Missing Porn

A few months ago, I was out with a friend of mine at the NYC gay bar, The Monster. We got to talking about my life since I retired from studio-based porn, and he asked me a very simple question that you would have thought that since my retirement in September 2009, one of my post-porn interviewers would have asked me by now.

About my no longer doing porn, he asked me, "Do you miss it?"

Like I said, a very simple question. However, something inside me realized at that moment that for someone who prides themselves on being honest with themselves and on this blog, it didn't have a very simple answer. Which is why I refrained from my giving the 1st response that popped in my head which was, 'Hell, no!' But knowing that's the easy answer, I kept it inside.

Being as detailed-oriented as I am, this requires more explanation that a simple "yes" or "no". So while I answered my friend in less than 15 seconds after he asked, my explanation of the thoughts that went through my mind to lead up to my answer will take longer.

Initially, I must confess that there is an aspect to the porn industry that I do miss. That is the attention and adoration of fans for my being such an exhibitionist. But it's short-lived when the honesty I pride myself on reminds me as to how part of the reason I came to leave studio-based porn is because I realized that attention and adoration is in some way fake. For the attention and adoration is all underground. Especially due to the sexual repression of Americans, you can't be out and proud about admiring a pornstar the way you could a Hollywood celebrity who can be just as much a troubled soul. So while most porn actors are in it looking for approval, the screams and shouts feeding their egos by personal appearances in clubs, bars and porn-related events, to the world at large, it's just a hush - when compared to those for their mainstream counterparts.

And while the attention and adoration is in a way fake, it in turn causes a chain of fake behavior in others. For I have had some people end their friendships with me on Facebook. Anyone who knows how I do my updates there knows that I don't tag people in adult-oriented status updates, or post on their walls unless they themselves make it obvious that they work in adult entertainment. And anyone who knows how to use Facebook knows that tags and direct postings are the only way people you might not want to make privy to that info would discover it. Yet some people who met me either through my involvement in porn, or knew of it when they friended me show themselves to fake purity by removing me without me ever tagging them or personally posting something on their Facebook wall.

More things that flashed through my mind in that less than 15 seconds were behavior patterns I saw from various porn studios. Such as studios like Falcon telling me that they'll call when there's a role where I'm a "good fit", only for me to see a White version of myself in a trailer, or on a DVD cover. Or Lucas Entertainment wasting my time with numerous trips to their office, and only using more Black models now because mine and others' proven claims of Michael Lucas' racism were starting to bite him in the ass. Or Channel 1 Releasing interested in me only if I lived in California, or making my way there on my own, but allegedly known to be willing to pay for the transportation of a White wanna-be-pornstar. Or FlavaWorks willing to pay $100,000 to a rapper to only pose nude, yet pay 3-digits (a.k.a. peanuts) to their models who put themselves at greater health risks by having full-on sex. Or porn actors and bloggers with their contradictory allegiances. Or porn actors who in private will pat me on the back for being so upfront about all the behind-the-scenes bullshit, but in public are quick to leave me standing on my own in the comments sections of websites like The Sword, and Gay Porn Times.

All these instances and more flooded through my brain in the less than 15 seconds I tried to find the right words to reply to my friend asking me, "Do you miss it?"

In reply, instead of rehashing all those details, I gave him the short version telling him, "Initially, I think I do. But when I recall all the bullshit that I've seen and been told. I have to say,...

FUCK NO!!!!"

Now, I don't regret my getting into the porn industry. Even though while by the present handling of it, I look at it as a mistake for anyone to do, I feel it is a mistake that we are destined to make. And when we've matured more into living for our true purpose, we will leave it behind a great deal.

This is not to say that I can ever fully leave the porn industry behind where I won't comment after being made privy to the latest going-ons of it. After all, the reason I don't regret my getting into the porn industry is because it is my involvement in the porn industry that gave me a platform for my voice, LeNair's voice, to be heard ---- even though it was under the guise of porn actor, "Tré Xavier".

I have done what sadly too few other porn actors have done. I have used my porn persona as a way for my voice to get closer to the mainstream as I had hoped for before entering porn. While I am now being invited to readings like "Red Umbrella Diaries" for past and present sex workers, I am also creating my own well-received poetry series and having readings in more mainstream venues. As well as most recently, being asked to be a featured speaker on more mainstream issues like racism in the LGBT community for the group MACT/NY. The stereotypical leeches in the porn industry didn't get me to this point, but their being dumb enough to fight me helped. Take this as me seeing and riding on the silver lining of the dark cloud that is studio-based porn.

So while studio-based porn has for the most part lowered itself to becoming what I call "visualized prostitution", I can't in good sense and self-respect miss being a part of it. My initial idea of missing it comes from me missing my ideal of studio-based porn. An ideal replaced by the sad reality of how it is plagued by the presence of more social and/or career rejects (like I was), instead of well-adjusted exhibitionists (like I am now).


Photo from Next Door Magazine September 2011 issue

Write That Down #38

I believe that this "Write That Down" quote is one of my most revealing. In fact, as I am finally stating to work on writing my autobiography, this quote is in the running to have a definite place in it. I feel it's quite self-explanatory as it reads:
Some wonder why I tell so much behind-the-scenes dirt on the porn industry. Well, while I did my part, few kept their word to me when I was in it. So now, I have NO "Code Of  Silence" to honor.

That ____ Made Me Tell Me, 'I'm Gay'

As National Coming Out Day (October 11th) approaches, here is a time appropriate question for you:

Is there an image from an art form (photo, artwork, TV show, video, website, etc.) that you closely associate with the day you came out to YOURSELF? If so, what is it?

Answer here or in the comments section.

I'll answer with an update via vlog after the 1st reply.

The Accidental Barebacker

While I have often advised finding pleasure in safe sex practices, I have never been a hypocrite denying that I have experienced some also pleasurable bareback sex in my time. Because I have. And recently did again...by accident.

Some may wonder how is barebacking by accident possible. Well, when I tell you this story it should make more sense.

I was traveling, went to a bar, and was asked to dance on the bar for tips. On this particular night, the party at that bar goes all out with most of the dancers getting totally naked. I started out in my underwear like the 2 paid dancers. I was turned on by the guys up there, but as I have mentioned in past posts, when it comes to me getting a hard-on, I must be touched. So I touched my crotch and got the hard-on started, danced with the other dancers a bit, but after that, the hard-on left. As time went on, it wound up being 5 guys on the bar. Then once it came time to take the underwear off, like the rest, my underwear came off as well. So there I was totally naked on the bar, not at all drunk. Most bartenders think that it takes alcohol to get the dancers' exhibitionism to surface, but that's not the case with me. All I had was 2 weak-on-alcohol Rolling Rocks and water in between and after. So I was totally sober while getting naked, and have no regrets about doing it.

At one point, about 3 of us wound up in a make out session on the bar. It was one of the paid dancers in between me and one of the other guests on the bar. After kissing him a bit, the other guest started giving the paid dancer a blowjob. After that, the paid dancer saw my hard-on and started jerking me off, and I jerked off his in return. I was totally turned on by his beautiful body, ass, and cock. So there's no doubt that my hard-on was greatly inspired by the fantasy of a flip-fucking session with him. I wanted to taste his cock too. I licked his toned torso, went down his abs, then to his belly button which was a outie like mine, then down to his cock. So I went down on him, literally - for all to see.

Like most guys do because of my oral prowess, I felt him start growing in my mouth. While using my right hand to feel his body, at the same time I was using my left hand to jerk myself to stay hard. Once I decided that I sucked his cock enough, I stood back up. Then he returned the favor and started sucking me off. Now, I've mentioned in the past how I don't get turned on too much by the idea of a blowjob because few guys can do them well. So I'm always hoping for the best, but expecting the worst. Well, while I was expecting the worst, I got the best. Because I was definitely enjoy his sucking my dick. What I didn't know, but was soon to find out, was that his sucking my dick wasn't only to return the favor of me sucking his.

When he stopped sucking my cock, he then turned with his back to me. He grabbed on to my cock again. I've dance totally naked at parties before, and when you get with another dancer, there's always been a moment where you simulate sex, mainly standing doggy-style. It could be by one guy rubbing his cock against the other guy's ass, or by one guy's cock being in between the other guy's legs. I thought he grabbed my cock to do the latter, because it was already rubbing against the crack of his ass when he grabbed it. So he grabbed my cock, and it slipped into this tight, warm space. And while it was a very pleasant feeling around my cock, it was also very unexpected.

If you take one finger, and either wrapped your hand around it or stick it between your closed upper thighs, then move it back and forth as if to fuck your hand or thighs, your finger is going to feel a different sensation around it than it does when you finger-fuck the ass of someone. Why? Because your hand and thighs are skin, while the inside of an ass is flesh. And that's the difference I noticed on my dick. I realized that my dick was no longer inside his hand, nor was it ever between his legs. Instead, my dick....was inside his ass.

I was wondering how do I proceed with this as a bunch of questions ran through my mind. With all these people watching, do I fuck him bareback, maybe sending out a wrong message? Do I pull out to send the right one? It all happened so fast and unexpectedly.

But before I tell how I proceeded, let's take these variables into consideration, and be totally honest afterwards about what YOU would have done in my situation:
1) You're horny
2) You already have a hard-on because you're on a bar with hot guys you wouldn't mind fooling around with.
3) One of the main guys turning you on just stuck your dick in his ass, so your fantasy has now become reality without possible proper preparation, but
4) there's a room full of people watching, so you don't want to freak out, especially when it turns out that
5) his ass on initial entry feels GREAT!

So what did I do?

I fucked him bareback right there on the bar with everyone watching.

 Now, I know the barebacking police may get in an uproar, ready to arrest and book me for not only doing it, but revealing it. But there's no reason to keep it a secret when a room full of people were eyewitness to it. And with all those aforementioned variables at play, I bet 90+% of men you know, being the sex-driven animals that we men are, would have done the same. If they say otherwise, that 90+% would be lying. But if it any consolation to you, I didn't do it for even 5 minutes, nor did I cum inside him. And just like at sex parties with a condom on,  I washed off afterwards.

I'm sure this leaves some with the questions:
Would I have full-on sex with him? YES. Would I use a condom? Well, I've gotten to the point with my telling of sex tales that if you care to notice that unless the condom plays a pivotal role in the story like me seeing it filled with cum after the fact, that I now leave the use of it out of the story. Why?

Because practically all of us knew about practicing safe sex even before we knew our orientation and/or lost our virginity. So I've decided that this is one adult situation that I'm not going to keep teaching and teaching to you so much when it should have already been drilled into your head to the point that you're now more than sick of hearing it, and looooong before stumbling upon my blog. So to reiterate my 2nd question, would I use a condom? Just like in the last few sex tales, this case is the same...

....none of your damn business. BE WELL. :-)