Denied Self Becomes Violent Self

While I have definitely had my say regarding my disdain for "gay-for-pay" actors, a new news item that has been brought to my attention thanks to Men Of Color Blog, has brought forth another reason to light as why studios should stay away from these guys.

I have admitted to being a fan of his, even considered him as a possible scene partner knowing he was "gay-for-pay", but when I heard that Nickolay Petrov was being charge with attempted murder, I started to realize that there seems to be a trend going on here. It seems that every gay porn actor that makes the headlines because of some act of violence is a "gay-for-pay" actor. Look at the other people I can use as evidence - Marcus Allen, Mark Dalton, and one of my very own past scene partners, Double R (from what I've heard) is in trouble with the law in a way that could put him away for a long time.

Now, I am in no way about imply that truly gay men don't have a violent streak. But you have to wonder, does the fact that these "gay-for-pay" actors denying their true selves contribute to the violent acts there are accused of. Are they taking violence as a way to show the manhood they fear losing if they admit that they're gay or bisexual? Or is the violence against someone else actually them using their victim(s) as a punching bag for how much they want to hit themselves for lying to themselves and the women in their lives about their sexual orientation?

I'm sure that is the reason for that violent streak because, I was once there myself. I admit to having a terrible temper, but before my realizing my sexual orientation and embracing it, I had a lot less control over it. In fact, I left my last job out of fear that my temper was going to get out of control, and I would become another news story of a disgruntled employee. Even though, I have a great deal to be angry with my present employers over that could put me in that same state of mind, since my sexual awakening, the thoughts to resort to a horrific degree of violence are under control. Why? Because my anger towards my former employers compounded with my anger towards myself for lying about who I really am gave me a need to release that self-inflicted inner-rage. Now, even though my present employers are assholes inept at being humane, with the anger gone due to my resolving the issue of my sexual orientation, my anger towards them is strictly towards them. And I never get angry enough towards them that it blinds me to the fact that no employer is worth me risking my life as a free member of society.

It has been theorized that gay-bashers attack gays out of self-loathing they feel because gays live the sex lives the gay-bashers have thought about even for a flash at one point or another, but feel guilty because of the environments the gay-bashers were raised in. And these "gay-for-pay" actors committing these acts of violence may be even worse, because compared to gay-bashers who usually attack total strangers, more of these "gay-for-pay" actors are attacking people who are a part of their life, be it business or personal. With that in mind, I believe that it is safe for me personally to theorize that their victim becomes a target when they in some way remind the "gay-for-pay" actor of his gay acts that he tries to bury because he's not on a gay porn set at that time.

Once again, I must address this to the studios hiring these guys, who as it seems that because of their denial of themselves are more capable of these violent acts than your already out and proud gay/bi man. Because of this potential for violence due to self-loathing, these guys are a risk to the image you should want to present. I am not saying that a truly gay/bi man is not capable of the same degree of violence, but when you are knowingly bring someone in denial of themselves into the fold, you create an almost 100% risk to creating a mentally unsafe environment for your truly gay actors. Remember my incident with Double R? These "gay-for-pay" guys bring their uneasy vibe from their self-denial with them, and since producers and directors aren't the ones topping or (even more uneasy) being a bottom with these guys, you don't know of what us actors have to mentally put ourselves through to deal with these guys. What would be even worse though would be if you didn't care.

At this point, I do not totally fault the porn studios for hiring these guys. There is a fascination with them as to how they call themselves straight yet fuck men. But now that I have presented this reality to myself, and passed it on to you, I hope this fascination is over for you as it is now over for me. With that being said, should this "gay-for-pay" trend continue, I will begin to hold studios responsible. These are obviously unstable people, more unstable than most, and allowing them into the fold of gay porn to deal with the demands of it will only increase their instability.

Dr. Wannabe-God

First off, before I continue, I'm sure some of you are psycho-analyzing me, and saying, "He's doing porn because he lost his faith in love."

And those thinking that couldn't be more wrong.
I have always thought about doing porn, even before Danny came into my life. As I have said in the past, I can take the porn industry or leave it. It is not a neccesity to me. Therefore, had I ever found the man of my dreams before, my desire to do porn would have never seen the light of day, and I would have had no regrets. So my being single made me free to pursue porn because I had no one to answer to. Unless my relationship was already open, I can't see myself asking my life partner if I could do porn. By holding true to that standard, it shows that I still have faith in love and romance.

My situation with Danny, and others boils down to the same thing I told Danny when he brushed me off. The fact is that the American healthcare system looks at those who are ill as cash-cows. I'm sure that the cure for HIV/AIDS, cancer, and other diseases are out there, but our healthcare system doesn't really want to hear of it as much as they say they do. The average American citizen does, but not them.

Think about it.
If they totally cure you of your ailment - be it anxiety, depression, HIV+ status, or some form of cancer, since these are such epidemics, there's money to be made off of these things. If they cure it, you longer need their services, and no longer need to pay them the huge amounts of money they charge you. Trust me, if and when any of these are no longer such epidemics, the American medical community will be willing to send you to a free clinic in no time, just as they do with syphillis gonorrhea, etc.

In regards to mental health, the bottom line is this - as far as I've seen from these guys I've been involved with, the taking of these meds never end. I dated one guy who took pills for depression, and he felt good to stop taking them, but his ever-so-trustworthy doctor told him, that if he stops, he'll have thoughts of suicide. So my questions is, when does he stop taking them? If you call yourself loving this person, are you going to have to love a drug-dependent person for the rest of your life? This is what our trusted medical community has given us. A society of drugees, hence the reason why their greed has made the U.S. healthcare system the worst ranked in the industrialized world.

What scares me the most is the fact that I could have been in that number. Remember, before my sexual awakening, I had depression, anxiety, yet I am not, nor have ever been on any medications. It's because those demons surfaced for me, and I fought them all. I didn't need a doctor telling me "take this, it'll make you feel better." Why don't they just send people out to a street corner in the ghetto, and tell them to get some weed, cocaine, "E", "K", or whatever letter of the alphabet drug will do the trick of making them feel they have conquered their woes. Because then, Dr. Wannabe-God makes no money, that's why.

And I say "Wannabe-God", because that is exactly what he/she is trying to be. My demons were, and are still being conquered by my faith in God, not faith in man. I have no intentions of sounding like a preacher with this, but this is how I survived my contemplations of suicide, my fear of socializing, etc. How are you surviving yours? I advise you to talk to God, talk to a minister, talk to a friend, talk to your family, and when all else fails, talk to a mental health doctor. But when a mental health doctor advises you to pop a pill he/she prescribes to make you feel normal, in reality, you will never take the time to solve your problem, so you're going to find yourself so busy feeling so good from Dr. Feelgood's pills, you'll fear, and won't look back on your life at what brought you to that point.

How do I know this? Because that was Danny. Never wanting to talk about the past that brought him to the state that he was in.

Well, I want a man in my life, not some cowardly overgrown little boy. And a man faces his demons head on, therefore drug-free. Which includes both illegal substances and doctor-prescribed ones.
As I said at the start of my last entry, I know what I said may not be a popular opinion. Sorry, to those who disagree, but I don't care much for your upset. UNLESS you can prove my logic and experience in this matter to have led me to be wrongly informed, I will stand by everything I have stated within these past 2 entries. So I leave you with this - if you can prove me wrong, being that I do allow comments, I now give you the floor....

Danny Boy: A Mental Health Matter

In light of the latest Britney Spears drama, such as the possibility of diagnosing her as being bipolar, I felt the need to make public my feelings about how the medical community is handling mental health. And what will say here is not from inexperience. I have enough, and I have had enough of keeping silent about what I see people in American healthcare doing to our society. What I say may not be a popular opinion, but it will be one that unless you can dispute the logic I will present to you, I will hold it as being a fact.

Let's get this 1st thing out of the way.

I DO NOT believe Britney Spears is bipolar, as I don't believe that it exist for a great many people who are diagnosed with it. I believe that her erratic behavior has been brought about by her present lifestyle, and some unresolved demons in her past may be reaching the surface. And when you lead a fast-paced life, those demons that were surpressed will start to make their presence known, because your new fast-paced life probably doesn't allow you the time that you once had to keep them under control. PLUS, anyone who is bipolar would have been exhibiting errratic behavior all along. So with that in mind, I repeat, I DO NOT believe Britney Spears is bipolar, therefore some doctor prescribing her some pills is not going to get her all better. That so-called doctor is just going to make her use the pills as a crutch, which would make that doctor a legalized drug dealer.

Now my experience on which I base this logic.

I have been involved with guys who were taking one form of medication or another for a supposed mental ailment that they had. The one I remembered most was Danny. He claims to suffer from anxiety attacks so he was taking Paxil. I din't know much about Paxil or mental ailments at the time, especially since even with my previous thoughts of suicide I never went the route of so much as seeing a psychiatrist, psychologist, therapist, etc. But my 6th sense always worried about the fact of him being on that medication. And he was the 1st and only guy I ever said "I love you" to.

Our problems started after when I realized that I needed to ask myself, "who was I loving?" Was I loving the version of Danny that was on Paxil? And hopefully after he stops taking Paxil, will the personality that he exhibits still be lovable? First of all, it wasn't actually lovable to start with. One minute, he would seem so enamoured with me,telling me that he's so glad that I'm a part of his life, and how he always wanted someone who showed him as much caring as I did, then when I want to plan for us to get together, he would become distant. Where was the mental stability that Paxil was suppose to bring forth? It probably never existed, OR the Paxil had overstayed its welcome in his body.

One day, Danny called me telling me that he had Bell's Palsy. My 6th sense kicked in, and I automatically sensed that Paxil was responsible. So I went online, and did an internet search using the phrase "Paxil side effects". I wound up online for hours looking at website after website saying how Paxil only works for about 4 years, and that side effects could include mood swings, and temporary paralysis. I asked Danny how long had he been on Paxil, and he said the magic number - 4 years.

At first, when I presented him with what I found, he was so thankful to me, and saying how he was going to get off of it. Then after a couple of doctor visits, he was basically telling me I didn't know what I was talking about.

We had a back and forth of being in each other's lives for about 2 or 3 years. And it's now at the point where we see each other, and don't say anything. He has seen me on the PATH train a total of 3 times since I moved out to Jersey City, and he can't even bring himself to look at me now. And it could be no other reason but guilt. I have no problem looking at him, because I did nothing but try to help him, so I have no guilt about what I've done. With him coming from a family where the stability of love was so little, while my family had it in overkill, I was trying to have that middle ground with him.

While writing this, I'm asking myself, if he could have gotten off that Paxil, would he have been someone I could have truly loved, and him naturally having the mental stability to love me back? Maybe, but thanks to whatever doctors put him on that road, we will never know. And I say that with no regrets, or hopes of fate changing so I will know.

I will get into my further criticism of the medical community in how they are handling this matter tomorrow.

Baña! Baña!

Last Friday night after a long time since my last trip I wrote blogged about, I went to Baña. I knew I was going to get into some mischief, and my lusting eye found a target to imagine myself with as soon as I walked downstairs and saw the attendant to check me in.

He was tall, nice-built. And as I checked him out from top to bottom, I notice he had a fuckin' hot ass. He looked awfully familiar to me,and just recently I realized why. He was a spitting image of Playgirl model Jeff Defrances, right down to the long hair.

And it's not that far a stretch to think something could actually happen. Remember last time I went to Baña, one of the attendants went above and beyond the call of duty and tended to me by giving my ass a pounding I was more than pleased with. In fact, I ran into him while I was there. He was in one area, while I was walking up the stairs to the pool and jacuzzi area. We said our "hello's", and while I wanted to stop and talk, I kept it moving because I know myself. Remembering that body and that dick was going to make me want a confirmation fuck. You know - just to make sure he was as good a fucker as I remember.

This time, I finally got to wear the swim trunks I was hoping to wear when I last tried going to Baña, but it got cancelled.

So how do you think I looked wearing this number? I love N2N Bodywear. Their designs leave so much, yet so little to the imagination at the same time.

I went and sat in the jacuzzi, and realized that this cute comedian I once saw at an event was there as well. Not only was he there, but he was checking me out. I gave him a few glances that I progressed to accompanying with a smile. I thought we were going to interact right there, but he later got out, and to my surprise, it turned out he was totally naked. Damn, I wish I knew how to swim, so I could have tried sucking him off underwater. I've seen it done in porn movies. Most recently in the appropriately named, "Underwater".

That night, I was wishing I could do it myself.

Well, I did eventually get to fool around with him. I got pretty bold, guys. I walked pass him, looked at him, stopped, and just reached out for him to feel on his hairy chest. We just stood there making out for a bit. And I did mention that he was a comedian, I have to say that when I reached down to feel his cock and massage his balls and ass - I discovered that they all would bring a smile to your face, but not out of laughter. You'd smile because you had the chance to grab hold of them.

After that makeout session, I was left to have fun with some other hotties. One of these hotties, made his hotness short-lived by his lack of tact in makeout skills. Such as the fact that he called himself biting my lip when he kissed me. Problem is he really did bite my lips. Any skilled makeout artist knows that you don't actually bite the lips, but let your teeth graze the lip with just enough force that you can pull it. And he lacked the same tact with my ear. And I was thinking, "Wait, a fuckin' minute! When in the hell did you become Mike Tyson, and I became Evander Hollyfield!"

Maybe he should try that makeout style at a party held by an S & M enthusiast, because I like making out not having to wonder whether or not blood was drawn from my body. Unless I was making out with the sexiness of Vampire Lestat. And this dude was not it. But I soon had something to take my mind off that makeout woe.

Now, to be honest, I'm not normally into older guys, but I started drooling when I saw Colton Ford. His body is soooo fuckin' amazing. Why wasn't I doing porn when he was doing it? Although with my luck, I probably wouldn't have had the fortune of him as a scene partner. Well, along with his body being amazing, so was his voice, and his dancing with the sexy guys and gals of The Daisy Spurs. They put on a rousing show that I never expected to see at Bana. And just about everyone at the party came in to see the show.

It was a fun night. I did miss the fact that I didn't see my fellow cast member from "All Out Assault", Mike Dreyden, who was working the clothes-check area for those who didn't purchase the ticket that gets you a locker. Since I had paid for use of a locker, I really had no reason to run into him, but it was would have been cool to run into him by chance and say "Hi". Especially since he it was announced that he would be working the clothes-check in his birthday suit.

Well, you have to admit, even though I missed that, I made out pretty well, because Baña was hotties galore. I was tended to by hotties, made out with some hotties, and watched some hotties (both male and female) perform. So Baña boys - when's the next one?
;-)