Sunday, September 16, 2012

Backroom Evolution

Over time in my blog posts, I have made it no secret of my venturing to bar and club backrooms. In fact, the bedroom encounter I told of in my poem “Red Light” started from a bar backroom.

Because of my natural curiosity about sex, but being brought up to repress it, backrooms have been a tool of sexual exploration for me. I’ve learned quite a bit about sexual behavior and even race relations over time because of those trips. And have been able to use some of what I’ve learned to become a valued source of information in some of my appearances like my moderating a discussion on race, and the 1st episode of “The Gates of WiL”.

I started venturing to backrooms after about 1 year of my coming out to myself, which would make it between late 2002 and early 2003. Back then, I saw backrooms to be areas that promoted anonymous sex, but had enough light in them that the anonymity it promoted was not to the point of not even seeing a face of a potential playmate. In fact, back then you could easily find someone to have a one night stand with, and not be disappointed by what you found when the lights came on. Come to think of it, I don’t recall hearing those lights referred to as “ugly lights” until a few years later. Thus indicating the evolution of what backrooms have become...A place where with the increase in darkness came with it an increase in the air of desperation.

Sure, backrooms have always been set up as a rest stop for desperadoes, but also a place for those unashamed of being sexually adventurous, like myself. Sadly however, what I have seen grow more and more over time is the number of guys who sit in the shadows so you don’t see their face, or body. This is all done out of guilt and shameGuilt and shame over their orientation and being sexually adventurous, hence why you can sometimes find even young good-looking guys hiding in those shadows. Also guilt and shame over how poorly maintained guys of any age have allowed themselves to be with their drug and alcohol abuse, and weight gain. Not surprising how that number of guys hiding has increased with the rate of obesity in this country.

So while those guys are hiding out of guilt and shame, I’m not one who is so desperate to be touched that I’m going to allow some self-loathing sack of shit with eager hands feel on my ass, or an eager mouth with a face I can’t see suck on my dick. Because I love and respect myself and my fellow man enough to not sign up for bad karma by getting off at the expense of the obvious self-loathing shown by those guys hiding in the shadows.

The air of desperation that I spoke of earlier causes many problems. For one, it is why I couldn't keep a hard-on. To be honest, forget about keeping a hard-on, sometimes I couldn't even get one at all. It’s because there are all these unwanted hands reaching for me, and I don’t have the void and desperation that says, "any-ol'-grope will do".

That air of desperation is also what caused that guy from “He Wanted A Reaction…InvasiveBitch Got One” to become increasingly violent from my rejection of him, then pushing me to the point that I had to punch him in the face to make him stop invading my space. It doesn't matter what my reasons are. Even if it’s because I'm some racist prick who wants to jump on the bandwagon and cop-out by calling it “preference”, if I say that I don’t want your hands on me, then you are to not put them on me. And as long as I'm polite in my initial request to not touch me, then you have no right to be aggressive and/or violent because I denied you. Even though you hate the fact that I denied you. For the fact will remain, as I said before – my body, my call. Like I also said in that post, it was not my proudest moment, but it led to me needing to address this sad evolution of backrooms.

With that said, if you think that such desperation is only from the older gay males who have lost that beauty believed to come with youth, then you are sadly mistaken. Because I have seen this need to be touched by any hand, fucked by, and/or suck any nearby big cock in young gay males that fit modeling and porn-world definition of “cute” as well. To the point that the only thing that might cause a guy to be dismissed is not even age as some would think, but skin color. With this being 2012 and the gained acceptance gays have made in society, you would think those days of gays (young and old, trollish and beautiful) displaying such self-loathing, prejudice, and bigotry would be on the verge of (at the least) fading, if not all together gone. But instead what I have observed is that behavior getting worse. It is for these reasons, that the air of desperation in backrooms has caused backrooms to lose their "exploration spark" for me.

So since backrooms are have now become overwrought by the desperate, and too little a rest stop for the sexually adventurous like myself, I'm sticking more to the decision I made long ago about going out even when I'm horny. That decision being to never go out looking for sex. But instead when I'm out and horny, be prepared to go home alone and use the same tools to get off that I did all those years before my coming out and being sexually active----my hands, my imagination, and maybe some porn. And in recent years, the porn has become more and more the optional component of those 3.

I am not saying that while I am single, that I will never venture into another backroom. But I am saying that if I know the patronage that frequents it brings such an air of desperation with them, I won’t be going there. For as long as there is breath in my body, I doubt that my interest in exploring sexuality will wane. So I’m going to look for avenues to explore it. It just that now, based on what I see backrooms show about today’s gay males' low self-esteem that societal acceptance should undo in some capacity, the number of backrooms I will venture to will definitely decrease.

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