stand for what's right has been confronted with people who out of sheer envy, want to bring them down to being the lazy bystander that they are, or shut them up because by them taking that stand, one's dark-hearted motives can't prevail. This is how a great deal of my life has been, especially in recent years in the porn industry, as well as on my day job where you might think being something as simple as a Mail Clerk, I wouldn't have that issue.
And I am sure I am not alone. So for all those fighters for right out there. This poem is for you.
Keep fighting, and being one of the driven.

This Heart....One Of The Driven
Unable to handle the reality
The power that is me
My inner light burns and melts your eyes
Now your eyes are bloody rivers running down your face
The ugliness of envy and its disgrace
The saddest part is that doesn't have to be
I'll never claim to be perfection
Although I'll always try to come close
You damn yourself with your misconceptions
Making yourself a show of shows

Quick to name call someone "fag"
Yet you play bobble-head doll to the max
Hey, where's your voice when we need your noise?!
Leaving me, "the fag" to challenge the fools in charge
While you be the ghetto trash at large
Check your pants, I think your cowardice has shrunk your 2 boys
What is the purpose of your breathing
If it's just to be nigger-style wild
And what's the good of you producing children
If they're taught to repeat your jellyfish style

So many losing faith
So many losing their drive
And look at me in awe as I stand with pride
Don't be disillusioned, I had no easy climb
But since you're old enough to know envy's seed
Does no good in you or me
Yet you've let it plant in your soul
So my compassion has lost its hold
That's why I say -

You're so miserable
You're so pitiful
If you weren't such a sad tale
You would be laughable
You yearn to drag me down
To wear your inner-frown
Well, listen to how this heart pounds
As it shows how one of the driven sounds


©2008

Shhhh....It's A Small Community

Within the past year, I've discovered that there is a moronic and spineless rule that it seems many follow in the gay porn industry.That rule being that since the gay porn community is a small community, if you're an actor with a gripe with someone, you don't publicly speak ill of them by naming names.

Such a thing was suggested of me when I told a friend I was going to blog about Tyson Cane's unprofessional behavior. For that same reason, some people came to me in shock because I wrote about Pierre Fitch's (a.k.a. Pierre Bitch's) racist tirade. And another friend's response to me addressing Michael Lucas' ego trip by him or his (at least at the time) revolving door of casting directors calling me into his offices 4 times over a 2 year span to no avail was, "You shouldn't alienate possible future employers."

My response was, "Hello! What part of '4 times in 2 years' do you not understand that you can't compute working for Michael Lucas is not going to happen?! "

I would like to know why does my naming names in these situations seem so odd. I could see if I have something to gain that's worthy of pride from association with any of them even though that is the kind of behavior they exhibit. But since that is not the case, I don't see the reason for the jaw-dropping because I'm not burning any necessary bridges. After all, this is the porn industry. Unless you have a mental defect, you will not find it a life or death need to be in it.

This worries me because I believe it is a clear sign of the weak-mindedness and conformity that is plaguing not just the gay porn community, but our society as a whole. In any industry, the reason racism, ego trips, and overall unprofessional behavior prevail is because so many weak people allow it to prevail by not speaking of its existence. Thereby making themselves nowhere near being part of the solution, but instead a HUGE part of the problem. We all should be in workplaces that if the plagues of racism and ego trips exist to a massive degree, then steps should be taken to have them eradicated. And the start of that eradication is by putting the word out of its existence and make it heard loud and clear that it is not worthy of tolerance. Loud and clear to the point that it breaks down the wall put up by those who are either guilty and/or in denial.

This is the reason I speak out on these issues. I feel the reason I stand alone in stating how I feel is because being that what is considered "mainstream porn" is dominated by Whites, they benefit from the racism, and due to a lack of humanity by way of selfishness, they won't publicly consider other races their brother in humanity and take a stand on their behalf. Plus, most actors of color don't have the support I have of fellow bloggers like Victor Hoff of Men Of Color Blog and Ka-os to make their feelings known and help that knowledge spread.

Another reason I speak out on these issues, and am greatly disappointed by many who are in the position of speaking out and get well-received is because if no one says anything, changes don't take place. At no point in history has change come about by people just saying "Shhhh! Don't say anything is wrong".

If people lived by that mindset during slavery times, slavery would have never been abolished, the Civil Rights movement would have never taken place, and the movement for gays to be treated the same as straights would not have come as far as it has. This makes gays out to be hypocrites, because even while the gay community as a whole is considered small, so many within it are quick to shout how they want the right to marry, yet when it's time for that same small community to take a stand against racism, I find myself surrounded by a bunch of spineless beings who earn the derogatory term for gay men, "faggots".

So we need to open our mouths calling out the culprits who display racism, ego trips, and etc. not just for the sake of bettering the porn industry, but for the sake of bettering ourselves as human beings. And that goes for you, no matter what ethnicity, orientation, gender, or age you may be. I'll close by reiterating in saying - these plagues need to be eradicated - NOW!